Thursday, October 27, 2016

To the little but all-consuming loves of my life

To The Bun and The Bean,

It’s been so long since I’ve written here because there has been no time. Well, scratch that. I haven’t made time because there are so many other things that are more important – including you two! I think I was also disheartened to see that all the photos I’ve posted no longer work:( How can I stroll down memory lane when the photos have disappeared? Ah well.
Anyway.
I’m in my 4th year of my j-o-b. Kids, this might not mean anything to you until much later. Like, when you’re gainfully employed. But I’m so very thankful to have a job that I enjoy tremendously and has afforded me the best commute in my career. I am about 20 minutes from home and while it is too far to go home for lunch, it’s nice to work so close to home.
Ava, the proximity of my job enables me to volunteer at your school every-other-week. It means so much to me to have you know that you’re important to me. I don’t care to hold a PTA position because I want to volunteer in roles in which you can see and talk to me. I want to know the kids in your class and see how they interact with you. I want to see you eat snack and know that I packed enough in your lunch box.
 Oh, that lunch box. I think that you think I don’t want you to buy school lunch because I don’t want to spend the money. That’s partially true. If it was a truly nutritious school lunch, I would be OK with it. But I know it’s not that good for you. And if you’re going to have a “not that good for you” lunch, well then I can pack that for you! But I aim a little higher most days;) I’m not a natural chef but I want to know that you have enough food for snack and lunch. I want you to know that maybe you can’t tell right now, but it’s how I show I love you.
On that note, I’m sorry that I snap at you sometimes. Or that I seem irritable. I hope that’s not what you remember most of me. I was telling a colleague that you and I have different personalities but there are enough similarities that cause us to knock heads. But I hope you always know that you are absolutely my favorite girl in the whole wide world. You are so beautiful, inside and out, that I am in awe that you came from us. You are so special and I hope you know that I feel that about you.
As for you, Mister … oh, Evan. You are a feisty little thing! You are so LOUD. And that statement is coming from a loud person! You challenge me and push me but you know what? I am thankful every day that you’re a Mama’s Boy. And I hope you stay one forever. Oh my goodness, do you know that when I give you this serious “You’re in trouble” look, you break out into a big smile and then laugh?! And then I laugh because I can’t believe that my look has NO effect on you except to make you laugh.
Last month, Evan, we transitioned you from Monique’s home day care to a preschool. Well, you were in the 2-4 year old section which is technically a day care but they are officially a preschool. We put you in twice a week with the intention of having you go four times a week. You hated it:( You cried so hard when I left you and then you cried with relief when I picked you up. That was something new for you – I’d never seen you be so relieve to see me you cried.
I was torn. I knew the preschool was just lovely. Ava had attended the same preschool when she was 4 years old. But it was different for you and me. I didn’t like that couldn’t tell me what made you so sad. I didn’t like that I had to leave you bawling. I didn’t like that you got hurt on your second day even though I know it was perfectly innocent. But all these signs were telling me that this just wasn’t the right time for you. If we didn’t have your Nana to take care of you, maybe we would’ve just waited for you to get used to it. And even though it’s very inconvenient to take you to Monique’s, we have to do what’s best for you.
At two years old, I think you just crave that personal attention. You are the only baby at Nana’s as well as Monique’s and it was obvious when I heard you would follow around one teacher the entire day, you needed that one-on-one attention. Sure, some people said you would eventually adapt. But you know what? You’re only going to be two once in your life ... I just want to let my baby be a baby. So I pulled you out of preschool and we’ll revisit the idea in a year or maybe two. But can I just say that you, my son, do not shed a tear now when you go to Nana and Papa’s or Monique’s. It’s like you realized how good you have it now:)
I do really like my job. But I look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks when I am off work and we get to sleep in and hang out. I also know that by the time those breaks end, I’ll be itching to go back to work. But I long for those moments of us lounging in the morning and taking our time to start our day.
I love being your mama, kids. I really do. I love you both higher than the sky and bigger than the world.

Xoxo,
Mama