Scared

The Man and I know we want another child. We both know that having a sibling is an amazing experience and if we're able to give that to the Bun, we should. And our deadline of when we want to start trying again is fast approaching.  The Man is good to go but I've got a bunch of nerves.
What I'm scare of :
Failing as a mom - I'm scared that my patience is not infinite and that I will turn into the person that snaps at her husband and/or kids. I don't ever want to be that woman. I'd like to believe I'm pretty simple in my needs and one of them is having downtime. The other is sleep. Those two factors make a drastic difference in my attitude and both are practically non existent when one is a new mom.
Strain on my marriage - Maybe we won't snap at our kids. But I've seen couples become less lovey dovey because it takes effort. Or they're just downright mean to each other. I will admit, there are times when The Man and I are short with each other or have gotten into fights that really weren't necessary. We get more sleep now because The Bun sleeps through the night but it was rough when we were lacking rest.
Money - We're not rich. Having another baby scares the bajeezus after me because our budget is just so. Any additions are going to cause us to move from comfortable to tight. At the very least.
Body - Oh boy, it took nearly two years for me to lose the baby weight. And while my body is not the same shape, I'm overjoyed I was able to do it. But I'm still 8 lbs from goal weight which is the weight I was for most of my 20s. My weightloss has been very challenging. Every pound makes a difference on my 5'1" frame. I've written this before but I believe in the whole theory of bodies having "fat memory" and the longer I hold onto this weight, the more my body believes this is my normal weight and the harder it is to get these pounds off. Having another baby will not make this easier.
Career - I used to be able to easily work late or on the weekends. I used to have no problem taking on additional work that took additional time. I could easily volunteer for things or make time to get my work done. Now it is very difficult to work after hours and, if I can swing it, it takes a bit of planning. Even with a strong support system consisting of my husband, parents and Ava's day care! How crazy will it be with another baby? Stupid crazy. How will I be able to excel in my career if I'm going to spread myself even thinner?!
Time - There already seems to not be enough of it. 
These are just a few of the worries that I can recall. And for each "objections", I've either heard the rebuttle or have said it myself. Note that it does NOT help when people tell me women have been doing this since the beginning of time. But what does help me is to draw upon the examples and experiences of those around me. I see my family and friends sucessfully balance this crazy juggling that most mothers do.
Also, when it comes down to it, I try to always remember the adage, be in the moment. I don't want to waste any time fretting about what I want but don't have or what could be but isn't. It's hard because I'm a planner. And a worrier. I want to make sure I do everything to be sucessful. And, if I'm not sure, it seems like a big risk. I've discovered that when it comes to things like this, sometimes you have to just do it. And that scares the $*#% of me because I don't want anything to blow up in my face. The unknown, the things I have no control over, is so scary to me.
But I was scared to have The Bun. And the joy she has brought to our lives, the appreciation she has instilled in me ... all the stress and worry is worth it. She has made me a more giving, loving, and over all better person. Along with my husband and parents by showing me what LOVE looks like. And they all really have done that! Plus, she is growing up to be an awesome kid! (Another worry - how will I ever be blessed to have another baby as awesome as her? It's not possible! See? Worry, worry, worry.)
Yup, I'm still scared. Dare I say, scared $%^#less. It's true. I'm scared to fail, I'm scared to wreck the current wonderful life I have, I'm scared of so many things. But there is something inside of me that says that if we are able to have another child, we should do it.  Believe me, I can have a conversation all by myself that goes around and around indefinitely and even though I've pretty much talked myself out of it, what it comes down to it is being scared of the unknown. And that's no way to live. I would have never fallen in love w/ The Man. I would have never chosen my career. I would have never left my home.
So we're going to just do it. Or, at least, try. (Not yet, though, so no emails please!!!!) Call me bat$%^# crazy but that's the plan. Well, don't call me bat$%^# crazy but I would understand why you would think it.

Great, when I finally have a minute to write, I forget all the ideas that come to my head while driving.

Story of my life. I think of incredibly thought-provoking (or so I believe at the time) subjects and when I am finally in front of a computer and finally have a few minutes to jot them down, I can't think of a single one. Serious!
Well, we had a great time in Hawaii for The Bun's 2nd Birthday. All but the ending was fantastic. I wrote THREE PAGES, single typed to Hawaiian Airlines, regarding our return flight so why soil my little blog with anger and frustration?
I was right to assume it would not be relaxing. We also didn't explore like we normally would. But do I wish it had been anything different? Nope! Our little Bun had such a great time! She loved the beach. Loved, loved, loved it! Unfortunately, her mama and daddy didn't realize that the waves were a lot calmer just a few yards away. So while Bun loved it, she was also fighting for her life every time a wave came. Or so it seemed! She slept hard at night so I know she was working hard during the day:)
She also loved that we had adjoining rooms with her grandparents. LOVED it. What's funny is I forgot how much I, myself, loved it as a kid! She got a real kick out of being able to walk back and forth and visit with everyone. It was nice because it gave us a little relief to not have to watch her like a hawk all the time. And at night, bless my parents, they watched her while we walked around Waikiki. It was only for an hour or so at night but to have that little break each night was really nice. Just one of the many gifts my parents gave us.
I know she's wee little but I hope she remembers this because it was such a special vacation.

Why are sunsets so much prettier in Hawaii? Someone tell me the science behind this!

Our first evening and we just had to show her the water! Too bad it was already getting chilly.

I really wanted to take family portraits with the photographer from our wedding. I'm sentimental like that.



How beautiful is this? She loves her Nana & Papa.



It was hard to get good photos of her because she had little sleep compared to her normal 12 hours:(

She wanted to be done and be in the water already. Couldn't really blame her!

"What's up? Aren't we done yet?"

Had to get a few couple photos. Love him so much.

Can't believe she won't be this small forever.

So happy we were finally doing something she wanted to do! :)

The best we could do with The Pout!

See this right here? This is pure JOY.

Baby's 1st Luau :)

She was getting so much attention. I'm bias but she was pretty darn cute!

The Bun in her Super Suit (Daddy was concerned for her skin because while she is a brown baby, he didn't want to risk any burn! So she wore a hat, full length suit and water shoes:) w/ her studly Daddy.

Can't believe how fast it flew. Normally, 5 days in Hawaii just isn't enough for me. With all the money spent and the time it takes to travel, I like at least 7 days. But with The Bun and my folks with their physical limitations, 5 days was perfect. Plus, all the added costs like puppy boarding and The Man's non-paid Time Off, I totally get why people tend to stay home when they have families! Unfortunately, because our trip ended on a sour note, all of us were more than happy to be home and beyond exhaustion. Literally - we had been up for over 24 hours! But the upside is that we appreciate HOME and were happy to be back.
It was a lovely vacation in a beautiful location with The Bun absolutely surrounded by love. If I focus on that, there really isn't more that I could ask for.

Almost Two

Dear Bun,

You are one week away from being a whole TWO YEARS OLD. Like everyone has said at one time, "Where does the time go?"
Today I bought you a hairbrush. It wasn't just any ol' kiddie hairbrush. It was for an adult. Because the baby combs and brushes we have for you just don't cut it anymore. In fact, you and I have been sharing a hairbrush for a month now because you just have that much hair! (You can thank me and your daddy later for that.)
You are walking, you are talking and the world is your oyster. I knew it would be fun seeing the world in your eyes. And it is. But I think it's even more fun watching you discover the world. Your sheer joy is intoxicating and addicting. I just want to see you happy over and over again. Icky sweet? Maybe. But I don't care.
I can't wait to take you to one of my favorite places in the whole wide world. I know it's going to be one of your favorites too because you like the beach! By the way, Baby, later on you will see that not all beaches are the same and that there are some that are way better than others. And I'm taking you to one of the best. At least, in my limited knowledge but I have it on good authority that it really is;)
It's funny, a co-worker asked me if I was excited to go on vacation because I'll be able to relax.
Baby, I love you but there is no relaxing vacation with you. And that's OK! I explained to my colleague that it's different now that I have a baby. Vacations aren't relaxing anymore but the trade off is getting to see everything through your eyes. And sure, relaxation is a wonderful thing (your mama loves her some sleep), I know that these days aren't forever. I know that, one day, you will be more independent. And then, one day, going on vacation with your parents isn't going to be your #1 choice. (Thinking about that makes me wonder how many times I broke your grandparents' hearts:( You remember that, Bun.) So despite the fact that vacations are no longer about R & R, I'm excited to go. I'm excited to be with you, your Daddy, Nana and Papa and being with so many people I love in one place. Sure, I fully expect your Nana and Papa to drive me nuts with their shenanigans. But without you even knowing it, you have taught me to treasure every moment in life because it all goes by so very fast.
Happy almost birthday, my big girl.

I love you,
Mama

So Shutterfly will give me $10 off my next purchase if I post this ...

Very Merry Montage Christmas Card

Click here to browse our Christmas card designs.

View the entire collection of cards.

So of course I did! Got a jump start on Christmas cards (only because of another fantastic promotion Shutterfly offered ... I really should be making money off of these plugs). We will have another version since we are taking holiday photos but thought I'd play around with the photos we have so far.

At pre-pregnancy weight. Boo-yah.

There are some ladies who can lose all the pregnancy weight they gained within a matter of weeks. In fact, there was one mama in my Mommy & Baby group who was in skinny jeans within the first month. I was NOT one of those ladies. I gained a total of 30 lbs. Oh, I know I was lucky. "Thirty pounds?!" some friends exclaimed. "That's nothing! I gained [enter a much larger #] pounds!" Yes, yes. I know that it could have been worse for me. But here was the problem. The first 20 lbs melted off like butter (thanks, Baby Blues!) but the last 10 were amazingly sticky. Then it became 10-15 lbs that stuck around. That might not seem much but it's roughly three dress sizes on my 5'1" frame. Over a year and a half later, I was still struggling w/ those 10-15 lbs. I don't know much about weight loss (obviously) or the complex workings of the human body. What I do know, and what I've even read somewhere to confirm my beliefs, is that your body has a memory. Just like muscle memory but FAT MEMORY. Sure at my skinniest I was 20 lbs lighter than my weight right now. But my body hasn't seen that number since I was 17 years old and very briefly when I was 25. I know it isn't realistic of me to shoot for that number because my body just hasn't really been at that number for a looooong period of time. But my body has been at what I've chosen as my goal weight for many years in my early and late 20s. It has been quite some time, as well, but I believe it's achievable. And I'm just now 10 lbs to it. What's changed? Several factors, I believe. I've always known what I needed to eat in order to lose weight but I wasn't willing to give it up. I loved bread, pasta and sweets. Mmmm, carbs. I knew I should cut back but it seemed like too big of a sacrifice. And when I cut back a little and didn't see results, I said "Eff it". After posting for a second or third time about my weight loss effort on Facebook, a friend messaged me and politely (without any pressure!) recommended a book that helped her lose 22 lbs. When she told me it didn't require her to do much cooking and she was still able to stick w/ it, the 22 lbs was enough testimonial for me! The other factor that helped quite a bit was that The Man was (and still is) training for a race. It's a pretty rigorous one and he decided to take his training uber-seriously. In addition to working out six days a week, he also cut out a lot of carbs in his diet. While we are not on the same diet plan, not having temptations in the house helped A LOT. I am weak. I love tasty food. But if it's not in the house and accessible, it's a lot easier for me to not eat it. Also, quite frankly, the peer pressure of having someone else in the house trying to lose weight and get in shape is a great motivation for me. We stock up the house w/ lots of protein and I have found a couple of items that help me w/ my sweet tooth. While I do not join him in his workouts every day, I do them about twice a week w/ him as well as my own light exercises. Side note: If you ever done the workout DVDs, "Insanity" or "P90X", you know that those are no joke. So I feel very content w/ my 2x a week with him! Yes, I stumble and cheat on my diet. I'm sure if I stuck to it 100%, I'd lose weight a little faster. But I'm really proud of myself because I HAVE stuck to it most of the time and am seeing results. I don't know my exact starting weight because I was doing my own thing prior to this diet but I've lost about 10 lbs. I realize that it is typical woman of me to fret about weight. But you know what? It IS a big deal to me and it does affect how I feel. It means a lot to me to get to my goal weight because I'm putting forth effort. And I really want to succeed. So I'm going to chip away at this and lose these last 10 lbs! Wish me luck.

What will I tell The Bun?

It has been over two years but the navel ring is back on.
Oh, that navel ring.
A little history on this piece of jewelry. And, of course, a little history on me.

In the Fall of 1996, I was in the process of my very first heart break. Not even with a boyfriend! A mere prom date. But I was unexperienced, a late bloomer, if you will. I had only experienced crushes from afar and had only one boyfriend for three weeks! So no, I had never had a real boyfriend :p Anyway, there was a perfect storm brewing. It was my first year in college, I just experienced my heart being crushed and I was 17-going-on-18. Oh dear lor', I have to toot my own horn for a second and just commend my younger self for not getting into heaps of trouble. Although, if I could do it all over again or somehow mentor my young self, I would encourage her to get into a wee bit of trouble and live a little. Because you're only 18 once ;)

I will also point out that in 1996, this was a good TWO years before the Britneys and Christinas. So, YAH, I had a belly button ring when it was still cool and an emerging trend. (I will not go so far as to say I was a trend setter because I was cautious enough to make sure I knew a few people who had them and didn't die of gangrene. Or ended up with some crazy growth.) But they certainly weren't as common as they are now when just about every 16 year old seems to get one as a rite of passage.

It's been a very long time so I can't recall every detail. I do know, however, that within two weeks of my 18th birthday, I wanted a navel ring. Here's the thing. I wanted something. I really wanted a tattoo but there was no design that I was passionate enough about to have on my body forever. I had already chopped off a foot of my hair earlier that fall (because of the heart ache) but I wanted to do something drastic. So I did. Remember, it wasn't as common as it it now!

I'm sure I asked someone to go with me but I don't remember if it was my boyfriend at the time (kind of a rebound situation because, remember, I was still getting over being heart broken) or a friend. I do remember, though, that it was some place in my hometown.

Big mistake, kids. Go to reputable cities that have lots of young adult angst residing or going to school there! Like Berkeley or San Francisco. *Sigh* Anyway, I'm sure it was also because they didn't tell me how to take care of it properly but it ended up getting infected. Nothing gross but it was so tender that I got fed up and took it out myself. Not sure how long I had the belly button ring but it was long enough for me to know that jeans were my enemy and to leave a small dark scar.

Well, a little over a year later, I have another break up, this time with a real boyfriend. And a result of me not treating my rebound boyfriend very nicely. So I went through the tragic feelings all over again, this time feeling like an a-hole on top of an aching heart because I definitely had been a contributing factor to the break up. And the only good thing that comes from my breaks up is that I lose weight. While I've never had a defined stomach, it was flat again because of the most recent break up. So I decide that with my sorority lil sis, I was going to try again. This time at a place in Berkeley that had been recommended by others.

I even remember the name. Zebra. How could you forget a huge plastic Zebra suspended above the entrance?



Yes, this place probably was probably playing Alanis Morisette or Offspring or Green Day. Something deliciously 90s. It was the kind of place that did all types of piercings, tattoos, and sold tobacco (sure, tobacco) paraphernalia. The kind in which all the employees wore black, girls and boys alike wore blue or black nail polish and just about everyone was outfitted in combat boots. Can I just mention that I MISS these kind of places? I'm far from a yuppie, because I tend to think of yuppies as preppy individuals with money. But my one-baby-two-pups butt probably wouldn't be welcomed into places like this anymore. I smack too much of wholesomeness.

I remember being in a dentist-like chair and the hip young adult, probably not even five years older than my 18 year old self, told me to pick out a soda from the portable fridge in the corner. She (or was it a he? it's been such a long time) instructed me to put it over my navel to kind of numb the area. Then she told me to remove it so she can sterilize the area. I couldn't even look at the needle, I just know my friend's eyes got real big when she saw it. I closed my eyes and gripped her hand. The woman said, "On the count of three. One, two," and stab. She then said something to the effect of, "It's better if you don't know it's coming. After I put the ring in, put the soda can on top to help prevent swelling."

As I recall this experience, I'm thinking of how dumb it was to entrust my body to someone not that much older who may or may not have had a lot knowledge on piercing. But you know what? This time (unlike employee of hole-in-the-wall in my hometown that has since closed) it seemed like she really knew what she was doing. She instructed me on how to take care of it, telling me to buy Epson Salt and soak my belly button every day to ensure it healed properly and didn't get infected. Sure enough, it healed beautifully. And I went through my rite of passage.

My weight has greatly fluxuated since then. Yet through the ups and downs, I kept it in. I liked it! Even if no one else saw it. And no one else really did since I was self conscious of my stomach. Even when it was flat, it wasn't toned so I wasn't into half shirts or anything. The only time my navel ring made a public appearance was when I was at the beach.

Well, I took out my navel ring when I was in my second trimester for obvious reasons. And I hadn't seriously thought about putting it back in. Until this morning. I figured that the hole hadn't closed since I had been wearing a navel ring for 12 years.The primary reason why my navel ring saw the light of day again is because I'm a little over two pounds to my prebaby weight. And about 10 pounds away from goal weight. (I'm 15 pounds away from when I originally got the piercing but I don't think of that as my true weight since I only see that number when I'm going through a break up or highly stressed.)

I decided today was going to be the day I would put it back on. And boy did it bring a flood of memories! Obviously. I mean, I'm writing this, aren't I? Call it a near mid-life crisis. This little piece of jewelry reminds me of my younger days. It reminds me of college and the young me who was so insecure and yet trying to politely rebel;) It reminds me of how conservative I was and that it was my way of being a little bad. I had no idea I missed it. And maybe I didn't. But it sure is fun having it back.

I just don't know what I'm going to tell The Bun when she gets around to asking about it. Because I sure as hell don't want her to think she needs to get one at any tender age before 21!

Push present

"A push present (also known as a "push gift" or "baby bauble") is a present a new parent gives a new mother when she gives birth to their child. In practice the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room."
- Wikipedia  
Because it's the most reliable source for information. Umm, that's sarcasm.

 You best believe I told The Man all about push presents when I found out I was pregnant!;) After months of telling me the idea of a push present was nonsense, he asked me what I wanted towards the end of my pregnancy. Most women want jewelry. I thought, Do I want something from Tiffany's? Do I want something with diamonds? And then I knew exactly what I wanted.
LASIK.
See, I had wanted to have the procedure in my early 20s. When I was in grad school, I went to a LASIK center and was deemed a good candidate for the procedure. I even had an appointment for the surgery. Then, to be sure, I also saw an optometrist  at my university's health center. and she said, while I was a good candidate, she suspected my eyes would change and strongly recommended I wait until I was in my 30s.
After I gave birth, The Man told me to do the research and I could have my push present. It was perfect timing because I was still on maternity leave! No need to take time off and my mom could watch The Bun while I went on appointments. So I did the research and found a good LASIK center. I was interviewed by their technician, seen by an optometrist and then the ophthalmologist who would be performing the surgery. And again was told I was a good candidate. Then they realized I was still breast feeding. I was informed that breast feeding can change a woman's vision and they recommended I wait at least six months after I stop breast feeding to consider LASIK.
Drat! Foiled again.
Today is the day I finally get LASIK. This has been a looooong time coming. I have been wearing glasses since the 5th grade. I am excited. And nervous. The idea of my eyes being cut open (to an extent), makes me scared. But, I figured, if I can have a cesarean section, I can do this!

Happy Father's Day

While there is no doubt I am a Daddy's girl, the only reason there wasn't a huge photo of my mom and The Bun for Mother's Day is because my parents were in the Philippines during that time. (As a mama, I have to say that there needs to be equal showering of love to both parents IF NOT MORE to the mama because she did do the carrying and the laboring when all is said and done. PLUS she dealt w/ the repercussions of having her body stretched to its limit. I'm just saying. And yes, maybe it's a touchy subject now. But it's true! I digress.)

Today is Father's Day. So let's here it for the boys! Let's give the boys a hand. Let's hear it for my baby ... I forget the rest of the song but you get what I'm trying to say. Below is a divine photo my husband took so he could create this very cool image:

We asked my Dad to wear something similar. We dressed The Bun in whatever she had closest to my outfit. And The Man took the photo in the same spot. Isn't it amazing how 30ish years (we aren't sure the exact date of when the first photo was taken) can just fly by? Yet here my Dad is, still winning the hearts of his little girls.

My father is awesome. My mom told me he stayed home after being honorably discharged from the Navy to raise me the first couple years of my life. He's always taken care of me, worried if I was eating enough and told me once when I hated my (not present) job a long time ago, "You will never be homeless or have nothing to eat. You don't have to work there if you don't like it. We'll make sure you're OK." He told me this sometime in my early 20s. He wanted me to make sure that I knew I was taken care of. Always. And I have never felt anything but love and care from them. My parents made sure that I knew I always had some place to go and that they would love me unconditionally. (But nagging or a good ass kicking was always an option.) I know that I am a lucky, lucky gal.

And here is a photo of both my guys:

Ah, this man. The man I nicknamed The Man (as I mentioned on FB, mostly because he is bad ass and a little bit because he pretends to oppress me) is a GOOD man and father. He believes marriage and parenthood are a partnership and he rises to the occasion.  He tries his best and that's all I could ever ask or hope. Our baby is a 100% Daddy's girl. Can I blame her? He is wonderful.

And because I'm the owner, I'm putting in the mamas:

Kissing a sleepy baby girl

Her expression kills me in this one!

I had a great day. I feel blessed that I was able to spend Father's Day w/ my parents and my own little family. We didn't do anything grandiose, we just went to a nice restaurant and had a good brunch. And with a nearly 2 year old girl, that is A LOT and I am tired. But I'm also filled with love. Happy Father's Day!

Weird, and I knew it even as it was coming out of my mouth

I went out to lunch with a few women from work the other day. Out of the five of us, four have children. And of the four, I was the only one with just one child.
As you know, I've made no attempts to hide my fear. I fear the physical part, the emotional part, the financial part - basically labor and everything after that. Yet here I am, tempted to have another. It's CRAZY TALK, I tell ya!
But here's the thing, the other women were saying that I should go for it. Even after the stories of how bonkers their kids drove them, the complete absence of sleep, and just the sheer exhaustion of it all, they all said I should have one more.
It's hard to explain but I came close to it when I saw the one gal without children, wide-eyed in disbelief. (She is getting married next week. We seem to be painting a crazy picture for her of what the next phase in her life will be.) I told her something along the lines of, "Having kids sounds nuts, doesn't it? I mean, most of the time I look forward to Mondays now because at least I get PAID to do that job!
Weekends aren't like how they used to be before children. They are exhausting. And sometimes hard. But here's the thing. If my husband and I still had all that free time to fart around like we did a few years ago, I think we would be longing for a baby. I would be wishing to have the life I lead now. Don't misunderstand, I love my free time. And I definitely NEED my free time - it's sometimes really hard without it. But we were ready and, quite frankly, it's not like our lives were awesome before the baby and now it sucks. It's just different and, more often than not, in a good way. We love her so much."
I don't know how clear I was for her. It may have still sounded nuts. But it's true. I wish for the free time I had before the baby. The freedom I had with my time and, for the most part, I owned my time. But was I doing anything that great or important with it? No. It was just nice to set the pace of my day or choose to spend it how I see fit. And when things are crazy at work or every so often I wish I could go with my friend to that impromptu outing, those instances are few and far between.
I guess what I'm saying is that the good often outweighs the bad. Sure, there are times when it's hard as hell. When I'm sick, the baby is sick, hubby is sick or pups are sick. When there is a hiccup in daycare or if we have to travel. [Side note: Vacations used to be relaxing but are now what I refer to ask work trips. Yah, admittedly, I do miss those kind of vacations. ] But most days, they are pretty good.
To sum it all up, I ask myself this question. (And if another mama were to answer it differently, I wouldn't judge. I would just be sad for her because, well, any regrets suck.) I ask myself, "Knowing everything I know, would I have chosen to be a childless couple? Or would I  have wanted to wait a little longer before having one?" and the resounding answer is NO. Nothing in my life before her would have been more fulfilling had I waited or decided not to have a baby. Our family is better because of her. I'm better because of her. Is it hard as hell? HELL yah but I would do it all over again, for sure. Um, except skipping all the nonsense I went through and just scheduled a C-section. That I would have certainly done over.
"So," you may be asking yourself, "does this mean you're off the pill and ready to start trying?" Um, no. But after all those many entries of how hard it is to be a mama, I surprise even myself by the fact that I would like to sometime soon.

Bound to happen

I think I knew it was eventually going to happen. I have been sensitive about it my ENTIRE life. Since I'm the heaviest I've ever been (excluding pregnancy,) even though this is also the most content I've ever been, it was bound to happen. It just took someone I considered very important to say it AKA hurt my feelings.
Is it reasonable? No. I know these feelings are very unreasonable. I mean, I know I need to lose weight. I'm 10 lbs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight and 20 lbs heavier than what was my average weight in my 20s. On a 5'1" frame, this is a lot. It the difference of 2-4 dress sizes.
Knowing all this, it still hurt a lot when someone said that I should try exercise DVDs. We weren't even discussing MY weight. I wasn't bitching about it at that time or anything. But we had just gone to a party in which all the women were thin. No joke. They were all a few years older, had multiple children yet about my height and far thinner than I.
Oh, don't think I didn't notice. And evidently, so did this other person. While we never brought that particular point up, I imagine that's what got our conversation there on me.
Do I think this person was unintentionally rude? Yes. But this person has no idea that my feelings got hurt. And I don't think I'm entirely in the right because while it was rude, it's not like I haven't said I wanted to lose weight.  I do want and need to lose weight. I know this. And it's true.
It just hurts when someone else mentions it first.

Baby, I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time ...

Those lyrics always confused me but it seems appropriate when describing my infrequency on Blogger. I know I'm constantly apologizing for the lag between entries and, in turn, bashing the allure and ease of FaceBook because that's what I update regularly.
My dear Blogger, you are like the beautiful wife that is wonderful but high maintenance. And FB is just that $20 hooker on the corner of Mission and King who easily fulfills my needs. (Aren't those always sketchy streets, no matter the city?) Yes, that's it. Blogger is my Elizabeth Hurley while FB is the funky lady Hugh Grant picked up to do a certain job which made us all shake our heads because, helloooo?! He had Elizabeth Hurley at home! (Not really, FB. You are more of a catch than that chick.) But you get what I'm trying to say.
Anyway.
I am much better at posting photos of The Bun on FB. But I'm trying to remember to post them here, too. Because this place, this is my special ode to my family, my quirky thoughts, and my simple yet lovely life. So here are some photos of The Bun:



Isn't she stinkin' adorable? She gives the best kisses now. Sometimes The Bun gives them away like candy, other times you either have to work for them or steal them. And just like a lady, she only gives them to those she knows very well.
That's my girl. Keep it up, especially in university. Heck, lets just make it a general rule, shall we?
She is growing so fast! She is enunciating more words and just advancing each day. She fills my heart much more than she breaks it. Those that see her on a daily basis swear she is very easy going and simply a joy to have around. Of course, I'm wary of these compliments because of course this is what people say to a mom! They wouldn't tell a mom her kid is a pain in the tuckus. But they insist that they wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
She is pretty freakin' awesome.
I keep waffling between thinking it may be time to have another to oh helllllll no, I'm not ready. All the meanwhile, enjoying my time with her, The Man and our little family.
While I would love to have the body in my 20s (and I would really appreciate it a lot more than I ever did back then), I am so happy right now. CONTENT. That would be the right word. I feel very blessed.

Oh ok, so we're not ready just quite yet

I forgot about the sleepless nights.
Specifically, I forgot how sleepless nights affects ME.
The Bun was feeling bad two nights ago. She didn't have a fever but was very close to it and couldn't go to sleep. She would wake up crying. The Man and I both went into her room after we put her down to hold and comfort her. She would fall asleep but then wake back up and cry. Finally, around 11:30 PM, I felt so bad for her that I took her into our room.
One may ask, why did you wait so long? Here's the thing. The Bun has been sleeping in her own room since she was six weeks old. Also, in the past, I tried sleeping w/ her on a futon to comfort her when she didn't feel good. It was a miserable night for both of us. She's used to having her own space to freely move about and I'm used to not being kicked in the head.
So I brought her into our bed and The Man, who usually can sleep through riots and natural disasters, woke up and helped me comfort her. But there was no comfort to be had. She would fall asleep only to wake up an hour or two later. I got up at least four times that night.
It was while working the next day that I realized we just aren't ready for another one. Yet. The Man took a day off so he could take care of the baby. But also because he just wouldn't have been able to function very well at his job. We were BEAT. As I mentioned, I did go to work but I had three cups of coffee. I think it may have been four but I can't remember. Because I was that dead ass tired.
The Man would like another baby and when I think about getting the infant part "over with" by having back to back chillins, it makes sense to me. I have many friends who had kids less than two years apart and they all say while it was hard in the beginning, they're glad they did it because they got the hardest part over with and are enjoying their lives now. Their kids are more independent, they play and keep each other company, and, parents get to sleep! I've received some great advice from friends that have also said I may never feel ready and to just do it. I totally get that and value that they are speaking from personal experience. But I'm going to listen to my instincts and just hold off. So, for right now, The Bun stands alone.

Times just flies

I kept meaning to write but once The Bun goes down for the night, I am practically shut down myself.
Life is good. The new job is pretty great, the commute is decent most of the time, The Man is happy in his role and we all come home in good moods. At the very least, OK :)
The days fly by and benchmarking time against a growing baby/child ... well, it just emphasizes to me the importance of staying positive and trying to be in the moment.
The Bun can clearly say "No." She can also say, "up", "down", "cracker", "thank you", "goodbye" and "see you later". I'm sure I'm missing more. The more words strung together, however, the more muddled it sounds. But we get her drift.
While I am happy as a clam, I do hope a vacation is in our future. Something with my folks would be nice. We don't have anything planned but I hope it's something that can happen later this year.

Ever changing

We have had a great few days and I'm back in her good graces. *Sigh* Guess this is what motherhood is all about.
The Bun has come to me for both fun and comfort. How easily she fills my heart! Her affection is addicting. I can't get enough of it. And it's so nice that she loves going to the both of us. And my parents! She adores her Nana & Papa.
Easter was so much fun. I honestly haven't cared much about Easter since I was a little girl. This year, because she can walk pretty well, was like a first Easter for her even though it was her second. It was very cute to watch her at her first and second Easter Egg Hunts. Yes, I even went stereotypical Asian girl and bought her a Hello Kitty basket;)
It was a very good weekend. And this when I wonder if I'm ready for another one. Ooooooh, so this is how they sucker a mama into having another baby!
(In all seriousness, I'm not ready. But it's a huge deal that I'm even considering the idea since I was certain I wouldn't do it again. But it's something I've been thinking about for a few months now, even during the rough times. But that's a whole post altogether, isn't it?)

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She's back to breaking my heart again.

Is it because I put it out in the universe? The Bun has gone back to favoring her Dad. In face, she snubbed me pretty bad tonight.
I cried.
Ah, the joys of motherhood.
I feel so silly and unreasonable. But my heart aches.
I don’t need to be the favorite, I just want to be one of them.

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The end of a chapter in her baby book

Yup, I'm about to get even more MAMA on you and I bet you didn't think it that was possible!
Tonight marks the night The Bun officially stopped breastfeeding.
Sure, she has been eating baby food, some soft regular food and cow's milk since she was one year old. But this entire time she has has breast milk before she went to bed. It was part of her night time routine - bath, book, b-milk, and bed.
I figured that she would be weened when I visit Tel for four days in July. But nope, it happened this weekend. I suppose it was a succession of events. Thursday was my good friend's last day at work so I went to her going away party and came home after The Bun went to bed. On Friday, she slept over my folks' house so yet another night of no b-milk. On Saturday, she latched on but it didn't make her sleepy like it normally does. Same for Sunday. And then tonight, when she signed, "milk", I got ready to breastfeed her. But she shook her head and pointed to her bottle of milk.
Ah, I see.
So there it is. I had been so excited for this day. Especially when I was in so much pain from being engorged. But as time went by and her feedings lessened, the pain went away. And now here I am, getting the wish I made probably over a year ago.
No, I didn't cry. But the cliches people say are true. Like, they really do grow too fast. And time really does fly. And yes, I sometimes wonder where the time goes.
Guess I can't tell The Man anymore, "Hey! These aren't just fun bags. These are working boobs."

Randomly putting together an update

The Bun looks like a toddler now. I think she has to be two years old to be officially labeled a toddler so she's got 6 months to go. But she is walking, talking gibberish and looks nothing like the newborn baby that was residing in our home a year and a half ago. When I think back to college or even high school, it doesn't seem that far away even though we're talking 10+ years ago. But now that I have this growing being to benchmark time against, my gosh, time really does fly!
For a few months, she was breaking my heart. I kind of alluded to it before but I was so embarrassed that I didn't feel comfortable talking about it to the masses. Most moms I know have babies/kids that can't shake off w/ a stick!! And The Bun was like that for a good long time. Then, it seemed suddenly, her Daddy was her favorite. I tried not to have my feelings hurt because she means no harm. But my heart just broke. How can I not be her favorite? Didn't I carry her, then birth her and then exclusively fed her for six months? Where's the loyalty?! And what was also hard was that I knew I was being irrational. But I couldn't help it. When I held her and she would twist to her daddy giving the "Pick me up!" sign, I was so hurt. I'd like to say I got over it. But I didn't. She hardly does it anymore which is probably the only reason I can write about it now. My mom says it's because The Man carried The Bun everywhere whereas I would carry her but also make her walk and hold her hand. And how can I fault her for thinking The Man is awesome? He is! But the preference of her Daddy over me made me all emotional. Thankfully, I think we're tied again. And I'm happy with that.
Want to know something funny/awful? A coworker had asked me a couple months back how The Bun was doing. I begun to explain to her my dilemma and I started to cry! I felt so silly. She patted my arm and said, "Don't worry about it. I understand. My daughter is 23 years old and she still breaks my heart." I exclaimed, "That's not at all comforting!!!" Ah, the complicated relationship between mothers and daughters.
Onto something completely different and even more embarrassing, yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We decided we were going to look at cars in the morning and then go wine tasting afterwards. The car browsing was a bust so we were at the winery by 10:30 AM. We wine tasted once they opened at 11:00 AM and then followed it by a lunch. 20 something, I am not. And, according to The Man, I have never been able to hold my liquor. I disagree but as of right now, I don't exactly have a leg to stand on. The lady gave us additional tastes on top of the flight we payed for. I'm telling you, I have drank more wine before but I suppose all those little sips fooled me into thinking the whole was smaller than it's sum parts.
I was a very un-hot mess.
I ended up vomiting in the car into The Man's favorite jacket. I blame it on the cheese platter the waiter proposed to us at the restaurant but The Man said it was because I can't hold my liquor. To be fair, I hardly drink anymore! Of course I have little tolerance. But, again, 20 something I am not. I should have known better. I should know my tolerance level. I used to but that's when I drank on a somewhat regular basis. What a very disgusting way to end our anniversary.
But before you start thinking, "Oh, poor The Man, he has to put up with this sloppy drinker" (yes, I am going to throw him under the bus because he was teasing me and talking as if this always happens to me) I would like to remind folks of my grad school party in which he drank BOTTLES of Two-Buck Chuck because he didn't feel anything. And then he was later found kissing the porcelain thrown for hours and I had to get him after we were done cleaning and locking up. On a sweet note, my parents took pity on him and said he could sleep over our home so he wouldn't have to drive home. These are the same parents who were extremely strict and have never allowed a boy into their 25 year old daughter's room up until this point! My dad, feeling bad, said, "Make sure you put a trash can next to your bed. I don't think he will make it to the bathroom."
Mean of me to bring up? Maybe just a little. But it's also a fond memory for me because I feel like that was the point my folks truly accepted The Man into our family. They didn't even tease him the next day! Hmm, maybe we're better off as a dry couple.

30 Interesting Facts (and why I've been sucking at blogging recently)

1. Started a new job on March 1st w/ the same company I've been with for nearly four years. This puts me in an interesting position in being like a newbie. But not.

2. Trying to manage my time better so I'm spending it with those that I love, getting things I need to get done and preparing things for The Bun & me for the next day so I don't rush in the mornings. Leaves very little time for blogging, though.

3. I worry a lot. I've been trying to manage it, though, so I can be in the moment. How very Oprah of me, I know.

4. The birth of my daughter has made mortality so much more real to me. This coincides with #3. I worry about how much more time I will have with those that I love (like my parents, husband, family, good friends) and I want to make the most of it.

5. I forget where I read this. But a person wrote that if they knew they were dying, they wouldn't want to go to places they've never been or fulfill their bucket list. They would want to spend each minute with everyone they love. I agree.

6. I knew there would be a point in my life in which I wouldn't feel young and sexy (OK, more like cute ... I don't think I've ever described myself as sexy.) I didn't think it would happen so soon.

7. I love my baby and my husband. I would like, however, to get the body I had when I was single. I was pretty pleased with that body and I think my husband would benefit from that body too. The baby, not so much. But it wouldn't hurt her.

8. I love our pups so much. I wish they had life spans like humans.

9. I love them so much they are in our Christmas cards.

10. I wish we could afford help. Housekeeping or nanny-ing. It would be really nice.

11. I've heard many reasons why I should have another child. I agree with almost all of them. I'm just not emotionally or physically ready yet.

12. Almost everyone says not to worry about money. That a family just figures it out. But I do worry how we would be able to afford another one.

13. I just realized this is supposed to be 30 "interesting" facts. Not random thoughts. All right, well ... I have only had two real boyfriends. I married the second one, in case you couldn't figure that out.

14. I am a terrible dater. I never understood the whole second date concept if the first wasn't all that great.

15. I probably sabotaged most relationships before the other person could mess up. Part of the reason I was a terrible dater.

16. I wish I could go back to my early 20s if I could keep all the relationships I have now. The only reason would be so I could enjoy every moment instead of wanting for something I didn't currently have.

17. For so long, I wanted people to think I looked my age or older. I can't exactly pinpoint when I wanted people to guess I looked younger than my age. See? Wanting what I don't currently have. Stupid.

18. I sound like I'm unhappy, don't I? I'm actually a very happy person. And quite content with life. (This points out another reason I was a terrible dater. My husband said I was the master at mixed signals!)

19. My dream job is to be famous and in movies. Funny that I'm not an actor nor have I ever done anything to pursue that dream. And, honestly, I think it sounds a lot more glamorous than it probably really is. My other dream job would be to host a travel show. If I can drag all the people I love with me :)

20. I have more confidence now than I did 10 years ago. And I had a way better body 10 years ago! Funny how that works.

21. I care more about the earth, education and the well being of humanity. I think becoming a mama made me care more.

22. I also think that my significant other makes me be a better person. It's hard to explain in few words but, in my only other serious relationship, my ex said that I made the other want to be a better person. He said I gave him drive, made him want to be more responsible. A grown up. But w/ The Man, I think he has made me be more caring and thoughtful towards others. Not even by what he says but what he does.

23. I give The Man compliments (like the one above) but I also tease him because, let's face it, we keep each other grounded, too ;) We used to be better at giving each other compliments but we've always teased each other. I hope that we can continue to praise each other throughout our relationship because it's just another way to show love.

24. Our oldest pup, who is technically not a pup at nearly 5 years, came very close to death a few months ago. That experience reminded me of why I pushed back for years w/ The Man of why I didn't want a pet. Much less two. I still wasn't over the loss of childhood dog when we got these two. I'm way too much of a softie. But I wouldn't redo the past and not have them. Because they have brought and continue to bring so much joy to my life and to our relationship!

25. On that note, I really wish pets could be covered by human medical insurance. At Kaiser, I paid $100 for giving birth and for being in the hospital for three nights. Piko was at the vet for 7 days and we paid a Hawaiian vacation for 2. A very NICE vacation for 2. We don't have a single regret but man, that's expensive.

26. My daughter, without meaning to do so because she's just a wee baby, has already broken my heart. When I shared this w/ a co-worker, she told me her 23 year old daughter continues to break her heart. But she loves her to pieces and that's just what kids do. A regret I have? Every inconsiderate thing I've ever done to hurt my mom's feelings. My dad, too, but now I know what it's like to be a mama.

27. I feel so blessed with the company I keep. Nearly every day, I thank God for my wonderful family and friends because I feel surrounded by love. This is a very big deal to me.

28. I'm spiritual but not religious. I would actually like to be religious. But I'd like to have one in which The Man would like to also join so we can have our little family worship together.

29. I've always been very conservative about relationships and being faithful. I am pretty liberal when it comes to politics. I believe in equal rights - I don't think that makes me wildly liberal. I think it makes me FAIR.

30. It took me the span of four days to finish this. I wonder when I'll ever find time to quality blog again. I'm thinking rather than primarily writing about my thoughts, I may start documenting The Bun's milestones again. I don't want to forget things and we never started a baby book.

What happened to blogging more?!

I promise I have good reasons. Primarily - work. This is my second busiest time of the year. But I think I'm actually driving more than I do in the fall the busiest time for me. I shat you not when I write that I average over 120 miles a day. Last week, I drove more than 200 miles every time I got into my car. Serious. While the workload hasn't actually been a ton, it's the driving that has been taxing. So when do I have time to take care of the administrative portion of my position like updates via email, email responses and data entry? When I get home. Thus no other computer-oriented tasks gets done. Because, by then, I'M done. Busy, busy, busy!
But I'm happy to announce that there were other reasons why I was so busy - I've been offered a new job in my company! It's funny, everything fell into the right place. Since I got back from maternity leave, I had been looking for a new position. I had been in my old one for three years and that made me a seasoned veteran. Because folks just don't stay too long for one reason or another.
I have many reasons why I wanted to move into another role. But, overall, it was just time. I applied to internal positions. I applied to external positions. I had been on over 10 interviews this past year. But for one reason or another, it just didn't work out. Let me be completely honest - a few I turned down but the rest either weren't offered the job or I didn't move on to the second round interviews. And to be brutally honest, just about all the jobs outside of my company were ones I didn't care for once I had the initial interview. Very similar to a bad first date :) Good on paper but just not a love match in person.
But this particular position. This one just fell into place. It was within my current company. Yesssss. I've mentioned this before but I want to be the type of person that has a long career in one company and, if I had my druthers, retires from that company. I know, I know, our generation isn't known for that nor are companies known for allowing that. Truly, in general, there is no longer that employee/employer loyalty that had existed in our parents' generation. But there are sometimes exceptions to this. And there's something said to the benefits that go along with seniority. Like PTO, retirement and all that jazz.
So going back to how this everything about this felt right. One of the jobs I was offered took a total of FOUR months from first interview to offer. There were good reasons as to why it took so long and, in the end, it was a good thing because it gave me plenty of time to process if this job was a good fit. And for one reason or another, it wasn't. But this new job, from start to finish, was two and a half weeks from interview to offer. For me, it was the right location, a position with desirable job expectations & salary, bosses with good reputations and opportunity for career growth. For them, it was the right time, someone with the right work experience, someone with the right history & background who had actually worked in the territory and, yes, someone with a good work reputation. At least, I'm pretty sure!
I think what was most exciting was that the hiring managers didn't feel compelled to wait for several more applicants for comparison. Although, I would have completely understood - the whole eggs in one basket kind of thing. But it was nice to know they were very confident about me. In their words, they were pleased with my responses during the interview, my work history, and felt like I would be an ideal fit for the position. Plus I had taken the initiative to inquire before the job was posted so that was a bonus in their eyes. Plus, I'm sure they want to fill it ASAP so there is very little vacancy time and there is only a small ripple in their otherwise seamless transition.
I know it won't be a perfect position. I'm sure after being in my current role for nearly four years, there will be a few hiccups and goodness knows, I will need to learn new things and learn them fast. But I think that's what makes it also exciting. I'm really looking forward to being back in an office and working with a team. I have been solo and in the field for quite some time! But I am grateful. Ask me four years ago ... shoot, ask me last year and this is not where I thought my career would be headed. But it is a welcomed unplanned event in my life and I'm looking forward to it.

View on religion

Oh boy. Not at all easy to answer.
Here's the thing - I truly believe the religion I grew up with helped shape me into a good person. I lived in a middle to low income area and high school was a mix of kids. I could have gone down a dark road but I didn't. My parents were very strict so I'm sure that helped. But the fear from religion helped a lot.
That's the thing, though. There was a lot of fear. And guilt. A LOT.
I know most religions encourage their parish to recruit outsiders into their faith. And to marry within their faith. But there was a lot of talk of damnation for those who did not end up on the righteous path. And I always had a problem with that since my dad is Catholic.
I had attended regularly from 1986 to 1996. I remember wanting out as soon as I graduated from high school. I had been part of the choir and was even a choir organist but used college as an excuse to remove all responsibilities. Holding those different positions was considered an honor and I'm certain my mom was ashamed when I stepped down from those duties.
Truth be told, I don't remember much of the teachings of my former religion. I do remember being resentful when I went to church because I didn't agree with many of the sermons. And my attendance was less and less ... the only reason I went for so long is because of my mom. It was really important to her. But, just like they preached, if you were only there physically but not mentally, it didn't count. And it's true, it didn't count.
Fast forward to now. I still believe in God. And I would like to be part of a church again. I want my daughter to have God in her life and to have a belief. We're seriously considering my husband's religion and would like to find a church in our area. But have we done something about it yet? No.
I also have questions. And I would love it if someone who has a strong faith could help me with the answers.
I know there is a God. But I don't understand why there is so much brutality in this world. Why are innocent women and children being raped? Why are people being tortured? Why are innocent people being killed?
These are the kind of stories that seem to be occuring more and more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/connecticut_doctor_whose_family_eWPz3N9foeiSbXiWwlizKJ
http://www.contracostatimes.com/richmond-school-homecoming-rape/ci_16620274?nclick_check=1
I know there is good in this world. And I know that I am very blessed. But what I've yet to understand is that even though God exists, these atrocities occur. Why?
And I am serious. If you have strong faith, consider yourself religious and go to church, I would really appreciate it if you responded.

Views on drugs and alcohol

If we're talking about my future conversation w/ my daughter regarding this subject - "Don't do it!"
If only it were that easy.
Alcohol is pretty fine. It takes very little to achieve a temporary euphoria, especially since I don’t drink nearly as much as I did in my 20s.
When I was in my 20s, it helped me loosen up when I was in social settings. I hadn't partied at all in teens and hardly at all during college. So when I turned 21, I was probably as rigid as a, well, you fill in the blank. It would probably be fitting.
Alcohol also helped create fun. I mean, there had to be other stimuli like friends and being out on the town (because by myself and in a dark room does not make for a good time.) Alcohol also helped ease the tension of stressful jobs.
I like alcohol. Of course, as I get older, I'm more aware and scared of drunk drivers. In my 20s, I guess there is a feeling of invincibility. I just didn't think much of harm being caused to me. I had other things to worry about. Or I was just naive. Now, I worry about things like drunk driving because I worry about harm being cause to those I love like my husband, baby, parents and family.
Drugs. Oh boy. I am going to probably be in the minority (and when I write minority, I mean all by my lonesome) when I say I don't like marijuana. Before I get stoned (the literal, not figurative) for taking away people's rights (although I don't think it's legal yet, is it?) I'm not opposed to other people smoking it. I see it along the same lines as alcohol. It's just not for me. When I tried it in my youth (early 20s), I felt like I was going to hurl and I just wanted everything to stop spinning. After the third time of feeling the exact same way, I gave up. I don't care what anyone else said, it is not relaxing, it is not fun and it was a horrible way for me to spend a perfectly good evning.
There you have it. My views on drugs and alcohol. By the way, I had a FULL glass of wine this evening and it was deeeeee-lightful!

Where I would like to be in 10 years

I would like to be in a happy marriage. I would like my child (or children, if I have any more) to be healthy and happy. Actually, the same for all my loved ones - husband, parents, siblings, pups, other family and friends. I hope to have a nice home in a nice school district:) I hope to still be surrounded by lovely people who make up my circle. I hope to be fulfilled w/ myself and my relationships. I hope to have a career that I can be proud of and enables me to make a positive impact in my community. I hope to have a job that gives a voice to the underserved and/or underrepresented. I hope my employer, my organization, is also admireable. I hope to still have the desire to be content without being complacent. I hope to be present so I can always enjoy and be grateful for my blessings and not want for the unnecessary. I hope I'm a good person. A good wife, mama, daughter, sister, friend, colleague, supervisor, employee, and even stranger.
I hope to be happy.

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Maybe I'm peculiar but I actually really like assignments!

Maybe that's why I like academia so much. I like having creative freedom but can appreciate a little direction. Below is a 30 day challenge my friend, Tel, posted on her website which was borrowed from another blogger. My interpretation is to answer all the questions but I'm realistic. I'm going to make it a 90 day challenge for me :) Because it's still my blog.
1st assignment: Your current relationship. Easy.


I'm married. I've been married for going-on-three years. I'm happily married. And relieved about it, I suppose. What's the divorce statistic - 50%? We dated for six years before we married so I'm hoping we got all the kinks out of the way ;)
What else can I say? It hasn't been all sunshine and roses. Overall, though, it's been and continues to be quite lovely. I feel like we have a healthy relationship. We're supportive of each other, loving, kind, and it's definitely a partnership.
I admit, I've always seen myself being married. But I wasn't one to get into a relationship just to be in one. I have very high expectations of a partner. Probably because I'm not a very trusting person so I expect the person to be exceptionally trustworthy. If not, it's not going to work - I can't work. Because many of us have been in those kind of relationships, the kind in which it's like CSI, dating- style.
"Who just texted you at this late hour?"
"Hey, who's hair tie is this in your car?"
"Who's that girl I can hear in the background? Who's with you?"
"What was just on your computer screen? Why did you click out so fast?"
I don't need that. It's not exciting, it's never worth it and, quite frankly, it's exhausting. And heart breaking. At least, for me.
But I'm going off topic. What's MY relationship like. Well, it's not like that. There's a lot of trust. And even though my husband is amazing, it took a while for me to have this level of trust because I had been burned before. I mean TOASTED. Yes, I had some baggage. As for him, I don't think he had someone as affectionate as I. If I can remember, I don't think any of his girlfriends have been his best friend either. Our relationship was something we both never had before.
There's a lot of trust. And love. We make each other laugh a lot over silly, every day things. He's my best friend.

20 Questions to wrap up 2010 (borrowed from Cyn)

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Hmm, that's soo hard because I can't choose just one specific thing. The Bun turning 1 was huge because we accomplished our first year of parenting. Not only did we "survive" but our marriage continues to be strong, our love and friendship continues to be strong and, let's face it. Our household, between the Bun and the two pups, is a buttload of cuteness.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Oh boy. Being in the moment. Not letting dissatisfaction in one area of my life cloud or affect the other, not to mention more wonderful, areas of my life. Again, not sure if that qualifies as "single".

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

My parents showing me all over again just how wonderful they are. Not that they ever stopped being wonderful but I think they were so consistently great that I took them for granted and sometimes focused too much on their faults. (The shame!) But having a baby and they being so active in her life showed me them in a different light. Being a parent myself now most definitely helped put things in perspective.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

Outside influences who disappointed me thus discouraged me. I think the influences also affected who I was becoming. It's still an obstacle.

5. Pick three words to describe 2010.

Love, Family, Growth.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2010 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you)

Mama, sleep, adult

Can I just say I have no idea what the three words would be but I figured one would have something to do with me being a parent. Another would have to be about me getting more sleep because I was a different person when sleep-deprived. I wasn't myself. Maybe it was the hormones too. But with sleep I am a better ME. And the last would be about me being more of a grown-up because there really was no other choice!

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2010 (again, without asking)

Work, stress, love

Work because he worked a lot. So much so it led to the second word. Stress. He tried so hard to be a great employee as well as be a great father and husband but it was too much. And the money wasn't worth it. Love because I love him A LOT. Hopefully he knows that!

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Oh boy, I have to check my Kindle and get back to this. I really liked The Help but I think I read it in 2008. And the Girl w/ the Dragon Tattoo series.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

My husband, my parents, family and friends. I've learned to treasure them more and I hope that I do better at not taking anyone or anything for granted in 2011.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Being a workin' mama! So that started sometime in February. I count my blessings that I was able to ease into it more so than other mamas because I have a home-based office. I was able to transition from being at home to being out in the field most of the day at pretty much my pace. The first day working from home and not having The Bun with me was really odd. But we all figured it out pretty easily. I may have shed a couple of tears the first day but it all ended up pretty good.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

Oh man, again, it revolves around me becoming a mama. It is life changing to always care for someone who will always need your love and attention. I think I learned a lot in 2010 but continue to learn to adapt as she grows because she is always changing so her needs also change! And I continue to figure out how to be a better person. That means to myself, as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, colleague and even stranger. It is not an easy task.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?I didn't grow spiritually...I hope this to be a new years resolution - I think I'm with you, Cyn.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

Humph. Unfortunately that hasn't changed. I still have the pesky 10 lbs to lose from my pregnancy. Of course, I'm hoping to do something about that. I'm 20 lbs from when The Man and I first met. Yes, holy $*#t is right. I'm not so much focused on the numbers anymore, though. I care more of how I feel. I want to feel energetic and sleek. Not so much like a jigglypuff.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I hope that I show my appreciate for others better and more often. Particularly my parents!

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Although it was my worst financial year w/ my company, my boss saw that it was out of my control since I was on leave for more than 1/3 of the year. She recognized my efforts, the strategies I worked hard to put into place so that my leave would be seamless. Of course, outside influences greatly impacted my plans and, inevitably, my fiscal year. But my boss asked that I receive a small increase and her request was approved. I was really happy about that because I knew it was a tough year for the entire organization so any increase, not matter how small, was a very pleasant surprise.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Reconciling the old me with being in a new role - mama. And I don't think role is even the appropriate word but I can't think of anything better. Because it's more than a job. It's more than a title. I still am who I am but now there's this whole new element that is part of me forever. What do I call that? I'm still the same person but my life is completely different now. Anyway, trying to figure all that out and make decisions that are still best for me yet also best for my family. And sometimes what's best for me isn't best for my family so I have to think about the greater good. Because my family is my greater good.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Facebook! But I've also reconnected with some really treasured old friends. So I put the blame on the user rather than the product. Although if they get me hooked on Farmville or MafiaWars, I will swear that they are striving to be the reigning time suckers of society.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Bath and bedtime rituals with The Man and The Bun. Spending time chatting w/ my parents when I drop off and pick up The Bun from their home. Going on a minimoon to Hawaii w/ The Man before returning to work. It was all good stuff.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions you can make. I mean, I already knew that. But, and I think this goes with just about anything that has to do with being a parent, you know but you don't really know until you actually have a child. Sure, you may have observed from other people or being around family members. But you don't really know until you're in it. I don't care what you think. You don't know the half of it until you're a parent yourself. Now where was I? Oh yes, I am so glad I waited because I surely wasn't ready when I was younger. I'm also very glad we finally made the choice when we did because she is pretty amazing. And seeing my parents enjoy their time w/ her is priceless. We were incredibly blessed with good timing on this decision :)

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you.

Strive for contentment without complacency. Yup, I actually made that up and yes, that's what I've decided to be my mantra.

Family

The Man has a few favorite old photos of his family. One that has always meant a lot to him is of him and his dad in his dad's work truck. I think The Man is around 2 years old in the photo. For months now, he's mentioned how he wants to recreate the photo w/ The Bun. Of course I thought it was a grand idea. My husband has fond memories of his father. He, unfortunately, only got to spend 14 years with his dad before he passed away. So he treasures those memories and these photos with his father.
Well, we decided yesterday that we were going to take the time to finally do it. And I love how the photos turned out. The Man looked through them all and found the one that best matches his old photo. It's funny. I know it's just a photo. But I'm so glad we took the time to do it because I know it makes The Man very happy. I know he wishes there were more photos of him and our baby so I think this helps make up for it.
The top photo is of The Man w/ his Dad (his dad wearing a work hat) in his dad's work truck. The bottom, The Bun w/ The Man wearing his hard hat and in his work truck.


My absolute favorite:


I can't help it. It has all our babies :)

Christmas came and went!

Oh my goodness, I can't believe it's over. It felt like we JUST put the tree up. Well, we kind of did.
I love the holidays. And while this year flew by I loved it just the same. The Bun was showered with love. And I don't mean with just gifts (although my hand hurts from all the thank you notes I had to write on her behalf.) It was so nice seeing everyone in the holiday spirit. Sure, there was some times when I was stressed out but, over all, it was a great Christmas season. The one thing I would change? That my parents aren't getting older. Although I was in no way shape or form ready to be a parent 10 years ago, I wish my parents were a bit younger so they could enjoy even more their time w/ The Bun. And, selfishly, so that they would be here a lot longer.
Seeing my parents w/ The Bun is really something. It warms my heart and makes me appreciate them so much more. Sure, sometimes they criticize my parenting (and you bet that I snap back) but I know it's out of love. They love her sooooooo much. Their love is almost unbelievable. It's so strong that I want her to have it around for a good long time. Of course, they are also pretty upstanding parents to me. And I'm grateful that their love has now included The Man. I'm so thankful and blessed.
There you have it. I'm sure my parents have no idea how much I appreciate them. Well, OK, that's not necessarily true. They have some idea because I try to show it and tell them as much as possible. But still, they probably don't have an idea of the extent of my gratefulness to them.
And The Man! He's so great. You know, I actually think he would make a good stay-at-home Dad. We joke about it but in all seriousness, I think he would be pretty damn good. But seeing how he's the bread winner, that's not going to happen. Poor guy, I think he missed his calling.
Anyhow, I know I'm veering off topic. I feel blessed. I am grateful to be surrounded by love and support. I pray every day and thank God for all my blessings and I try to be a good person. I know I fall short on many occasions but I think my New Year's resolution is going to be that I try harder and that I be more grateful.
Oh, and yes, of course I would like to drop 20 lbs. but I'm concentrating on my deeper resolution :)

Contentment ... unachievable?

When The Man and I were dating, he said he didn't think I would ever be content. I always wanted something more. I have to say, though, that when we moved into our home and had our baby, I was pretty darn satisfied. I didn't want for anything.
Then I went back to work. I realized that I did want something more. I wanted to grow. I think of work as an extension of my education. I was in school for what seemed to be forever. And when I got a job, I knew that I saw advancement as being the same as moving onto the next grade or degree. I know it's not the same thing but that's how I view it.
And now I've been doing the same thing for almost four years. I'm ready for a change but I don't know if it's possible in the same organization. And I'd like to stay in the same organization. But I feel pigeon-holed. I thought about going back to school for certain courses that pertain to my profession. But with a baby, it's not feasible. I mean, it's certainly doable but I don't think it's fair to The Man. And there's no guarantee that it will lead to career advancement.
So I view the rest of my life. I'm very happy. I have a great marriage, a great kid and great family and friends. Seriously, all that is great. And I wonder if it's selfish or unreasonable to want a great career too. I mean, when does the wanting stop?! Am I never satisfied? That would be a sad thing. So that's why I focus on other points of my life because I'm so very grateful. If things switched around and I had a great career but wanted more in my marriage, child, family and friends, I would be seriously depressed. So ... do I need a good smack in the rear? Or is it OK that I feel this way?
I'm not depressed about my current situation. As I mentioned, I'm grateful for my wonderful family, home and personal life, in general. But I would like to have career growth and I would like my opportunities to expand. (I won't go into detail about what I've done to try and do this because discussing the j-o-b is crossing a line I'm not willing to cross! But know that I've made attempts that for one reason or another haven't come to fruition.)
I am blessed in so many ways that I feel selfish for not being content. I'm not rich by any means but I don't want to be like a lottery winner lamenting that he wished he won the megamillion jackpot. Anyway. It's late. And I'm babbling. I just wanted to share this with the one or two people that still read this :) Oh, by the way, Cyn. I tried to comment two different times on your last entry and I don't think it went through. But I swear I'm reading!

What happened?

I heard today that blogs are dying and it's primarily because of social networks like Facebook and Twitter.
My blog barely has a pulse.
I used to get irritated when people said, "I don't have time to _____" (fill in the blank) because I thought, "No. You're choosing not to MAKE time for ______."
I stand by my irritation. I still think it's true. And I admit, I haven't made time for blogging. Because it's so much quicker to write a one sentence update and upload a photo than it is to sit and think about stringing together several thoughts. Plus, I have many more friends and family on FB than I do on this. Sure, it's an open blog but I don't freely give my address to everyone. If they stumble upon it, fine. But they would be hard pressed to located it.
Anyway.
It's my favorite time of the year. And for whatever reason, I haven't really made the time to enjoy it! I remember the last time I felt this way was when I was at a job I didn't like and it drained all my energy. I don't know what it is this year. I suppose it's going to a wedding the first weekend of December and then it was my birthday weekend last weekend so we went out. But still, I don't know where the time goes.
But finally, FINALLY, the tree is up. For some reason, that seals the deal for the Christmas vibe. At least, for me. We had wreaths up but it just wasn't complete without the tree.
I love this time of the year. The Bun is old enough to hopefully enjoy it too. The Man asked for a demotion at work so he's leaving and coming home at a decent hour. Best of all, he's in a good mood and a lot less stressed. I know, it sounds funny that he would ask to be demoted but I worried about his health and basically well-being. While he was a good enough man to leave any frustration at work, he still carried a lot of that stress inside of him. And he was working crazy long hours and missing out The Bun's "firsts" of things like crawling up the stairs.
Thankfully, he was able to request a demotion and still have a job. And I'm thankful to be employed too. Our lives will never be perfect but I'm so very thankful for everything we have.
OK, so I've got to jet and get the baby ready to go. So no proof reading or anything! See? That's why I have a problem w/ blogging. I know that it's going to tick me off when I look back and see errors or wish I had written a thought a different way.
But my blog still has a pulse.