Little things

 I think about my Sister every day. There are also small (and, of course, big) things that really make me wish I could pick up the phone and text or call her. Though we lived in different states and would go up to a week without talking, we were close. We lived big and full lives independent of one another but we told each other just about everything. We knew of each other friends and coworkers, we knew about small annoyances and big challenges. 

It was a small thing that made me think of her yesterday. For the last decade or so, Demondoll has fretted about her hair thinning. I told her I didn't see what she saw but she was certain her scalp was showing more. I'm the one with thicker hair and she was the one with more hair. So we both had our insecurities about volume. The other night, I tried Paul Mitchell's Lemon Sage Thickening Spray and Garnier Fructis Mega Full Thickening Lotion together. And yesterday I had so much volume. I thought to myself, "Oh I wish I could tell her about this. She would love it." And I would have made her try this combination the next time she visited. Normally, my day-old hair would be flatter because I produce a lot of oil. And yet my hair still had volume from this combo and she would have wanted to give it a try even more.

It's silly and insignificant. But we cared about this kind of thing and I wish I could send her these products so they could make her happy and more confident. I wish we she was still here so we could talk about small things. Heaven knows there are big things happening right now that I wish we could discuss. But these small things - they mattered, too. Little sisterly, best friend things you talk about with your sister and best friend.

For the most part, I've loved being the baby of the family

 Being the baby of the family meant that family members doted on you. In their eyes, you're still the baby. While it can be annoying not to be seen as a teenager or young adult, it was nice. I had a good relationship with my parents, especially after becoming a parent myself, and with my siblings. My sister always said they were dirt-poor when she was growing up so I also appreciate that my folks were more established when I came around. I can honestly say I never needed anything. My needs were certainly provided for and most of my wants, too. 

What no one tells you as the baby of the family is that you will most likely be burying everyone. It makes sense but no one talks about it. And while it is dark to think about my parents' passing, I knew that would eventually happen. My parents were always the oldest parents in my class or friend group and that was because I was an "oopsie-daisy-we-can-still-get-pregnant" baby. And my sister is/was 13 years older than me so, to her chagrin, sometimes people mistook her for my mom (we both looked young for our ages so I get why she was put off - she would have been a very very young parent. 

I thought I would have 30+ years with my sister. If I can be completely honest, I naively never thought about my sister passing away. I took it for granted that we would be growing old together. That eventually, our busy schedules would sync up by being less busy and we would visit each other more, maybe even take trips together. I also always thought I'd have her to lean on when things got hard with our folks. And when our dad passed away and our mom just became more like herself (stubborn, hard-headed, but much less independent), I thought we would commiserate, brainstorm and problem-solve. Because this gets more challenging, particularly emotionally.

But I am by myself. And I am overwhelmed. And I am still grieving.

I have a mom who refuses to believe she is too frail to travel but has been hospitalized after both times she has traveled internationally. I have had to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences of her poor decision-making. People wonder why I can't just put my foot down with her but if you actually knew who she was, you'd know that she was a force. And, for most of her life, it has served her well - her grit and determination. And she's always been the practical one in the family, the one in charge of finances and made the household go 'round. But she's in her 80s, experienced and is experiencing a host of health issues, and lost her husband and her daughter within the past 5 years.

I try to remember this when I'm overwhelmed but it's very hard. Because it's just us three (my brother has high support needs so he's not part of any decisions or expected to help) and I'm also grieving. And I work full-time, am married and have two kids. So my mom's needs affect them too. Though my sister lived two states away, it was a relief to know I had someone if there was an emergency and certainly helpful when needing to vent. Plus she contributed as much as she could like being in charge of our mom's transportation and coordinating that complicated ordeal, week after week.

I'm trying to feel hopeful but I am restless and anxious. And overwhelmed. And grieving.