Out Gallivanting

A long time coming.

2012-01-28T16:11:00.000-08:00

The Bun is about to be introduced to a tradition. One of my most favorite traditions, actually. Up there with Christmas. It started here, here and here. That's right, Girls' Trip! Way better than Girls' Night Out ;) Our third dearest friend joined us the second time because, while it was for a wedding, we arrived early so we could have some quality friend time. Then I got married, thus our third one but, unlike my friend's wedding, I didn't have a lot of time to hang out with friends :( Then there was my last Girls' Trip with them in 2009 before my planned pregnany w/ The Bun.
I've missed two more trips due to being a mom and/or insufficient funds. But my two girlfriend made me and another girlfriend, who has never gone with us, promise that 2012 would be our year. All four of us would go. I made the lofty promise of going and bringing The Bun w/ me. When it was time to plan, I thought about going back on this promise. I knew that I would get little sleep and it wouldn't be relaxing. Although one of my friends also had a child she's going to bring, who is less than a year old, I figured she could strap her kid on her back versus me who will have to be in the hotel room by 7:00 PM.
I underestimated my friends.
They planned to rent a condo so that the moms with kids could comfortably lounge with everyone else in the safety of our condo versus two us being holed up in a room w/ bebes while the other two went out gallivanting. In addition to attempting to have the four of us have our own room, they were working their hardest to have a champagne vacation on a Budweiser budget.
Bless their hearts, they pretty much did.
So The Bun will be attending her first Girls' Trip this year. And I, after a three year hiatus, will be joining my girlfriends. I am so excited. One of our goals (in addition to having lots of fun, relaxing and making tons of awesome memories) is to get The Bun & Baby hooked so they look forward to Girls' Trips too! Well, the less-than-one-year-old baby may not remember a lick. But we can work on The Bun.

I thought it would be easier than tying my shoe laces

2012-01-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

It's about to get real for a second.
I thought we would get pregnant the nano-second I was off birth control. I mean, when I got pregnant w/ The Bun, we were extremely lazy in our efforts. He basically looked at me and *boop!* I was pregnant.
It's been a few months now yet no double lines. If you've ever had a scare or been trying, you know what that means.
I don't know how to feel. I'm disappointed but not devestated. Just wondering, though, if things have changed down there. (Told you, R-E-A-L.) The Man isn't worried but is kind of surprised that the oven is still vacated.
I'm happy, though. Really happy with life:) I'm also a planner so this has thrown a wrench in my timeline. Hmm.

You know, I won an award for this.

2012-01-18T06:30:00.001-08:00

I don't know if I've ever shared this but I won an award in graduate school. Best Writing in my graduate program, son. Ya' heard.
OK, OK, I'm 100% certain there are errors in just about every entry I've written. But it's true, I was awarded Best Writing way back when. I knew I was a decent to good writer but not confident enough to ever enter a competition. It was only because of one of the professors reviewing my graduate project recommended I submit an excerpt from my project. So I did. And I won.
I write less and less as the years go by. I used to write for one of my past jobs - grants, print materials, proposals. But now I hardly write. All I really have is this blog.
I think most people blog because they like to write. It's an opportunity to freely share one's thoughts and express oneself to the whole wide world through the world wide web.
I've missed writing. I worry that, just like most skills, it's something I've lost over time because I haven't practiced. Do you know I knew APA style like the back of my hand? OK, not that well but pret-ty well. Now I don't remember if I put the period before or after the parenthesis.
Know what else I miss? Having a hobby. I love yoga and am able to take a class once a week but it's hard to fit it in my schedule more than that. But this year, I'm going to express my interest and see if my studio needs my help. I'm not interested in teaching but I'd like to submerge myself more in the practice. Perhaps through writing? Maybe fund raising. Either way, I'm going to figure it out.
I'm also promising myself to write more so maybe, one day, I can win another award :)

Fallen off the wagon

2012-01-18T06:30:00.000-08:00

I know I put it on my Facebook page but I haven't written about it for a while. In fact, this was the last time I wrote about it. I won't go into details because I don't want this entry to became an advertisement but, in short, the Dukan Diet works for me. IF I stick with it.
Of the 10 lbs I had left, I lost some more and only had four pounds to go. Then plateaued. Then I survived the holidays and somehow slipped back into bad habits. I gained a few pounds and now have to lose seven pounds. Yep, I backtracked.
It's so frustrating because the only thing truly standing in my way is ME. I know what I need to do and I know that it works. So WHY is it so hard for me to do it? And this is when I bash myself. I get mad at myself for being weak, lazy and undisciplined. But, as we all know, what good does that do? Nothing. What's that saying? Crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Or something to that effect.
OK. So this is where I change my thought process and not revert to my self destructive ways. I will go back to what has worked for me not that long ago. I will post something on FB because putting it out there somehow works for me, I will be better about planning what and when I eat, I will be more diligent about walking, yoga and working out with The Man. And I will loose these mother effin' last seven pounds.
I will.

Wrapped around her chubby little finger

2012-01-11T14:42:00.000-08:00

The Man has a military background. He joked, when I was pregnant, that we would be all about corporal punishment. Well, I knew he was half-joking but I also know he would not stand for a bratty child. If that meant time-out, so be it. If it meant spanking, well, I don’t think he would have ruled that out.
And then she was born.
He doesn’t call her his princess (Thank goodness. I just have weird feelings about that particular nickname.) But you bet that she rules his world. Sure, The Bun melts my heart, too. But I think it may actually cause The Man pain when he sees her cry. And heaven forbid if, while she’s crying, she wails, “Daaaaaa-deeeeeee”. More often than not, he gives in.
This may alarm folks. “She’s probably a spoiled, rotten brat,” you whisper. We are blessed, people. Our daughter is not a problem child. She is actually very, very sweet. I have it on good authority from grandparents (bias), aunts, uncles & friends (semi-bias), day care (could be bias but is not) and strangers (unbias) that The Bun is one of the sweetest toddlers they’ve ever met.
For real.
If you keep up with this blog, you know that the first year was a struggle for me. I felt like I was barely holding it together but people reassured me I was fine. Later, because I’m related to and friends with some of the best people I’ve ever met, they told me that they thought The Bun was a super easy baby and that I was lucky. But they didn’t want to tell me because they didn’t want to negate my feelings AKA worrying. Instead, they were reassuring without being condescending or dismissive. (Told you, these people are keepers.)
My point is that my daughter’s easy-going nature and sweet disposition may be part nature as well as nurture. I mean, when a baby is challenging (colicky, irritable or just the opposite of “easy”), it is unfair to blame the parents. The baby is just working things out and having a damn hard time adjusting to the world after the comforts of the womb. I feel the same could be said for easy going babies. I think we lucked out because The Bun was a very even-tempered baby. But let me give credit where credit is due.
The Village. It really does take one. And mine consists of me, The Man, both grandmothers, a grandfather, and day care provider. (Shout out to the outer circle who contributed to this village and were there if needed like other relatives and very good girlfriends of mine.) Yes, we were blessed with a sweet baby right out the gate but this village nurtured that sweetness and made her the kind and loveable child she is today. These people helped so much by creating a safe environment where she could grow and flourish. Truly.
Does she have moods? Absolutely. She is a normal two year old with a temper as well as overwhelming feelings of sadness when she doesn’t get her way. At least, that’s what I think is going on when she flings herself to the ground, sobbing. But I am having more fun with her than ever before. I want to kiss her all the time and have tons of fun with her and The Man. All right, all right, I guess she has us both wrapped around her chubby little finger. I just think it takes me a little longer to crack ;)

What's a new year without a little resolution?

2012-01-01T08:52:00.000-08:00

Some things I want to do or be in 2012.

I resolve:
- to be more loving, patient, helpful and generous to my loved ones.
Boy, this one is a doozy because it's general but it's asking a lot! I try my hardest to be all these things but, sometimes, I think I get too lazy or selfish. This means being a better wife, mother, sister, relative, and friend. I think I also want to extend it to those I don't necessarily love but deserve a better: employer, employee and even acquaintance. Such a tall order.
- to be in the moment and make time for those that I love.
Kind of similar. Time flies by so fast. LIFE just passes by in the blink of an eye. Now that I have a child, I see how the days, weeks and years just slip away. While I want to be in e moment and enjoy the now, it's a fine and difficult balance to also make sure I make the effort to be with all those that I love and appreciate. Because we aren't all here forever.
- to get to my goal weight!
Yah, yah. What would be a resolution without this? Well, I'm roughly 5 lbs away. I've lost 15 lbs (give or take 2 from "holiday happiness") and want to get to goal weight by THIS MONTH. Will power with food is not my strong point but I'm resolving, dammit!
- go to the Philippines either this year or next.
I have so much family there and haven't been for a visit since 2006. Entirely way too long ago. I've gotten married and have had a baby since then. My parents (shoot, everyone!) has gotten older and it means so much for my folks to have me & my family accompany them to the Philippines.
- stop being a weenie when it comes to The Bun.
I just blogged about this in my last entry. I worry about upsetting the delicate balance we have in our household. I don't like to go places if it means disrupting the Bun's sleep (if you lacked sleep for a year, you know why this is so important.) But I want to live life too. I don't want to make decisions because I'm scared of the unknown. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be reckless but to be "in the moment", I can't be scared. So, among other things, I want to travel with The Bun and not worry about how stressed I will be or if it's just better to stay at home than do things w/ her. Moms before me and after me have done it so why can't I? Plus I really really want to visit Sister. I miss her.

I'm sure there is more but this is quite a lot. I mean, the first one is a life long process! But I will try. Because my hippie self wants to be about love, gratitude, generosity and patience. And more yoga. Yup, I am SUCH a Californian:) HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What's the difference between graduating college & having a baby?

2011-12-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

I swear I wrote this already but, when I looked back on my entries, I couldn't find it. So either I thought I wrote about it but didn't or I'm just a lousy researcher now.
You may or may not already know this but I have a dream about my college years at least once a week. Every time I wake up, I'm a little sad because I realize that those days are long gone. Then I feel guilty. I mean, do I wish I could go back and relive those days? Are those days the best years of my life?
Luckily, the answer is yes and NO.
Yes, I sometimes wish I could relive those days. At that time of my life, everything and anything seemed possible. I'm certain it was the most liberal, thought-provoking time in my life. But it was also a sheltered time because I wasn't worried about a mortgage, bills and health insurance. Mom and Dad were footing the bills. I was allowed to concentrate on my studies, what I wanted to become, falling in love and where I would live after graduation. Essentially, planning my adult life.
I've already written about what I would do over. I loved university life for so many reasons. In addition to what I've written already, it was the first time I felt like I belonged. Specifically, when I started taking courses in my major. College also introduced me to all types of people. This was such a breath of fresh air since high school was stifling. Who knows, maybe high school was filled with diverse people but it felt like we were all just trying to survive by hiding what made us different and just trying to be as mainstream as possible. In college, being unique was celebrated and, sometimes, the more unique the better! Within reason ;) I miss a lot of things. I miss that sheltered environment - being on the brink of the "real world" without having to deal with real world situations, I miss the incredibly liberal and thought-proking environment and I miss the diversity.
While I loved this time of my life, I'm happy to write that these were not the best years. How sad would that be? I would be pretty depressed if the best time of my life peaked in college. I love so much of my life now than ever before. I am truly in love and have found my partner in life. This is the happiest I've ever been with another person. I don't miss that feeling of loneliness, unhappiness or uncertainty when it came to love earlier in my life. I'm incredibly happy with The Man, The Bun & The Pups. I love our little household, my beautiful family and friends. I've been blessed to be surrounded by incredible people.
I think I also have a much better appreciation for those I love. I try my hardest to not take them for granted and show them the patience, love and help they deserve. I think I'm much better at prioritizing (although I could always be better) and I try extremely hard to be in the moment. Also a work in progress. But I didn't have the mindset or perhaps the maturity to think about things like that in college.
So, knowing a huge reason that I loved university life is because I loved the endless possibilities of what I could become once I graduated, why am I TERRIFIED of having another baby?
Yes, yes, it is old news that I'm open to having another baby. After two-going-on-three years of being adamantly against it, I am embracing the thought of having another child. But that doesn't stop me fretting over the unknown. But what's great about having a blog is being able to reflect. And, because I'd like to think I'm also self-aware, I know that that's my thing. I am somewhat of an anxious person. I am a worrywart. I worry about how our schedules will change once The Bun has to start going to school. Or if her day care provider or grandparents can't take care of her anymore. Of course, I also worry at the thought of trying to balance my already chaotic life with another child in it. I worry about basically anything upsetting the harmonious balance we have right now. But, as we all know, anything can happen. People can get sick. One of us can get laid off. Life happens. So why can't I embrace the unknown the way I could when I was graduating college?
Thought-provoking stuff, huh? ;)
That's how I'm going to think about life moving forward. Not just about children but any change, in general. I mean, I'm sure I'm romanticizing my college years. I know I freaked the eff out back then, as well. But, in the spirit of living in the moment and living without regret, I'm going to embrace the unknown. Because, as I get older, I have become more anxious (if that's possible) about change. Change & the unknown mean having no control. And that scares the bajeezus out of me. But, that's no way to live. That's not how I want to live.
Love and gratitude. That's how I want to be and how I want to live life. And yes, I think I'm turning into a big ol' hippie.

How is it almost three days until Christmas??

2011-12-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

As soon as Thanksgiving rolled around, I pulled out the Christmas decorations. I paced myself but decorations were up by the second week of December. I created a Christmas gift list and completed 90% of it by mid-December. I also had greeting cards out around the same time. I made a TON of cookie dough the first week of December so all I would have to do is take them out of the freezer and stick in the oven.
Then I got caught up in life again. And NOW it's three days until Christmas.
I still have to:
- buy 1 more gift (for my brother)
- cook the rest of the damn cookies I had made last month
- buy more cookie containers because I had low-balled the amount I needed even though I had made a list
- clean the house (vacuum the 2nd floor, clean all the bathrooms, dust, kitchen counter tops but The Man will probably clean the tile)
- deliver the cookie gifts to recipients (Doggie Doc, Chiropractor, Yoga Studio, and my brothers roommates & caregivers)
- cook a couple dishes for our post Christmas lunch w/ out of town family
- buy ingredients for said dishes
- fold a $hit ton of clothes that have been piling up for two weeks (I'm great at keeping up with washing clothes, terrible about folding and putting away)
- pick up Christmas Day lunch (thankfully purchased)

I want to go to sleep and believe a fairy will take care of all of this for me. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I just don't know how time got away from me.
-------------------------------
12/23 update at 10:17 PM.
buy brother's gift - done!
buy cookie containers - done!
bake all cookies - done!
fold clothes - I found out that we have SEVEN loads of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. SEVEN!! I figured this out by the number of dryer sheets I found in the huge pile of clothes. Thankfully, most are done. All that is left is The Man's clothes (I put away his underwear and socks)
cookie delivery - almost all done

Still got to clean house (ughhhhh), pick up Christmas meal and buy ingredients for post Christmas day. Still a lot of stuff but feeling pretty good. Just NOT looking forward to cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming the stairs (I don't mind even flooring but stairs are a pain in the rear) and whatever else neeeds to be cleaned. But I love me some Christmas so I'm gonna get 'er done!

Because I have to be all-around mushy, not just Mommy mushy

2011-12-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

I think I’ve written a little about this before. I like certain movie genres. I won’t watch romance, tragedies, romantic tragedies, thrillers or depressing documentaries (well, PBS does suck me into those unknowingly) because I want to be entertained. And by entertain, I mean laugh and feel happy at the end. I don’t want to bawl buckets. I probably wrote this already but I outright REFUSE to watch The Notebook.
That leaves romantic comedies, comedies, and action. I’m sure there are more but those are the ones I will watch. My favorite, however, are the romantic comedies. I’m a sucker for those. But they have to be good. They have to be smart, not so predictable yet generally happy movies. I recognize that this is hard to achieve without being formulaic. But that’s why they get paid the big bucks, right? Here’s the thing. I’m also the person who generally dislikes love songs. I find them sappy and just a bunch of noise. I have exceptions like anything sang by Boyz II Men but I think that’s more nostalgia than anything else.
“You’re picky!” you say. “That doesn’t make any sense!” Well, it doesn’t have to because I know what I like and that in itself makes perfect sense to me. It’s just my preference, my taste. As I get older, however, all romantic comedies don’t cut it anymore. I think it’s the whole predictability factor. Here is a list of the ones I love off the top of my head:
• Waitress
• Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
• Stranger than Fiction
And thanks to The Man, I’m adding one more to the list:
• Crazy Stupid Love
I love this movie! It’s smart, funny and unpredictable. Best of all, it left me feeling good about life. THAT is entertainment to me. The best part? I saw a bit of my relationship in this movie. And maybe that’s why I love certain movies – I can identify with aspects of them and it makes me appreciate what I have even more. Without giving too much away, I will say, no, it wasn’t the cheating part. It was the scene in which two of the characters talk the entire night. They stayed up and instead of just getting down to business, they end up getting to know each other and laughing almost the entire time. And yes, start to fall in love. It is a romantic comedy, after all.
I had that. I still do. Minus the staying up the entire night because sleep is a valuable commodity in my household. But the laughing. Oh, we do plenty of laughing. Our life couldn’t be labeled exciting and there are plenty of mundane tasks we do. But The Man makes me laugh a lot. And I know that I make him laugh with my antics. I can honestly say our house is filled with a lot of love and laughter. I treasure that. I don’t take it for granted and, if anything, I’m paranoid we will lose it one day. Life can be difficult. There are many challenges and stressful situations and they can cause two people to forget to appreciate and love each other.
In addition to the good writing and acting, this is why I love the movie so much. It reminds me why I love The Man and why I love and treasure our life together. Those moments, those talks and laughing fits, are so important and desired enough that they were put into a movie. And I have that. Of course, having a hot hubby also helps. (This will only make sense if you’ve seen the movie.) When Emma Stone’s character says Ryan Gosling’s character looks photoshopped, I remember thinking almost the exact same thing when I saw The Man. Mmm-hmm, I have quite a few things to appreciate in my life. I’m not bragging, I’m appreciative.

Christmas Cards - tardy but DONE!

2011-12-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

I am the woman who has had her card in her recipents' hot little hands by the day after Thanksgiving. Not this year, though. Oh well, done, nevertheless!!!
Now I have to make labels, stuff, stamp and send. So really, I'm only 20% done. Dang.

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Almost Christmas Season!!!!!!

2011-11-20T07:25:00.000-08:00

Could I have anymore exclamation points?!?!?!?!?!?
I love Christmas. LOVE. Never watched the movie but I feel like this is what they meant in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Minus the Jamaican vacation and sexual exploits. Okay, so maybe nothing like it. What I mean is that my life is really fantastic right now. Perfect, no, but I need for nothing and am very happy and content.
I am so excited for Christmas! I can't wait to decorate. I will say this, though. I never took it for granted but it was pretty awesome to work from home. No wasted time commuting to and from an office and maximum use of time by being able to fit in chores here and there. It's a lot harder getting home stuff done not having that added benefit of a home office. But it's a give and take because I really like my office mates and my career opportunities are brighter now that I work in a regular office. Anyway, back to my main point.
I have to clean house before I feel I can decorate. *sigh* And, for the first time in three years, I will not have our family holiday cards mailed out the day after Thanksgiving. Dammit, that one really hurts. it's not so much lack of time as it is bad scheduling. I thought we would be able to use photos from our vacation but they didn't work out. So we scheduled a local photographer whom we really like. Unfortunately, Her next available appointment was a month out which is the week of Thanksgiving. And we won't get the photos for another week or so which really pushes back the holiday cards because those take a couple weeks to get and then for us to mail out. I estimate mid-December, hopefully. But it's OK. With a toddler and two pups, gone are the days when The Man can take the photos himself. Not only was that very economical ( can't beat free!) but it was comical, as well. He would pose us and then run to his spot, sometimes tripping and often times sweating from the many trial and errors. Of course, he would also have to chuck something at the camera so pups and baby wouldn't stare at him after he ran to his place in our photo. Ah, memories. He took the holiday card photos in '08, '09 & '10, bless his heart. Before then, we used an engagement photo and, in '08, we had included a photo from our wedding. These cards mean a lot to me, if you couldn't already tell.
Yup, I'm the gal who listens to Christmas music as soon as radio stations play it. And now, thanks to Pandora, I start in the beginning of November instead of having to wait for the week of Thanksgiving to get my Jingle Bells & White Christmas! Hope you have a great holiday season:)

So THIS is what they meant when they say, "Cute as a bug!"

2011-11-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

The Bun's first Halloween.
Well, her first time trick-or-treating. Technically, this is her 3rd. Her first Halloween, she was fresh out of the oven. Her second, she couldn't walk. So here she is, on her first trick-or-treat outing.

See what I mean?

2011-10-28T06:40:00.000-07:00

You can't braid a baby's hair:

I know this isn't the best french braid but I didn't want to scare her by pulling on her hair too much or making it too tight. This is, however, the first time that she a) stayed still long enough for me to complete it and b) had hair long enough to be french braided.
I know it's silly but, for so long, I've only been able to do a couple of things because her hair was so wispy and short. In other words, she's had baby hair forever.
Until now.
Now she is a little girl who can have braided hair. Wow. Feels like it's all of sudden even though it's been happening before my very eyes.
I can't say it enough. She is a constant reminder that life is short, time is fleeting and if I concentrate too much on the future or tasks that seem important at the time (but really aren't), I could miss so much.

Thankful I turned to the World Wide Web to write a semi private journal

2011-10-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

Nope, that wasn't meant to smack of sarcasm. It's true.
My blog is public but I use nicknames which is why I wrote, "semi-private." A little dellusional, I admit, considering I post easily recognizable photos and situations (if one knew me.) I am truly thankful, however, that I got into writing a blog because I've recorded so many important things in my life. My only real regret is not taking the time to do it lately because of the instant gratification appeal of Facebook and because life has gotten a lot busier than when I first started. In AUGUST 2005.
That's right, two thousand mutha effin' five! (I don't know why getting ghetto for a quick second seemed appropriate but it did.) I can't believe I've had this teeny tiny sliver of the internet since then. And, after reading the first entry, I realize that I've kept the same profile photo this whole time! I can't help it. Even after all these years, I like it.
Do you read your old entries? It may seem narcissistic but I enjoy reading them. For instance, I decided to read all the entries labeled "getting hitched" because getting married was one of the happiest times of my life! And a year or so ago, I remember reading all the "sticky bun" entries because I wanted to recall what it had been like for me.
I'm so glad that I've kept a journal. I love this journal1 Reading those past entries made me remember just how much I treasure this little sliver and I want to be better about writing regularly. I know, time and time again I've written this as have many of my other blogger friends. It just seems like so much more of a challenge, doesn't it? As we get older, more responsibilities accrue and, particularly with kids, our time is no longer just "our" time. One of my faults? Sometimes I'm just to stinkin' tired by the time my baby goes to sleep that I just veg out and forget everything else.
Well, I want to live life to its fullest. And while sitting in front of a computer writing isn't always the best use of my time, I will make more of an effort to write about what I love, what I want to change, what I want to do and what makes me happy. (And, on occasion, what grosses me out. Like there appears to be a quite a few entries about bodily fluids. Ick.) Because having these entries to reflect upon years later is pretty awesome. Particularly when special moments in my life occur and those small details I took the time to write about then would have been all but forgotten. But, luckily, they won't be.
Thank you, Blogger. Thank you, fellow bloggers, for inspiring me to keep at it even though it feels like we're dwindling. And thank you World Wide Web for letting me have this teeny tiny place for my thoughts.

Scared

2011-10-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

The Man and I know we want another child. We both know that having a sibling is an amazing experience and if we're able to give that to the Bun, we should. And our deadline of when we want to start trying again is fast approaching. The Man is good to go but I've got a bunch of nerves.
What I'm scare of :
Failing as a mom - I'm scared that my patience is not infinite and that I will turn into the person that snaps at her husband and/or kids. I don't ever want to be that woman. I'd like to believe I'm pretty simple in my needs and one of them is having downtime. The other is sleep. Those two factors make a drastic difference in my attitude and both are practically non existent when one is a new mom.
Strain on my marriage - Maybe we won't snap at our kids. But I've seen couples become less lovey dovey because it takes effort. Or they're just downright mean to each other. I will admit, there are times when The Man and I are short with each other or have gotten into fights that really weren't necessary. We get more sleep now because The Bun sleeps through the night but it was rough when we were lacking rest.
Money - We're not rich. Having another baby scares the bajeezus after me because our budget is just so. Any additions are going to cause us to move from comfortable to tight. At the very least.
Body - Oh boy, it took nearly two years for me to lose the baby weight. And while my body is not the same shape, I'm overjoyed I was able to do it. But I'm still 8 lbs from goal weight which is the weight I was for most of my 20s. My weightloss has been very challenging. Every pound makes a difference on my 5'1" frame. I've written this before but I believe in the whole theory of bodies having "fat memory" and the longer I hold onto this weight, the more my body believes this is my normal weight and the harder it is to get these pounds off. Having another baby will not make this easier.
Career - I used to be able to easily work late or on the weekends. I used to have no problem taking on additional work that took additional time. I could easily volunteer for things or make time to get my work done. Now it is very difficult to work after hours and, if I can swing it, it takes a bit of planning. Even with a strong support system consisting of my husband, parents and Ava's day care! How crazy will it be with another baby? Stupid crazy. How will I be able to excel in my career if I'm going to spread myself even thinner?!
Time - There already seems to not be enough of it.
These are just a few of the worries that I can recall. And for each "objections", I've either heard the rebuttle or have said it myself. Note that it does NOT help when people tell me women have been doing this since the beginning of time. But what does help me is to draw upon the examples and experiences of those around me. I see my family and friends sucessfully balance this crazy juggling that most mothers do.
Also, when it comes down to it, I try to always remember the adage, be in the moment. I don't want to waste any time fretting about what I want but don't have or what could be but isn't. It's hard because I'm a planner. And a worrier. I want to make sure I do everything to be sucessful. And, if I'm not sure, it seems like a big risk. I've discovered that when it comes to things like this, sometimes you have to just do it. And that scares the $*#% of me because I don't want anything to blow up in my face. The unknown, the things I have no control over, is so scary to me.
But I was scared to have The Bun. And the joy she has brought to our lives, the appreciation she has instilled in me ... all the stress and worry is worth it. She has made me a more giving, loving, and over all better person. Along with my husband and parents by showing me what LOVE looks like. And they all really have done that! Plus, she is growing up to be an awesome kid! (Another worry - how will I ever be blessed to have another baby as awesome as her? It's not possible! See? Worry, worry, worry.)
Yup, I'm still scared. Dare I say, scared $%^#less. It's true. I'm scared to fail, I'm scared to wreck the current wonderful life I have, I'm scared of so many things. But there is something inside of me that says that if we are able to have another child, we should do it. Believe me, I can have a conversation all by myself that goes around and around indefinitely and even though I've pretty much talked myself out of it, what it comes down to it is being scared of the unknown. And that's no way to live. I would have never fallen in love w/ The Man. I would have never chosen my career. I would have never left my home.
So we're going to just do it. Or, at least, try. (Not yet, though, so no emails please!!!!) Call me bat$%^# crazy but that's the plan. Well, don't call me bat$%^# crazy but I would understand why you would think it.

Great, when I finally have a minute to write, I forget all the ideas that come to my head while driving.

2011-10-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

Story of my life. I think of incredibly thought-provoking (or so I believe at the time) subjects and when I am finally in front of a computer and finally have a few minutes to jot them down, I can't think of a single one. Serious!
Well, we had a great time in Hawaii for The Bun's 2nd Birthday. All but the ending was fantastic. I wrote THREE PAGES, single typed to Hawaiian Airlines, regarding our return flight so why soil my little blog with anger and frustration?
I was right to assume it would not be relaxing. We also didn't explore like we normally would. But do I wish it had been anything different? Nope! Our little Bun had such a great time! She loved the beach. Loved, loved, loved it! Unfortunately, her mama and daddy didn't realize that the waves were a lot calmer just a few yards away. So while Bun loved it, she was also fighting for her life every time a wave came. Or so it seemed! She slept hard at night so I know she was working hard during the day:)
She also loved that we had adjoining rooms with her grandparents. LOVED it. What's funny is I forgot how much I, myself, loved it as a kid! She got a real kick out of being able to walk back and forth and visit with everyone. It was nice because it gave us a little relief to not have to watch her like a hawk all the time. And at night, bless my parents, they watched her while we walked around Waikiki. It was only for an hour or so at night but to have that little break each night was really nice. Just one of the many gifts my parents gave us.
I know she's wee little but I hope she remembers this because it was such a special vacation.

Why are sunsets so much prettier in Hawaii? Someone tell me the science behind this!

Our first evening and we just had to show her the water! Too bad it was already getting chilly.

I really wanted to take family portraits with the photographer from our wedding. I'm sentimental like that.

How beautiful is this? She loves her Nana & Papa.

It was hard to get good photos of her because she had little sleep compared to her normal 12 hours:(

She wanted to be done and be in the water already. Couldn't really blame her!

"What's up? Aren't we done yet?"

Had to get a few couple photos. Love him so much.

Can't believe she won't be this small forever.

So happy we were finally doing something she wanted to do! :)

The best we could do with The Pout!

See this right here? This is pure JOY.

Baby's 1st Luau :)

She was getting so much attention. I'm bias but she was pretty darn cute!

The Bun in her Super Suit (Daddy was concerned for her skin because while she is a brown baby, he didn't want to risk any burn! So she wore a hat, full length suit and water shoes:) w/ her studly Daddy.

Can't believe how fast it flew. Normally, 5 days in Hawaii just isn't enough for me. With all the money spent and the time it takes to travel, I like at least 7 days. But with The Bun and my folks with their physical limitations, 5 days was perfect. Plus, all the added costs like puppy boarding and The Man's non-paid Time Off, I totally get why people tend to stay home when they have families! Unfortunately, because our trip ended on a sour note, all of us were more than happy to be home and beyond exhaustion. Literally - we had been up for over 24 hours! But the upside is that we appreciate HOME and were happy to be back.
It was a lovely vacation in a beautiful location with The Bun absolutely surrounded by love. If I focus on that, there really isn't more that I could ask for.

Almost Two

2011-09-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Bun,

You are one week away from being a whole TWO YEARS OLD. Like everyone has said at one time, "Where does the time go?"
Today I bought you a hairbrush. It wasn't just any ol' kiddie hairbrush. It was for an adult. Because the baby combs and brushes we have for you just don't cut it anymore. In fact, you and I have been sharing a hairbrush for a month now because you just have that much hair! (You can thank me and your daddy later for that.)
You are walking, you are talking and the world is your oyster. I knew it would be fun seeing the world in your eyes. And it is. But I think it's even more fun watching you discover the world. Your sheer joy is intoxicating and addicting. I just want to see you happy over and over again. Icky sweet? Maybe. But I don't care.
I can't wait to take you to one of my favorite places in the whole wide world. I know it's going to be one of your favorites too because you like the beach! By the way, Baby, later on you will see that not all beaches are the same and that there are some that are way better than others. And I'm taking you to one of the best. At least, in my limited knowledge but I have it on good authority that it really is;)
It's funny, a co-worker asked me if I was excited to go on vacation because I'll be able to relax.
Baby, I love you but there is no relaxing vacation with you. And that's OK! I explained to my colleague that it's different now that I have a baby. Vacations aren't relaxing anymore but the trade off is getting to see everything through your eyes. And sure, relaxation is a wonderful thing (your mama loves her some sleep), I know that these days aren't forever. I know that, one day, you will be more independent. And then, one day, going on vacation with your parents isn't going to be your #1 choice. (Thinking about that makes me wonder how many times I broke your grandparents' hearts:( You remember that, Bun.) So despite the fact that vacations are no longer about R & R, I'm excited to go. I'm excited to be with you, your Daddy, Nana and Papa and being with so many people I love in one place. Sure, I fully expect your Nana and Papa to drive me nuts with their shenanigans. But without you even knowing it, you have taught me to treasure every moment in life because it all goes by so very fast.
Happy almost birthday, my big girl.

I love you,
Mama

So Shutterfly will give me $10 off my next purchase if I post this ...

2011-09-23T11:34:00.001-07:00

Very Merry Montage Christmas Card

Click here to browse our Christmas card designs.

View the entire collection of cards.

So of course I did! Got a jump start on Christmas cards (only because of another fantastic promotion Shutterfly offered ... I really should be making money off of these plugs). We will have another version since we are taking holiday photos but thought I'd play around with the photos we have so far.

At pre-pregnancy weight. Boo-yah.

2011-09-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

There are some ladies who can lose all the pregnancy weight they gained within a matter of weeks. In fact, there was one mama in my Mommy & Baby group who was in skinny jeans within the first month.I was NOT one of those ladies.I gained a total of 30 lbs. Oh, I know I was lucky. "Thirty pounds?!" some friends exclaimed. "That's nothing! I gained [enter a much larger #] pounds!" Yes, yes. I know that it could have been worse for me. But here was the problem. The first 20 lbs melted off like butter (thanks, Baby Blues!) but the last 10 were amazingly sticky. Then it became 10-15 lbs that stuck around. That might not seem much but it's roughly three dress sizes on my 5'1" frame. Over a year and a half later, I was still struggling w/ those 10-15 lbs. I don't know much about weight loss (obviously) or the complex workings of the human body. What I do know, and what I've even read somewhere to confirm my beliefs, is that your body has a memory. Just like muscle memory but FAT MEMORY. Sure at my skinniest I was 20 lbs lighter than my weight right now. But my body hasn't seen that number since I was 17 years old and very briefly when I was 25. I know it isn't realistic of me to shoot for that number because my body just hasn't really been at that number for a looooong period of time. But my body has been at what I've chosen as my goal weight for many years in my early and late 20s. It has been quite some time, as well, but I believe it's achievable. And I'm just now 10 lbs to it.What's changed? Several factors, I believe. I've always known what I needed to eat in order to lose weight but I wasn't willing to give it up. I loved bread, pasta and sweets. Mmmm, carbs. I knew I should cut back but it seemed like too big of a sacrifice. And when I cut back a little and didn't see results, I said "Eff it". After posting for a second or third time about my weight loss effort on Facebook, a friend messaged me and politely (without any pressure!) recommended a book that helped her lose 22 lbs. When she told me it didn't require her to do much cooking and she was still able to stick w/ it, the 22 lbs was enough testimonial for me! The other factor that helped quite a bit was that The Man was (and still is) training for a race. It's a pretty rigorous one and he decided to take his training uber-seriously. In addition to working out six days a week, he also cut out a lot of carbs in his diet. While we are not on the same diet plan, not having temptations in the house helped A LOT. I am weak. I love tasty food. But if it's not in the house and accessible, it's a lot easier for me to not eat it. Also, quite frankly, the peer pressure of having someone else in the house trying to lose weight and get in shape is a great motivation for me. We stock up the house w/ lots of protein and I have found a couple of items that help me w/ my sweet tooth. While I do not join him in his workouts every day, I do them about twice a week w/ him as well as my own light exercises. Side note: If you ever done the workout DVDs, "Insanity" or "P90X", you know that those are no joke. So I feel very content w/ my 2x a week with him!Yes, I stumble and cheat on my diet. I'm sure if I stuck to it 100%, I'd lose weight a little faster. But I'm really proud of myself because I HAVE stuck to it most of the time and am seeing results. I don't know my exact starting weight because I was doing my own thing prior to this diet but I've lost about 10 lbs. I realize that it is typical woman of me to fret about weight. But you know what? It IS a big deal to me and it does affect how I feel. It means a lot to me to get to my goal weight because I'm putting forth effort. And I really want to succeed. So I'm going to chip away at this and lose these last 10 lbs! Wish me luck.

What will I tell The Bun?

2011-08-11T17:37:00.001-07:00

It has been over two years but the navel ring is back on.
Oh, that navel ring.
A little history on this piece of jewelry. And, of course, a little history on me.

In the Fall of 1996, I was in the process of my very first heart break. Not even with a boyfriend! A mere prom date. But I was unexperienced, a late bloomer, if you will. I had only experienced crushes from afar and had only one boyfriend for three weeks! So no, I had never had a real boyfriend :p Anyway, there was a perfect storm brewing. It was my first year in college, I just experienced my heart being crushed and I was 17-going-on-18. Oh dear lor', I have to toot my own horn for a second and just commend my younger self for not getting into heaps of trouble. Although, if I could do it all over again or somehow mentor my young self, I would encourage her to get into a wee bit of trouble and live a little. Because you're only 18 once ;)

I will also point out that in 1996, this was a good TWO years before the Britneys and Christinas. So, YAH, I had a belly button ring when it was still cool and an emerging trend. (I will not go so far as to say I was a trend setter because I was cautious enough to make sure I knew a few people who had them and didn't die of gangrene. Or ended up with some crazy growth.) But they certainly weren't as common as they are now when just about every 16 year old seems to get one as a rite of passage.

It's been a very long time so I can't recall every detail. I do know, however, that within two weeks of my 18th birthday, I wanted a navel ring. Here's the thing. I wanted something. I really wanted a tattoo but there was no design that I was passionate enough about to have on my body forever. I had already chopped off a foot of my hair earlier that fall (because of the heart ache) but I wanted to do something drastic. So I did. Remember, it wasn't as common as it it now!

I'm sure I asked someone to go with me but I don't remember if it was my boyfriend at the time (kind of a rebound situation because, remember, I was still getting over being heart broken) or a friend. I do remember, though, that it was some place in my hometown.

Big mistake, kids. Go to reputable cities that have lots of young adult angst residing or going to school there! Like Berkeley or San Francisco. *Sigh* Anyway, I'm sure it was also because they didn't tell me how to take care of it properly but it ended up getting infected. Nothing gross but it was so tender that I got fed up and took it out myself. Not sure how long I had the belly button ring but it was long enough for me to know that jeans were my enemy and to leave a small dark scar.

Well, a little over a year later, I have another break up, this time with a real boyfriend. And a result of me not treating my rebound boyfriend very nicely. So I went through the tragic feelings all over again, this time feeling like an a-hole on top of an aching heart because I definitely had been a contributing factor to the break up. And the only good thing that comes from my breaks up is that I lose weight. While I've never had a defined stomach, it was flat again because of the most recent break up. So I decide that with my sorority lil sis, I was going to try again. This time at a place in Berkeley that had been recommended by others.

I even remember the name. Zebra. How could you forget a huge plastic Zebra suspended above the entrance?

Yes, this place probably was probably playing Alanis Morisette or Offspring or Green Day. Something deliciously 90s. It was the kind of place that did all types of piercings, tattoos, and sold tobacco (sure, tobacco) paraphernalia. The kind in which all the employees wore black, girls and boys alike wore blue or black nail polish and just about everyone was outfitted in combat boots. Can I just mention that I MISS these kind of places? I'm far from a yuppie, because I tend to think of yuppies as preppy individuals with money. But my one-baby-two-pups butt probably wouldn't be welcomed into places like this anymore. I smack too much of wholesomeness.

I remember being in a dentist-like chair and the hip young adult, probably not even five years older than my 18 year old self, told me to pick out a soda from the portable fridge in the corner. She (or was it a he? it's been such a long time) instructed me to put it over my navel to kind of numb the area. Then she told me to remove it so she can sterilize the area. I couldn't even look at the needle, I just know my friend's eyes got real big when she saw it. I closed my eyes and gripped her hand. The woman said, "On the count of three. One, two," and stab. She then said something to the effect of, "It's better if you don't know it's coming. After I put the ring in, put the soda can on top to help prevent swelling."

As I recall this experience, I'm thinking of how dumb it was to entrust my body to someone not that much older who may or may not have had a lot knowledge on piercing. But you know what? This time (unlike employee of hole-in-the-wall in my hometown that has since closed) it seemed like she really knew what she was doing. She instructed me on how to take care of it, telling me to buy Epson Salt and soak my belly button every day to ensure it healed properly and didn't get infected. Sure enough, it healed beautifully. And I went through my rite of passage.

My weight has greatly fluxuated since then. Yet through the ups and downs, I kept it in. I liked it! Even if no one else saw it. And no one else really did since I was self conscious of my stomach. Even when it was flat, it wasn't toned so I wasn't into half shirts or anything. The only time my navel ring made a public appearance was when I was at the beach.

Well, I took out my navel ring when I was in my second trimester for obvious reasons. And I hadn't seriously thought about putting it back in. Until this morning. I figured that the hole hadn't closed since I had been wearing a navel ring for 12 years.The primary reason why my navel ring saw the light of day again is because I'm a little over two pounds to my prebaby weight. And about 10 pounds away from goal weight. (I'm 15 pounds away from when I originally got the piercing but I don't think of that as my true weight since I only see that number when I'm going through a break up or highly stressed.)

I decided today was going to be the day I would put it back on. And boy did it bring a flood of memories! Obviously. I mean, I'm writing this, aren't I? Call it a near mid-life crisis. This little piece of jewelry reminds me of my younger days. It reminds me of college and the young me who was so insecure and yet trying to politely rebel;) It reminds me of how conservative I was and that it was my way of being a little bad. I had no idea I missed it. And maybe I didn't. But it sure is fun having it back.

I just don't know what I'm going to tell The Bun when she gets around to asking about it. Because I sure as hell don't want her to think she needs to get one at any tender age before 21!

Push present

2011-07-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

"A push present (also known as a "push gift" or "baby bauble") is a present a new parent gives a new mother when she gives birth to their child. In practice the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room."
- Wikipedia
Because it's the most reliable source for information. Umm, that's sarcasm.

You best believe I told The Man all about push presents when I found out I was pregnant!;) After months of telling me the idea of a push present was nonsense, he asked me what I wanted towards the end of my pregnancy. Most women want jewelry. I thought, Do I want something from Tiffany's? Do I want something with diamonds? And then I knew exactly what I wanted.
LASIK.
See, I had wanted to have the procedure in my early 20s. When I was in grad school, I went to a LASIK center and was deemed a good candidate for the procedure. I even had an appointment for the surgery. Then, to be sure, I also saw an optometrist at my university's health center. and she said, while I was a good candidate, she suspected my eyes would change and strongly recommended I wait until I was in my 30s.
After I gave birth, The Man told me to do the research and I could have my push present. It was perfect timing because I was still on maternity leave! No need to take time off and my mom could watch The Bun while I went on appointments. So I did the research and found a good LASIK center. I was interviewed by their technician, seen by an optometrist and then the ophthalmologist who would be performing the surgery. And again was told I was a good candidate. Then they realized I was still breast feeding. I was informed that breast feeding can change a woman's vision and they recommended I wait at least six months after I stop breast feeding to consider LASIK.
Drat! Foiled again.
Today is the day I finally get LASIK. This has been a looooong time coming. I have been wearing glasses since the 5th grade. I am excited. And nervous. The idea of my eyes being cut open (to an extent), makes me scared. But, I figured, if I can have a cesarean section, I can do this!

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

While there is no doubt I am a Daddy's girl, the only reason there wasn't a huge photo of my mom and The Bun for Mother's Day is because my parents were in the Philippines during that time. (As a mama, I have to say that there needs to be equal showering of love to both parents IF NOT MORE to the mama because she did do the carrying and the laboring when all is said and done. PLUS she dealt w/ the repercussions of having her body stretched to its limit. I'm just saying. And yes, maybe it's a touchy subject now. But it's true! I digress.)

Today is Father's Day. So let's here it for the boys! Let's give the boys a hand. Let's hear it for my baby ... I forget the rest of the song but you get what I'm trying to say. Below is a divine photo my husband took so he could create this very cool image:

We asked my Dad to wear something similar. We dressed The Bun in whatever she had closest to my outfit. And The Man took the photo in the same spot. Isn't it amazing how 30ish years (we aren't sure the exact date of when the first photo was taken) can just fly by? Yet here my Dad is, still winning the hearts of his little girls.

My father is awesome. My mom told me he stayed home after being honorably discharged from the Navy to raise me the first couple years of my life. He's always taken care of me, worried if I was eating enough and told me once when I hated my (not present) job a long time ago, "You will never be homeless or have nothing to eat. You don't have to work there if you don't like it. We'll make sure you're OK." He told me this sometime in my early 20s. He wanted me to make sure that I knew I was taken care of. Always. And I have never felt anything but love and care from them. My parents made sure that I knew I always had some place to go and that they would love me unconditionally. (But nagging or a good ass kicking was always an option.) I know that I am a lucky, lucky gal.

And here is a photo of both my guys:

Ah, this man. The man I nicknamed The Man (as I mentioned on FB, mostly because he is bad ass and a little bit because he pretends to oppress me) is a GOOD man and father. He believes marriage and parenthood are a partnership and he rises to the occasion. He tries his best and that's all I could ever ask or hope. Our baby is a 100% Daddy's girl. Can I blame her? He is wonderful.

And because I'm the owner, I'm putting in the mamas:

Kissing a sleepy baby girl

Her expression kills me in this one!

I had a great day. I feel blessed that I was able to spend Father's Day w/ my parents and my own little family. We didn't do anything grandiose, we just went to a nice restaurant and had a good brunch. And with a nearly 2 year old girl, that is A LOT and I am tired. But I'm also filled with love. Happy Father's Day!

Weird, and I knew it even as it was coming out of my mouth

2011-06-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

I went out to lunch with a few women from work the other day. Out of the five of us, four have children. And of the four, I was the only one with just one child.
As you know, I've made no attempts to hide my fear. I fear the physical part, the emotional part, the financial part - basically labor and everything after that. Yet here I am, tempted to have another. It's CRAZY TALK, I tell ya!
But here's the thing, the other women were saying that I should go for it. Even after the stories of how bonkers their kids drove them, the complete absence of sleep, and just the sheer exhaustion of it all, they all said I should have one more.
It's hard to explain but I came close to it when I saw the one gal without children, wide-eyed in disbelief. (She is getting married next week. We seem to be painting a crazy picture for her of what the next phase in her life will be.) I told her something along the lines of, "Having kids sounds nuts, doesn't it? I mean, most of the time I look forward to Mondays now because at least I get PAID to do that job!
Weekends aren't like how they used to be before children. They are exhausting. And sometimes hard. But here's the thing. If my husband and I still had all that free time to fart around like we did a few years ago, I think we would be longing for a baby. I would be wishing to have the life I lead now. Don't misunderstand, I love my free time. And I definitely NEED my free time - it's sometimes really hard without it. But we were ready and, quite frankly, it's not like our lives were awesome before the baby and now it sucks. It's just different and, more often than not, in a good way. We love her so much."
I don't know how clear I was for her. It may have still sounded nuts. But it's true. I wish for the free time I had before the baby. The freedom I had with my time and, for the most part, I owned my time. But was I doing anything that great or important with it? No. It was just nice to set the pace of my day or choose to spend it how I see fit. And when things are crazy at work or every so often I wish I could go with my friend to that impromptu outing, those instances are few and far between.
I guess what I'm saying is that the good often outweighs the bad. Sure, there are times when it's hard as hell. When I'm sick, the baby is sick, hubby is sick or pups are sick. When there is a hiccup in daycare or if we have to travel. [Side note: Vacations used to be relaxing but are now what I refer to ask work trips. Yah, admittedly, I do miss those kind of vacations. ] But most days, they are pretty good.
To sum it all up, I ask myself this question. (And if another mama were to answer it differently, I wouldn't judge. I would just be sad for her because, well, any regrets suck.) I ask myself, "Knowing everything I know, would I have chosen to be a childless couple? Or would I have wanted to wait a little longer before having one?" and the resounding answer is NO. Nothing in my life before her would have been more fulfilling had I waited or decided not to have a baby. Our family is better because of her. I'm better because of her. Is it hard as hell? HELL yah but I would do it all over again, for sure. Um, except skipping all the nonsense I went through and just scheduled a C-section. That I would have certainly done over.
"So," you may be asking yourself, "does this mean you're off the pill and ready to start trying?" Um, no. But after all those many entries of how hard it is to be a mama, I surprise even myself by the fact that I would like to sometime soon.

Bound to happen

2011-06-13T06:23:00.000-07:00

I think I knew it was eventually going to happen. I have been sensitive about it my ENTIRE life. Since I'm the heaviest I've ever been (excluding pregnancy,) even though this is also the most content I've ever been, it was bound to happen. It just took someone I considered very important to say it AKA hurt my feelings.
Is it reasonable? No. I know these feelings are very unreasonable. I mean, I know I need to lose weight. I'm 10 lbs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight and 20 lbs heavier than what was my average weight in my 20s. On a 5'1" frame, this is a lot. It the difference of 2-4 dress sizes.
Knowing all this, it still hurt a lot when someone said that I should try exercise DVDs. We weren't even discussing MY weight. I wasn't bitching about it at that time or anything. But we had just gone to a party in which all the women were thin. No joke. They were all a few years older, had multiple children yet about my height and far thinner than I.
Oh, don't think I didn't notice. And evidently, so did this other person. While we never brought that particular point up, I imagine that's what got our conversation ~~there~~ on me.
Do I think this person was unintentionally rude? Yes. But this person has no idea that my feelings got hurt. And I don't think I'm entirely in the right because while it was rude, it's not like I haven't said I wanted to lose weight. I do want and need to lose weight. I know this. And it's true.
It just hurts when someone else mentions it first.

Baby, I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time ...

2011-06-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

Those lyrics always confused me but it seems appropriate when describing my infrequency on Blogger. I know I'm constantly apologizing for the lag between entries and, in turn, bashing the allure and ease of FaceBook because that's what I update regularly.
My dear Blogger, you are like the beautiful wife that is wonderful but high maintenance. And FB is just that $20 hooker on the corner of Mission and King who easily fulfills my needs. (Aren't those always sketchy streets, no matter the city?) Yes, that's it. Blogger is my Elizabeth Hurley while FB is the funky lady Hugh Grant picked up to do a certain job which made us all shake our heads because, helloooo?! He had Elizabeth Hurley at home! (Not really, FB. You are more of a catch than that chick.) But you get what I'm trying to say.
Anyway.
I am much better at posting photos of The Bun on FB. But I'm trying to remember to post them here, too. Because this place, this is my special ode to my family, my quirky thoughts, and my simple yet lovely life. So here are some photos of The Bun:

Isn't she stinkin' adorable? She gives the best kisses now. Sometimes The Bun gives them away like candy, other times you either have to work for them or steal them. And just like a lady, she only gives them to those she knows very well.
That's my girl. Keep it up, especially in university. Heck, lets just make it a general rule, shall we?
She is growing so fast! She is enunciating more words and just advancing each day. She fills my heart much more than she breaks it. Those that see her on a daily basis swear she is very easy going and simply a joy to have around. Of course, I'm wary of these compliments because of course this is what people say to a mom! They wouldn't tell a mom her kid is a pain in the tuckus. But they insist that they wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
She is pretty freakin' awesome.
I keep waffling between thinking it may be time to have another to oh helllllll no, I'm not ready. All the meanwhile, enjoying my time with her, The Man and our little family.
While I would love to have the body in my 20s (and I would really appreciate it a lot more than I ever did back then), I am so happy right now. CONTENT. That would be the right word. I feel very blessed.

Oh ok, so we're not ready just quite yet

2011-05-19T06:36:00.001-07:00

I forgot about the sleepless nights.
Specifically, I forgot how sleepless nights affects ME.
The Bun was feeling bad two nights ago. She didn't have a fever but was very close to it and couldn't go to sleep. She would wake up crying. The Man and I both went into her room after we put her down to hold and comfort her. She would fall asleep but then wake back up and cry. Finally, around 11:30 PM, I felt so bad for her that I took her into our room.
One may ask, why did you wait so long? Here's the thing. The Bun has been sleeping in her own room since she was six weeks old. Also, in the past, I tried sleeping w/ her on a futon to comfort her when she didn't feel good. It was a miserable night for both of us. She's used to having her own space to freely move about and I'm used to not being kicked in the head.
So I brought her into our bed and The Man, who usually can sleep through riots and natural disasters, woke up and helped me comfort her. But there was no comfort to be had. She would fall asleep only to wake up an hour or two later. I got up at least four times that night.
It was while working the next day that I realized we just aren't ready for another one. Yet. The Man took a day off so he could take care of the baby. But also because he just wouldn't have been able to function very well at his job. We were BEAT. As I mentioned, I did go to work but I had three cups of coffee. I think it may have been four but I can't remember. Because I was that dead ass tired.
The Man would like another baby and when I think about getting the infant part "over with" by having back to back chillins, it makes sense to me. I have many friends who had kids less than two years apart and they all say while it was hard in the beginning, they're glad they did it because they got the hardest part over with and are enjoying their lives now. Their kids are more independent, they play and keep each other company, and, parents get to sleep! I've received some great advice from friends that have also said I may never feel ready and to just do it. I totally get that and value that they are speaking from personal experience. But I'm going to listen to my instincts and just hold off. So, for right now, The Bun stands alone.

Times just flies

2011-05-11T19:36:00.000-07:00

I kept meaning to write but once The Bun goes down for the night, I am practically shut down myself.
Life is good. The new job is pretty great, the commute is decent most of the time, The Man is happy in his role and we all come home in good moods. At the very least, OK :)
The days fly by and benchmarking time against a growing baby/child ... well, it just emphasizes to me the importance of staying positive and trying to be in the moment.
The Bun can clearly say "No." She can also say, "up", "down", "cracker", "thank you", "goodbye" and "see you later". I'm sure I'm missing more. The more words strung together, however, the more muddled it sounds. But we get her drift.
While I am happy as a clam, I do hope a vacation is in our future. Something with my folks would be nice. We don't have anything planned but I hope it's something that can happen later this year.

Ever changing

2011-04-24T20:20:00.001-07:00

We have had a great few days and I'm back in her good graces. *Sigh* Guess this is what motherhood is all about.
The Bun has come to me for both fun and comfort. How easily she fills my heart! Her affection is addicting. I can't get enough of it. And it's so nice that she loves going to the both of us. And my parents! She adores her Nana & Papa.
Easter was so much fun. I honestly haven't cared much about Easter since I was a little girl. This year, because she can walk pretty well, was like a first Easter for her even though it was her second. It was very cute to watch her at her first and second Easter Egg Hunts. Yes, I even went stereotypical Asian girl and bought her a Hello Kitty basket;)
It was a very good weekend. And this when I wonder if I'm ready for another one. Ooooooh, so this is how they sucker a mama into having another baby!
(In all seriousness, I'm not ready. But it's a huge deal that I'm even considering the idea since I was certain I wouldn't do it again. But it's something I've been thinking about for a few months now, even during the rough times. But that's a whole post altogether, isn't it?)

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She's back to breaking my heart again.

2011-04-19T20:49:00.001-07:00

Is it because I put it out in the universe? The Bun has gone back to favoring her Dad. In face, she snubbed me pretty bad tonight.
I cried.
Ah, the joys of motherhood.
I feel so silly and unreasonable. But my heart aches.
I don’t need to be the favorite, I just want to be one of them.

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The end of a chapter in her baby book

2011-04-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

Yup, I'm about to get even more MAMA on you and I bet you didn't think it that was possible!
Tonight marks the night The Bun officially stopped breastfeeding.
Sure, she has been eating baby food, some soft regular food and cow's milk since she was one year old. But this entire time she has has breast milk before she went to bed. It was part of her night time routine - bath, book, b-milk, and bed.
I figured that she would be weened when I visit Tel for four days in July. But nope, it happened this weekend. I suppose it was a succession of events. Thursday was my good friend's last day at work so I went to her going away party and came home after The Bun went to bed. On Friday, she slept over my folks' house so yet another night of no b-milk. On Saturday, she latched on but it didn't make her sleepy like it normally does. Same for Sunday. And then tonight, when she signed, "milk", I got ready to breastfeed her. But she shook her head and pointed to her bottle of milk.
Ah, I see.
So there it is. I had been so excited for this day. Especially when I was in so much pain from being engorged. But as time went by and her feedings lessened, the pain went away. And now here I am, getting the wish I made probably over a year ago.
No, I didn't cry. But the cliches people say are true. Like, they really do grow too fast. And time really does fly. And yes, I sometimes wonder where the time goes.
Guess I can't tell The Man anymore, "Hey! These aren't just fun bags. These are working boobs."

Randomly putting together an update

2011-04-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

The Bun looks like a toddler now. I think she has to be two years old to be officially labeled a toddler so she's got 6 months to go. But she is walking, talking gibberish and looks nothing like the newborn baby that was residing in our home a year and a half ago. When I think back to college or even high school, it doesn't seem that far away even though we're talking 10+ years ago. But now that I have this growing being to benchmark time against, my gosh, time really does fly!
For a few months, she was breaking my heart. I kind of alluded to it before but I was so embarrassed that I didn't feel comfortable talking about it to the masses. Most moms I know have babies/kids that can't shake off w/ a stick!! And The Bun was like that for a good long time. Then, it seemed suddenly, her Daddy was her favorite. I tried not to have my feelings hurt because she means no harm. But my heart just broke. How can I not be her favorite? Didn't I carry her, then birth her and then exclusively fed her for six months? Where's the loyalty?! And what was also hard was that I knew I was being irrational. But I couldn't help it. When I held her and she would twist to her daddy giving the "Pick me up!" sign, I was so hurt. I'd like to say I got over it. But I didn't. She hardly does it anymore which is probably the only reason I can write about it now. My mom says it's because The Man carried The Bun everywhere whereas I would carry her but also make her walk and hold her hand. And how can I fault her for thinking The Man is awesome? He is! But the preference of her Daddy over me made me all emotional. Thankfully, I think we're tied again. And I'm happy with that.
Want to know something funny/awful? A coworker had asked me a couple months back how The Bun was doing. I begun to explain to her my dilemma and I started to cry! I felt so silly. She patted my arm and said, "Don't worry about it. I understand. My daughter is 23 years old and she still breaks my heart." I exclaimed, "That's not at all comforting!!!" Ah, the complicated relationship between mothers and daughters.
Onto something completely different and even more embarrassing, yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We decided we were going to look at cars in the morning and then go wine tasting afterwards. The car browsing was a bust so we were at the winery by 10:30 AM. We wine tasted once they opened at 11:00 AM and then followed it by a lunch. 20 something, I am not. And, according to The Man, I have never been able to hold my liquor. I disagree but as of right now, I don't exactly have a leg to stand on. The lady gave us additional tastes on top of the flight we payed for. I'm telling you, I have drank more wine before but I suppose all those little sips fooled me into thinking the whole was smaller than it's sum parts.
I was a very un-hot mess.
I ended up vomiting in the car into The Man's favorite jacket. I blame it on the cheese platter the waiter proposed to us at the restaurant but The Man said it was because I can't hold my liquor. To be fair, I hardly drink anymore! Of course I have little tolerance. But, again, 20 something I am not. I should have known better. I should know my tolerance level. I used to but that's when I drank on a somewhat regular basis. What a very disgusting way to end our anniversary.
But before you start thinking, "Oh, poor The Man, he has to put up with this sloppy drinker" (yes, I am going to throw him under the bus because he was teasing me and talking as if this always happens to me) I would like to remind folks of my grad school party in which he drank BOTTLES of Two-Buck Chuck because he didn't feel anything. And then he was later found kissing the porcelain thrown for hours and I had to get him after we were done cleaning and locking up. On a sweet note, my parents took pity on him and said he could sleep over our home so he wouldn't have to drive home. These are the same parents who were extremely strict and have never allowed a boy into their 25 year old daughter's room up until this point! My dad, feeling bad, said, "Make sure you put a trash can next to your bed. I don't think he will make it to the bathroom."
Mean of me to bring up? Maybe just a little. But it's also a fond memory for me because I feel like that was the point my folks truly accepted The Man into our family. They didn't even tease him the next day! Hmm, maybe we're better off as a dry couple.

30 Interesting Facts (and why I've been sucking at blogging recently)

2011-03-13T14:17:00.001-07:00

1. Started a new job on March 1st w/ the same company I've been with for nearly four years. This puts me in an interesting position in being like a newbie. But not.

2. Trying to manage my time better so I'm spending it with those that I love, getting things I need to get done and preparing things for The Bun & me for the next day so I don't rush in the mornings. Leaves very little time for blogging, though.

3. I worry a lot. I've been trying to manage it, though, so I can be in the moment. How very Oprah of me, I know.

4. The birth of my daughter has made mortality so much more real to me. This coincides with #3. I worry about how much more time I will have with those that I love (like my parents, husband, family, good friends) and I want to make the most of it.

5. I forget where I read this. But a person wrote that if they knew they were dying, they wouldn't want to go to places they've never been or fulfill their bucket list. They would want to spend each minute with everyone they love. I agree.

6. I knew there would be a point in my life in which I wouldn't feel young and sexy (OK, more like cute ... I don't think I've ever described myself as sexy.) I didn't think it would happen so soon.

7. I love my baby and my husband. I would like, however, to get the body I had when I was single. I was pretty pleased with that body and I think my husband would benefit from that body too. The baby, not so much. But it wouldn't hurt her.

8. I love our pups so much. I wish they had life spans like humans.

9. I love them so much they are in our Christmas cards.

10. I wish we could afford help. Housekeeping or nanny-ing. It would be really nice.

11. I've heard many reasons why I should have another child. I agree with almost all of them. I'm just not emotionally or physically ready yet.

12. Almost everyone says not to worry about money. That a family just figures it out. But I do worry how we would be able to afford another one.

13. I just realized this is supposed to be 30 "interesting" facts. Not random thoughts. All right, well ... I have only had two real boyfriends. I married the second one, in case you couldn't figure that out.

14. I am a terrible dater. I never understood the whole second date concept if the first wasn't all that great.

15. I probably sabotaged most relationships before the other person could mess up. Part of the reason I was a terrible dater.

16. I wish I could go back to my early 20s if I could keep all the relationships I have now. The only reason would be so I could enjoy every moment instead of wanting for something I didn't currently have.

17. For so long, I wanted people to think I looked my age or older. I can't exactly pinpoint when I wanted people to guess I looked younger than my age. See? Wanting what I don't currently have. Stupid.

18. I sound like I'm unhappy, don't I? I'm actually a very happy person. And quite content with life. (This points out another reason I was a terrible dater. My husband said I was the master at mixed signals!)

19. My dream job is to be famous and in movies. Funny that I'm not an actor nor have I ever done anything to pursue that dream. And, honestly, I think it sounds a lot more glamorous than it probably really is. My other dream job would be to host a travel show. If I can drag all the people I love with me :)

20. I have more confidence now than I did 10 years ago. And I had a way better body 10 years ago! Funny how that works.

21. I care more about the earth, education and the well being of humanity. I think becoming a mama made me care more.

22. I also think that my significant other makes me be a better person. It's hard to explain in few words but, in my only other serious relationship, my ex said that I made the other want to be a better person. He said I gave him drive, made him want to be more responsible. A grown up. But w/ The Man, I think he has made me be more caring and thoughtful towards others. Not even by what he says but what he does.

23. I give The Man compliments (like the one above) but I also tease him because, let's face it, we keep each other grounded, too ;) We used to be better at giving each other compliments but we've always teased each other. I hope that we can continue to praise each other throughout our relationship because it's just another way to show love.

24. Our oldest pup, who is technically not a pup at nearly 5 years, came very close to death a few months ago. That experience reminded me of why I pushed back for years w/ The Man of why I didn't want a pet. Much less two. I still wasn't over the loss of childhood dog when we got these two. I'm way too much of a softie. But I wouldn't redo the past and not have them. Because they have brought and continue to bring so much joy to my life and to our relationship!

25. On that note, I really wish pets could be covered by human medical insurance. At Kaiser, I paid $100 for giving birth and for being in the hospital for three nights. Piko was at the vet for 7 days and we paid a Hawaiian vacation for 2. A very NICE vacation for 2. We don't have a single regret but man, that's expensive.

26. My daughter, without meaning to do so because she's just a wee baby, has already broken my heart. When I shared this w/ a co-worker, she told me her 23 year old daughter continues to break her heart. But she loves her to pieces and that's just what kids do. A regret I have? Every inconsiderate thing I've ever done to hurt my mom's feelings. My dad, too, but now I know what it's like to be a mama.

27. I feel so blessed with the company I keep. Nearly every day, I thank God for my wonderful family and friends because I feel surrounded by love. This is a very big deal to me.

28. I'm spiritual but not religious. I would actually like to be religious. But I'd like to have one in which The Man would like to also join so we can have our little family worship together.

29. I've always been very conservative about relationships and being faithful. I am pretty liberal when it comes to politics. I believe in equal rights - I don't think that makes me wildly liberal. I think it makes me FAIR.

30. It took me the span of four days to finish this. I wonder when I'll ever find time to quality blog again. I'm thinking rather than primarily writing about my thoughts, I may start documenting The Bun's milestones again. I don't want to forget things and we never started a baby book.

What happened to blogging more?!

2011-02-13T05:59:00.000-08:00

I promise I have good reasons. Primarily - work. This is my second busiest time of the year. But I think I'm actually driving more than I do in the fall the busiest time for me. I shat you not when I write that I average over 120 miles a day. Last week, I drove more than 200 miles every time I got into my car. Serious. While the workload hasn't actually been a ton, it's the driving that has been taxing. So when do I have time to take care of the administrative portion of my position like updates via email, email responses and data entry? When I get home. Thus no other computer-oriented tasks gets done. Because, by then, I'M done. Busy, busy, busy!
But I'm happy to announce that there were other reasons why I was so busy - I've been offered a new job in my company! It's funny, everything fell into the right place. Since I got back from maternity leave, I had been looking for a new position. I had been in my old one for three years and that made me a seasoned veteran. Because folks just don't stay too long for one reason or another.
I have many reasons why I wanted to move into another role. But, overall, it was just time. I applied to internal positions. I applied to external positions. I had been on over 10 interviews this past year. But for one reason or another, it just didn't work out. Let me be completely honest - a few I turned down but the rest either weren't offered the job or I didn't move on to the second round interviews. And to be brutally honest, just about all the jobs outside of my company were ones I didn't care for once I had the initial interview. Very similar to a bad first date :) Good on paper but just not a love match in person.
But this particular position. This one just fell into place. It was within my current company. Yesssss. I've mentioned this before but I want to be the type of person that has a long career in one company and, if I had my druthers, retires from that company. I know, I know, our generation isn't known for that nor are companies known for allowing that. Truly, in general, there is no longer that employee/employer loyalty that had existed in our parents' generation. But there are sometimes exceptions to this. And there's something said to the benefits that go along with seniority. Like PTO, retirement and all that jazz.
So going back to how this everything about this felt right. One of the jobs I was offered took a total of FOUR months from first interview to offer. There were good reasons as to why it took so long and, in the end, it was a good thing because it gave me plenty of time to process if this job was a good fit. And for one reason or another, it wasn't. But this new job, from start to finish, was two and a half weeks from interview to offer. For me, it was the right location, a position with desirable job expectations & salary, bosses with good reputations and opportunity for career growth. For them, it was the right time, someone with the right work experience, someone with the right history & background who had actually worked in the territory and, yes, someone with a good work reputation. At least, I'm pretty sure!
I think what was most exciting was that the hiring managers didn't feel compelled to wait for several more applicants for comparison. Although, I would have completely understood - the whole eggs in one basket kind of thing. But it was nice to know they were very confident about me. In their words, they were pleased with my responses during the interview, my work history, and felt like I would be an ideal fit for the position. Plus I had taken the initiative to inquire before the job was posted so that was a bonus in their eyes. Plus, I'm sure they want to fill it ASAP so there is very little vacancy time and there is only a small ripple in their otherwise seamless transition.
I know it won't be a perfect position. I'm sure after being in my current role for nearly four years, there will be a few hiccups and goodness knows, I will need to learn new things and learn them fast. But I think that's what makes it also exciting. I'm really looking forward to being back in an office and working with a team. I have been solo and in the field for quite some time! But I am grateful. Ask me four years ago ... shoot, ask me last year and this is not where I thought my career would be headed. But it is a welcomed unplanned event in my life and I'm looking forward to it.

View on religion

2011-01-22T21:45:00.000-08:00

Oh boy. Not at all easy to answer.
Here's the thing - I truly believe the religion I grew up with helped shape me into a good person. I lived in a middle to low income area and high school was a mix of kids. I could have gone down a dark road but I didn't. My parents were very strict so I'm sure that helped. But the fear from religion helped a lot.
That's the thing, though. There was a lot of fear. And guilt. A LOT.
I know most religions encourage their parish to recruit outsiders into their faith. And to marry within their faith. But there was a lot of talk of damnation for those who did not end up on the righteous path. And I always had a problem with that since my dad is Catholic.
I had attended regularly from 1986 to 1996. I remember wanting out as soon as I graduated from high school. I had been part of the choir and was even a choir organist but used college as an excuse to remove all responsibilities. Holding those different positions was considered an honor and I'm certain my mom was ashamed when I stepped down from those duties.
Truth be told, I don't remember much of the teachings of my former religion. I do remember being resentful when I went to church because I didn't agree with many of the sermons. And my attendance was less and less ... the only reason I went for so long is because of my mom. It was really important to her. But, just like they preached, if you were only there physically but not mentally, it didn't count. And it's true, it didn't count.
Fast forward to now. I still believe in God. And I would like to be part of a church again. I want my daughter to have God in her life and to have a belief. We're seriously considering my husband's religion and would like to find a church in our area. But have we done something about it yet? No.
I also have questions. And I would love it if someone who has a strong faith could help me with the answers.
I know there is a God. But I don't understand why there is so much brutality in this world. Why are innocent women and children being raped? Why are people being tortured? Why are innocent people being killed?
These are the kind of stories that seem to be occuring more and more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/connecticut_doctor_whose_family_eWPz3N9foeiSbXiWwlizKJ
http://www.contracostatimes.com/richmond-school-homecoming-rape/ci_16620274?nclick_check=1
I know there is good in this world. And I know that I am very blessed. But what I've yet to understand is that even though God exists, these atrocities occur. Why?
And I am serious. If you have strong faith, consider yourself religious and go to church, I would really appreciate it if you responded.

Views on drugs and alcohol

2011-01-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

If we're talking about my future conversation w/ my daughter regarding this subject - "Don't do it!"
If only it were that easy.
Alcohol is pretty fine. It takes very little to achieve a temporary euphoria, especially since I don’t drink nearly as much as I did in my 20s.
When I was in my 20s, it helped me loosen up when I was in social settings. I hadn't partied at all in teens and hardly at all during college. So when I turned 21, I was probably as rigid as a, well, you fill in the blank. It would probably be fitting.
Alcohol also helped create fun. I mean, there had to be other stimuli like friends and being out on the town (because by myself and in a dark room does not make for a good time.) Alcohol also helped ease the tension of stressful jobs.
I like alcohol. Of course, as I get older, I'm more aware and scared of drunk drivers. In my 20s, I guess there is a feeling of invincibility. I just didn't think much of harm being caused to me. I had other things to worry about. Or I was just naive. Now, I worry about things like drunk driving because I worry about harm being cause to those I love like my husband, baby, parents and family.
Drugs. Oh boy. I am going to probably be in the minority (and when I write minority, I mean all by my lonesome) when I say I don't like marijuana. Before I get stoned (the literal, not figurative) for taking away people's rights (although I don't think it's legal yet, is it?) I'm not opposed to other people smoking it. I see it along the same lines as alcohol. It's just not for me. When I tried it in my youth (early 20s), I felt like I was going to hurl and I just wanted everything to stop spinning. After the third time of feeling the exact same way, I gave up. I don't care what anyone else said, it is not relaxing, it is not fun and it was a horrible way for me to spend a perfectly good evning.
There you have it. My views on drugs and alcohol. By the way, I had a FULL glass of wine this evening and it was deeeeee-lightful!

Where I would like to be in 10 years

2011-01-10T23:52:00.001-08:00

I would like to be in a happy marriage. I would like my child (or children, if I have any more) to be healthy and happy. Actually, the same for all my loved ones - husband, parents, siblings, pups, other family and friends. I hope to have a nice home in a nice school district:) I hope to still be surrounded by lovely people who make up my circle. I hope to be fulfilled w/ myself and my relationships. I hope to have a career that I can be proud of and enables me to make a positive impact in my community. I hope to have a job that gives a voice to the underserved and/or underrepresented. I hope my employer, my organization, is also admireable. I hope to still have the desire to be content without being complacent. I hope to be present so I can always enjoy and be grateful for my blessings and not want for the unnecessary. I hope I'm a good person. A good wife, mama, daughter, sister, friend, colleague, supervisor, employee, and even stranger.
I hope to be happy.

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Maybe I'm peculiar but I actually really like assignments!

2011-01-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

Maybe that's why I like academia so much. I like having creative freedom but can appreciate a little direction. Below is a 30 day challenge my friend, Tel, posted on her website which was borrowed from another blogger. My interpretation is to answer all the questions but I'm realistic. I'm going to make it a 90 day challenge for me :) Because it's still my blog.
1st assignment: Your current relationship. Easy.

I'm married. I've been married for going-on-three years. I'm happily married. And relieved about it, I suppose. What's the divorce statistic - 50%? We dated for six years before we married so I'm hoping we got all the kinks out of the way ;)
What else can I say? It hasn't been all sunshine and roses. Overall, though, it's been and continues to be quite lovely. I feel like we have a healthy relationship. We're supportive of each other, loving, kind, and it's definitely a partnership.
I admit, I've always seen myself being married. But I wasn't one to get into a relationship just to be in one. I have very high expectations of a partner. Probably because I'm not a very trusting person so I expect the person to be exceptionally trustworthy. If not, it's not going to work - I can't work. Because many of us have been in those kind of relationships, the kind in which it's like CSI, dating- style.
"Who just texted you at this late hour?"
"Hey, who's hair tie is this in your car?"
"Who's that girl I can hear in the background? Who's with you?"
"What was just on your computer screen? Why did you click out so fast?"
I don't need that. It's not exciting, it's never worth it and, quite frankly, it's exhausting. And heart breaking. At least, for me.
But I'm going off topic. What's MY relationship like. Well, it's not like that. There's a lot of trust. And even though my husband is amazing, it took a while for me to have this level of trust because I had been burned before. I mean TOASTED. Yes, I had some baggage. As for him, I don't think he had someone as affectionate as I. If I can remember, I don't think any of his girlfriends have been his best friend either. Our relationship was something we both never had before.
There's a lot of trust. And love. We make each other laugh a lot over silly, every day things. He's my best friend.

20 Questions to wrap up 2010 (borrowed from Cyn)

2011-01-03T14:20:00.000-08:00

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Hmm, that's soo hard because I can't choose just one specific thing. The Bun turning 1 was huge because we accomplished our first year of parenting. Not only did we "survive" but our marriage continues to be strong, our love and friendship continues to be strong and, let's face it. Our household, between the Bun and the two pups, is a buttload of cuteness.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Oh boy. Being in the moment. Not letting dissatisfaction in one area of my life cloud or affect the other, not to mention more wonderful, areas of my life. Again, not sure if that qualifies as "single".

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

My parents showing me all over again just how wonderful they are. Not that they ever stopped being wonderful but I think they were so consistently great that I took them for granted and sometimes focused too much on their faults. (The shame!) But having a baby and they being so active in her life showed me them in a different light. Being a parent myself now most definitely helped put things in perspective.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

Outside influences who disappointed me thus discouraged me. I think the influences also affected who I was becoming. It's still an obstacle.

5. Pick three words to describe 2010.

Love, Family, Growth.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2010 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you)

Mama, sleep, adult

Can I just say I have no idea what the three words would be but I figured one would have something to do with me being a parent. Another would have to be about me getting more sleep because I was a different person when sleep-deprived. I wasn't myself. Maybe it was the hormones too. But with sleep I am a better ME. And the last would be about me being more of a grown-up because there really was no other choice!

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2010 (again, without asking)

Work, stress, love

Work because he worked a lot. So much so it led to the second word. Stress. He tried so hard to be a great employee as well as be a great father and husband but it was too much. And the money wasn't worth it. Love because I love him A LOT. Hopefully he knows that!

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Oh boy, I have to check my Kindle and get back to this. I really liked The Help but I think I read it in 2008. And the Girl w/ the Dragon Tattoo series.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

My husband, my parents, family and friends. I've learned to treasure them more and I hope that I do better at not taking anyone or anything for granted in 2011.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Being a workin' mama! So that started sometime in February. I count my blessings that I was able to ease into it more so than other mamas because I have a home-based office. I was able to transition from being at home to being out in the field most of the day at pretty much my pace. The first day working from home and not having The Bun with me was really odd. But we all figured it out pretty easily. I may have shed a couple of tears the first day but it all ended up pretty good.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

Oh man, again, it revolves around me becoming a mama. It is life changing to always care for someone who will always need your love and attention. I think I learned a lot in 2010 but continue to learn to adapt as she grows because she is always changing so her needs also change! And I continue to figure out how to be a better person. That means to myself, as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, colleague and even stranger. It is not an easy task.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?I didn't grow spiritually...I hope this to be a new years resolution - I think I'm with you, Cyn.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

Humph. Unfortunately that hasn't changed. I still have the pesky 10 lbs to lose from my pregnancy. Of course, I'm hoping to do something about that. I'm 20 lbs from when The Man and I first met. Yes, holy $*#t is right. I'm not so much focused on the numbers anymore, though. I care more of how I feel. I want to feel energetic and sleek. Not so much like a jigglypuff.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I hope that I show my appreciate for others better and more often. Particularly my parents!

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Although it was my worst financial year w/ my company, my boss saw that it was out of my control since I was on leave for more than 1/3 of the year. She recognized my efforts, the strategies I worked hard to put into place so that my leave would be seamless. Of course, outside influences greatly impacted my plans and, inevitably, my fiscal year. But my boss asked that I receive a small increase and her request was approved. I was really happy about that because I knew it was a tough year for the entire organization so any increase, not matter how small, was a very pleasant surprise.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Reconciling the old me with being in a new role - mama. And I don't think role is even the appropriate word but I can't think of anything better. Because it's more than a job. It's more than a title. I still am who I am but now there's this whole new element that is part of me forever. What do I call that? I'm still the same person but my life is completely different now. Anyway, trying to figure all that out and make decisions that are still best for me yet also best for my family. And sometimes what's best for me isn't best for my family so I have to think about the greater good. Because my family is my greater good.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Facebook! But I've also reconnected with some really treasured old friends. So I put the blame on the user rather than the product. Although if they get me hooked on Farmville or MafiaWars, I will swear that they are striving to be the reigning time suckers of society.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Bath and bedtime rituals with The Man and The Bun. Spending time chatting w/ my parents when I drop off and pick up The Bun from their home. Going on a minimoon to Hawaii w/ The Man before returning to work. It was all good stuff.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions you can make. I mean, I already knew that. But, and I think this goes with just about anything that has to do with being a parent, you know but you don't really know until you actually have a child. Sure, you may have observed from other people or being around family members. But you don't really know until you're in it. I don't care what you think. You don't know the half of it until you're a parent yourself. Now where was I? Oh yes, I am so glad I waited because I surely wasn't ready when I was younger. I'm also very glad we finally made the choice when we did because she is pretty amazing. And seeing my parents enjoy their time w/ her is priceless. We were incredibly blessed with good timing on this decision :)

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you.

Strive for contentment without complacency. Yup, I actually made that up and yes, that's what I've decided to be my mantra.

Family

2011-01-02T17:20:00.000-08:00

The Man has a few favorite old photos of his family. One that has always meant a lot to him is of him and his dad in his dad's work truck. I think The Man is around 2 years old in the photo. For months now, he's mentioned how he wants to recreate the photo w/ The Bun. Of course I thought it was a grand idea. My husband has fond memories of his father. He, unfortunately, only got to spend 14 years with his dad before he passed away. So he treasures those memories and these photos with his father.
Well, we decided yesterday that we were going to take the time to finally do it. And I love how the photos turned out. The Man looked through them all and found the one that best matches his old photo. It's funny. I know it's just a photo. But I'm so glad we took the time to do it because I know it makes The Man very happy. I know he wishes there were more photos of him and our baby so I think this helps make up for it.
The top photo is of The Man w/ his Dad (his dad wearing a work hat) in his dad's work truck. The bottom, The Bun w/ The Man wearing his hard hat and in his work truck.

My absolute favorite:

I can't help it. It has all our babies :)

Christmas came and went!

2010-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness, I can't believe it's over. It felt like we JUST put the tree up. Well, we kind of did.
I love the holidays. And while this year flew by I loved it just the same. The Bun was showered with love. And I don't mean with just gifts (although my hand hurts from all the thank you notes I had to write on her behalf.) It was so nice seeing everyone in the holiday spirit. Sure, there was some times when I was stressed out but, over all, it was a great Christmas season. The one thing I would change? That my parents aren't getting older. Although I was in no way shape or form ready to be a parent 10 years ago, I wish my parents were a bit younger so they could enjoy even more their time w/ The Bun. And, selfishly, so that they would be here a lot longer.
Seeing my parents w/ The Bun is really something. It warms my heart and makes me appreciate them so much more. Sure, sometimes they criticize my parenting (and you bet that I snap back) but I know it's out of love. They love her sooooooo much. Their love is almost unbelievable. It's so strong that I want her to have it around for a good long time. Of course, they are also pretty upstanding parents to me. And I'm grateful that their love has now included The Man. I'm so thankful and blessed.
There you have it. I'm sure my parents have no idea how much I appreciate them. Well, OK, that's not necessarily true. They have some idea because I try to show it and tell them as much as possible. But still, they probably don't have an idea of the extent of my gratefulness to them.
And The Man! He's so great. You know, I actually think he would make a good stay-at-home Dad. We joke about it but in all seriousness, I think he would be pretty damn good. But seeing how he's the bread winner, that's not going to happen. Poor guy, I think he missed his calling.
Anyhow, I know I'm veering off topic. I feel blessed. I am grateful to be surrounded by love and support. I pray every day and thank God for all my blessings and I try to be a good person. I know I fall short on many occasions but I think my New Year's resolution is going to be that I try harder and that I be more grateful.
Oh, and yes, of course I would like to drop 20 lbs. but I'm concentrating on my deeper resolution :)

Contentment ... unachievable?

2010-12-21T02:06:00.000-08:00

When The Man and I were dating, he said he didn't think I would ever be content. I always wanted something more. I have to say, though, that when we moved into our home and had our baby, I was pretty darn satisfied. I didn't want for anything.
Then I went back to work. I realized that I did want something more. I wanted to grow. I think of work as an extension of my education. I was in school for what seemed to be forever. And when I got a job, I knew that I saw advancement as being the same as moving onto the next grade or degree. I know it's not the same thing but that's how I view it.
And now I've been doing the same thing for almost four years. I'm ready for a change but I don't know if it's possible in the same organization. And I'd like to stay in the same organization. But I feel pigeon-holed. I thought about going back to school for certain courses that pertain to my profession. But with a baby, it's not feasible. I mean, it's certainly doable but I don't think it's fair to The Man. And there's no guarantee that it will lead to career advancement.
So I view the rest of my life. I'm very happy. I have a great marriage, a great kid and great family and friends. Seriously, all that is great. And I wonder if it's selfish or unreasonable to want a great career too. I mean, when does the wanting stop?! Am I never satisfied? That would be a sad thing. So that's why I focus on other points of my life because I'm so very grateful. If things switched around and I had a great career but wanted more in my marriage, child, family and friends, I would be seriously depressed. So ... do I need a good smack in the rear? Or is it OK that I feel this way?
I'm not depressed about my current situation. As I mentioned, I'm grateful for my wonderful family, home and personal life, in general. But I would like to have career growth and I would like my opportunities to expand. (I won't go into detail about what I've done to try and do this because discussing the j-o-b is crossing a line I'm not willing to cross! But know that I've made attempts that for one reason or another haven't come to fruition.)
I am blessed in so many ways that I feel selfish for not being content. I'm not rich by any means but I don't want to be like a lottery winner lamenting that he wished he won the megamillion jackpot. Anyway. It's late. And I'm babbling. I just wanted to share this with the one or two people that still read this :) Oh, by the way, Cyn. I tried to comment two different times on your last entry and I don't think it went through. But I swear I'm reading!

What happened?

2010-12-17T07:33:00.001-08:00

I heard today that blogs are dying and it's primarily because of social networks like Facebook and Twitter.
My blog barely has a pulse.
I used to get irritated when people said, "I don't have time to _____" (fill in the blank) because I thought, "No. You're choosing not to MAKE time for ______."
I stand by my irritation. I still think it's true. And I admit, I haven't made time for blogging. Because it's so much quicker to write a one sentence update and upload a photo than it is to sit and think about stringing together several thoughts. Plus, I have many more friends and family on FB than I do on this. Sure, it's an open blog but I don't freely give my address to everyone. If they stumble upon it, fine. But they would be hard pressed to located it.
Anyway.
It's my favorite time of the year. And for whatever reason, I haven't really made the time to enjoy it! I remember the last time I felt this way was when I was at a job I didn't like and it drained all my energy. I don't know what it is this year. I suppose it's going to a wedding the first weekend of December and then it was my birthday weekend last weekend so we went out. But still, I don't know where the time goes.
But finally, FINALLY, the tree is up. For some reason, that seals the deal for the Christmas vibe. At least, for me. We had wreaths up but it just wasn't complete without the tree.
I love this time of the year. The Bun is old enough to hopefully enjoy it too. The Man asked for a demotion at work so he's leaving and coming home at a decent hour. Best of all, he's in a good mood and a lot less stressed. I know, it sounds funny that he would ask to be demoted but I worried about his health and basically well-being. While he was a good enough man to leave any frustration at work, he still carried a lot of that stress inside of him. And he was working crazy long hours and missing out The Bun's "firsts" of things like crawling up the stairs.
Thankfully, he was able to request a demotion and still have a job. And I'm thankful to be employed too. Our lives will never be perfect but I'm so very thankful for everything we have.
OK, so I've got to jet and get the baby ready to go. So no proof reading or anything! See? That's why I have a problem w/ blogging. I know that it's going to tick me off when I look back and see errors or wish I had written a thought a different way.
But my blog still has a pulse.

We have a Christmas Card!

2010-11-15T20:45:00.001-08:00

Christmas Cookies Christmas

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I just placed our order! We took a bunch of photos and came up with ... two. But hey, that's all it takes for a Christmas card, right? One (or two) photo you really like and are willing to send out to the masses. But man, the camera doesn't lie, does it? Because it's telling me I need to go on a diet:( The photos I chose were the most flattering for all of us. We actually had some more good ones of the humans but the pups were looking left. Or everyone but The Bun was looking at the camera. It really took quite a few shots. But yes, the ones that were taken of me that were unflattering were REALLY unflattering. Blech. I suppose it's a wake up call. Rude, nevertheless!
On a happier note, I'm really excited I ordered our holidays cards! Of course, the work is only half way done. Once I receive them in the mail, I've got to address, self-address and stamp them.
But, dammit, I'm already in the Christmas spirit! So when I do receive them and it's time to do the not-so-fun-part, I'm just going to throw on some holiday music and go to town! :)

Belated birthday wishes to my Bun

2010-11-08T05:51:00.001-08:00

I know, I'm super late. But I don't feel too guilty because I wished The Bun a happy birthday on FaceBook, had a birthday dinner on her real birthday with The Man and my folks and then had a small but unintentionally expensive birthday party at the Oakland Zoo. This baby is LOVED.
Of course, there is that guilt I have because I've been meaning to post about her birthday. I did it for her furry sisters, for crying out loud. But I also did not throw parties for them so there's the trade off. We also had a really big scare with Piko, a visit from the in-laws and attempted to take holiday photos to get a leg up on the annual Christmas card. We've been busy.
I posted cute photos of her birthday festivities on FB - blogger is so neglected! Well, her birthday dinner. I've found that The Bun is hesitant to dig into cake with her hands which I find endearing. She's also easily alarmed by crowd and noise so we whispered/sang to her the birthday song. Just like all moms, my baby charms me to pieces. Her personality is showing more and more each day and she is one tough cookie with strong opinions. For a one year old. I shouldn't be surprised, I name her after my mom who is one of the toughest women I know. She is also still my very sweet baby and I appreciate the balance.
I so badly wanted to post the video The Man put together commemorating The Bun's first year. But he's been working overtime (much like when Ava was a fresh out of the hospital, ironically!) and hasn't had the time to finish it. Totally understandable, of course. So I'm going to post the commercial that The Man says captures how he feels about The Bun. And after he showed it to me, I could see what he meant. I'm impressed how a commercial can capture how it feels to be a parent because this will certainly be us.

Babies in fur coats

2010-10-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

I intended my next entry to be about The Bun's first birthday. The Man is working on her video and I wanted to post photos from her actual birthday and her little get together.
Then, yesterday, an ordinary day turned into an extraordinary one when I came home to find vomit on the floor. I then turned the corner into the kitchen and found Piko lying next to her urine. She was less than a foot away from where she was supposed to go.
I knew something was terribly wrong.
I took her to our veterinary as an emergency visit. After waiting 1 1/2 hours, we were seen. And I was told she has Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia. Without going into a huge explanation, what I thought would be an expensive visit and pills to be taken at home ended up getting Piko immediately admitted, blood drawn and her red blood cell count monitored.
We hoped that we would be able to take her today. But her red blood cell count went down over 50%. So she's getting a transfusion with the hope that it will slow down her body's attack on itself and allow the meds to work.
This situation has brought both of us to tears. She is so sick. We want our furry baby healthy again so we can take her home where she belongs.

Getting wayyy ahead of myself

2010-09-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

The Bun is not a year old yet but I'm already thinking of her education. And worried that it will be expensive. See, we live in a school district that I do not want The Bun to attend. I grew up in this school district. I have heard it's not any better than when I was a child and I believe it. I've already told The Man that we will either have to move when she is four years old or think about private school. See, I interact with educators on a daily basis. You better believe I was scoping out schools when The Bun was in the oven. That's right, she hadn't even been born yet.
I've already decided the city I wanted to move to if we had the option to go that route. But I actually like where I live. I like the location of our home, the neighborhood and the convenience of having many places and people near by. Plus, and this is a big plus, we can afford our home. I think that even with the equity we will have built from this home, we will only be able to afford a fixer upper in the city with a nice school district.
But then I discovered a somewhat near Charter school. I know, I know, charter schools have been in the news lately and are being hailed as the answer to bad public schools. But I jumped on that bandwagon a long time ago. And, be still my beating heart, this one goes all the way to high school.
So I called today. That's right. My baby girl isn't even a year old and I called. I found out some information and know that I need to start planning in a couple of years. But I can't help it, I really hope that we can get her into this school! To be able to have a great education for free from Kindergarten to 12th grade would be amazing. I'm more than willing to be an active participant and meet the demands they have on parents. Because she's worth it. And because if all the parents are meeting these expectations, we should be be able to create a desireable learning environment for our kids. A place that doesn't depend solely on the teachers to make an impact but everyone truly believes it takes a village to raise a child. Accountability, dammit.
Yes, I fall under whatever crazy parent category you may want to file me under. But that's what happens.

Guess she can't be called The Bun for much longer

2010-09-27T07:26:00.001-07:00

She's been out of the oven for nearly a year! Where did the time go? It was a tough labor. An even tougher post partum. And then the sleep deprivation. Wow.
But then there was also the first giggle. Her sweet demeanor right out the gate. Her personality coming through as she develops, getting bigger and stronger. The way she needs to be w/ me when she sees me in the room.
Admittedly, I sometimes miss the freedom to do anything. Or nothing:) My time feels borrowed because I have to shape my day around her. But the only time I really miss that freedom is when I'm sick. Because I'm a weenie when I'm sick:p But it's what you give up when you have a baby-selfishness:) I know, it sounds negative but it's not. I have friends who have held off because of that very reason. And I respect that.
My point? I'm blessed because The Bun is awesome. She has been rewarding me w/ little gifts. And big gifts, like sleep! These 11+ months have given me a greater appreciation for my husband, our families, and quite honestly, the good parents I've encountered. I also love to pieces my sweet, sweet baby girl. She amazes me and I think she is made up of all the best traits of me & The Man.

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Our littlest baby for three years ...

2010-09-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

... before the hairless one came in and took over our world:)
Oh Pili. What an adventure with this girl. When we first took her home, I was scared we had made a mistake. She was so different from our first mild-mannered pup. And she kind of smelled like rotten eggs. I'll never forget that. And the first night she was home, she was kenneled just like Piko. UNlike Piko, she wasn't going to stand for it. She sounded like a screeching monkey and made such a racket! And, more than once, we had to extract her from her kennel and clean both Pili and her kennel because there was poop everywhere.
I'll be honest, I wanted to return her. We had family friends who went through the same pup place as us who didn't have a love match with pups they took home and returned them, eating the deposit fee. After the 3rd, 4th or 5th night of interrupted sleep (they all blended together), that sounded like a mighty fine idea. I was ready to throw in the towel. Pili was so much work - she kept all of us up, she was stinky and Piko seemed indifferent if we kept her or not. But The Man was insistent that we weather it out and see what happens.
Thank goodness we did.
Pili is so loving and sweet. She will lick your face until the cows come home ... whatever that means. Seriously, though, I wanted to see if she would get tired so I decided to see if I could just sit it out and see if she got tired. After over a minute had passed, I realized that she was going to win because I couldn't take it anymore. Too much love!
Pili is also pretty smart. If she had more disciplined parents, she would probably be able to do really cool tricks. She was attentive during obedient school and can somewhat be trusted off leash. But, just like every other parent, I don't trust the people (dogs) AROUND her. So she stays on leash most of the time.
They both have been so great around The Bun. And goodness knows she rocked their world just as much as she rocked mine ;) But it looks like Pili is determined to make The Bun her best friend. While Piko checks in, sniffs and stays a little bit before walking away, Pili no longer holds back now that The Bun is cruisin'. She licks her face (we monitor that because she can really give too much love sometimes) and tries to play with her! Pili will crouch down and bark because she wants to be chased. The Bun thinks this is hilarious and laughs. Most recently, she has started chasing Pili! Be careful what you wish for ;)
Happy 4th Birthday to our furry baby! I am so blessed to have a wonderful little family. Don't get me wrong, there is an unbelievable amount of poop generated by the three of them, sometimes cleaning gets overwhelming and I give up ... but they bring so much joy to The Man and me.

Happy belated 4th Birthday...I've been a bad puppy mama

2010-08-08T06:48:00.001-07:00

My furry firstborn! Last week was her birthday and while I acknowledged her on a social network, I think she deserves a blog entry. Because she's my baby! :)

Little did we both know:
- she would get a little sister a month after Piko joined our family who we would nickname "monster" ... who Piko would grow to love in a torturer/victim sort of way.
- she would get her period even though I had asked the vet if we could do the surgery just less than a month before ("Oh no, she still has a ways to go before she gets her first period. She's still young and we don't want to be premature." Effer.)
- My dad would whisper to me, "She's become a little lady!"when he's the one that discovered Piko got her period. It's still one of my favorite quotes from my Dad.
- I would later have the audacity to bring home a hairless puppy that needed way more attention than the monster.

Piko is a great pup and is sort of the balance to her littler sister. She is affectionate but then has a little aloofness to her that reminds me of a cat. It's a gamble if she will come when you call her but when she decides it's time to give you some love, it's very very sweet.

I love my Piko and I can't believe she's only been with us for this long because it feels like she's been part of the family forever.

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Hey Baby

2010-07-30T06:19:00.001-07:00

You're almost 10 months old. You are growing SO FAST now! And I'm not the greatest writer right now but I don't want to forget ...
1. You are crawling everywhere! Your little chub chub fingers LOVE electrical outlets (yah, your parents have quickly baby-proofed the plugs) and gone are the days where we could lie you in the middle of the bed, go to the bathroom and you would be lying in the same position:) Well, those days have been gone for a while. But we could get away with folding clothes on the bed while you lied or rolled around on the bed.
2. Nana & Papa taught you "Beautiful Eyes." This charms me to no end. See, I was taught this (batting eyes and blowing a kiss) when I was a baby and I would have never guessed that seeing you do this same silly thing would make my heart melt ten times over. Your dad keeps meaning to videotape you because you don't quite know how to bat your eyes. Or blow kisses. So it kind of looks like you have long blinks or a twitch and then you pucker your lips like you ate something sour. Oh. My. Goodness. So cute! And I know it's not just because I did it when I was little ... The Man thinks it's the cutest thing ever.
3. You can be a little dramatic. You fake cry but just when I think I know you're faking, you get riled up and then there are real tears. "Oh honey!" exclaims your mama! Talk about feeling like a bad mommy. I don't know if that's part of your game, baby girl, but you get picked up and cuddled within seconds ;) Well played, Bun.
4. You are a fantastic sleeper! I love you no matter what but, man, I really LIKE you for having great sleeping habits :) Of course, we stick to your bedroom routine as if we were getting paid to do it. But the PAY OFF (you sleeping through the night) is well worth it so we happily stick to your evening schedule.
5. The Great Teeth Fake Out. When you were around three months old, you had a white speck on your bottom gums. You were also drooling a lot in addition to your regular spitting up. Your dad and I thought a tooth was coming in. Your Nana swore a tooth was coming in. Even your day care provider seriously thought a tooth was coming in. Here we are, you at nearly 10 months of age, and no tooth. I don't mind because 1. I'm still breastfeeding and 2. you still have that sweet infant breath. But I know you're wishing you could join us at the dinner table.
Baby girl, in case you haven't figured it out yet, you have changed my life. I still have a hard time believing I'm a mom (maybe you will understand better when you're grown up.) It's not a bad thing but if you've read my previous entries, I'm not a woman who always knew she was going to be a mom. So knowing that I am yours and you are mine still blows my mind.
And I dread the time when you push me away because I am giving you too many kisses. But that's what you make me do. I see you and want to shower you with kisses and hugs. Especially when you first wake up. (You being a super chubby baby probably also makes you extraordinarily cuddly:)
Just like your dad, I think you bring out the best in me. I want to be a better person every day so that I'm good to you and you also have a good example while growing up. I LOVE YOU so much and you're STINKIN' ADORABLE.

Ode to the Bun

2010-07-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

Sticky Bun, you are now nine months old. Just the other day, I had to lower your pack and play because you can pull yourself up to your knees and, sometimes, to your feet.
You are no longer bald in the back. I don't think you ever cared but it makes me happy.
You sleep so good now. I never take it for granted but, boy, do I feel it when you're having an off night!
You eat, eat, eat. And I LOVE those big ol' chubby cheeks you've got. It's became sort of your trademark.
You and I are very lucky I have a coworker/friend who had a daughter nearly a year older than you. She has been outfitting you for months, saving me money.
Although we are saving money there, I still have day care and other expenses so I've had to be an even better bargain shopper for my clothes. I've reintroduced myself to Old Navy. Now where to go for work clothes ...
Daddy wants another already. I just want to enjoy YOU for right now. Plus my c-section is still sore. True that.
Your nana and papa rock. We are very lucky to have them so close by and the fact they are willing to watch you part time during the week. Saves us a lot of money and, of course, we know that you are loved and cared for every minute you are there. (I'll worry about the spoiling factor later.)
You are wonderful. We love you so much. Sometimes it can be challenging but your Daddy is very supportive and very much an active parent. I love him lots. We're a good family.
And when you're in therapy as an adult for whatever reason, and you show your therapist this blog because it's caused you anxiety or embarrassment, don't forget that I wrote we love you and YOU'RE WELCOME for giving you a good family :)

Sinking in

2010-07-01T06:36:00.001-07:00

1/3 of my colleagues are gone. One of my absolutely favorite team members was also let go.
We all know we shouldn't blog about work because it could be TROUBLE.
But this isn't an entry full of resentment, hostility or hate.
I'm just sad. Because many have been around for a long time and I've admired their work. I know times are tough and companies need to make tough decisions.
But man.

Made the choice to NOT go with the life-changing decision

2010-06-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is when I'm not sure where this clearly goes. Is it not suitable for a public blog? Or is it OK? Whenever discussing The J-O-B, even if it's positive or just not necessarily negative, it's a questionable gray area.
I'm still unclear of what I can write without possibly putting myself in the trouble zone. So I will just leave at that. I chose not to make a life-changing decision. And while I feel over all good about this decision and know it was the right one, I kind of mourn the old me, the one would have made the other choice. Because until this situation, I didn't realize that there was new me and an old me. I thought I was same ol' me. But I'm not.

7 going on 8 months

2010-06-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

My baby amazes me and The Man every day. Truly, just about every darn day. Ahhh, don't we smack of new parents? ;) When she does something that absolutely knocks my socks off, I think a couple of things:
1. The Bun is freakin' AWESOME!
2. This is ridiculous. I've seen many babies do exactly the same thing and not care a bit.

For instance, she can now hold her bottle and feed herself. You would have thought she figured out world peace, I was so excited. See, she's primarily breastfed and only every so often has a bottle. Sure, she's taken a bottle for a while now but she hasn't been able to hold it. And because I breastfeed her, there's hardly a time for me to teach her to hold a bottle. But just this week, my mom surprised me and said, "Look! She's figured out how to hold a bottle!" Shortly thereafter, she also figured out how to put it in her mouth. (I should ask The Man to videotape her. Because it is hilarious seeing the trial and error of that. She's bipped her nose, eye and just about every part of her face. No worries, she never gets hurt.)

Here are some other cool things she's doing that I know other babies have done, some even sooner but I don't give two hoots. I still think she's a kick ass baby:
* She sits up
* She scoots backwards
* She has consistently slept through the night (by my standards, not "7 hours = full night = 2:30 AM" standards) ... not all the time but most of the time now
* The one above is such a big deal that I'm going to highlight that one again
* She is so generous w/ her smiles
* She is very strong (girlfriend has a baby Kung Fu grip that can bring the pain)

I'm sure there's more but that's just off the top of my head.

I'm not delusional. I know she's your middle-of-the-road baby to everyone else. And there are times when having a baby is extremely challenging. To be perfectly honest, it can be very hard at times. But to me, she is just so so special. She makes everything worth it and she certainly makes sure the good outweigh the bad. I love The Bun.
-----------------------------
6/10/10 Update: I guess I am superstitious ... I knew there was a reason why I stopped mentioning The Bun's sleeping pattern on FaceBook! I feared the minute I wrote she slept 10-12 hours, she would stop. And last night, after writing this entry, she woke up three times. Son of a biscuit.

Just wrote a whole post that took an hour

2010-06-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

And the GD blogger erased it.
Well son of a biscuit. (I'm highly irritated. No, I'm PISSED, so I'm going to walk away now.)

Baby spit up

2010-05-14T07:04:00.001-07:00

*We are ALL sick in The Household. I thought I was immune because I didn't catch anything for a full week. But The Man & Bun proved to be too strong. Or, at least, their virus. Ick. But here's a little gem I didn't want to forget for The Bun to read later.*

Since The Bun was born, she had a serious spit up problem. We talked to her pediatrician and he said that it's normal for some babies. Because she was so small and because she spit up so much, we had to track her poop to make sure she was eating and keeping enough in. Because we couldn't measure her food intake due to being breastfed.

Well, we were told by her pediatrician that the spitting up would taper off around four months. It took SIX. Doesn't sound like a big deal? I mean, smack a bib on her and call it a day, right? She would spit up so much it was like she was throwing up. The only reason we knew that we shouldn't be alarmed was because it wasn't projectile spit up (which would make it throw up.) Since her pediatrician wasn't concerned, we weren't concerned. Well, "we" being her parents. Her grandparents, however, were always concerned. We were asked over and over again if this was normal because they had never seen a baby spit up so much. A good thing to say to new parents, by the way. But once The Bun plumped up, they stopped worrying. Because, for them, that was the best measurement of her food intake.

As my dad eloquently put it, "Your daughter's like a drunk. She babbles and then vomits. And then she keeps babbling like nothing happened." Thanks, Dad!

I think our doctor may be The Man

2010-05-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

at the very least, a professional bad ass.

Let me back track. The Man, my hubby, had Anthem Blue Cross health insurance for the longest time. When I became pregnant, we discussed and deliberated for a while about him moving to Kaiser Permanente. He let me make the decision. When he had open enrollment in December, we moved him to KP and added The Bun and me to his insurance. I wanted to do this for several reasons:

1. If the economy took a turn for the worse and I somehow lost my job, Ava & I would be covered and would be able to keep our doctors.
2. Which may actually be 1a. I LOVE my ObGyn. I loved her before I was pregnant and she became even more endearing when I was with child :) I find her to be capable, professional, sympathetic, attentive and accessible. I also really like my primary physician. I don't see her nearly as much as my ObGyn but she's direct, courteous and has been spot on so far. I'm also comfortable with KP's Optometry, Dermatology, Psychology, Prenatal departments & programs.
3. The Bun has a kick ass Pediatrician. He's even been recognized locally as an outstanding doctor. Enough said.
4. We live so close to both the hospital and the medical offices. Sooooo important and such an advantage, I've realized.
5. The Man's current (well, at the time we were figuring out if we should change his health care coverage) primary physician was awful. How awful? Unprofessional, lazy and ethically questionable. Throughout the years, when I was able coerce my husband into seeing a doctor for various ailments, his experiences would make me cringe. Oh sure, the doctor was nice enough. But he asked inappropriate questions, would make inappropriate comments and, in a nutshell, was what I called a Major Douche.

All right, I have a point. Other than the fact I'm a big fan of Kaiser Permanente. I know, some people don't like it or have had terrible experiences. And I've proclaimed it on Facebook and I'll proclaim it here. I think KP tends to get a bad rep because they are so huge and have so many patients that bad experiences are bound to happen to do the sheer volume of people who have health care under KP. I have been very fortunate. I have either had excellent luck of the draw and ended up with a fantastic doctor or I've received a referral and ended up with a fantastic doctor. I also think the programs and services they offer their patients, particularly pregnant patients, are superb.

But anyway.

As I mentioned in previous entry, on one day I took The Bun to her doctor's appointment and then accompanied The Man on his first doctor's appointment with Kaiser. His previous experience was with smaller, much more intimate doctor's offices so I could see how he would want company on his first KP visit. And I was really happy that when he moved from Blue Cross to KP and needed to choose a doctor, MY primary physician was available. (As you KP peeps may know, that doesn't always happen.) I was so excited because if I left it up to him, he would take months to choose a doctor. Probably until he was on death's door and he would pick anyone who would see him. He was relieved that he got a doctor that was referred by a reliable source. Me!

He said that his check up was much more thorough than the once from Major Douche. I kind of figured that would happen. And when our doctor saw the results from his blood pressure check, she said something to the effect of, "Your blood pressure is high. How long has it been since your blood pressure has been checked?" He said 2004 when Major Douche told him it was high but The Man did not want to be put on meds so he lowered it through diet and exercise. But did Major Douche stay on top of it and keep monitoring it? NO.

Let me go off for a minute because I LOVE my husband so much it hurts. I figured his high blood pressure would return. I work for an organization that is the leading funder in the nation (outside of the government) of heart disease and stroke research and prevention. I KNOW that his health may be in danger. But I don't have Dr preceding my name. And I'm his wife. So after one fight about me nagging him, I've steered clear. I kind of doubted myself, anyway, because of the fact that I wasn't a doctor. I felt like I was hypocrite, too, since I didn't eat the healthiest. He always points out my love for chocolate. Yes, I am a chocaholic.

Well, let me tell you, our primary physician is a bad ass. And may have to take the title of The Man. Because she laid it all out. She went on to say something along the lines of, "We need to lower your blood pressure right away. I'm concerned because this has gone untreated for years. You may feel fine but that's because you won't feel anything. You won't feel the damage it's doing to your heart. Until you have a heart attack or stroke. But any damage that has been done is permanent and irreversible. So we must do something about this right away. You need to start a low salt diet and you will have to do more exercise. I am going to schedule an appointment with you in six weeks. If your blood pressure hasn't gone down, we will need to put you on blood pressure medication."

Word, doctor. WORD.

My husband is great. He actually cares about his health, I KNOW he does. But I see how having a crappy and negligent doctor can give a person a false sense of good health. After all, if Major Douche wasn't concerned (even though we both knew he was a Major Douche), why should The Man be? I get it. But I'm glad our doctor said what she said. Because I knew he HEARD her. And he knows how much our family needs him to be around for a good looooong time. So he's going to take off work a little early and go to his follow up appointment. And he's already reading up on how he can lower his blood pressure through diet.

Say what you will about KP. And hell, I'm sure I'm going to end up eventually with a bad experience because that's what the odds are, right? But I am so glad we made the decision to all be under Kaiser Permanente. I received what I think was some of the best treatment during my pregnancy, throughout my labor and delivery and post partum. My daughter, the light of my life, has a doctor that I am 100% confident has her best interest in mind. And now I feel like my husband is getting the health care he needs and deserves.

PS: I also believe in Chiropractic care and other holistic treatments. I think Chiropractic is a primary reason I had a healthy and relatively easy (health-wise) pregnancy. But that's a whole other entry!

Oh hell, what was I going to blog about?

2010-05-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

Oh hell, even though I had one night of good sleep last night, the four bad nights prior have really messed with my head.
Serious.
I kept thinking, got to make time to write an entry. I don't want to forget [such and such]. But I don't remember the such and such!
It's been a rough few days in The household. The Man has been sick. The Man got The Bun sick. The Man and I got into a spat. We got over it but I felt like I couldn't ask The Man to help with The Bun because he was sick. It got so bad that I slept with The Bun (haven't done that since she was a newborn) but it didn't help, poor thing.
There has been challenges at work but, in the end, I am very happy to be employed and don't want to screw that up.
I was having awful sleep not just because The Bun was waking up but because, due to his sickness, The Man was snoring the loudest he has ever snored. EVER. No, not exaggerating. It is so loud that it would wake me up like an alarm clock. Between the two of them, I was getting very little sleep. Maybe 1/2 hour at a time.
I was drinking three cups of coffee a day. Finally, I asked The Man if he could take night time duty last night because I was afraid I was going to crash my car during the day. Yesterday I was Super Mama. I had taken The Bun to her doctor's appointment. Later, I took The Man to HIS doctor's appointment (at his request.) Although he was still coughing, I had gone with him to his doctor's appointment and found out he sounded worse than he was. Well, SHOOT. Hellz yah I was going to ask him to man up (hehe, man up) and let me sleep. To be fair to him, I hadn't asked until this moment. I knew he was sick yet working so I figured I should take one for the team. His cough sounded awful. It still does. But the doc assured us that it wasn't pneumonia or anything serious. It was a cold but really bad allergies too. Sweet.
Upon hearing the doc's diagnosis, I asked him to sleep in the spare room (which is what I did the night before) so I wouldn't hear him snore. He doesn't typically take night duty because I'll wake up anyway. I swear I have sonic hearing when it comes to The Bun's crying. I think moms are programmed that way. I have to put the monitor at the lowest volume but still wake up really easily. He has to put it at its loudest or else he won't hear her. When we are both in the same room, I end up waking up first. But since he was sleeping in the spare, he could do this without waking me. Win win!!!! Well, for me.
He had to wake up 3x but only had to feed her once. We found out from daycare that she takes formula pretty easily but she's still 95% breast milk. Since formula is super easy to prepare, he went ahead and used it. And let me tell you, say what you will about formula but dammit it's freed this mama!!! Because thawing and warming up b-milk is a pain, it's the primary reason I always took the night shift. Prepping b-milk is no fun and since mine are on tap, it's just so much easier for me to feed her during the night. But now we know we BOTH can feed her easily. [insert happy dance] Hallelujah!
I know, I'm babbling. And I also remember what I was going to blog about. The Man's doc visit! But that will be the next entry.

Mad, mad, mad

2010-05-03T06:58:00.001-07:00

A blog is no place to write about frustrations one has, personally or professionally unless one doesn't care about the repercussions.
I do.
But man I wish I could go OFF sometimes.

I have been hit with the suburban wife stick

2010-04-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

My husband gave me this for our two year anniversary:

I was really pleasantly surprised! I had been wanting one since our last one died. But it was a want not a need so it wasn't on our priority list.
So far we've only cooked the dogs' dinner with it and made one meal. Which was disappointing. But I know it's got such potential so I'm still looking forward to putting it to good use!
And look what I stumbled across: http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/ (found it while tooling around Facebook. Oh how I love FB, you little sinful thing, you.) **CORRECTION: MY BUD, A LITTLE HAWAII IN INDIA SENT THIS TO ME BUT I PLUM FORGOT! THANKS FOR SENDING THIS TO ME, JEN!**
Have mercy upon this workin' mama and send me your yummy slow cooker recipes!

All that's missing are the pups ...

2010-04-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

When the daily grind gets on my nerves, I try my hardest to remember what really matters and how truly blessed I really am.
When people say or write, "I love my life" I tend to think they are cocky. So what I will say/write is that I feel very fortunate and these two people (and pups) fill my heart.
Oh, don't you worry. I'm still sarcastic and have plenty to gripe about it ;) But, in my 30s, I'm so glad that something kicked me in the rear and gave me some real perspective. My household, family and friends are so dear to me. Love, love, love them. I meant it 100% when I wrote in my little FB profile, "I surround myself with wonderful, amazing, intelligent, giving and loving people. I believe I am the company I keep and they make me strive to be a better person. I think my family and friends are exceptional."

In cyber-mourning

2010-04-23T15:11:00.001-07:00

As I was visiting the links I put on the side of my blog way back when, I realized that there are a lot of dead blogs out there. I'm related to a few of them.
I miss you guys. And I'm thankful for the less-than-handful left that I have to read. Sure, I read some written by strangers. But I used to have just as many written by people I know. Some were friends that moved away. I even had a few that I had grown closer to because I got to know them better through their blogs.
But just like all other sources of social networking and media, it appears to be evolving and changing faster than I can keep up.
We are a dying breed, my friends. I say, bring the blog fad back!

Happy Friday, love bugs.

Sometimes I hate being a new parent ...

2010-04-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

... because I get so paranoid about change. And if there's anything a baby does is CHANGE.
Since our little one was four weeks old, she's been sleeping in a Snuggle Nest.

This is how it works:

The Bun slept in this when she was in our room. I think it helped make her transition to a crib and her own room as easy as it was.
But things are a-changin'.
She slept horribly last night because she has rolling over down to an art. In fact, she threw half her body over the side of the Snuggle Nest one of those times. Of course, this made sleeping uncomfortable and she cried.
Tonight we say goodbye to the Snuggle Nest. My baby is now freely rolling all over the crib. I'm sure it sounds like there's nothing to worry about it. It's a crib, for crying out loud. It's MADE for babies. But I am thinking of all sorts of crazy predicaments The Bun can get into not having her baby bed. Her training bed! You don't know what kind of trouble my Little Houdini can get into. Only this mama knows which is why I'm paranoid.
And here is yet another great example why I hate being a new parent. "Get it together, woman!"

Most fun. To Date.

2010-04-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

OK, I think this is it. I think six months is my favorite age. So far :)
I have a pretty fantastic baby. Yah, yah, all moms say that, right?
Well I'm a pretty honest person. I'm nice, too, so I don't share my thoughts if I think they're too mean or inappropriate. But I'm pretty honest.
Some parts of these past six months have been really hard. And some not so fun. (Like the sleep deprivation.) But I know I've blessed with an easy going baby. I have to say, though, that right now is probably when I'm having the most fun with her.
She gives big smiles. Well, she has for a while but it also goes along with her being more active. Her hand-eye coordination is so much fun to watch now. For instance, she's had these toys dangling on the handle of her carseat (which doubles as her stroller) forever. Well, just about her entire life, shy of two weeks. She's FINALLY batting at them. I told The Man, I bet she thought, "Finally! These GD things have been teasing me this entire time. Now I can finally show them who's boss!"
Oh yes, side note. To amuse ourselves, both The Man and I give her voices and obviously, thoughts. If what we say she's thinking is true, she is one of the most sarcastic babies in the world. We've both said that if she is anything like us, she is going to be one smart ass child. Hopefully, it's possible to be both a smart ass and respectful :)
The Bun moves around a lot. She figured out how to flip on to her stomach. Freaks out The Man because it's practically beat into your head that babies should be put on their backs to sleep. I'm not so freaked out because I'm a tummy sleeper and have been since birth. Anyway, when we stopped swaddling her, she figured out how to flip from her back to her tummy (she's known how to flip from her tummy to her back for a while - have I bored you yet?) Now that she's figured this out, she sleeps for longer periods of time. In other words, she sleeps really well. Like 10 hours well.
It's hard to give examples of why she's so cool to watch now. But she is. I've loved her ever since I knew she existed. But it's exciting to see her grow and become more aware and engaged. And it's even more fun getting to see her personality evolve.
Yup, this is my favorite time. And I hope it just gets better.

It's been nearly 15 years ...

2010-04-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

since I saw some of my aunts, uncles and cousins. Well, they're more family friends but basically people I grew up with but haven't seen since I graduated from high school. The only reason I remember that is because most of them were at my graduation party.
Why does it take a death in the family (or close knit group of friends) to bring people together?
An uncle passed away this week. He and my aunt have been family friends since I can remember. Probably way before I was born.
My sister had this really cool idea at her wedding reception. Instead of subjecting the single women to catching the bouquet (I've always hated that), she asked all the couples to get on the dance floor. Every couple of minutes, the DJ would say something like, "If you've been married one year or less, please leave the dance floor" "If you've been married five years or less, please leave the dance floor" until he was up to fifty plus years. This particular uncle and aunt, at my sister's wedding, had been married the longest and his wife got my sister's bouquet.
That was almost 11 years ago.
From what I understand, his health had been failing him for quite some time now. While I've always liked him, we've never been super close. But I'm sad that he's gone. He and his wife had a long and lasting marriage that we young bucks can only hope and dream of. And I also think about how my parents and how they're getting along in age. It makes me sad. I try ignore the fact my dad walks slower and my mom's becoming more and more physically challenged.
And now with The Bun here, I see how precious time is and how much I want her to know her Nana & Papa and to love them with all her heart.

Is blogging the new VHS tape?

2010-04-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

Oh Facebook, what have you done?!
I know I've written about this before. Apologizing to all 1 1/2 people that read my blog for not writing nearly as much as before. I used to write so much! And then ...
Facebook.
Well, I'm sure having a baby, a full-time job, two puppies and, oh that's right, a husband!, have something to do with it.
I miss writing. I like reflecting and seeing what I cared about or deemed interesting a few years ago. And this here blog has been with me through three jobs! Luckily, only one man who's still around ;) (Shout out to The Man who knows I write about him here and on FB. Of course, it helps that I write exceedingly flattering things about him.) But the small group that once served as an reciprocal audience has gotten A LOT smaller. Should it matter? I mean, I'm supposed to be writing for myself! But it is fun to get feedback and some sort of reaction.
*sigh* Well, I'm going to stick it out. Maybe Facebook, like computers, will be passing fad.

Furlough FUN week!

2010-03-30T14:58:00.001-07:00

I'm not doing anything spectacular. Just hanging out with the babe and in-laws who are in town. Today I went to boot camp. I absolutely dread going and sometimes talk myself into not going. But once I'm there ... well, I'm still kind of hating life. But AFTER I'm done and I've left, I feel really good. Like a bad ass, actually ;) So if I can just win the good fight with myself (and not talk myself out of going) I plan on going at least one more time this week. Hopefully TWO.
I'm really excited to see that a yoga studio is opening up super close to my house. Within 5 minutes driving. YES. Now the only thing is working out the baby sitting situation. I'm hoping that it can be worked out. See, I can't expect The Man to watch her when he gets home. It's just not fair. Sure, once in a while for special occasions but we both readily admit that it's hard when once of us isn't home in the evening. It's when she is most fussy and we also have the pups! They need to get fed, the grown ups need to be fed and the Bun needs food, changing, and TLC. So going at night is not an option. *sigh* Hopefully something will come about. I even suggested having classes where moms can workout with their babies. The studio said they are trying to work that out. Now THAT would be nice. Until then, I sneek into boot camp here and there and go on walks with a stroller and two dogs.

Blessing in disguise

2010-03-17T06:59:00.000-07:00

I have a furlough week at the end of the month. Because I maxed out my PTO, this is going to be an unpaid week off (we have the option to use our PTO so it becomes sort of a mandatory vacation.) Although I could really use the money, I'm looking forward to a glimpse of what my life was like when I was on maternity leave. I'd like to say that I'm going to plan really cool outings with The Bun but I would rather relax, hang around the house and maybe plan one or two things for the week.
But Bun seems to be happiest at the beginning of the day so I'm really looking forward to our chill-out mornings. Here's to a Mommy Spring Break - no girls going wild here!

The Man fooling around...

2010-03-08T21:31:00.001-08:00

with photos ....

Where does the time go?

2010-03-04T06:53:00.000-08:00

I remember when I wrote a lot more. But I think that's happened to everyone that I read, as well. I also blame Facebook - damn the instant gratification!
Back to work. It's so busy. I will be celebrating my three year anniversary in a month. I was in school forever (w/ a ton of internships under my belt) so I know that's a solid excuse but I can't believe that three years is the longest I've been at a company!
Times are tough everywhere so of course the non profit sector has taken a hit. But I don't plan on going anywhere. I'm so thankful that I've learned that I really enjoy mission-driven work (not to be confused for a missionary worker. I'm just saying.) So I'm weathering the storm with the hope that things will look up for our economy. Unfortunately, all the cuts to public education directly affects my job so I am both sympathetic and a little depressed. I work with amazing volunteers who's jobs seem to be more and more in danger. Then I think about how Bun will be going to school in a few years ... and I can't help but be worried.
Anyway, I'm busy catching up on four and a half months of work. And I mean BUSY.
Bun has been going to my parents house and, every so often, her daycare. I love, love, love my parents and am so grateful to them. So is my pocketbook. Speaking of which, it STUNK not getting paid my last month. I made the decision, I don't regret it, but it stunk nevertheless! So I'm so grateful to my parents because not only are they giving Bun so much love and attention but they are helping me save money. Our daycare is actually very inexpensive but any amount hurts the wallet.
OK, got to wake up the baby, feed, change and get us out the door ASAP!

I don't think this makes me a bad mama but ...

2010-02-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

... I looooooove this pout! Love, love, love it. It makes me say, "Awwww honey!" and shower her with kisses. Then her pout is gone! It usually appears and goes away so quickly that I thought I would never be able to capture it in a photo. And sure, rather than comforting her right away this one time, I picked up a camera. But now I have this expression captured forever :)

Updates and such

2010-02-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

The Bun turned 4 months old this week. Wow. While she is still so little, it feels like she's been around for much longer because I can't really remember how every day life was like without her.
She still favors her right hand (she thinks it's really cool every time she sees it) but she knows she also had a left one now. And The Bun has this habit of rubbing them together like she's devising this evil plan to take over the world.
Really.
The Bun also has quite the kung fu baby grip. It hurts terribly when she feels like grabbing skin or hair. Other than that, she just likes to feel things and that isn't so bad.
In one week and a day, I go back to work. We all know the many feelings I have about that.
The Man and I are doing well. But he's been having to deal with property drama (with a home he bought prior to our marriage) and it has been extremely stressful. I feel so bad for him and it affects the quality time he has w/ The Bun. Instead of being able to spend time with his daughter, he has to call or email many folks and it eats up much of the evenings. Plus it puts him in a bad mood which I don't blame him because it really is stressful. He by no means takes it out on me or the baby but who wouldn't want to see the person she loves in a GOOD mood? Plus that leaves me alone to take care of the baby. But other than that, we are doing well and I'm thankful.
The pups have been baaaaaad lately. I think it's just one but unless you catch her in the act, we have to assume it's both. Two weeks ago, one of the peed upstairs on the carpet. Last week, someone pooped downstairs on the carpet. Yesterday, I found pee in the middle of the hallway. Also on the carpet. I have been absolutely furious because it's ME who discovered these crimes so it's ME who has to clean them. Mad, mad, mad. I haven't gotten physical (one, because unless the pup is caught in the act, she won't have any idea why I'm punishing her and two, I don't know which one did it!) but there has been a whole lot of yelling. LOTS. Yes, they are my furry babies but dammit I hate cleaning up that kind of stuff, especially on carpet!
Anyway, got to get ready for my Mommy group before she wakes up. I want to enjoy every little moment we have of bonding before going back to the j-o-b.

Roughly two weeks left ...

2010-02-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

and then mama's back to the j-o-b. Although it feels like time has just flown by, crazily enough, I also can hardly remember my routine without The Bun. So going back to work seems so foreign to me right now.
I know most mommies go through this. But it truly feels like I'm entering a whole new chapter in my life. I'm not necessarily sad, I think it's more bittersweet. I know that I need to earn my keep ;) But I feel like Bun and I just figured things out and now it's going to be changed up again. I didn't realize how much I actually enjoy predictability until I had a baby.
She is teaching me so much. Patience, selflessness, love - even at 3 in the morning.
She's even taught me to not be so anxious ... who would have thought? But a person can only listen to her baby monitor at full volume for so long. It also helps that Bun is a snorter so I am oddly comforted by her snoring in the wee hours of the morning :)
OK, I lied. Well, unintentionally. As I'm writing this, I am getting sad. Part of me wants to go back to work and have that part of me that existed before I was a mommy. The part that helped define me - a working woman contributing to society. But I also want to be the person who sees The Bun's firsts FIRST. I want to be the person who plays with her in the morning and helps intoduce the new day to her. The person who showers The Bun with kisses after each diaper change.
But it will be OK. We will have new adventures. New routines. New milestones. And boy oh boy, I loooooooove my mom and am so grateful to her and her willingness to do pro-bono daycare:) She is awesome.

Sleep

2010-01-26T21:29:00.000-08:00

I was so spoiled. The Bun had been sleeping over nine hours these past few weeks. Then she would sleep another 2-3 hours, sleeping a total of around 12. Yes, TWELVE. And then five nights ago, we went back to our old routine. Waking up at 2:30am and then at 7:00am.
*Sigh*
Just when I thought we were making progress! But the ladies with older babies from my Mommy group said that they all went through the same thing around four months.
Well, it was nice while it lasted.

1/27/10 edit: Last night, she woke up at 12am, 3am, 4am, and 5:30am. I wanted to kick my husband. Not because I thought it was his fault but I can't very well kick the baby. Or the pups. Well, guess I can't kick anyone, can I?

Pups, turn overs, grabbing and such

2010-01-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Bun,

The pups still respect your space. Well, if they can see you. When I cover your legs with a blanket, Pili has a bad tendency to step on the blanket, not knowing she's actually stepping on you. But whenever you cry hard, your furry sisters come racing to you and then giving me this look like, "Well? Aren't you going to DO something? FIX HER!" Although I know Piko loves you too, Pili is the one that comes into your room when your Daddy and I go through the night time routine and say good night to you. What's funny is that she sometimes forgets that when we turn off the light, it's time to go. We have to prompt her. We know this because, one time, we left your room and heard a couple minutes later one bark. Just one. Daddy quietly opened your door and Pili was waiting patiently on the other side. I thought it was very polite of her not to want to wake you.
You recently learned to turn over from your stomach to your back. I'm happy for you but I can't help dread that days I can leave you on my bed like an upside down turtle are gone. You are still slow to turn over but I know that rolling is just around the corner.
You are grabbing more and more. Last week, you grabbed my glasses. You constantly grab my hair but you've been doing that for a while so I suppose I'll be wearing ponytails, buns and braids until you're five.
Next week, I'll write about your teeth coming in (oh lawdee, you are NOT happy about that!), finding a daycare provider and our maternity leave time coming to an end. I'm not excited about that but I know you will be in good hands.

Love,
Mama

3+ months

2010-01-15T07:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Sticky Bun,

I really wanted to document every little thing you do but time has escaped me. And after I tuck you into bed, I'm in no shape to try to string sentences together on this little blog. So let me try to do a recap:
A couple of weeks ago, you discovered your right fist. It is seriously the most awesomest thing ever in your life right now. Seriously. And every time you move it out of your line of sight and then move it back, it's like Christmas Day all over again. It makes me and your Daddy laugh. We're looking forward to you discovering your left hand. You found it a couple of times but lost it and then forgot all about it so we don't count that yet.
I LOVE your pout. I think you've had that for at least a month. I didn't know that pouting was a natural expression. I guess I thought it was something toddlers learned to copy. Your pout is the CUTEST. THING. EVER. I try not to get caught up in it because I know that you are THIIIIIIIIIS close to crying and I need to tend to the matter at hand. But darn it, that pout is something else. And I don't think I'll ever be quick enough to capture it on camera (because, as I wrote, it usually quickly leads to crying) but it is sooo cute.
You are a champion sleeper. Over the past few weeks (again, I wish I had been good documenting all this because I love precise information ... but that's your mama being anal), we slowly moved you from going to bed at 10:00pm to 8:30pm. We have two white noise machines for you because you seem to take to them. Your Aunt Tiff remarked during her visit that it sounded like crashing waves when she passed by your room ... we take white noise very seriously since it seems to work for you.
You usually refuse your pacifier when we tuck you in but within 10 minutes to an hour, you typically cry a little. So your daddy or I sneak in, do what we call the "binkie push", and leave. Bless your little heart, that's all you need. When we first moved you into your own room, I turned the baby monitor all the way up because I was, quite frankly, freaking out at the thought of you by yourself. But you hardly cried and figured out how to settle yourself and eventually go to sleep.
Oh! I should mention that you started sleeping in your own room Thanksgiving week. I THOUGHT I was ready for that but I was a little bit of a mess when we moved all your stuff from our room to yours. I kept muttering, "I'm not ready, I'm not ready" but your Daddy thought it was time. Your Lola was visiting for the holiday so she slept in your room to make sure you were OK. Guess what? We discovered you sleep far better in your own room than in ours.
For a while now, you only wake up once during the night. You are now up to eight hours. You will probably figure this out as you get older but your mama LOVES predictability and routine. Which is not at all how babies are at all;) Sometimes, you will sleep up 10+ hours straight which FREAKS ME OUT. I admit, I always check on you to make sure you're OK. Other times, you will sleep 5-6 hours and need your after midnight feeding. It just depends. And sometimes, yes sometimes, you are like a rooster and get up at 6:30am!
Thank you for being a good sleeper. Not that you could control it if you weren't. But I'm very thankful because I LOVE my sleep and am a sad sack of somethin' else when I don't get it. But you are such a sleep champion. And, I've learned from other mommies that I'm really really really lucky. I don't take this blessing lightly, I'm thankful each and every day for this. Did I thank you for being a good sleeper? Let me thank you again :)
I have less than a month left of maternity leave. I have mixed feeling about this. I'm certain that I don't have what it takes to be stay-at-home mom. This, as with all occupations, is a special calling that I just don't posses.) But with tremendous help from your Nana, I have been able to enjoy spending all this time with you. And my heart breaks just a little to think that I may not be the first person to see you discover or do something new because I'll be at work. But I know that you are in fantastic and loving hands and for that I am also thankful. You being here has given me a new appreciation and respect for your Nana. She LOVES you to pieces and, now being a mama myself, I realize that she's kind of a super hero. And so is your Papa :) (He has been treating us to home cooked meals every so often!)
You are amazing and, just like any mommy, I think you are the best baby ever. Your Auntie Cons and grandparents all told me from the beginning that you were an easy going baby. They were amazed how little you cried and how much you sleep. I was hormonal and sleep deprived so I didn't really have good judgement. But, over three months later, this looks to be your personality. You are so wonderful. In fact, so very wonderful that your daddy talks about having another one. (I'll share with you my battle scar one day so you too can look at Daddy like he's crazy.)
I love you, Sticky Bun, and I'll try to be better about writing all about you so we can remember all these small but significant moments. Oh yes, next time, I'll write about how the pups love but stay away from you. Like you are a mob boss or something - they respect you, want to protect you ... but they stay far out of your way.

Love,
Mama

2010 ... what's next?

2010-01-05T18:12:00.000-08:00

2009 was a HUGE year for me. For us. We bought our first home together. And moved in while pregnant. It felt like I was pregnant FOREVER! Probably because I was for a good chunk of 2009 ;)
And then the arrival of our Sticky Bun.
Life changing.
What's going to happen in 2010? I would be perfectly happy if we just what we have right now. I don't want to be selfish and wish for a lot - we've been so blessed. Maybe professional growth? Yes, I would like that. And good health for all those that I love.
It's hard to believe that I'm going back to work in about six weeks. I am so thankful for the time I've been able to spend with SB. All the good times has certainly outweighed the rough patch in the beginning. She is a pretty cool baby. And I have outstanding support from my parents, Sister & mom-in-law.
Yes, I am so thankful for all the blessings I received in 2009. It was a really good year for us. Here's to good health and continued happiness in 2010!

Sticky Bun's 11 1/2 weeks

2009-12-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

Video by The Man:

How cute is she?

2009-12-23T17:42:00.001-08:00

My little girl. What a gift. I think God knew what I could handle and gave me one of the easiest going babies ever. I feel blessed. Sure, I wake up in the middle of the night, and my schedule is dictated by her but I get to look at THIS.
So, to quote her auntie, "How cute is she? Sooooooo cute."
Merry Christmas, baby girl.

After Birth

2009-12-14T09:29:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post all about the details of my experience after SB was born. And I realized that it could be discouraging to those, like myself, who have concerns about labor and delivery. Or misconstrued as extremely negative.

I love my baby with all my heart. She is AMAZING and yes, I believe she is THE BEST BABY in the entire world :) But I wish someone had sat me down and told me, "You may not have the Hallmark experience most moms talk about. You may be extremely terrified of your baby at first and not want to hold her. And that's OK." Then again, maybe I would have looked at the person like they had three legs and tell them to step back.

It's a tricky thing. When I was nine months pregnant, I didn't want to hear anything negative because I was already scared about the labor and delivery, I didn't need to think of what would happen when I took the baby home! I just wanted to hear how well I was handling the pregnancy (at least, to others) and how excited people were for me. I recently had a conversation with a mom who reminded me that she had, indeed, told me how hard a baby could be. She said, "Don't you remember? I told you it was going to be really really hard. And I told you that I personally thought the infant stage sucked and it was the part of having a child that was the toughest for me. Remember?" That's right. She DID say that! And then I remembered thinking, "What the HELL is wrong with her?! I don't want to hear that right now. I'm PREGNANT!"

Well, perhaps the delivery of her message lacked finesse. Or tact. But she was right. She had tried to warn me.

Most moms who I talked to throughout my pregnancy told me how wonderful it was going to be for me. They made me feel like I was joining an elite group. That being a mommy would be the best thing in the whole wide world. And I'm grateful for them saying that to me because, being all big and emotional, it's what I needed to hear. There is, though, this other part that I didn't really know about.

The first week after giving birth, I think I was still stunned from surgery and a bit loopy from pain medication. The second and third weeks were extremely difficult. I definitely did NOT have Hallmark moments with Sticky Bun. I cried every day, sometimes several times a day. I would wake up, look at my baby in her co-sleeper, and be terrified that she would wake up and start crying. And when she would cry, I would feel bad that I couldn't soothe her. Like I had let her down and every time it proved I wasn't meant to be a mom. I was more than happy to let my sister, mom, husband or anyone close to me hold her because they would probably do a better job.

Another horrible hormonal mind f*ck (because, really, I don't know what else to call it) I had was that I truly and honestly thought that my marriage was doomed. I sincerely believed that we were on our way to getting a divorce because how would it ever survive my crying and sleep deprivation? I was convinced that the love of my life would eventually leave me. It didn't help that I hardly saw my husband because his work shift changed right after I gave birth and he was now working from 3pm to 12am.

I could go on and on about the depressing things I thought. But I won't. That is in the other entry I wrote. And I'm keeping that entry so I never forget. IF I decide to have another child, I want to remember what I had gone through before to prove that it really does get better, even though, at the time it doesn't feel like it will. I also want to read that entry when I'm trying to decide if we should try again to have another:) I don't want to forget anything and I want to make the best decision possible when that time comes around again. I guess I could say I want to make an informed decision.

I am so glad that things eventually got better. One weekend, I stopped crying. And I didn't want to get too excited because I wasn't sure if my hormones would go out of wack again. But, thankfully, they didn't. I was able to think positively and I was able to see and believe that The Man was in it for the long haul. I realized that I should take the help my mom was offering and that it didn't mean that I was an awful mom by doing so. I was able to enjoy time with my baby.

I feel so bad for mommies that get the Baby Blues (what I had) or Post Partum Depression. Because you always hear how being a mommy is the best thing that could ever happen to a woman. And when you don't have those feelings that you're supposed to feel a week after taking home your baby, you feel GUILTY, freakish, and question what the hell is wrong with you. In addition to feeling like you have no skills to protect let alone mother your baby. And then all the feelings you have outside of having a baby, like marriage and self image. At least, that's how I felt with Baby Blues. I can't even imagine going through PPD.

My point? Since I'm sort of drilling in the despression over and over again. Don't be dismayed if you end up having these feelings. Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it but my Sister convinced me to go to a Mommy group. And to also talk to my OB-GYN. My doc, in turn, asked that I talk to a psychologist. Yes, by the time I saw her, things were much better. But if I had PPD, then I could have received counseling and/or medication.

Also, sympathize with new mommies. Don't judge her because her baby is in an ugly, mis-matched outfit. And missing a sock. Or she's in that mommy sweats outfit looking a bit sloppy. And her hair looks like hell. As long as she and her baby looks healthy, kudos to her. Because it is true - nothing rocks your world harder than having a baby. They have either just have their vaginas ripped to shreds or had their womb (skin & muscle) cut open and innards taken out and then put back in. For sure their hormontes are raging. And THEN they're given this baby that needs so much all the time. Yes, motherhood is beautiful. I truly believe that. But it is also one of the hardest things if not THE hardest thing a woman has to go through because it's a challenging process that starts with 10 months and then the really hard work begins. But I hear it's pretty rewarding ... and nine weeks into it, I agree.

Birth Story Part III

2009-11-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

It has been nearly seven weeks since I delivered Sticky Bun and my memories are fading. I had better write down what I remember before I forget. And, yes, I totally have baby brain. My vocabulary has significantly decreased and I talk like English isn't my first language. How sad that it's not only my first but my only.
I wondered if I should even write this all down because, from what I understand, women are programmed to forget all the trauma. Evidently, when my baby becomes a toddler, some part of my brain is going activate fire alarm blasts and scream at me, "You want another baby! You NEED another baby!" But I've gone this far so why not write the rest?

Sometime after 7:00am, I was prepped and ready to go to the O.R. The Man would join me shortly after he changed into scrubs. I was scared but thank goodness the epidural was strong. I really didn't feel much down there. I said goodbye to my mom and Patti. The plan was that the hubby would stay with me until Sticky Bun was out. Once SB left the O.R., as long as she was healthy, The Man would stay with her while my doula would then come into the O.R. and stay with me until I was done.

A mention about my mom. I didn't know if she would be around when I gave birth. My dad and she planned to attend a wedding in New York a week before I was due. I also knew that she wasn't big on the Natural Birth route so those two factors had made me want to seek out a doula. Well, she surprised me by being really calm and respecting my decisions ... although I know she thought it was INSANE that I didn't want the epidural right away. But I wasn't sure how she would handle me (or at least, parts of me) being inside out so I stuck with the original plan of having the doula there after The Man left.

I don't remember what I was thinking while I was being rolled into the O.R. I know I was scared. I'm the type of gal that looks away when my blood is being drawn. I don't faint but I sure as heck don't want to see the process.

There were a lot of people in the O.R. They were all friendly and calm because this wasn't an emergency C-Section. It was just unplanned ... for me. I asked if there would be a cover so I wouldn't see the surgery. Please tell me that the separator wasn't just on TV shows!!! Dr. Stephens assured me that there was a big sheet that went up, separating me from the operation. I was glad. I didn't want The Man to see the operation either. I know some of you will not agree but I can't help it. There is a certain modesty I have and while I have exchanged vows with him and he is my very bestest friend in the whole wide world, I did NOT want him to see my innards. What if he could never get that image out of his head? So much for intimacy. Perhaps it is completely irrational of me but how could he ever think I was sexy after that? It just felt like that would be too much. If I didn't want to see myself all cut up, I sure as heck didn't want someone I love (my husband, my mom, my dad ... anyone) to see me like that.

The sheet separator was no joke. They erected (and yes, erected is the perfect word) this huge sheet wall near my head. I couldn't see anything or anyone on the other side of it. A new anaesthesiologist introduced himself to me and said he was going to numb me so I wouldn't feel a thing. He wasn't, however, going to make me drowsy because he didn't want the baby drowsy. I was glad he said that because I did want my baby to be alert. I had learned that this would help the baby latch more easily than if she was drowsy from drugs.

After a few moments, Dr. Stephens said that they were ready. I was a bit out of it but I panicked. My husband was still not in the room. It was hard to talk by then but I spoke up and asked them to please wait for my husband. Where was my husband? One of the staff said that he was coming soon. In the meantime, Dr. Stephens said they were going to do a test to make sure I couldn't feel anything.

"Do you feel this?"

"No."

"Do you feel this?"

"No."

"Do you feel this?"

"Yes. Yes! I feel that!"

I will never forget how terrified I was that I could feel that pinch. Because I swear Dr. Stephens was ready to cut me open.

The anaesthesiologist even sounded surprised when he asked, "You really felt that?"

"Yes! It's on my right side. I felt that pinch! I felt it. I felt it!"

The anaesthesiologist said, "Let's wait a few moments." My doula later told me that the anaesthesiologist gave me more drugs and numbed further up my body because I had felt that pinch on my right side. I didn't mind, though, because I was petrified at the thought of being able to feel my C-section procedure. The one adverse reaction that made things difficult for me was I couldn't breathe. When I was prepped, I was given oxygen through the nose. Once they had numbed more parts of my body, I found it truly difficult to breathe. I was gasping, trying to suck in as much air as possible but couldn't. The staff didn't seem concerned so I guess I was getting enough oxygen but it certainly didn't feel like it.

I asked one of the nurses if I could change to an oxygen mask. They changed it for me but it was still incredibly difficult to breathe. It felt like they were going to start and still no husband. I was so relieved when I heard him enter the room. The Man asked me how I was doing and, for the life of me, I can't remember my answer. I do recall that once Dr. Stephens started and I could feel a tugging sensation, I felt sick and wanted to be distracted. I told him to talk about something. Anything. Just to talk so I could focus on something else. No, I don't remember what he was saying. I remember trying to ignore the tugging. I don't know if it was her pulling back my skin or if it was my insides being pulled out but there was a constant tugging feel and I hated it. I know The Man and I were trying to carry on a insignificant conversation.

Then we all heard a small baby cry. Almost like a kitten. I don't know who said it but I heard, "Congratulations! That's your baby girl. And look at all that hair!"

At 7:32am, that was when The Man had The Moment. The very moment that the almost ten months led us up to, that the entire night led us up to, the very moment he realized that the cry we had heard was our daughter. And I'm so happy for him that he had this moment. And I'm fine that I didn't. I was too doped up and trying too hard to breathe to have The Moment. I remember saying something to The Man like,

"Did you hear her? That's our daughter crying."

Then one of the nurses told him to cut the umbilical cord. He got up and was able to see her first. When he returned, I asked him how she looked and I'm pretty sure he said beautiful. He later told me that he almost cried, he was so happy. And for the rest of my life I will be glad that he had that moment.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

2009-11-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

Ahh, the official kick off holiday to Christmas season! Love it!
I've been meaning to finish the Birth Story but it takes time. And I realize that the second entry in that little series sounded bitter. Well, it wasn't horrible but it definitely wasn't the most fun I've had. So I want to be in a really positive state when I write the ending. I also had some post partum blues that I want to write about because it's something not a lot of mommies talk/write about.
I want to also write about Sticky Bun. She is getting quite a personality and she makes me laugh, even in the middle of the night when I'm tired. She has so many quirky noises and looks. She recently started giving me this "What you talkin' about, Willis?" look and I have no idea where it came from! She also has these facial expressions when she's pooping. I don't really need those faces to tell, though, because I can HEAR her poop. It's like her butt is percolating but instead of coffee, it's poop. And I'm waiting, well, we're ALL waiting, to see a real smile. Because I think it will be beautiful.
Anyway, those are the things that are in my head but want to write down. But that will all have to wait. Because I need to seize the day (or this moment) and take the opportunity to take a shower.
Happy Thanksgiving, my dear small group of blog friends! It's hard to believe that we've been reading each other for YEARS. And it's one of the things I'm thankful for ... I love you guys!

Birth Story Part II

2009-11-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

My parents were the first to arrive at the hospital. To give The Man credit, he was the one who called my parents, then our doula and then ran all over the house to pack everything that I hadn't included in my bag- The Office DVDs, The IT Crowd DVDs, DVD player, pita chips and I don't know what else but enough to fill two backpacks in addition to the one that I pre-packed.

I was lying in bed in my own hospital suite (thank goodness for the small miracle that my Kaiser has single rooms) when my parents walked in. My mom said in a sympathetic voice, "Hiiii Baby ..." and I broke down crying. My poor dad didn't know what to do with himself as my mom came over, enveloped me in a hug and said, "I know, this isn't how you planned it to be, is it?" And I just cried. My dad patted my leg. I don't think I was crying because I was disappointed in how things were turning out. I was scared out of my mind. I thought I had a week! It was my first day of maternity leave, for crap's sake! I thought when it was my time to labor, I would be in the house or somewhere nearby when I would feel contractions. Instead, I was a measly one centimeter dilated and given less than 24 hours to go into active labor or they were going to do it for me. Damn.

Oh, the doctor who admitted me, Dr. Fogarty, had finally asked me if I had eaten. I guess I could have told a nurse or doctor earlier but I hadn’t. So I told him no and he promised he would get me a real meal (not some stupid popsicle, chicken broth or something else on the water diet.) While it wasn't delicious, I finally got to eat around 6:00pm. It was some sort of bland cafeteria-looking food so thank goodness The Man intended to bring me pita chips.

He arrived shortly after my parents armed with all the backpacks. I had gotten out all my tears with my mom so I wasn't a sobbing mess when he entered the room. He didn't know what to do after kissing me and giving me a hug so he unpacked the three bags. My doula arrived soon after. Small world, Patti actually knew Dr. Fogarty and he told her that because I had preeclampsia, they needed to be very careful with my labor and delivery. He wanted to monitor my blood pressure and make sure the baby was out in a reasonable amount of time.

Dr. Fogarty came into my room soon after my doula arrived to discuss his plan. He wanted start off trying to induce my labor by breaking my bag of waters first with the hope that it would start contractions. If that was not enough to get the labor started, he then wanted to start pitocin. He said I was already dilated to two centimeters at this point and my cervix was soft which was promising. I told him that I needed some time to talk to The Man and my doula.

After he left the room, I asked my doula, Patti, what she thought about everything he said. She told me that having preeclampsia was not something to really mess around with and the baby did need to be delivered sooner than later but there were some things we could do to help get it going naturally. She said that breaking the bag of waters was a less invasive way to start and then we could get up and walk around and so some acupressure work to help move things along. Guess there was no way around it. I was going to have the contraption that looked like an effin' crochet hook.

Dr. Fogarty came back and said he wanted the nurse to get an IV started before he broke my water. A few words about the IV. Mary, my nurse, came in about 7:30 p.m. to start the IV. I really liked Mary - she was pleasant and encouraged me to ask lots of questions, especially to the doctors. But she couldn't start an IV for the life of her. At least, on me. From the get go, the needle hurt like a mother effer. She said that this was normal (it’s not) and that if I iced it, it would get better. Like hell it did. But I'll get back to that.

Dr. Fogarty returned at 7:56 p.m. to break my water. From what I understand, you're not supposed to feel pain. I know I was freaked out because, well, the apparatus really does look like a super long crochet hook. Imagine that going up your hooha. And I remember feeling pain. It certainly was incredibly uncomfortable. And afterwards, it was non-stop flowing warm fluid coming from me. That was a very weird sensation because it seriously was non-stop. It flowed for a while and then subsided. But I would shift in bed and would feel a lot more warm fluid come out. I coughed, more warm fluid. Heaven help me whenever I needed to get up and use the bathroom. I thought I was going to make a mess through the humongous pads they gave me. And they actually had me wearing TWO at a time. (Now that I think about, why didn't they just give me an adult diaper?) And every time I got up, I hated looking at the pad on the bed. It was always filled w/ clear fluid and blood. I know I shouldn't have been embarrassed but I was.

Back to the IV. It still hurt like a bitch. I thought that this was normal because I'm a weenie. But Patti said, no, you shouldn't be feeling it. She encouraged me to tell Nurse Mary so I did. After going through three ice packs, I finally requested for it to be moved due to the pain. It was about 8:10 p.m by this time. My doula gave me a foot massage and worked on some acupressure points that were supposed to help with going into active labor while we waited for the other nurse to come in to change the IV. It was a nice distraction. The Man asked me if I wanted to watch episodes of The Office and I definitely wanted as many distractions as possible so I said yes. Patti didn't tell me then but she told me later that she noticed on the monitor that I was having contractions, but they were very mild because I didn't really feel them.

At 9:05 p.m., a new doctor named Dr. Stephens introduced herself and let me know she would be taking over for Dr. Fogarty. She then explained that she wanted to start pitocin if my contractions didn’t get into a regular pattern within 2 hours of having her water broken. This meant she would actually want to start pitocin in just an hour, at 10:00pm, because my water was broken around 8:00pm.

From the books and the classes my husband and I took, I feel like we were taught to fear pitocin. Because once the pitocin came, stronger-than-ever-contractions would come and then I would need an epidural which through out any chance of laboring naturally. Now, let me be clear. I was indifferent to the epidural. I planned on trying to labor without it but if I needed it, I would take it. The pitocin, however, sounded like hell and why would I want to put myself through that?

So I asked Dr. Stephens if we could delay the pitocin and be given the opportunity to walk around the halls to help get things moving more naturally. In my doula's words, "Dr. Stephens seemed a little irritated at this." But she begrudgingly agreed to wait and see what would happen in the next few hours with my contractions. After the doctor left, I was a little ticked off by her attitude. Well, as ticked off as one can be while incredibly uncomfortable and leaking uncontrollably. Maybe the better term would be "turned off." In those classes we took, we were taught to ask questions and feel entitled to get answers. Heck, EMPOWERED because it's my body, after all.

Then I thought back to my birth plan and I could have sworn I requested a midwife over a doctor. I asked Patti if she could go into the hallway and flag down Nurse Mary. I felt comfortable enough with the nurse (because she had encouraged me to talk to the doctor and ask why whenever I felt it was necessary) to let her know I wasn't feeling this doctor. My doula stepped out into the hall and asked if Mary was available to answer some questions and to find out about getting the IV changed because nobody had come in yet to do it.

What was odd was that another nurse named Maria came into the room instead and said she could answer the questions I had for Mary. Well, I didn't know this Maria chick from a bucket of water and she was kind of pushy. Great. I asked if Mary was available and Maria said she could answer any questions I had. So in the nicest way possible, because I didn't want to be on the Dr. Stephens' bad side if I was stuck with her, I told Maria I would prefer a midwife. Maria asked if I had any medical complications with my pregnancy (um, couldn't she have read my chart?) When I told her I was just diagnosed with preeclampsia. Maria said that was considered a medical complication so I would have to be cared for by an OB. Damn.

I said OK because what else could I say but then asked again about getting my IV replaced. It was still really hurting. Maria said she would do it, but I told her Mary had asked someone else to do it. Maria seemed to insist she would take care of moving the IV and went to get everything she needed. When she came back she turned all the lights up and removed the first IV. What do you know, Maria was unable to get a second IV started and created a pretty big bruise on my right wrist where the first IV was because of the pressure created. I looked like I was a victim of domestic abuse. No ... seriously, the bruise was huge and spread up my arm from my wrist. I felt like telling her she should have practiced on an orange, not me, if she wanted to learn now to do IVs.

Finally, at 9:35 p.m. Maria said she could not get a new IV started and asked if I wanted and anesthesiologist to come in and start one for me. WTF do you think? Especially when my mom said that anesthesiologists were pros at putting in needles, it was just that IVs are kind of beneath them. So this guy named Mike came in about 10 p.m. and was a breath of fresh air. He joked around and was really easy to talk to. He also told me about the epidural and that he would be on tonight to give her one if I wanted. And let me just add that the IV Mike put in was painless. I did not feel a thing. Bless that guy's heart. And curses to Maria. (I liked Mary and while her IV made me incredibly uncomfortable, I wish her no ill will because she apologized over and over about it.)

At 10:20 p.m. Dr. Stephens came back into the room and said she wanted to start pitocin. Still terrified, I asked for some time to walk around because I had been stuck in bed this whole time while waiting for someone to come in and change my IV. Dr. Stephens said she would give me one hour to walk and see if the contractions would increase because she had to go into the OR for another C-section. So The Man, the doula and I were off to walk the halls while my mom hung back in my suite. You may be wondering what happened to my dad. I was only allowed to have three guests so he was in the waiting room. During that time, he also went out and brought my husband some food from a fast food restaurant. So The Man left us briefly to join my dad in the waiting room to eat.

By this time, I was walking pretty slow. The contractions weren't terribly strong but they slowed me down. So did my leaking and the two huge pads I had to wear. We walked several laps throughout the quiet halls of Labor & Delivery and Postpartum. The Man caught up to us after about three laps. My dad decided to go home and my mom decided to stay the night since she was allowed to stay in my room. The Man joined our little walkabout just as my contractions got a little stronger. But I was still really early in my labor. My doula was pooped from working all day and, knowing I still had a ways to go, asked if she could go to a nearby friend’s house to sleep for a little bit. We were to call her as soon as things progressed. She left at about 11 p.m.

Dr. Stephens returned soon after Patti left and I agreed to start the pitocin. Holy Mary, Mother of Pearl ... my contractions got a lot stronger. My mom hugged me or held my hand through the tough ones, especially when I started to cry. The Man felt bad for me and tried to comfort me too. At about 2:40am, I was in a lot of pain by then and told the hubby it was time for our doula to come back.

Patti arrived back at the hospital at 3:00 a.m. and I was sitting on the bed working through a contraction. When the contraction finished, Dr. Stephens checked my cervix and I was dilated to three centimeters. Only THREE EFFIN' CENTIMETERS. My mind was at the point of "bring me the GD epidural." My husband was surprised by this because he thought I was handling the contractions pretty well. To hell with handling, I thought. I wanted the epidural. I was tired and 12 hours had gone by since my supposed routine doctor's appointment. I wanted the bloody epidural.

By 3:30 a.m. the anesthesiologist came in. I was only allowed one guest while he administered the epidural. My mom and doula left and waited in the waiting room until everything was finished. It was a different anesthesiologist but he seemed competent. It was a weird procedure because I had to position myself just right for him to weave it into my back. I'm sure there's a better, clinical term for it but that's what it felt like, he was weaving a needle in and out of my spine. They had numbed the area so it didn’t hurt too much. The liquid felt cool but I was relieved that I wouldn't be feeling much pain for much longer.

My mom and doula were brought back to the room at 4:00 a.m. and, by this time, I was shivering and my legs were tingling. I guess these are normal side effects. The nurse kept having me switch sides for the next 20 minutes or so to make sure the epidural had a nice even effect. And the epidural started to kick in around 5:00 a.m. Hallelujah. I was pretty exhausted by this time and the epidural alleviated the pain. So much so that I was able to take a small nap.

At 6:00 a.m., Dr. Stephens wanted to put in an internal monitor for the contractions and a scalp monitor for the baby. The baby’s heart rate had not been as reactive as the doctor would have liked which is why she suggested these procedures. I was so tired that I took it hard that she was concerned about the baby's heart rate and stick even more contraptions inside of me. I cried a little after the monitors were put in. The doctor checked my cervix again and I had progressed to five centimeters and a -2 station. Not bad, I thought.

But at 6:48 a.m., Dr. Stephens came back in and said she was not really happy with the way the baby’s heart rate was staying flat and she suggested the baby be delivered by cesarean section. Son of a bitch. The very thing we didn’t want. I asked for a few minutes so I could talk to The Man. I was scared but had a feeling that everything that had gone on (and wrong) in the past few hours was leading up to this inevitable conclusion. And if this was the only way to make sure the baby was safe, I just had to suck it up and do it. I gave Dr. Stephens the go ahead and was prepped for surgery ...

Birth Story part I

2009-11-02T16:36:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, October 6th was my first day of maternity leave! My due date was 11 days away but I was slowing down. I took it easy and didn't fill up my day with lots of To Dos. I did want to make the best of my newly found free time, though, and made simple plans for lunch with a good friend. We went to my favorite South Indian restaurant and was stuffed with all sorts of vegetarian goodies. Afterwards, we decided to get pedicures - I figured I should have pretty feet because I would be going to the hospital in a few days and just about everyone working there would have to see all parts of my body, including my feet.

My friend and I parted ways around 2:00pm because she had to pick up her son from school and I had my weekly doctor's appointment. I took deep breaths as I was driving to Kaiser because my doctor was monitoring my blood pressure and I didn't want to give her any reason to send me to the lab for blood work. I hated going to the lab because it always oozed of sick people!

When I got to my doctor's office, I did the weekly ritual of peeing in a cup and then waited for my appointment. The nurse called me in, took my blood pressure and ... son of a biscuit. It was 140/90. Not bad for most people but in comparison to my normal numbers (like117/70), I knew that my doctor would lecture me. Well, she's very nice so she doesn't have to do much at all to make me feel guilty.

I waited in the examination room with dread, knowing that she would most likely make me go to the nasty lab where everyone was sick and have to give blood to make sure things were OK. I was partially right. My doctor came into the room and told me that my blood pressure was too high for me and that there was a lot of protein in my urine. Like she was asking me to pass the sugar, she casually told me that these were signs of Preeclampsia and that I would most likely need to deliver within the next 24 hours. She already called the lab so that they would expect me to test my urine one more time as well as take some blood work. After going to lab, she said, I was then to go straight to Labor & Delivery to await my lab results and most likely to be admitted.

I was knocked off my feet. I mean, I KNEW that births hardly if ever go according to plan. Anything and everything can happen. But I thought I had at least a week more of maternity leave before delivering. I was only ONE CENTIMETER dialated. I knew that my baby was no where near ready to get the party started. If I had to deliver within 24 hours, my preferred plan of going the natural route was most likely slim to none.

I had started to cry because I felt overwhelmed. I just nodded and smiled at my doctor through my tears and made my way to the lab. I took a number and waited among the sick (the lab is probably what I dislike most about Kaiser), gave blood and another urine sample, and then walked a lonely walk to the Labor & Delivery ward. Once I go there, they had me lie in bed in a curtained area that must have doubled as the break room. I had privacy but I also heard the microwave being used, the fridge being opened and what sounded like a couple of people taking their lunch. Sweet. Did I mention Iwas hungry by this time? Sure I was upset but I was still pregnant and needed to eat!

During this time, they set me up on a heart rate monitor and I just waited. And waited. And waited. So I made some calls. I called my husband first who had casually answered the phone. He knew it was me because of caller ID but I couldn't say anything because I knew the flood gates would open. He jokingly said, Hellllo?!", thinking I was goofing off. Finally, I just said in a broken voice, "I'm in the hospital. The doctor said she thinks I have Preeclampsia. I'm waiting for my lab results. If I have it, I'll have to deliver the baby sometime during the night."

"What?" He was waiting for me to get home so we could get some dinner. By this time, an hour had gone by and talking to The Man calmed me down. We both figured that if my situation was truly an emergency, I would have heard from the Labor & Delivery doctor on call. But I hadn't. And by the end of our conversation, we decided that he would wait for me to come home and we would get burgers. Because I was starving! Afterwards, I called my doula and left her a message. Having to relay the message again, although I had calmed down, made me tear again. I made the decision NOT to call my parents at this time because, although I was terrified, I still hadn't heard from the doc and it was nearly two hours since my original appointment.

At around 5:30pm, the Labor & Delivery doctor finally came around and told me that my lab results all came back. I was officially diagnosed with Preeclampsia and the only way to remedy this was to deliver my baby as soon as possible, preferably by tomorrow morning. Well, hell. The Man thought I was calling him to let him know that I was coming home but, instead, I called him crying AGAIN to let him know that I was being admitted into the hospital and that I needed him to call my parents, our doula and to bring my the bag I packed for the hospital.

And yes, I was still hungry, damn it.

I miss blogging ...

2009-11-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

My life has been turned upside down but I promise to return to tell all about it: The Good. The Bad. And the sleep-deprived Ugly.

My, how things have changed

2009-10-15T00:47:00.000-07:00

I'm either becoming used to not having a continuous amount of sleep or am now delirious from sleep deprivation. I'd like to think it's the first but it's probably the second. In any event, I've made my way back onto a computer.
Sticky Bun's birth story is on the way.
I can't believe how easily Four Pounds of Fury (what I've nicknamed SB's crying fits) can make me shiver in my boots. Girl can YELL! And then she turns a fine red-purple. I'm glad the Fury doesn't frustrate me or push me over the edge but it does make me a wee bit scared of her. Less now that I'm home and have gotten used to it. I bluff my way through it, acting like I don't care and hum her a song. But she has to notice that I move my ass a little faster to get her diapered ;)
I also have moments when I look at her and can't believe she is mine. This little being is my daughter. And then I am filled with so much love for her and The Man, I can hardly stand it. I love maternity leave and being able to bond with her.
I am not torn up in the places I thought I would be. So my recovery is very different from what I imagined. Thank goodness for pain killers. But more about that will be in the birth story.
All right. That's it for now. I finally started responding to emails but I've not made or answered phone calls just yet. Mainly because I seem to have forgotten all vocabulary past second grade which makes stringing together complete sentences pretty impossible. Hopefully even a little more sleep will come my way eventually or I may just have to throw out my phone.

Swing shift

2009-09-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you wanted to know all about my cervix in its 38th week but that's going to have to wait.
The Man is at a new project for two weeks and it requires him to work from 4pm to 1:30am and the household is topsy turvy with this one! OK, it's not sooo bad but thank goodness I'm on travel restriction with work and that this is also my last week before maternity leave. Because I don't know how peppy I would be next week on this same schedule.
I'm already a light sleeper due to the body invasion I'm currently experiencing. So when The Man comes home around 2ish am, even if he was Ninja stealth-like, I'd probably still wake up. But he's not. And the pups go ape $hit when he comes home so I just wake up. Bless his heart, he tries to be relatively quiet. And he's so pooped that all he wants to do is take a shower and go to bed. But the dogs act like it's Christmas day when he comes home. So when he makes his way to the bedroom, I say hello, wait for things to settle down and then go back to sleep. Of course, because he basically is my binkie or teddy bear, it's hard to sleep with him not in the bed anyway. I get into bed around 9pm but don't fall into a good sleep until after 11pm. It doesn't help that the pups are like those faulty car alarms in the city. You know, the ones that go off for nothing and just piss you off because they stay on for what feels like hours and hours? Well, I love my pups but that's kind of what they do. I'm guessing it's because the Alpha dog isn't home and it's freaking them out that the "pack" is not all together. At least, that's what I tell myself so I don't give them the boot and make them outside dogs.
And in case you were dying to know, the doctor said that this week my cervix is paper thin and the head has dropped lower. I'm surprised I'm not sitting on her.

I have a soft cervix. How about you?

2009-09-22T16:51:00.001-07:00

At least, that's what my doctor told me as of Monday :)
So I'm going into my 37th week. I sleep anywhere from 4 to 6 hours a night, not consecutively. I wake up 3-5 times a night to use the restroom. That is my response whenever I'm asked, "How are you feeling?" And then they usually follow it up with, "Oh well that's great practice for you!"
Well, gee. Thanks.
Sticky Bun is showing off her acrobatics now. I had told The Man that she moves slowly. Before I could say, "Like Tai Chi" he asked, "Like a stripper?"
"NO MAN! LIKE TAI CHI!" I yelled at him! "And it can't be good for you to already compare her to a stripper!"
Sheesh.
Her room is all set. Boring and very pink but all set. I didn't want to paint because who am I to tell her what colors she will like? Plus I'm lazy. Today we just got her co-sleeper which we need to set up in our room. The Man is waiting to put in the car seat but it's all ready to go in the garage. I've packed my bag for the hospital and hope that I thought of everything. Luckily, we live three minutes away so if I do forget something, he can go back and get it. Unless it's something I will need during labor. Then I think we're going to have to just write it off.
As I mentioned, my doctor told me that my cervix is soft. She also said that she thought she felt the head. Let me just write that it was not at all comfortable. My blood pressure is back to being excellent and I'm keeping my blood sugar in check. The doctor reiterated that I need to make sure I continue to do so or else baby will build fat on her shoulders. And it doesn't take a genius to know that THAT isn't at all good for me. I see the doctor every week until the baby arrives.
One thing is for sure ... she's a-comin'!

35th Week

2009-09-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Well gestational diabetes certainly showed ME who's boss, didn't it?
Evidently, although my numbers were just a wee bit high, the higher-than-normal-for-me blood pressure did not sit well with the doc and I find myself pricking my finger(s) 4x a day.
I think the (months) of lack of sleep coupled with my weight gain finally took a toll on me and I got hit by the drama truck. I mean, I haven't been too moody or emotional this entire time. Truth be told, it's probably far better than when I used to get my periods. But I was just EXHAUSTED and hearing that I was going to have to test my blood four times a day, once when I wake up, each time exactly one hour after every meal and check in with a nurse once a week ... well, I just thought, "Mother f*cker, yet another thing I have to remember or do on top of everything else?" and I teared up. Then, when The Man came home and asked me how my day went and I told him, I just cried. And I think I was cursing. In any case, he didn't know what to do with his mess of a wifey except say, "Honey, why don't you book a spa treatment this weekend?"
So I did. And it was lovely. I finally had a GOOD prenatal massage (they do exist!) And things didn't seem so bad, after all.
That was two weeks ago, I think. I'm now in my 35th week and thinking about three things:
1. I have a ton of work I need to get done before going on maternity leave so that my boss doesn't think I'm some sort of slacker when she takes over.
2. OH. MY. GOSH. I'm going to be a MOMMY in 3-5 (I'm not even going to accept 6 as an option) weeks!!!
3. OH. HEEEEELLLLLLLLL. She's going to have to come out one way or another. Am I mentally and physically ready?!
Now I don't think of these three things every single moment but I do think about them repeatedly every single day. I also plead with myself and the higher power that, "Please oh please let me lose the weight I've gained. And please let me have something SIMILAR to the body that I had before." Shallow, I know but this is the society we live in and there is incredible pressure. I also think (because I AM a good person), "Please please please let Sticky Bun be healthy" which I do pray for every day.
So these are the running thoughts, among the million, I have in my head multiple times a day. And now I have to get off blogger because mama needs to w-o-r-k.

Week 31

2009-08-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

Take THAT, gestational diabetes! HA! (Although it might have been a blessing in disguise because it would have discouraged me from eating everything under the sun.) In any event, my glucose test came back normal. And that's how I kick started week 31.
I think I'm waddling now. Lor' knows I've stopped crossing my legs a long time ago. And I think I sit like a Sumo wrestler. Sex-xyyyyy. But when your stomach now rests on your lap when you sit, do you really care? Well, I do ... and then I reposition myself and try to forget about it. I also strongly dislike pants. I have a maternity work dress for every day of the week and think I will cycle through them until I give birth. Because the idea of pants makes me want to scream! I hate that they feel constricting by the end of the day (I get bloated easily on a daily basis, even before the pregnancy.)
But there's plenty of good stuff, too. OK, just one really. But I love it. I can feel Sticky Bun kick or move just about all the time now. Sometimes I'll gasp for what looks like no reason but it's because she got in a good one and surprised me. Or sometimes it will feel like she got in a good thump and decided to drag her foot down for good measure. And it may be a weird thing to most but I LOVE it. I like knowing she's there, hanging out, getting bigger and stronger. Because I worry, you know? And her thumps just reassure me that she's doing all right. Obviously if and when it starts to hurt, I may be singing a different song. But this is probably the best part of my last trimester.
Sooooo ... I've been around a few new mommies (they gave birth late last year) and I enjoy hearing about their experiences. They are all so different - one mama had a Doula, the other two did not. Two had quick pregnancies, one had a verrrrrrry long one! Things like that. In any case, one mama has been singing the praises of cloth diapers.
That's right, cloth diapers.
Jeezus on a stick, how granola have I become?!
But listen ... this gal loves cloth diapers for so many reasons. Good for the environment (uh huh - I'm getting better but I'm far from winning any Ms Green USA awards), easy to use, and a lot cheaper than disposable. NOW you have my attention!
She broke down the cost per month and then the savings after a year. WOW. So I mention this to The Man who automatically crinkles his nose. Who can blame him? I did it too. But then he went online and did some research (one of the reasons why I love this man to death - he is very open minded!) We're not sure if this is REALLY true but one of the benefits is that babies in cloth diapers tend to potty train faster. We're not sure how one is linked to the other so we just chalk this up to a bonus benefit if it's true. He, like me, really liked the savings aspect. And another thing we both liked is that diaper rashes will be minimal if not non existent. This is great because I have very sensitive skin and I fear I will pass this fun trait to my daughter. But then The Man took it a step further. He looked into Diaper Services. Because even though breast milk poo isn't as bad, he still didn't like the idea of having to deal with it.
That's right, I married the man of my dreams. Really honey, we're going to use a diaper service?!
He examined the cost of the service vs disposable diapers and we still will save money. So we're going to try the diaper service out for the first two months. Yes, I recognize that it is sad that things of this nature make me so over-the-moon-happy but I don't care. I am super excited that we will be using one!
And that is all for Week 31. Not really a cohesive entry but just a bunch of jumbled thoughts. I'm going to blame it on the pregnancy. And not because I'm too lazy to take the time to form good paragraphs:)

30 weeks ...

2009-08-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

I'd like to say that I feel like I'm at the home stretch. That I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't. Right now I'm thinking, "Holy $%&*, I have TEN more weeks left. TEN!"
I've been told numerously that I'm really blessed to have what is considered a good pregnancy. Only got a little sick the first trimester and, knock on wood and everything else, haven't run into complications. And yes, comparatively, especially to those who have had to be on bed rest, I'm sure my pregnancy has been stellar. And, by golly, if these ten weeks are what it takes for Sticky Bun to grow and develop properly, I'm on board 100%. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to bitch about it.
Because, dammit, I am tired of being pregnant. I'm pretty sure I'm getting bigger by the minute. After all, isn't she? But it's becoming impossible to sleep without waking up at least three times a night. Usually, it's more. Even maternity pants are no longer comfortable. I swear my boobs can now feed a village of babies. My shoe selection is now limited to flip flops. And the skin across my chest and tummy is ITCHY and tight. (Yes, I've faithfully smothered myself w/ shea butter. Back off.) Oh, and I'm a tiny bit more irritable. I'm thinking the itching, lack of sleep, uncomfortable weight gain and hormones have all contributed to this.
I know it's all going to be worth it. I know that if I think I'm in love with this baby now, this baby I haven't even seen yet, I'm going to be head over heels in love when I meet her. I know that almost all the negative thoughts I've had these 10 months (did you know it's actually ten months of pregnancy?!) will pretty much disappear as soon as I hold her ... which explains how moms can have more than one child. I know that I will love and be devoted to this little girl for as long as I breathe.
But wow, I am still on board on trying to figure out how we can have babies like hens have chicks.
As for the labor ...
The Man and I are meeting with our doula this week. I feel really good about my decision and am glad that The Man has been supportive. I've learned that when I am uncharted territory, I am comforted when I do my research and am arm myself with knowledge if I can't have the experience (yet.) Like I told my husband, I'm looking forward to the birth of Sticky Bun the way I looked forward to my 21st birthday. I know it's going to be a monumental occasion in my life and something I will remember forever. I also know that with all the joy I will be experiencing with The Man to bring Sticky Bun into this world, it is going to hurt like a MOTHER EFFER.

SB at 28 weeks ...

2009-07-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

By the time you are 28 weeks pregnant, the baby's:
Body is about 11 to 14 inches long.
Weight is about 2 lbs.
Lungs continue to mature.
Nervous system has developed enough to control some body functions.
Eyelids open and close.

(Of course, my baby is tan:)

It's starting. Sticky Bun isn't coming for another 2 1/2 - 3 months but she's already taken over parts of our home.
In my office are materials and boxes of favors waiting to be handed out for the shower.
The garage is filling with big toys we received from my in-laws and the crib my parents bought her that has yet to be assembled.
SB has claimed her bedroom upstairs. The closet is packed with all sorts of hand-me-downs from my in-laws: humidifier, 2nd crib & bathtub (we have to move those to my mom's), carriers, and just a bunch of other necessities. SB already has outfits given by lovely friends who, dare I write, are as excited as me to dress up a little girl and the outfits are just waiting for SB in her dresser.
We're starting to receive shower gifts and sprinkled about downstairs is a new bathing tub, booster seat, infant swing, and the changing table that The Man is in the process of assembling.
Sticky Bun is taking over our house. The puppies aren't going to know what hit them. Poor things.
PS: I've had to stop The Man from putting the baby's clothes on Pili. He may just be teasing me but I really can't tell.

But what about her furry babies?

2009-07-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

I had a Marley and Me moment the other day. Meaning, I saw the movie, bawled my eyes out at the thought of Piko and Pili leaving us and then I looked lovingly at my very cute yet sometimes disgusting pups. They're so small that they will always seem like puppies to me even though they are full fledged dogs.
Things have been pretty chaotic for us since the start of 2009. January 1st rolled around and we made it a priority to hunt for a new home. Then we made an offer and went through all that shenanigans. During this crazy time, we also found out I was pregnant. Then we moved. (Shoot, that's still a work in progress - we have stuff at our old place!) And we've had to learn to adjust our spending habits because we can't necessarily live in the style we are accustomed to because we now pay mortgage, insurance, HOA fees and a plethora of other bills that come with the joy of being homeowners. OK, I'M the one a bit challenged with this but I've made many changes. For instance, switched from my expensive ass shampoo and conditioner to the $3 stuff (which my hair can totally tell, isn't fooled for a minute, and is currently fighting with me.)
We have taken no recent pictures of the pups. But I don't feel so bad about that because we haven't taken many pictures, period. We don't even have pictures of our new home or baby bump progress pictures. The lack of photographs is a result of our move. I have no idea where my old camera is and we don't have the adapter to charge our new camera.
But I wanted to reassure everyone that our pups are still around and loved. We didn't give them the boot after we found out about Sticky Bun. In fact, The Man thinks it's hilarious to tell me that he wants to try the baby clothes we received as gifts on Pili to see how she looks in them. They still rule the house. For now. I don't know if that will still be the same when SB is here. But they are loved and adored. There were times, though, after discovering a couple of "accidents" in our new home, when I wanted to kick their furry butts outside and make them outdoor dogs. But I didn't. In fact, we want to make sure things go smoothly so, after finding this article on the internet, we are going to be doing the following in the next month or so ...

Every pet, even the friendliest one, has the potential to bite, especially if the pet feels threatened, scared or becomes overly excited. Animal bites can be serious, but you can help prevent them by following some basic tips:
• Spay or neuter your pet; this will help decrease aggression and other problems. Done
• Do not play rough games, like wrestling, with your dog. Done
• Keep your pets' vaccinations up to date, including rabies. Done
• Take your dog to obedience classes. Done ... but you'd never know it.
• If you don't want your pet to go in the baby's room, start forbidding it now, before the baby is born. Yah right. Our pups act like they put down the principle on this home.
• Play recordings of a baby crying, turn on the infant swing, or use a rocking chair so your pet gets used to the sounds. Won't play recordings because that's creepy but we'll do everything else.
• Sprinkle baby powder on your skin so your pet becomes familiar with new smells. Piko loves the taste of Cetaphil. No really, you would think it was peanut butter. So I better make sure she doesn't like baby powder or lotion or that baby is going to get some major lovin' from her.
• Never leave your baby alone with any animal. And I was going to have the baby sleep with them on the doggy bed instead of a crib. Darn.

This just confirms my belief that you are already a momma if you have a furry animal and treat them nicely. Because this is a helluva lot of work for just a "pet"! ;)

Pimp my crib

2009-06-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

After much research, deliberation, and negotiation, we have a crib and changing table on the way for Sticky Bun. Here's the background story:
My mom called me and asked if I had visited Potterybarnkids.com. I said no because I knew our budget and it did not include the prices at Pottery Barn. Well, mom said that she and my dad wanted to buy a crib for us and that the crib would be my parents' shower gift. I had been putting off looking into big ticket items like cribs, strollers, car seats because I knew it would be quite a bit of reading (books, seller sites, and recalls) and, well, be a bit depressing when looking at the costs! But it was nice to hear my mom getting excited about SB so I followed her directions and went onto the site.
The crib was $1,000.
I told her that I love her very much, thank you, but I cannot let her throw down that kind of cash on ONE item that their beloved grandchild wouldn't appreciate anyway. Let's be honest, it's more for me and The Man. And, to be excruciatingly honest, the beauty of the crib would mainly be for me! I told her I would call her back.
I love my mama and daddy and knew that The Man and I now had to get off our asses and start to research. Because they are retired, middle class folk who should not be kickin' down that kind of money for a crib.
Research: I cracked open my book, Baby Bargains, which is not only helpful with deals but also goes into great length about safety. The Man hopped onto consumerreports.com and read all about the cribs they tested for safety and comfort ratings. From this we knew that we wanted a convertible crib: they start as a standard full-size crib, then grows with your child to a toddler bed, then a day bed and finally to a full-sized bed with headboard and footboard. We also wanted to have adjustable, four-position, metal mattress support. Yes, the crib from Pottery Barn fit the bill but we so did other cribs in the $300-$450 range.
Deliberation: The Man was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of my parents buying the Pottery Barn crib. They have helped us out so much already, especially with the house, and he just felt like it was not a need but a luxury. I wasn't that taken as aback because my parents liket to splurge every so often but I saw his point and completely agreed. But we knew we couldn't just tell her no. So we looked at all the cribs at Babies R Us and found two that we liked that met our requirements and looked similar enough to the crib my mom had her eye on.
Negotiation: I called my mom back, gave her the links and asked her to check out the cribs. I told her how The Man and I had researched and found that these cribs were not only lovely but also considered the safest for SB. She was shocked that these cribs were less than half the cost of the crib she had checked out and they were still 4-in-1 (a must in her eyes because it was more crib/bed for her buck!) My mom told me she would look at them more closely and call me back. When she did, she told me she found a crib very similar to the ones we showed her on the military shopping website. This meant no tax and no shipping cost. It was a tad bit more but still very reasonable. So reasonable, in fact, that she decided she wanted to buy the matching changing table because the two together was STILL significantly less than $1,000.
And that is how Sticky Bun (and any future baby down the road) got her crib and changing table because I'm all about hand-me-downs!

THANKS, soon-to-be-second-time-around Nana and Papa. We love and appreciate you both!

23 going on 24 months weeks (it just feels like months!)

2009-06-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Sticky Bun,
Well, you and I are embarking into a new part of our journey. Well, this WHOLE journey is new for us both, isn't it? The weather is finally changing and it is now summer. I admit, little one, this is one of the things I've dreaded on our journey (the labor is still #1.) I'm not the best when it comes to heat but I make do. Well, add on 10+ lbs and a lack of summer yet professional work attire and I'm in a bit of a pickle. But, luckily, your Dad and I chose what is the probably the windiest part of town to live. This has been a blessing when it reaches past 80 degrees!
You started kicking more frequently two weeks ago and I am very relieved. You will soon find out that your mama worries A LOT and will always be a worrier. I wouldn't say I'm paranoid or anxious but I do have a stock load of doubt and uneasiness. I worry a lot about you. If you're growing all right, if you're ship shape mentally and physically, things like that. So I'm really glad you're kicking, elbowing or kneeing me. Just don't do that once you come out.
I'll be registering soon for your nursery and things you will need. Your nana loves herself some pastel pink. If I left it up to your nana, every cotton-pickin' thing you will own would be baby pink. And maybe you would love that. But I had to reign her in. It's one thing to dress you up in pink and frilly things. I don't mind if she dresses you up like a cupcake. I'm pretty sure I'll think you're beautiful and precious no matter what. It is, however, quite another thing for me to have to look at a nursery with pastel pink everywhere. I can just imagine myself losing my $hit at 2 in the morning because I'm sleep deprived and having to look at a girlie girl room. So I'm sad that I have yet to find baby decor that has made my heart melt. I know, it's trivial which is why I haven't really worried about it. (I would much rather worry about how you're growing and doing.) But now that I have to register, I know this is a perfect opportunity to decorate your nursery with the help of our family and friends. But I just can't find anything I like yet.
I'm unsure how I want to handle your delivery. I'm still considering a doula but your dad is certain he will be able to be a great coach. I'm hoping he will learn massage and pressure point techniques that are supposed to be helpful during labor. Any little bit helps! And between you, me and the internet, I'm a little afraid of how your dad will react to all the blood and, hmm, stuff (no point in me getting graphic, we know all about the stuff) that will come from my body during labor. Shoot, I joked with him about the mucous plug and I know he was pretty disgusted. But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Because, as you will soon find out, your dad is one tough dude and very much a guy's guy. So maybe he will be able to stomach the not-so-pretty to see just how rewarding your delivery will be. Plus, from the stories he tells me about the portables at work, he really shouldn't be disgusted with anything that happens in the delivery room.
Here's to a great next 3 1/2 months, Sticky Bun. You and I are both in uncharted territory (well, for us) and I am really looking forward to when you finally arrive. Because I love you soooo much already.

To Doula, or not to Doula

2009-06-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

I think each mama-to-be has her own process. As I've mentioned before, I am not a woman who was born to be a mom and had done preliminary research prior to getting pregnant. Meaning, I didn't know the ins and outs of pregnancy, birth and raising a child before deciding to have a baby. I drew upon information gathered from other people over the years but had not done major research like I did when writing my thesis.
Because I was in college for so long (six and a half years!) I tend examine my behavior during those years because it's still sort of how I operate. For instance, I was definitely a crammer rather than someone who got the reading done way in advance (plus, with grad school, we had so much reading that there was no chance to get ahead.) Lucky for me, I think nine months is a fantastic amount of time for me to figure a lot of things out.
Way before I got pregnant, my philosophy of giving birth was KNOCK ME THE EFF OUT. No really, I did not give a hoot about the process, I just want to wake up and have my baby next to me, ready for me to hold. When I became pregnant, I still have this philosophy. In fact, a coworker who had recently given birth was sharing her birth story with us and said she did not want to take any drugs if possible and she kept telling herself during the most painful moments that "every contraction brought her closer to the baby." And I'll be honest, I thought "EFF that, I want nothing to do w/ contractions and letting nature take its course, I want that over as quickly as possible."
Well, ladies, it looks like someone has an undercover granola side to her.
I don't feel so strongly enough about birthing methods (like one is right and one is very wrong!) to preach or judge anyone for choosing something different than the route I plan to take. I mean, I wanted to be knocked the eff out, remember? I will not judge anyone else's birthing or mothering methods because we all are just trying to do and be our best. Anyway, I've read a few books, seen a documentary, am in the process of taking several different classes and talked to those in the medical professional, those that take a more holistic approach, and very granolaesque people. I've pieced a little bit of my former beliefs along with what I've researched (I'm planning on reading one more book!) and have started to come up with a birth plan. Which in itself is controversial! I know that some people think birth plans are crap. I mean, depending on what state you're in when you're finally in labor, that plan could be torn to pieces! But if things were ideal and calm, I will have a birth plan to give to everyone and their mama when I arrive in the hospital. In addition, here are a few things that I've decided. And I fully recognize that I could change my mind because I have four more months! But so far, these are some of my requests:
1. Doula: I found one that I like but she may be on vacation in October. If she is, I don't know if I will interview more. A doula can run between $400 - $1,500. The Man said that he will respect and enforce my wishes and I could pay him half that :)
There is something comforting about having someone who has enough knowledge to be able to stand up for me to the medical staff, especially when I'm going to be at my most vulnerable. I don't view the med staff as the enemy, but because I will be giving birth in the hospital, who knows what doctors and nurses will be on duty and even if the same ones will remain on duty by the time I give birth.
2. Hospital Birth: I actually considered a home birth. I'm telling you, things freakin' change when you've got a fetus hooked up to you!! :) But in one more books (I won't plug it but if any of you want book recommendations, let me know because I like this one) after it states the benefits of home birth, it also said something like if you're not 100% sure this is what you want and if it's your first pregnancy, maybe it's not the best thing for you. Because you have nothing to compare it to and you could be very nervous. Oh heck, even though the environment sounds ideal, the thought of birthing at home makes me so nervous! So I decided that if I could and either The Man or a doula was present at home, I would try to labor as much as possible at home and then go to the hospital. Which, thank goodness, is less than five minutes away!
3. Drugs: Oh the drugs. I guess I've been around a lot more people who have the holistic approach because I've been (gently) discouraged from taking drugs. And there are great reasons not to take drugs which I will not list. I take all the information I've been given under consideration. But when it comes down to it, I'm indifferent when it comes to the epidural. I have a low tolerance for pain and I know myself enough to know that I do not want birth to be a traumatizing experience. I know, I know, women forget and that's why so many have more than one. I am going to ask the doctor if it's possible to have what I think is called an epi-light. It's when the patient can control the dosage amount depending upon the pain. If at all possible, I do not want Pitocin unless it is absolutely necessary.
4. A Natural Birth: If at all possible, I would like to avoid a C-section. I know that an epidural and certainly pitocin could very well lead to a Cesarean section. Which is why I have to think even more about the epidural. But the pain! Ahh, we'll see. And as with everything related to birth, there could be an emergency situation where I will need to have a C-section. But I'm going to try to do everything possible to avoid it.
There, of course, are many details to a birth plan but these are just the big ticket items ;)

I've also started to think about what I would like to do when the baby comes home which could be considered granola. But I'll share that later. As with how I've approached this entire new state of our lives, I'm taking baby steps. If I don't, I'll get overwhelmed and go on strike! And I'm sure the Man and Sticky Bun wouldn't appreciated that. (Fingers crossed that my potential Doula will be in town during my approximate birth time. She'll let me know on Monday.)

What are you really doing?

2009-05-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

I've been holding some things back because I wondered if it was okay that I acted or felt this way. And then I saw this video:

I don't think I've adored Dooce.com more than I do today. Here's the thing. I feel so blessed to be pregnant. I know this is a gift and I'm so thankful that we will be adding to our family. I also lean towards paranoia and am constantly worried every day about Sticky Bun. In fact, right now, I'm actually concerned because I haven't felt her kick and we're now at 20 weeks. The Man swore he felt it the other day but I'm trying not to work myself up because I don't think I've felt her kick.

I beat myself up if I forget to take my prenatal pills because JEEZUS, those pills are to her what spinach is to Popeye! So I take them every day, and the days I've missed could probably be counted on one hand. And that is since October because I heard it was good for the baby to take them even before you try to conceive. See? Spinach to Popeye.

But there are certain things I will not do or have not changed. For instance, I refuse to buy more pregnancy books. I refuse to work myself up on the different ways I can kill myself or my baby. I have one very good book that The Man researched and bought for me. I read it cover to cover when I first learned I was pregnant. I refer to it every once in a while when I have a question or am curious about something. I also read the newsletter Kaiser sends me every week to know the progress of Sticky Bun and I share it with The Man and sometimes my friends. But that's about it. That's not to say I will not stock up on parenting books. I've learned from our pups that we (The Man and I) have to stay educated and figure out how to stay in charge. Especially if we have another one because that means we will not out number them and it's man on man defense!

But back to the pregnancy.

Here are my dirty little secrets. And I bet you I will sound defensive but hey, I'm airing them out. Most of my friends who talk to me on a daily basis know but it's not something I would have shared. But that video made me realize that I'm not alone and by golly, these habits don't necessarily make me a bad mama!

1. I drink iced coffee just about every day. That's right. Caffeinated. I sometimes drink decaf but believe me, there is a bloody difference. I figure that iced coffee is also watered down but the doctor SAID that I can have one cup of coffee a day.
2. My vice is McDonald's sausage biscuit meals. That's right, w/ the hashbrown and the iced coffee I mentioned in #1.
3. I walk 3-5 times a week. I should do more like walk every day. It usually goes towards 5 but since Piko has had her eye problem, we've been staying in. But I'm now doing prenatal yoga so that's one extra activity a week. And I usually feel like walking afterwards.
4. I was doing boot camp until my second trimester. Some people may have thought that was utterly ridiculous if not dangerous. I was just trying to keep up my stamina. I had become a fairly active person prior to becoming pregnant and I didn't want to blow up.
5. I am horrible about eating my veggies. Right now I'm drinking a smoothie that I learned to make that sneaks in spinach because I won't get my veggies in, otherwise. (By the way, it's 1c frozen mango, 1c water, 2 heaping handfuls of spinach and 1 banana. It looks like baby poo but it's delicious!) I'm hoping that once the weather heats up, I'll be more inclined to want my salads again.
6. I eat lunch meat about once a week WITHOUT warming up the meat.
7. I eat sprouts. Kidding. In the pregnancy world, that is basically like taking heroine. Damn things are deadly.

I'm sure I commit other pregnancy sins but those are the only ones I can think of off the top of my head. I'm not proud of them, particularly the breakfast weakness, but dammit, they are good. I've gained about 10 pounds total. I think that's normal but I guess the doc will tell me in a couple of weeks.

I like being pregnant. Granted, I'm not one of those mommies that relish in it and love it to pieces. But I like it. It's been a good one and I'm really excited about the end result - baby in my arms! I could, however, do without the gas, the lack of sleep and my pee coming out in a trickle. But I've embraced pregnancy, I LOVE my baby and I've certainly learned to like maternity clothes. Bless the soul that came up with stretchy waist lines and airy dresses. That's right, I'm working the baby bump ;)

The big 2-0!

2009-05-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

I love the weekly pregnancy e-newsletter I receive from Kaiser. Here are some fun facts about Sticky Bun at 20 weeks, IN. MY. BELLY.

Body is about 8 inches long.
Weight is about 10 ounces.
Lanugo hair covers its entire body.
Eyebrows and lashes appear.
Nails appear on fingers and toes.
Activity increases with increased muscle development.
Heartbeat can be heard with a stethoscope.

Crazy, right? Here are some fun facts about weight gain!

Breast increase: 1 - 3 pounds
Blood increase: 4 1/2 - 5 pounds
Maternal stores: 4 - 8 pounds
Placenta: 1 - 2 pounds
Amniotic fluid: 2 - 3 pounds
Fetus: 7 1/2 - 8 pounds
Uterus increase: 2 - 5 pounds
The recommended amount of weight you should gain throughout your entire pregnancy is about 25 to 35 pounds. This varies, of course, depending upon your pre-pregnancy weight.

Go ahead, you know you want to say it. You're at least thinking it. OK, I'll say it for you. What the ****, man! 5 pounds of blood? 4 pounds of uterus? And what the EFF is a maternal stores? It's a polite way of saying FAT. Isn't the break down of pounds crazy?! I can't wait to show The Man.

STICKY BUN 5.0

2009-05-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

Our baby at 18 weeks (yes, I'm two weeks late on posting it.)

My next step ...

2009-05-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

I've enrolled in prenatal yoga and start this Tuesday. I'm nervous and hope I like it.
I loved Vinyasa yoga and took it for years. Some people may not consider it yoga because it was less about meditation and more about challenging the body in difficult poses. But the intensity (and yes, pain) was like meditation for me because I couldn't think of anything else but trying my best to keep my ass from falling over. But scheduling and a very bad shoulder made it difficult to keep up my practice and then my chiropractor discouraging me finally did me in. She, like me, thought yoga was wonderful but said that there was a clear connection between my shoulder pain and yoga classes. So out went yoga and in came boot camp.
Well, boot camp is now on the back burner because of Sticky Bun (who has a name now, by the way.) The whole "Yippee! It-kicked-my-ass-but-in-a-good-way!" feeling disappeared in my second trimester and was replaced with the "Oh-dear-Jeezus,-please-don't-let-me-throw-up-while-I'm-lunging-with-weights-and-I-cannot-believe-there-is-still-45-minutes-left-of-class/ I'm-really-going-to-vomit" feeling. That actually surprised me because I thought I was going to be in even better shape then my doozie of a first trimester. When I told my doctor that boot camp was getting very difficult, she said she was wondering how long I would last in that class. Nice. She recommended I switch to low impact workouts and low impact boot camp was NOT.
Anyway, back to the prenatal yoga. I'm nervous not because I haven't been doing yoga for a while but, well, this will sound totally cocky so I must apologize in advance. But what I'm worried about is that it will be too easy and I will get bored. When I started taking yoga and tried out different classes, there was such a thing as too easy of a yoga class even though I was a beginner. And really, I stand by that. Maybe "easy" isn't the appropriate word but I just don't want a class that's about breathing through one nostril, out the other, and chanting. I'm okay with the breathing but give me a workout, too, for crying out loud.
I'm taking it through Kaiser so the classes are relatively inexpensive and it's only once a week for six weeks. There is a yoga studio across town that teaches prenatal yoga but I wanted to try Kaiser first because it takes all of two minutes for me to drive there and it's less expensive. We'll see. Across town takes 15-20 minutes (I cannot believe street traffic sometimes) but it's twice a week and because it's at a studio, it may be a little more challenging. But I have plenty of time to figure it out. I've paid for the next six weeks at Kaiser. Hey ... wouldn't it be something if I go to my class on Tuesday and totally get my ass kicked? Like a deserving cocky mother effer? We'll see ... I'm hoping I'm not THAT out of shape!
The Man and I will also be attending a baby preparation class in July. Here is the description: The time for your baby's arrival is drawing near. We'll help you and your partner get ready for the labor and delivery experience. That means being able to recognize the early signs of labor and to know when to call your doctor. We'll discuss what you can expect in the hospital, your options for pain relief during labor and delivery, and how to care for yourself after the baby is born. We encourage you to take this class when you are 28 to 34 weeks pregnant. This class does not take the place of Preparing for Childbirth.
Evidently we will be enrolling in the Preparing for Childbirth class, as well. I'm debating if I should take the breast feeding class because I was told by a couple that the one person who should be taking the class is the one that doesn't - the baby. I'm sure you're thinking, what's the harm in taking another class? These types of learning classes are 2 1/2 - 3 hours long! And as I steadily get bigger, the less excited I am about sitting anywhere for that long period of time unless it's well worth my while. And you bet you're sweet patootie that I'm bringing snacks and water. Maybe even a pillow.