Thursday, October 27, 2016

To the little but all-consuming loves of my life

To The Bun and The Bean,

It’s been so long since I’ve written here because there has been no time. Well, scratch that. I haven’t made time because there are so many other things that are more important – including you two! I think I was also disheartened to see that all the photos I’ve posted no longer work:( How can I stroll down memory lane when the photos have disappeared? Ah well.
I’m in my 4th year of my j-o-b. Kids, this might not mean anything to you until much later. Like, when you’re gainfully employed. But I’m so very thankful to have a job that I enjoy tremendously and has afforded me the best commute in my career. I am about 20 minutes from home and while it is too far to go home for lunch, it’s nice to work so close to home.
Ava, the proximity of my job enables me to volunteer at your school every-other-week. It means so much to me to have you know that you’re important to me. I don’t care to hold a PTA position because I want to volunteer in roles in which you can see and talk to me. I want to know the kids in your class and see how they interact with you. I want to see you eat snack and know that I packed enough in your lunch box.
 Oh, that lunch box. I think that you think I don’t want you to buy school lunch because I don’t want to spend the money. That’s partially true. If it was a truly nutritious school lunch, I would be OK with it. But I know it’s not that good for you. And if you’re going to have a “not that good for you” lunch, well then I can pack that for you! But I aim a little higher most days;) I’m not a natural chef but I want to know that you have enough food for snack and lunch. I want you to know that maybe you can’t tell right now, but it’s how I show I love you.
On that note, I’m sorry that I snap at you sometimes. Or that I seem irritable. I hope that’s not what you remember most of me. I was telling a colleague that you and I have different personalities but there are enough similarities that cause us to knock heads. But I hope you always know that you are absolutely my favorite girl in the whole wide world. You are so beautiful, inside and out, that I am in awe that you came from us. You are so special and I hope you know that I feel that about you.
As for you, Mister … oh, Evan. You are a feisty little thing! You are so LOUD. And that statement is coming from a loud person! You challenge me and push me but you know what? I am thankful every day that you’re a Mama’s Boy. And I hope you stay one forever. Oh my goodness, do you know that when I give you this serious “You’re in trouble” look, you break out into a big smile and then laugh?! And then I laugh because I can’t believe that my look has NO effect on you except to make you laugh.
Last month, Evan, we transitioned you from Monique’s home day care to a preschool. Well, you were in the 2-4 year old section which is technically a day care but they are officially a preschool. We put you in twice a week with the intention of having you go four times a week. You hated it:( You cried so hard when I left you and then you cried with relief when I picked you up. That was something new for you – I’d never seen you be so relieve to see me you cried.
I was torn. I knew the preschool was just lovely. Ava had attended the same preschool when she was 4 years old. But it was different for you and me. I didn’t like that couldn’t tell me what made you so sad. I didn’t like that I had to leave you bawling. I didn’t like that you got hurt on your second day even though I know it was perfectly innocent. But all these signs were telling me that this just wasn’t the right time for you. If we didn’t have your Nana to take care of you, maybe we would’ve just waited for you to get used to it. And even though it’s very inconvenient to take you to Monique’s, we have to do what’s best for you.
At two years old, I think you just crave that personal attention. You are the only baby at Nana’s as well as Monique’s and it was obvious when I heard you would follow around one teacher the entire day, you needed that one-on-one attention. Sure, some people said you would eventually adapt. But you know what? You’re only going to be two once in your life ... I just want to let my baby be a baby. So I pulled you out of preschool and we’ll revisit the idea in a year or maybe two. But can I just say that you, my son, do not shed a tear now when you go to Nana and Papa’s or Monique’s. It’s like you realized how good you have it now:)
I do really like my job. But I look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks when I am off work and we get to sleep in and hang out. I also know that by the time those breaks end, I’ll be itching to go back to work. But I long for those moments of us lounging in the morning and taking our time to start our day.
I love being your mama, kids. I really do. I love you both higher than the sky and bigger than the world.


Friday, January 08, 2016

Uh, hello? Is this thing on?

I feel like I should write out Adele's lyrics to "Hello". I think this is the longest gap of time I've had between posts. Would you believe me if I told you that I've thought about this blog at least a couple times a week? But when I would eventually get a pocket of time, I just didn't feel like writing. I thought of various things I wanted to be sure to write down so I wouldn't forget. But then, wouldn't you know, I forgot what they were. But it never occurred to me to just let this go and walk away. I'm stubborn that way. Right there, I can of so much I want to write about. I want to start writing personal letters to The Bun and The Bean so they can read it later and know what their mama was thinking ... and that maybe she really isn't that cray-cray. She just has a lot to think about that they didn't know about. I want to maybe even write letters to The Man but that's a little more sensitive because, well, those are very personal thoughts that most likely have to deal with conflict or relationship complexities. Essentially, not all cupcakes and roses:p I want to write about what my one word is for 2016, when I chose it, and how I'm going to use it to reframe my thoughts and actions so I can be a better self, wife, mama, daughter, sister, friend, professional and overall human being. I want to write about how my daughter wrote me a beautiful note with misspellings but so much wiser beyond her years, how it gave me pause and how it was a wakeup call that I was not doing things as well as I thought I was. And, shockingly enough, although it was something I have been fixated on for years, it was sort of an almost afterthought it this rambling of things I want to make sure to write about - I finally, finally reached my weight goal. How it happened and how I feel now. I must say that even though it was the last thing I thought about it when it came to things I want to write about in my blog, this was incredibly hard, and even though I am by no means a skinny minny (I will always be curvy unless I get very ill), I feel healthy and good, inside and out. Guess I should get started writing, right? Well, the 30 minutes that I took to write this has now eaten into my morning schedule and I'm now a half hour behind in getting myself, The Bun and The Bean ready. I'll leave you (well, really ME b/c this blog is read by only me) w/ two things that have captured perfectly what I struggle with on a daily basis. I know I'm not the only one but I can only speak for myself. There's a video of Jada Pinkett Smith that has gone viral b/c she talks about the challenges of finding balance in taking care and being responsible for herself, her husband and her children as well as fulfilling her dreams while helping her children and husband fulfill their dreams. It is a very good video and what she said spoke to me. It also reminded me of an interview that really resonated w/ me regarding a woman CEO saying women can't have it all. And that you have to cope, know you are doing your best, or you will die of guilt. So I thought I would repost that article, in case anyone else, man or woman, struggles with balance. When I posted it on FB, some of my friends thought it was depressing. I found it to be the opposite. It made me feel that if this incredibly intelligent and successful woman is struggling, I don't feel so terrible about struggling with this, too.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Happy 1st birthday!

I MEANT to post this on your birthday, exactly one month ago on your birthday! I even uploaded it on that day. Oh, I have the best intentions. Life is just so busy. Superbly blessed, but b-u-s-y!
My little mister. My Coffee Bean.  (I nicknamed you that because you kept me up my entire pregnancy! Thank you for being a good sleeper like your sister and letting me make up for all those hours I was awake while pregnant.) Happy 1st Birthday! A whole year has flown by.
Just like with your sister, I don’t know where the time goes. You two are growing up so fast.
I remember being pregnant with you. I remember telling your Daddy, “There isn’t enough room for both of us! I feel so FULL. There just isn’t enough room!” (My stretch marks say otherwise.) I loved taking pictures with your sister and you in utero because I could see us both grow as your due date drew closer.
You are an incredible baby. You are so sweet, serious, yet silly and fun. You are extremely cuddly. You are super duper handsome (you look just like your Daddy. When he calls you handsome, it’s almost narcissistic!;) You are a big boy – and not just the Asians say this. I can’t believe such a big baby came from me.
You bring out the best in all of us. You make me a better mama, your Dad a better daddy and your sister a better sister. I can't explain it, you just do. I guess it's because you prove that love isn't like a cup of water. That it is capable for us to love even more than we already did. You are such a blessing to us.

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Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Mama's at a work conference

My job isn't perfect. But it is one of the best jobs I've ever had. They invest in professional development by encouraging us to attend conferences. They also let me stay at the hotel where the conference is held (always nice).
My digs for three days/two nights.
I'm grateful for this and my previous experiences make me an appreciative person. It's also kind of nice to stay at a hotel all by myself!

I'm also extremely grateful for my family because there's no way I could go anywhere overnight without their support. My husband and mom changed their daily schedules around to make up for my absence. I cannot say enough how much I love and appreciate my village.

Of course, I miss my family. I got to talk to The Bun the past two nights. It's the craziest thing because I talk to this girl every day in person. But when I was listening to her talk over the phone, it struck me how adorable she sounded. I loved listening to her talk and could hardly believe this little girl chatting on the phone is my baby.
They're holding hands. He was knocked out and she was just hanging out.
I've enjoyed my little time away. I was able to educate myself about my field and get a little bit of grown up time and alone time. It was nice but I miss my family - my husband who makes me laugh, my beautiful children and my adorable pups.
My son with his super chubby and kissable cheeks AND fauxhawk<3

- Posted using BlogPress via iPhone

Monday, June 01, 2015

Time did it AGAIN

It got away from me!
So much going on.
One of my pups had surgery. We realized how pretentious it sounded when we said, "We're talking our dog to UC Davis for surgery on her ACL" but, really, we did it to save money. And boy, did we ever. We were quoted $1,000 more to do it in the Bay Area so it was well worth it to drive an hour and a half to Davis. She is currently on the mend but won't rest. Pili believes she has a bionic leg. She doesn't.
My little baby boy is teething. He's got TWO teeth breaking through his gums. This makes for a sad baby but I mourn a little for the fact that my last baby is no longer going to have baby's breath.
If you've ever smelled it, it's highly addicting. With The Bun, and now The Bean, one of my absolute favorite places to kiss is the chin. One, it's super soft and naturally chubby. Two, and more importantly, it puts my nose right near their lips which is usually open because they're giggling. And that's when I get a hit of that awesome baby's breath. It's sweet and only lasts until they have teeth.
Then they get that other breath:(
So I'm sniffing his mouth as much as possible before those teeth come in. I know, it's a weird thing to read but truly, there are few things that naturally smell as sweet and pure as a baby's breath. No joke.

Saturday, May 09, 2015

My beautiful baby boy.

There's something about looking at my babies sleeping, especially my youngest baby, that makes me catch my breath.
This baby, this small being who babbles, has that unmistaken sweet baby breath and smells like baby powder, this is the last time I'll experience my children in this form. At this age. I'm not going to have any more children so all their firsts are also going to be my lasts. I may be blessed later in life to experience these again as a grandmother but these moments are my last as a parent.
My handsome 9 month old and my beautiful 5 year old will some day be in their 20s, and then 30s, leading their own lives wondering why their mama is always willing to hang out with them. At the drop of the hat.
Parenthood is lovely and cruel. We spend years loving, teaching and nurturing our children. Then they grow up and want to lead their own lives, understandably, but sometimes very far away. And parents just have to accept it. Or maybe their close by but life is crazy and there's little time to spend with their parents.
And parents just accept, love, and take whatever time they're given.
I know this is my future because it's what I've seen and even what I've done and do with my own parents. Work, my own little family, chores, friends and yes, rest, all take up time.
But 30+ year ago, my world revolves around my parents, just as my kids' worlds revolve around The Man and me.
This circle of life. Crazy, isn't it?

- Posted using BlogPress via iPhone

Monday, April 20, 2015

Slower than molasses but ...

... last time I checked in here, I was 3-4 lbs away from goal. Despite the gluttony that was my tropical vacation (for which I have no apologies!), I'm now 1-2 lbs from my goal.
This is a big deal for me.
I will not be a skinny minny at my goal. I'm sure that some will look at me and think I should keep going. But 1) it is realistic and 2) medical professionals evaluated me from head to toe and came up with my goal so 3) I'm totally behind it.
Clothes fit me differently now. I know I've written about it before but I can't find it in a quick search and I'm pressed for time so I'll repeat myself. How little ol' lady of me ... which I fully embrace.
Today I posted on IG a photo of me in a pair of pants I haven't worn in a long time, maybe 2 years. Well, I was surprised by how loose they fit because my stomach is quite soft. It's sort of an optical illusion - my stomach is trimmer but also much softer. I think it is about the size it was when I got married. While I weigh less now than my wedding day, I did have a personal trainer whip me into shape:)
But, as I've mentioned before, I'm making a concerted effort to be kind to my body. To be forgiving and loving to my body. I really like this online article because it reminded me that my body has been through a lot and I am absolutely blessed to have given birth to two beautiful babies.
So I thank my body because, while my belly is softer than my youth, it has trimmed down so much I didn't even realize it until I tried on these pants. And these are the smaller sized pants of my 10 pairs. I wore size 8 pants for a year or so after The Bun was born. I wore size 6 pants about the time I got married.
I debated holding on to these pants because, frankly, I'm scared that I will gain the weight back. And almost all of them have been hemmed professionally so that certainly added to the cost! But after being approximately this weight for months now, I think it's time to free up the room in my closet.
I'm not a completely changed woman. My downfall is chocolate, always has, always will. But I'm much better at nourishing my body with good stuff like vegetables and (mostly) staying away from junk food.
Thank you, body! You've been very nice to me.

Fallen off the wagon: Well, that was quick!

We whomped up a trip to Maui in less than 6 weeks. This is not typical of Ms. Type A over here.
With all that goes into that, working full-time and being present to a 5 year old and 8 month old (although he is turning 9 months tomorrow!), my dear blog has fallen by the wayside.
Here are snapshots of our trip:

Baby boy's first plane ride and The Bun's first trip to Maui. (I cannot believe this is her 4TH trip to Hawaii. What?!)
Then my iPhone met its untimely demise. These photos are taken by The Man's phone which were scarce because I don't think he trusted me with it. I begrudgingly write that I can't blame him.

The Bean didn't enjoy the heat coupled with the sun. We found a shady spot on the beach and we were blessed with a breezy day. We took a photo to capture his cuteness.
We stayed at Honua Kai Beach Resort which had Duke's Restaurant by the beach. We enjoyed a few meals there. I like this photo because it shows my daughter lounging in her bathing suit. She got to do that for much of this vacation.
Honua Kai offered a complimentary photo shoot. We weren't prepared to for formal photos but that's what I kind of like about it. I wore my bikini with a bright cover up and The Man wore a his bright blue workout shirt. We had baby boy in his brightest onesie and The Bun was the only one who had something that could be called, "fancy." I like how the photos ended up. (Photo shoot was free, photos most certainly were not.)
I don't know the next time we'll be in Hawaii. It was a tough flight for my baby and I don't know if The Man was able to relax. But I'm glad we were able to do it and, overall, I had a lovely time.

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