Mama's at a work conference

My job isn't perfect. But it is one of the best jobs I've ever had. They invest in professional development by encouraging us to attend conferences. They also let me stay at the hotel where the conference is held (always nice).

My digs for three days/two nights.

I'm grateful for this and my previous experiences make me an appreciative person. It's also kind of nice to stay at a hotel all by myself!

I'm also extremely grateful for my family because there's no way I could go anywhere overnight without their support. My husband and mom changed their daily schedules around to make up for my absence. I cannot say enough how much I love and appreciate my village.

Of course, I miss my family. I got to talk to The Bun the past two nights. It's the craziest thing because I talk to this girl every day in person. But when I was listening to her talk over the phone, it struck me how adorable she sounded. I loved listening to her talk and could hardly believe this little girl chatting on the phone is my baby.

They're holding hands. He was knocked out and she was just hanging out.

I've enjoyed my little time away. I was able to educate myself about my field and get a little bit of grown up time and alone time. It was nice but I miss my family - my husband who makes me laugh, my beautiful children and my adorable pups.

My son with his super chubby and kissable cheeks AND fauxhawk<3

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Last day of maternity leave

I loved being on maternity leave. These were simple yet beautiful moments in my life that I will treasure. If you know me at all, you know I don't believe in just writing about the good times. Sometimes, during certain hours of a day, I was frustrated and wished I was somewhere else. But it never lasted very long. Even the times when it was/is in the middle of the night, the feelings of frustration didn't last too long. I wish I blogged more just so I could remember (my memory is terrible) but then I wouldn't have been in the moment. I didn't even FaceBook too much just because I would have to stop what I was doing, upload the photo, crop and then caption it. I did it here and there but not as much as I thought I would.

It's not good to love material objects, I know, but I love my iPhone. I was able to easily capture moments. I love that I can upload them to my photo website as well as FB and here (although, again, I have to make more of an effort so it didn't always happen.) Don't get me started on the fact that there is an app for everything. I used it to know when I last fed The Bean as well as which side:) I also used an app to track my exercise because I like checklists and it felt good to see how many times I got my butt outside and walked. But the best part, for me, are the photos.

It feels like I'm starting a new chapter in my life. We had so many firsts recently - The Bean's birth and then The Bun starting TK - her introduction to real school. And now I'm ending my maternity leave and going back to work as a mother of two. It truly feels like a new endeavor.

My eldest is 5 years old. Five! The Bun is growing up so fast. She is so beautiful, fierce and fragile.  She will be the only daughter I will ever have. And then my son, my new(-ish)born ... I can't believe I am 35 years older than him. And that he is my last baby. He is the only son I will ever have. It's surreal to think of 'them or our relationships like that but it's true. Being their mom is the most important, hardest, most thankless and yet, the most very special job I will ever have.

I wanted to include photos I found on my photo stream during my maternity leave that I hadn't included in older posts. All these small and lovely moments over the past four months:

Can you see my tears? One of the most poignant moments in my life was being introduced to my baby as soon as I delivered him.

My babies together. Loved that The Bun was allowed to visit and meet her baby brother the day he was born. She stayed with Papa while Nana & Daddy were with me for labor.

The Man & his mini-man.

This makes me laugh. Truly his Mini!

So small.

The Best big sister ever. She loves him to pieces.

Speaking of sisters, MY sister hooted and hollered when I posted this photo on FB so I had to include it here. She said that they will have to reenact this photo when The Bean turns 21.

Papa, my Dad, is the Baby Whisperer. He has a way with them. (Full disclosure: When the babies do get fussy or, in the Bean's case, hollers, yells and screams, Papa hands the baby off to my mom who has to deal with the the detonated bomb:)

This girl loves stickers and jewels. Craziness ensued when someone gave her jeweled stickers! Love her free spirit and daring style<3

Yet another photo of The Man and his Mini-Man.

I think that my pregnancy was still fresh in her mind. In addition to putting on a Tinkerbell costume just for the fun of it, she put a stuffed animal in her dress (you may be able to see the feet dangling) and completed the look with a phone. To set things straight, I'm hardly ever talking on the phone in front of her. Texting and surfing the 'net - guilty. But I'm not much of a phone person these days.

I didn't take this one. It was a pleasant surprise in my photo stream because I didn't even know The Man took it. But look how beautiful The Bean is here! Why I can't stay frustrated for very long. This face gets me every time. Especially when he breaks out a grin. I turn into a softie.

Flashbacks of my childhood from this photo. Papa taught me how to ride a bike. He was guiding her here ... our yard is more like a yardlette - teeny. Too tiny to learn how to bike. But The Bun still had a good time.

The pups have been good sports. They are having to share the love yet again!:\ Thank goodness they have each other. Pili didn't want to pose for this but, again, she is a good sport.

My friend had twins just a few months before I had The Bean. Here is one of them playing next to him. I hope that he and the twins become best buds.

Our little girl's first school function - Fall Festival! I've felt like a parent pretty much from Day One but I haven't felt like an "Older Parent" until we had a kiddo in school. Drop offs, pick ups, homework, Parent/Teacher conferences - I really feel we've hit a new stage in our parenthood.

Arguably, one of the best photos I took during my maternity leave. This photo was probably one of the most popular ones of the photos I posted on FaceBook. It basically shows the awesomeness of The Bun in her love for The Bean (and how good of a listener she is.) He was hollering in the back and one of us probably said, "Binkie him! Stat!" So she did. And when we arrived at my parents' house, we opened the back passenger doors to discover they were both knocked out. The Bean with his pacifier firmly in place because The Bun made sure to "Binkie him!" Even when she herself passed out, she carried out our request. What a great sis.

We attended a wedding last month that was children-friendly. Then, this month, we attended a wedding for adults only. It was one of the most elegant weddings I've seen. I love going to weddings with The Man and seeing my friends' interpretations of what their very special day looks to them. They're all so different and all very beautiful.

I remember driving to The Bun's school and thinking, "The few parents I see walking their kids to school are nuts! That walk looks hard and must take forever!" Well, I walked The Bun to school four (maybe five? I can't remember! Shocker, right?) because I made up my mind that we were going to wake up early enough so I could do it. Boy, I cut it close a couple of times and learned that I could make a 25 minute walk in 17 minutes. My sister calls it, "the walk that's uphill, both ways." It isn't pleasant but I got a little bored of the other walk I did which is more scenic and is uphill one way. I'm no triathlete so take my viewpoint with a grain of salt but - this walk is an @$$kicker.

I got to volunteer a couple of times in The Bun's classroom when I discovered that I could bring The Bean and, if I wore him, he wouldn't be disruptive. I was so happy when one of the times I could volunteer was when they were celebrating October birthdays. The Bun adored having her mama and baby brother there.

I'm going to miss being on maternity leave. I'm going to miss bonding with my son and watching him rapidly change and learn new things. I'm going to miss being able to walk The Bun to school and volunteering in her class. I know it makes her feel special when I do. I read so many blogs and articles of working moms and stay-at-home moms feel conflicted and feel guilt for one reason or another. It's nothing new and I know that both roles are extremely hard. I wish there was a way we could have it all. But I feel blessed knowing that if I can't be with him all the time, The Bean has my mom and dad. I still have many concerns (my parents are in their golden years so I don't know how long they can take care of my little rascal - he seems like he is destined to be a handful!) but we've got to keep trucking, trying and going about life because it's ALL unknown in one way or another.

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33 weeks.

Oh boy, he's coming very soon:) It's exciting and frightening all at the same time.
Here are this week's photos. I can only upload them through the blogger mobile app so I can't tell which one I picked for Facebook until they're already uploaded. I believe it's the second photo:

Bean, isn't your sister adorable?

<7 weeks to go!

The reduced hours at work help. I try to sleep as soon as I get home so that I'm not a tired mess when it's time for me to pick up The Bun from preschool. Or when she gets home because The Man picked her up from her grandparents. These little naps help so much.
My nights have gotten worse. I used to be able to go right back to sleep when I would wake up but now I stay up for hours. Last night, I took a Benadryl (something I had done before but didn't want to depend on so stopped) and it helped a lot. It's supposed to be perfectly safe for pregnancy so I'm going to start it again. Sleep has also been affected because The Man has had to work a double shirt, going back at night. Since I'm such a light sleeper now, I tend to wake up when he gets home because the pups make such a ruckus. He tries to prevent this by sleeping downstairs and that helps a little. It reminds me of my first pregnancy. The Man didn't work a double shift but his scheduled changed to swing so he would come back very early in the morning. The pups would lose their $hit and everyone would be awake after midnight.
I also have to be careful of my hormones. I'm more emotional and paranoid but I keep it in check by thinking through all my feelings before acting out on them. I think this has saved me just about every day:p I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype of women because off their rocker during their woman time but it's a bit like that. It's like the most hormonal PMS day, every day. But being aware of it helps so I can rationalize my thoughts rather than just act out. Admittedly, the one emotion that's hard to control is anger so it's challenging for me to prevent snapping at someone, especially if it's because I'm snapping back in response of being attacked. Yes, I tend to want to cut a b****.
I'm a worry wart about what matters most to me - my marriage - but The Man is really good at showing me how he loves me through his actions so I focus on that rather than what I perceive as "problems." I also worry about my relationship with The Bun, my parents, as well as worry about my career but, again, I try hard to keep my paranoia in check.
Doctor says I'm tracking perfectly. The Bean's heartbeat is strong and so are his kicks! Have a minor infection but nothing over the counter meds can't fix, said the doctor, so I'm not worried. Again, just excited and nervous;)
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False alarm and exhaustion

I had a little bit of a scare this past weekend. On Saturday night, after a nap, I got out of bed a little too quickly because The Bun was calling me. I felt like a little ol' biddy because as soon as I got up, My side really hurt. I didn't think I could actually hurt myself getting out of bed (I thought I had decades before that would be my reality) but it happened. The pain, while still there, did subside and I was able to fall asleep a couple of hours later.

On Sunday morning, my side was sore but I got up before The Man and The Bun. I attempted to do the laundry but my left side hurt even more. Enough that I had to stop and lie back down. But the pain didn't go away, in fact, lying down made it worse. The Man heard my sounds of discomfort and asked me in a whispered voice if I was OK. I told him that it really hurt to move. He looked concerned and asked if I thought the baby was OK. I decided to call my health plan's advice line rather than tough it out because if the baby wasn't OK, I would feel terrible.

I went into The Bun's room around 7:00 AM and spoke to the advice line nurses. They thought everything was probably fine because the pain was on my side and not my front but because I hadn't felt the baby move since I woke up, it was best I go to Labor & Delivery Triage to make sure I was OK.

I do not have the fondest memories of L&D Triage. It's where I went when my doctor (on my FIRST day of maternity leave w/ The Bun!) told me that I would have to be admitted because I had preeclampsia. The hospital, in general, has been a tough place to go to given my visits in 2012. But when else do you go to the hospital except when you feel crummy? Can't fault them for the bad experiences. I was hoping, though, this wouldn't be another one added to the bunch.

In the end, all was well. Phew. They hooked me up to a machine to monitor The Bean's heart beat which we heard, loud and strong. The nurse chastised me after hearing that I hadn't eaten. I was a bit defense, saying it was 6-7 AM when I called and I wasn't hungry at the time. After I got juice and crackers, I felt regular movement from the Bean. (Duly noted that if I want to kick baby's bum in gear, I have to eat!)

They said that I could take Tylenol but that rest would be the best for my side pain. The doctor suspected I strained a ligament and said that I have to remember to take it easy. She said it could take up to 48 hours to feel back to normal. But after a day of rest, I felt great. Big thanks to The Man and The Bun for giving me that day to stay in bed!

I thought it would be smooth sailing since my first and second trimesters were pretty much cake. But once I hit the 30 week mark, I really slowed down. I'm tired all the time and feel a lot bigger (I've maybe gained a pound in the past two weeks.) On my last appointment, my doctor said my test results were normal and suggested I take more iron. She also said that, if possible, I should try to go on leave earlier than I intended. She suggests at the end of June rather than mid-July. I have to talk to HR because I'm not sure if that affects my benefits. See, my one year anniversary is July 15th and to qualify for full maternity benefits, I have to be at my job for a year:/

I hope I qualify because I am exhausted. I finally told my boss because it was really getting to me. I admit I was a little afraid to say something but it helped that there was another pregnant person in my department who altered her schedule mid-way through her second trimester. I asked to do the same but I'm well in my third. My boss said I could work up until 3 PM (instead of 5 PM) and work from home one day a week. I hope this helps.

Other than that, I cant really complain. I feel very fortunate to have an all-around good pregnancy and pray every day that I'll be blessed enough to have a good labor and delivery, too.

31 Weeks.

Dear Bean and Bun,

Today I was able to take a break from work and go on a walk (yay!) like a good pregnant mama. Even though this song is relatively new, it reminded me of my college days - We are Young by F.U.N. It makes me think of songs like Closing Time by Semisonic (that's definitely more my era):
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

This song reminds me of college because it talks about how we are going to take the world by storm. There is a time in your life where you will feel like the world is your oyster and you can and will accomplish anything! My babies, you probably wonder why I'm even bringing this up. When you are old enough to read this, or better yet, understand where I'm coming from, you will see me simply as "mom". You won't think I was ever cool enough to go out bar-hopping, flirt with guys or basically capable of having any fun. It will hurt, but I get it. I still question if your Nana ever had the kind of fun that I would consider my kind of fun.
I decided to write to you guys instead of my normal writing to no one in particular because as I was walking my two miles and listening to this song, I thought, "Man, my life is different." Keep in mind that I was walking pretty slow and it felt like my uterus was going to drop out from under me at any moment. No, babies, I don't blame you at all. I feel absolutely blessed to be pregnant with you, Bean. The discomfort just comes along with the territory.
Anyway, I was listening to the song and rubbing my sore belly thinking about how different my life was 12 years ago. I reminisced how much smaller my body was and how I wish I appreciated it more. I thought about how my belly (while never hard) was taut, my figure was cute and why didn't I work it more? I was self-conscious about how it was more soft than muscular but I shouldn't have cared! I also thought about how I had a lot less worries because my world was smaller. I didn't have a mortgage, big bills or other lives to think about. Your papa and nana were strong and healthy so all this enabled me to be self-centered and concentrate on things like graduating, boys, friends, going out, and getting my first real job.
Babies, I admit, I do miss that body I had. Just because it was so small! A size 4, thank-you-very-much! But everything else ... see, babies, if I could have that life all over again over what I have now, I wouldn't. Because while I have such fond memories, I wouldn't have grown as a person. There is something to be said about youth. Being young is lovely! But I'm also so very happy now. There were parts to my early 20s I certainly don't miss. I hated dating! I was terrible at it. I feel so blessed that I met your daddy when I was just 22-going-on-23 years old. Not everyone gets to meet their soul mate so early in life. Some are blessed to meet their life partners at a younger age. But I believe God introduced me to your Dad when he did because I needed  a few hard life lessons to appreciate a good man when one was finally introduced to me. Otherwise, I might have taken him for granted.
I also appreciate you grandparents more because of you two. I regret to write that even now, I think I take Nana & Papa for granted at times but I try very hard to always appreciate them. That's what happens when you have fantastic parents - that level of awesomeness becomes an expectation. Well, when you, The Bun, came into my life, I realized just how selfless and giving my parents were and are to me. They were and are always, always there for me. I had no doubt that when I needed them, I could count on them. I thought that's how everyone's parents are but, sadly, this isn't the case. I never, ever needed for anything. They always provided.

Thirteen years ago, I thought I wanted to go into broadcast journalism. In fact, that’s what I was studying when I met your dad. Fast forward to now, I work for a Catholic college preparatory school and currently have 10 years of non-profit work under my belt. What?! Back then, I had no interest, whatsoever, in mission-based work. Yet here I am. And I love it. I tried going back into for-profit briefly but it wasn’t for me. My career has had many twists and turns but I am very happy where I am now. Who would’ve thought? Certainly not me but I am absolutely content.

What I’m trying to say is that I think back to my youth fondly. And maybe you will find me reminiscing when I’m elbow-deep in poop, tears and/or dirty laundry about my good old days. I will also always wish and strive for the body I had in my early 20s. But, and this is the most important and biggest “but”, know that you two, Daddy, the pups, Nana & Papa and our wonderful family and friends make up what I believe are the best days of my life. I feel absolutely blessed to have as lovely of a little girl as you, Bun. You are so amazing to me because you are just filled with love, goodness, sass and good humor. Bean, we’re excited to get to know you! But for right now, I feel so blessed to be able to carry you because I didn’t think I could have a baby again.

You both are miraculous. And, even when I’m irritable or upset, never doubt that you are loved. Utterly and completely. 

Bean, your big sister is so excited for you to join our family.

I hope you two will be lovey dovey and each other's best friend.

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I left my 20-something year old heart in San Francisco

I've been sitting on this post for two weeks now. My only excuse is this: I was on break for a week and a half. I came back to work for a day and then attended a three-day work conference.
I'm still not completely caught up at work.
But I was very thankful to be sent to this conference. My last company was so strict with funds. They ran a very tight ship. Extremely tight. I had to plead my case for quite a few career development workshops I attended and paid for my own career-related business membership while at my old organization. I admit, it was often times frustrating but I understand. The organization comprised of mainly fundraisers so what they did for one, they would have to do for all. They offered internal online classes as a alternative but it just wasn't the same. Now I work for an organization and boss who find and present learning opportunities to me. And there's a budget for this, for career development. I love it. I'm a perpetual learner and would be a student for life if someone paid me to do it. (Alas, it is not a legit gig.)
What was also wonderful about attending this conference is my work also OK-ed me staying at the hotel where it was being held. The hotel was not cheap so it was awesome to enjoy a nice hotel in the financial district. Frankly, I dreaded the thought of getting up extremely earlier to drop off The Bun at preschool and then fight my way through the Bay Area morning commute and city traffic.
Because I had no commute and The Bean has me waking up early no matter where I sleep, I decided to take advantage of the opportunity and walk as the city was waking up:

Ferry Building.
(Not sure if it's just my computer but the photos are A LOT clearer if you click on them to view on full-screen.)

Walking along the Embarcadero.

My favorite bridge in the Bay Area because it holds so many memories.
Well, the island attached to it, to be exact.

The sun lighting up more of the Embarcadero.

I never grow tired of this bridge. I only wished I had caught the light installation.

Under the Bay Bridge. They are engineering marvels if you think about it, aren't they?

My attempts at panoramic. I just have no patience for it.

Forgive the excessive bridge photos. The sunrise was just so impressive and breathtaking in person.

My lovely yet overpriced room. Big thanks and a shout out to the J-O-B!

My second and last morning traipsing about the city. 

I liked the same path I took the morning before so I just did it again. That and it felt safe.

The other side of the Ferry Building. If the picture is too blurry, it reads, "Port of San Francisco". Or you can click on it to see it clearly in full-screen.

I know, I've got to get over this bridge! Well, I also liked how pristine the Embarcadero looked with its fanciful palm trees.

Another lovely sunrise.

In addition to needing my j-o-b's support, I also needed The Man's. He has to be at work by 7 AM so I arranged for The Bun to go to her former day care provider a little before 6 AM for two of these days. The Man didn't balk at all and got up super early to prepare himself and The Bun to get out the door by 5:15 AM. I'm very thankful to him for knowing how important going to this conference was to me and just making it work.

I try to not take things for granted. I know some people probably think, "What's the big deal? It was just a stupid work conference." But for me, it was so much more. It was my employer showing me just how important they think I am to the organization by investing in educating me. It was the educational benefit - I was surrounded by peers from universities who have triple to ten times the budget my little department of one has as well as college prep schools like mine who had much more established engagement and fundraising programs. It was an amazing learning experience! It was also my partner in life willing to be inconvenienced for a couple of mornings so that I could sleep in the city and not have to commute for three days in a row. It was having the opportunity to reunite with my old stomping grounds - a city where I used to go to go to school, live and work. It was all of this.

I could see San Francisco from the hills where I grew up. It seemed so exciting and metropolitan in comparison to the urban suburbs. SF was merely 45 minutes away from Hayward but it was a different world. A much more exciting and sophisticated world! I swore I would live there one day.
In my late teens and early 20s, I did. I attended university, had internships, lived and worked there. Even when I moved back to parents', I commuted to the city for my master's degree, more internships and jobs. I figured I would move back once I found a job. 

But then I fell in love with a boy who lived in the opposite end of the Bay Area. Literally. He lived 20 minutes away from the Gilroy outlets (if you live in the Bay Area, you know exactly what I mean.) I eventually grew to appreciate my side of the bay - in all honesty, because of convenience more than anything else!  I certainly loved it more than his section because I just never learned to enjoy it. No offense to South Bay lovers but, to me, it was really hot and had congested freeways. After graduation, I found a job on the Peninsula, and then the following job was based in the East Bay. With all of these factors, San Francisco just wasn't in the cards for me anymore. 

San Francisco represents quite a bit to me - a huge chapter in my life. When you live so close, there really isn't a good reason to spend the money to stay in the city.This is why it was so wonderful to be in a hotel for a few days as well as catch up with my friends during my conference breaks (I had three SF friends come out to see me for lunch and dinners and it was great!) My every day life keeps me so busy that it's hard to go anywhere other than work and home.  It was so nice catching up with old friends. And then it was nice to go home.

As lovely as my memories are of San Francisco, now I live in the 'burbs. I mean truly, it's a town. Despite not having any good restaurants in my town, I adore it. It's good for my family and close to my parents. My commute is now less than 20 minutes to my great job. I'm very happy. It's where I belong.

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