A long time coming.

The Bun is about to be introduced to a tradition. One of my most favorite traditions, actually. Up there with Christmas. It started here, here and here. That's right, Girls' Trip! Way better than Girls' Night Out ;) Our third dearest friend joined us the second time because, while it was for a wedding, we arrived early so we could have some quality friend time. Then I got married, thus our third one but, unlike my friend's wedding, I didn't have a lot of time to hang out with friends :(  Then there was my last Girls' Trip with them in 2009 before my planned pregnany w/ The Bun.
I've missed two more trips due to being a mom and/or insufficient funds. But my two girlfriend made me and another girlfriend, who has never gone with us, promise that 2012 would be our year. All four of us would go. I made the lofty promise of going and bringing The Bun w/ me. When it was time to plan, I thought about going back on this promise. I knew that I would get little sleep and it wouldn't be relaxing. Although one of my friends also had a child she's going to bring, who is less than a year old, I figured she could strap her kid on her back versus me who will have to be in the hotel room by 7:00 PM.
I underestimated my friends.
They planned to rent a condo so that the moms with kids could comfortably lounge with everyone else in the safety of our condo versus two us being holed up in a room w/ bebes while the other two went out gallivanting. In addition to attempting to have the four of us have our own room, they were working their hardest to have a champagne vacation on a Budweiser budget.
Bless their hearts, they pretty much did.
So The Bun will be attending her first Girls' Trip this year. And I, after a three year hiatus, will be joining my girlfriends. I am so excited. One of our goals (in addition to having lots of fun, relaxing and making tons of awesome memories) is to get The Bun & Baby hooked so they look forward to Girls' Trips too! Well, the less-than-one-year-old baby may not remember a lick. But we can work on The Bun.

I thought it would be easier than tying my shoe laces

It's about to get real for a second.
I thought we would get pregnant the nano-second I was off birth control. I mean, when I got pregnant w/ The Bun, we were extremely lazy in our efforts. He basically looked at me and *boop!* I was pregnant.
It's been a few months now yet no double lines. If you've ever had a scare or been trying, you know what that means.
I don't know how to feel. I'm disappointed but not devestated. Just wondering, though, if things have changed down there. (Told you, R-E-A-L.) The Man isn't worried but is kind of surprised that the oven is still vacated.
I'm happy, though. Really happy with life:) I'm also a planner so this has thrown a wrench in my timeline. Hmm.

You know, I won an award for this.

I don't know if I've ever shared this but I won an award in graduate school. Best Writing in my graduate program, son. Ya' heard.
OK, OK, I'm 100% certain there are errors in just about every entry I've written. But it's true, I was awarded Best Writing way back when. I knew I was a decent to good writer but not confident enough to ever enter a competition. It was only because of one of the professors reviewing my graduate project recommended I submit an excerpt from my project. So I did. And I won.
I write less and less as the years go by. I used to write for one of my past jobs - grants, print materials, proposals. But now I hardly write. All I really have is this blog.
I think most people blog because they like to write. It's an opportunity to freely share one's thoughts and express oneself to the whole wide world through the world wide web.
I've missed writing. I worry that, just like most skills, it's something I've lost over time because I haven't practiced. Do you know I knew APA style like the back of my hand? OK, not that well but pret-ty well. Now I don't remember if I put the period before or after the parenthesis.
Know what else I miss? Having a hobby. I love yoga and am able to take a class once a week but it's hard to fit it in my schedule more than that. But this year, I'm going to express my interest and see if my studio needs my help. I'm not interested in teaching but I'd like to submerge myself more in the practice. Perhaps through writing? Maybe fund raising. Either way, I'm going to figure it out.
I'm also promising myself to write more so maybe, one day, I can win another award :)

Fallen off the wagon

I know I put it on my Facebook page but I haven't written about it for a while. In fact, this was the last time I wrote about it. I won't go into details because I don't want this entry to became an advertisement but, in short, the Dukan Diet works for me. IF I stick with it.
Of the 10 lbs I had left, I lost some more and only had four pounds to go. Then plateaued. Then I survived the holidays and somehow slipped back into bad habits. I gained a few pounds and now have to lose seven pounds. Yep, I backtracked.
It's so frustrating because the only thing truly standing in my way is ME. I know what I need to do and I know that it works. So WHY is it so hard for me to do it? And this is when I bash myself. I get mad at myself for being weak, lazy and undisciplined. But, as we all know, what good does that do? Nothing. What's that saying? Crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Or something to that effect.
OK. So this is where I change my thought process and not revert to my self destructive ways. I will go back to what has worked for me not that long ago. I will post something on FB because putting it out there somehow works for me, I will be better about planning what and when I eat, I will be more diligent about walking, yoga and working out with The Man. And I will loose these mother effin' last seven pounds.
I will.

Wrapped around her chubby little finger

The Man has a military background. He joked, when I was pregnant, that we would be all about corporal punishment. Well, I knew he was half-joking but I also know he would not stand for a bratty child. If that meant time-out, so be it. If it meant spanking, well, I don’t think he would have ruled that out.
And then she was born.
He doesn’t call her his princess (Thank goodness. I just have weird feelings about that particular nickname.) But you bet that she rules his world. Sure, The Bun melts my heart, too. But I think it may actually cause The Man pain when he sees her cry. And heaven forbid if, while she’s crying, she wails, “Daaaaaa-deeeeeee”. More often than not, he gives in.
This may alarm folks. “She’s probably a spoiled, rotten brat,” you whisper. We are blessed, people. Our daughter is not a problem child. She is actually very, very sweet. I have it on good authority from grandparents (bias), aunts, uncles & friends (semi-bias), day care (could be bias but is not) and strangers (unbias) that The Bun is one of the sweetest toddlers they’ve ever met.
For real.
If you keep up with this blog, you know that the first year was a struggle for me. I felt like I was barely holding it together but people reassured me I was fine. Later, because I’m related to and friends with some of the best people I’ve ever met, they told me that they thought The Bun was a super easy baby and that I was lucky. But they didn’t want to tell me because they didn’t want to negate my feelings AKA worrying. Instead, they were reassuring without being condescending or dismissive. (Told you, these people are keepers.)
My point is that my daughter’s easy-going nature and sweet disposition may be part nature as well as nurture. I mean, when a baby is challenging (colicky, irritable or just the opposite of “easy”), it is unfair to blame the parents. The baby is just working things out and having a damn hard time adjusting to the world after the comforts of the womb. I feel the same could be said for easy going babies. I think we lucked out because The Bun was a very even-tempered baby. But let me give credit where credit is due.
The Village. It really does take one. And mine consists of me, The Man, both grandmothers, a grandfather, and day care provider. (Shout out to the outer circle who contributed to this village and were there if needed like other relatives and very good girlfriends of mine.) Yes, we were blessed with a sweet baby right out the gate but this village nurtured that sweetness and made her the kind and loveable child she is today. These people helped so much by creating a safe environment where she could grow and flourish. Truly.
Does she have moods? Absolutely. She is a normal two year old with a temper as well as overwhelming feelings of sadness when she doesn’t get her way. At least, that’s what I think is going on when she flings herself to the ground, sobbing. But I am having more fun with her than ever before. I want to kiss her all the time and have tons of fun with her and The Man. All right, all right, I guess she has us both wrapped around her chubby little finger. I just think it takes me a little longer to crack ;)

What's a new year without a little resolution?

Some things I want to do or be in 2012.

I resolve:
- to be more loving, patient, helpful and generous to my loved ones.
Boy, this one is a doozy because it's general but it's asking a lot! I try my hardest to be all these things but, sometimes, I think I get too lazy or selfish. This means being a better wife, mother, sister, relative, and friend. I think I also want to extend it to those I don't necessarily love but deserve a better: employer, employee and even acquaintance. Such a tall order.
- to be in the moment and make time for those that I love.
Kind of similar. Time flies by so fast. LIFE just passes by in the blink of an eye. Now that I have a child, I see how the days, weeks and years just slip away. While I want to be in e moment and enjoy the now, it's a fine and difficult balance to also make sure I make the effort to be with all those that I love and appreciate. Because we aren't all here forever.
- to get to my goal weight!
Yah, yah. What would be a resolution without this? Well, I'm roughly 5 lbs away. I've lost 15 lbs (give or take 2 from "holiday happiness") and want to get to goal weight by THIS MONTH. Will power with food is not my strong point but I'm resolving, dammit!
- go to the Philippines either this year or next.
I have so much family there and haven't been for a visit since 2006. Entirely way too long ago. I've gotten married and have had a baby since then. My parents (shoot, everyone!) has gotten older and it means so much for my folks to have me & my family accompany them to the Philippines.
- stop being a weenie when it comes to The Bun.
I just blogged about this in my last entry. I worry about upsetting the delicate balance we have in our household. I don't like to go places if it means disrupting the Bun's sleep (if you lacked sleep for a year, you know why this is so important.) But I want to live life too. I don't want to make decisions because I'm scared of the unknown. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be reckless but to be "in the moment", I can't be scared. So, among other things, I want to travel with The Bun and not worry about how stressed I will be or if it's just better to stay at home than do things w/ her. Moms before me and after me have done it so why can't I? Plus I really really want to visit Sister. I miss her.

I'm sure there is more but this is quite a lot. I mean, the first one is a life long process! But I will try. Because my hippie self wants to be about love, gratitude, generosity and patience. And more yoga. Yup, I am SUCH a Californian:) HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What's the difference between graduating college & having a baby?

I swear I wrote this already but, when I looked back on my entries, I couldn't find it. So either I thought I wrote about it but didn't or I'm just a lousy researcher now.
You may or may not already know this but I have a dream about my college years at least once a week. Every time I wake up, I'm a little sad because I realize that those days are long gone. Then I feel guilty. I mean, do I wish I could go back and relive those days? Are those days the best years of my life?
Luckily, the answer is yes and NO.
Yes, I sometimes wish I could relive those days. At that time of my life, everything and anything seemed possible. I'm certain it was the most liberal, thought-provoking time in my life. But it was also a sheltered time because I wasn't worried about a mortgage, bills and health insurance. Mom and Dad were footing the bills. I was allowed to concentrate on my studies, what I wanted to become, falling in love and where I would live after graduation. Essentially, planning my adult life.
I've already written about what I would do over. I loved university life for so many reasons. In addition to what I've written already, it was the first time I felt like I belonged. Specifically, when I started taking courses in my major. College also introduced me to all types of people. This was such a breath of fresh air since high school was stifling. Who knows, maybe high school was filled with diverse people but it felt like we were all just trying to survive by hiding what made us different and just trying to be as mainstream as possible. In college, being unique was celebrated and, sometimes, the more unique the better! Within reason ;) I miss a lot of things. I miss that sheltered environment - being on the brink of the "real world" without having to deal with real world situations, I miss the incredibly liberal and thought-proking environment and I miss the diversity.
While I loved this time of my life, I'm happy to write that these were not the best years. How sad would that be? I would be pretty depressed if the best time of my life peaked in college. I love so much of my life now than ever before. I am truly in love and have found my partner in life. This is the happiest I've ever been with another person. I don't miss that feeling of loneliness, unhappiness or uncertainty when it came to love earlier in my life. I'm incredibly happy with The Man, The Bun & The Pups. I love our little household, my beautiful family and friends. I've been blessed to be surrounded by incredible people.
I think I also have a much better appreciation for those I love. I try my hardest to not take them for granted and show them the patience, love and help they deserve. I think I'm much better at prioritizing (although I could always be better) and I try extremely hard to be in the moment. Also a work in progress. But I didn't have the mindset or perhaps the maturity to think about things like that in college.
So, knowing a huge reason that I loved university life is because I loved the endless possibilities of what I could become once I graduated, why am I TERRIFIED of having another baby?
Yes, yes, it is old news that I'm open to having another baby. After two-going-on-three years of being adamantly against it, I am embracing the thought of having another child. But that doesn't stop me fretting over the unknown. But what's great about having a blog is being able to reflect. And, because I'd like to think I'm also self-aware, I know that that's my thing. I am somewhat of an anxious person. I am a worrywart. I worry about how our schedules will change once The Bun has to start going to school. Or if her day care provider or grandparents can't take care of her anymore. Of course, I also worry at the thought of trying to balance my already chaotic life with another child in it. I worry about basically anything upsetting the harmonious balance we have right now. But, as we all know, anything can happen. People can get sick. One of us can get laid off. Life happens. So why can't I embrace the unknown the way I could when I was graduating college?
Thought-provoking stuff, huh? ;)
That's how I'm going to think about life moving forward. Not just about children but any change, in general. I mean, I'm sure I'm romanticizing my college years. I know I freaked the eff out back then, as well. But, in the spirit of living in the moment and living without regret, I'm going to embrace the unknown. Because, as I get older, I have become more anxious (if that's possible) about change. Change & the unknown mean having no control. And that scares the bajeezus out of me. But, that's no way to live. That's not how I want to live.
Love and gratitude. That's how I want to be and how I want to live life. And yes, I think I'm turning into a big ol' hippie.

How is it almost three days until Christmas??

As soon as Thanksgiving rolled around, I pulled out the Christmas decorations. I paced myself but decorations were up by the second week of December. I created a Christmas gift list and completed 90% of it by mid-December. I also had greeting cards out around the same time. I made a TON of cookie dough the first week of December so all I would have to do is take them out of the freezer and stick in the oven.
Then I got caught up in life again. And NOW it's three days until Christmas.
I still have to:
- buy 1 more gift (for my brother)
- cook the rest of the damn cookies I had made last month
- buy more cookie containers because I had low-balled the amount I needed even though I had made a list
- clean the house (vacuum the 2nd floor, clean all the bathrooms, dust, kitchen counter tops but The Man will probably clean the tile)
- deliver the cookie gifts to recipients (Doggie Doc, Chiropractor, Yoga Studio, and my brothers roommates & caregivers)
- cook a couple dishes for our post Christmas lunch w/ out of town family
- buy ingredients for said dishes
- fold a $hit ton of clothes that have been piling up for two weeks (I'm great at keeping up with washing clothes, terrible about folding and putting away)
- pick up Christmas Day lunch (thankfully purchased)

I want to go to sleep and believe a fairy will take care of all of this for me. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I just don't know how time got away from me.
-------------------------------
12/23 update at 10:17 PM.
buy brother's gift - done!
buy cookie containers - done!
bake all cookies - done!
fold clothes - I found out that we have SEVEN loads of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. SEVEN!! I figured this out by the number of dryer sheets I found in the huge pile of clothes. Thankfully, most are done. All that is left is The Man's clothes (I put away his underwear and socks)
cookie delivery - almost all done

Still got to clean house (ughhhhh), pick up Christmas meal and buy ingredients for post Christmas day. Still a lot of stuff but feeling pretty good. Just NOT looking forward to cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming the stairs (I don't mind even flooring but stairs are a pain in the rear) and whatever else neeeds to be cleaned. But I love me some Christmas so I'm gonna get 'er done!