This one was really easy

I'm grateful for being able to spend my latest birthday in one of my most favorite places in the world with some of my most favorite people in the world.

It's not the best photo but it has all of in it with a hazy background of where we are. 

I loved Hawaii the first time I stepped foot on Oahu in 2001. I couldn't believe that I hadn't known how amazing this place was until I was 21 years old. I had childhood neighbors from HI, friends who vacationed in HI, but I was not the least bit interested until I went on a girls' trip with a college friend and absolutely fell in love with a place. I think the only two other places I loved as much were the Philippines (there is something magical about being with family and appreciating your ancestral land) and Washington (Sister loved it and showed me all the places she loved therefore I also loved it).  

I credit Hawaiian culture for helping me love my tanned skin and be more accepting of my body type. As proud as I am of being Filipino, colorism is an issue and so is weight. Growing up, I had wished I had lighter skin and really wished that I was underweight. Even at a size 4, I remember going to the Philippines and my relatives calling me curvy. Dancing hula, being immersed in Hawaiian culture and visiting Hawaii helped me appreciate how beautiful tan skin can be and also how all types of bodies can exist on a beach. To be fair, that's not just a Filipino issue, for the longest time America celebrated skinniness (let's face it, still does) so it felt like everywhere I turned, my type was not considered beauty. And I love that HI refuses to be colonized and bucks that belief in every which way. 

I visited Hawaii every year for several years (some years on Oahu, a few on Maui). The Man and I got married on Oahu, honeymooned on Kauai, and then the visits became less frequent after having two children. I've always wanted to go to the Big Island as it was the only inhabitable Hawaiian island I hadn't visited and we were able to make it happen this year. And it is the very first time I've ever celebrated a birthday in Hawaii. 

It felt pretty special to do this. We also stayed in an AirBnB for the first time in Hawaii and ohmigerd, it has made all the difference. Being in one hotel room with one bathroom has felt extra tight now that Bun is a teenager and Bean is basically the size of one. The Man found a beautiful home high up on the hills with incredible views.

My view as I wrote in my journal

Normally I don't like being so far from the water because I love the ease of stepping out of a hotel room and being minutes from the beach. But the quiet, privacy, and peace we have here, along with the convenience of two bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms (I cannot stress enough how this is a game changer), kitchen, living room ... basically, a whole house to ourselves with beautiful ocean views from most rooms in this house is extraordinary. I feel absolutely blessed. 

I see that my kids prefer having the beach more accessible and restaurants and shops being in walking distance. But they see the positives in what we are experiencing (having their own bedroom and a massive bathroom is a gigantic plus) and are happily along for the ride. Well, Bun is having to do a lot of homework for independent study and has requested we not take a vacation during school. The Man & I wanted to give it a go because travel and room/board is so expensive when schools are on break but won't be doing it again because we feel bad for the kiddos.

With all the health and housing issues my mom is going through (that would be many posts and has been many therapy sessions) and my role at work somewhat in question (boo to funding issues), I was having a hard time looking forward to this trip even though I had really been wanting to go. But things going as they were leading up to this trip were very stressful. And it felt like one of the worst times to possibly go. But then my mom's housing situation was solved, her health was somewhat steady, and it seemed that my job was hanging in the balance a bit less. 

And now we're here. And it's beautiful. And I'm one year older, in relatively good health, with my absolutely lovely family. Life feels good right now. 

Gratitude, continued

 After my last entry, I wrote in my paper journal an entry about my daughter. Then I skipped a day. But I'm back! And here to thank ... my junior high best friend, T. I've known her since I was 11 years old and she was 12. We weren't best friends back then. More like frenemies. We called each other friends but sometimes weren't very good friends to each other at all. We stayed friends throughout junior high and up through high school. And then we found ourselves being best friends our senior year. 

We stayed close after graduation and then she got married while I went to university. We still stayed close though she moved to Washington and then Colorado. As life would have it, we drifted apart. Then she moved back to California and we drifted our way back to each other again. But our kids were different ages so we stayed in contact but not very closely. And then, in 2013 (I remember because I started a job in Oakland and we met up just down the street from it), we decided we would try to do weekly hikes. And we've been meeting up ever since. Those hikes occurred while I was great with pregnancy (I remember because I thought there were times where I would have to tell her to just leave me behind), family deaths, other tragedies and hardships in our lives and everything in between. Hikes became knitting sessions, then pole fitness classes, and always coffee dates in between. We have talked about trivial things, important things, heart breaking things. She has attended my dad's funeral, listened to me sob about my sister, be frustrated about my mom's declining health and everything in between. We've gone to a women's spiritual retreat, more pole fitness classes, and many other things. 

T is a soul sister. She sees the positive in life and will hold my hand while we bemoan the negatives. I am grateful for this friendship that has gotten bigger when I needed it to and hopefully it's done the same for her. 

Gratitude over Anxiety

 That's what I'm going for. I was talking to my therapist yesterday about all the anxiety I have from the uncertainty of work and care for my mom. I won't into details but who wouldn't be worried when it comes to their livelihood and the care of an elderly parent with a host of serious medical issues? I feel on edge, not quite drowning but certainly overwhelmed. It affects my sleep and perhaps it's easier to call it anxiety than depression. I don't know. 

So we talked for a bit about this constant dread because it was affecting how I felt about life and not celebrating or enjoying the good moments. Because it felt that impending doom was around the corner. Dark and dramatic, perhaps, but we're still dealing with grief remember? She suggested focusing on gratitude, worrying that it might seem trivial or condescending when she said it but I assured her that I was on board. That I had done it before but, for whatever reason, I strayed away from it and wrote down all my worries. And that's probably why I didn't look forward to journaling and avoided it for days. Then weeks. Then months. 

What am I grateful for today? I will highlight my son, The Bean. A friend offered to help pack up my mom's room at her old facility when I found it was abruptly closing. This is a dear friend who is typically reliable. Well, she had to cancel last minute for a not-so-great reason (though I value her telling me the truth) and I had already told staff that I would be coming so would have felt bad for cancelling. They had to be mildly inconvenienced to let me in so I felt obligated to follow through. I was already feeling a sort of way with having to do this chore, feeling guilty that I hadn't seen my mom in a few days and now feeling put out that a friend cancelled. I asked Bean if he would come with me. I could tell he was not excited, as he had chores to do specifically on Wednesday and he was also hungry. But he looked at how disappointed I was in being cancelled on and with almost no hesitation (it was probably a second or two), Bean said he would help me. I told him thanks, eat a snack while I picked up his sister, and be ready to go in 10 minutes. 

My boy is 11 years old and very much the baby of the family. Look, I was the baby of the family so I know the role well. Unlike me at his age, though, he has more chores and more expectations put upon him in terms of helping around the house. So we drive to my mom's former facility, dark and cold outside, and without any complaints he packs as efficiently and neatly as he can. And by golly, he did a solid job. It wasn't like having another adult with me but it was far better than me doing it by myself. He was such a sport about it and I was the one to call it quits for us rather than him asking if we could stop. I had promised him McDonalds on the way home (a rare treat) and gave him the $10 we found in one of my mom's jacket pockets. 

I'm grateful to have a son who chose to help his mama out even though he was tired from school, hungry, and had a schedule his brain had already committed to (like my daughter and me, we like to know and stick to a schedule, especially when it comes to chores. Hi, I'm the tree, meet my apple.) My kids are their own personalities even though my husband and I see flickers of us in them. And Bean is someone who is the baby of the family, doesn't like to be inconvenienced, and won't necessarily be a martyr - again, also the baby of the family and totally get it. And yet ... he is very loving and giving, particularly when he thinks someone needs help and he can do it. I don't think I give him enough credit for this. So today I am very grateful for my baby boy.

They say you should journal every day

 ... and I have the best intentions to do just that but when I think about putting my pen to paper (journal), I'd rather go on a social media app, a pop culture website or just about anything else. So I'm wondering if unearthing my blog will inspire me to write a bit more. It's certainly faster to get my thoughts out this way.

So, I have been wanting to switch careers but stay in the nonprofit sector FOR YEARS. I just wasn't sure what it looked like. I wasn't interested in being an executive director or CEO but I also did not want to stay in fundraising, I was burnt out. I planned on seriously searching for a new job a month after I graduated. I started putting feelers out, asking for informational interviews with former colleagues, former supervisors, and my greater professional network. I thought about teaching, though I intentionally did not pursue a PhD because I didn't want to teach and research. But I figured why not see. But I continued to only be approached for fundraising positions. 

Then my Sister had her catastrophic stroke. And I could hardly function personally or professionally lives. And then my mom's physical and cognitive health was declining. Again, I felt like I was underwater. I dreaded waking up because I knew it was going to be another day of obstacles. I wasn't suicidal but I surely wasn't joyful. I had been invited to take part in a Women of Color Leadership Fellowship and instead of networking or working out a career plan, I was pouring out my soul and feeling like I was unprofessional because I couldn't stop crying. But it felt like I was dealing with something with my mom just about every day. Whether it was her falling, or forgetting her purse, or not making it to her doctors' appointments. I felt like I was responsible for so much. 

So I stayed. I stayed at the job that felt secure even though it was severely flawed. There was security with being with the devil you knew. I mean, it wasn't awful and it surely wasn't the worst place I had worked at, I just knew that it wasn't challenging me in a good way and I certainly wasn't using the education I obtained. It was a decent enough environment, I was fairly compensated, and the flexibility of a hybrid schedule was probably my most favorite aspect of the job. 

I won't go into details but this job eventually became insecure. The stress of not making the organization's fundraising goals got to leadership and there were poor decisions being made. And even though I should have been "safe", I wasn't and I quickly learned my job was unjustly on the line. I updated my resume and actively applied like it was my second job (it was.) This search was a long five month process, and many interviews, often times with the same organization, they just had a lengthy, multi-interview application process! It came down to two jobs I liked most. One was in fundraising but with a world renown institution and promised to view fundraising in a completely different light than any other organization I'd been part of. And the other was a Chief of Staff role with a small local church doing audacious things in the community. Almost two years after I graduated, I was in a career changing role.

Little things

 I think about my Sister every day. There are also small (and, of course, big) things that really make me wish I could pick up the phone and text or call her. Though we lived in different states and would go up to a week without talking, we were close. We lived big and full lives independent of one another but we told each other just about everything. We knew of each other friends and coworkers, we knew about small annoyances and big challenges. 

It was a small thing that made me think of her yesterday. For the last decade or so, Demondoll has fretted about her hair thinning. I told her I didn't see what she saw but she was certain her scalp was showing more. I'm the one with thicker hair and she was the one with more hair. So we both had our insecurities about volume. The other night, I tried Paul Mitchell's Lemon Sage Thickening Spray and Garnier Fructis Mega Full Thickening Lotion together. And yesterday I had so much volume. I thought to myself, "Oh I wish I could tell her about this. She would love it." And I would have made her try this combination the next time she visited. Normally, my day-old hair would be flatter because I produce a lot of oil. And yet my hair still had volume from this combo and she would have wanted to give it a try even more.

It's silly and insignificant. But we cared about this kind of thing and I wish I could send her these products so they could make her happy and more confident. I wish we she was still here so we could talk about small things. Heaven knows there are big things happening right now that I wish we could discuss. But these small things - they mattered, too. Little sisterly, best friend things you talk about with your sister and best friend.

For the most part, I've loved being the baby of the family

 Being the baby of the family meant that family members doted on you. In their eyes, you're still the baby. While it can be annoying not to be seen as a teenager or young adult, it was nice. I had a good relationship with my parents, especially after becoming a parent myself, and with my siblings. My sister always said they were dirt-poor when she was growing up so I also appreciate that my folks were more established when I came around. I can honestly say I never needed anything. My needs were certainly provided for and most of my wants, too. 

What no one tells you as the baby of the family is that you will most likely be burying everyone. It makes sense but no one talks about it. And while it is dark to think about my parents' passing, I knew that would eventually happen. My parents were always the oldest parents in my class or friend group and that was because I was an "oopsie-daisy-we-can-still-get-pregnant" baby. And my sister is/was 13 years older than me so, to her chagrin, sometimes people mistook her for my mom (we both looked young for our ages so I get why she was put off - she would have been a very very young parent. 

I thought I would have 30+ years with my sister. If I can be completely honest, I naively never thought about my sister passing away. I took it for granted that we would be growing old together. That eventually, our busy schedules would sync up by being less busy and we would visit each other more, maybe even take trips together. I also always thought I'd have her to lean on when things got hard with our folks. And when our dad passed away and our mom just became more like herself (stubborn, hard-headed, but much less independent), I thought we would commiserate, brainstorm and problem-solve. Because this gets more challenging, particularly emotionally.

But I am by myself. And I am overwhelmed. And I am still grieving.

I have a mom who refuses to believe she is too frail to travel but has been hospitalized after both times she has traveled internationally. I have had to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences of her poor decision-making. People wonder why I can't just put my foot down with her but if you actually knew who she was, you'd know that she was a force. And, for most of her life, it has served her well - her grit and determination. And she's always been the practical one in the family, the one in charge of finances and made the household go 'round. But she's in her 80s, experienced and is experiencing a host of health issues, and lost her husband and her daughter within the past 5 years.

I try to remember this when I'm overwhelmed but it's very hard. Because it's just us three (my brother has high support needs so he's not part of any decisions or expected to help) and I'm also grieving. And I work full-time, am married and have two kids. So my mom's needs affect them too. Though my sister lived two states away, it was a relief to know I had someone if there was an emergency and certainly helpful when needing to vent. Plus she contributed as much as she could like being in charge of our mom's transportation and coordinating that complicated ordeal, week after week.

I'm trying to feel hopeful but I am restless and anxious. And overwhelmed. And grieving.

I don't want to say goodbye

Last Friday, when I flew up to see my sister we had what I've come to dread - the Family meeting. This is when Sister's medical team requests to meet with the family to provide an update on her progress and talk about the next steps of her care. It's never good news. It's never a time to celebrate and high-five each other. But my brother-in-law requested they hold off for a day and have it on Friday so I could attend. I truly appreciated being included though, as I mentioned, I've quickly come to hate these meetings. Unfortunately, the meeting was what I thought it would be. Her medical team asked us what we thought she would want. Because the best outcome they predicted, based on her lack of responsiveness, her tests and scans, was that she would be able to hear and maybe be able to see but she would not be able to process what she was hearing or seeing. 

All our hearts broke again.

We were all holding onto hope that her brain would recover from her strokes and that she just needed more time for the swelling to go down. But it seems there is too much damage from her initial stroke and then all the small ones she had while in the hospital. She had just gone through too much and that is why she was no longer responding to anything but pain. It was decided that her care would change from life-saving to comfort care after close family and friends said their goodbyes. 

We flew our mom up Saturday afternoon to see DD for the first time in the hospital and also to say goodbye. Our mom had recently been in the hospital herself late last June and we didn't want mom to put herself in unnecessary danger. We figured that we would wait until sister moved from ICU to Acute Care and then both would be a bit stronger to see each other. My sister, when still responsive, had held up her hand in a "wait" or "stop" position when we mentioned mom wanted to visit her. Knowing how anxious and worried my sister gets around our mom, it made sense that she made that motion. And her husband, knowing my sister the best, also felt it was the best decision for both of them. Our mom still desperately wanted to visit but without anyone helping her book flights, hotel or transportation, it would have been impossible for her to do it herself. So she waited. 

As expected, it was very difficult for our mom to see DD with a breathing tube, IVs, her head shaved and, most of all, knowing this visit was so she could say goodbye to her daughter. My mom and I went straight to DD from the airport. We stayed just before visiting hours were up. I had booked us a hotel room less than 10 minutes away so we took an Uber there. It was the first time in a long time since I spent the night in a room with our mom. Notorious for being loud, she did her best to be quiet so I could rest. I really appreciated her efforts even though neither of us got much sleep that night.

We joined my brother-in-law in the morning to visit with my Sister again. They were allowing up to four visitors and appreciated that her other visitors wanted to give me and my mom visiting time, along with my sister's husband and son. Whenever one of us needed a break, there was a family member or friend ready to step in. There were also others who visited specifically to say goodbye so we wanted them to have their time with DD, too. And around 2:45 PM, we were allowed to have six of us gathered around as my sister's nurse and respiratory therapist removed her IV and breathing tubes. We all cried and continued to sit around her. My mom and I had to say goodbye in the early evening so we could make our flight home. We hated to leave her.

We had no idea when she would leave us. Her nurse said it may be a day or so. It is now five days later and she is still here. This saddens me greatly because it just goes to show how strong my sister's body is. It's only her brain that isn't allowing her to be with us. But it's the one that matters most - over her heart, lungs, and kidneys. I have cried every day since returning and am thankful to my brother-in-law for his calls and online updates. I can only imagine how hard this has been for him. I know he is grateful for anytime he has left with her but I also know this very long goodbye has to take a toll both physically and mentally. Because he knows that she will eventually go. And I mourn for her now because even though she is still with us, she also isn't. This is the longest I've gone without speaking to her and I'm so so sad that I won't ever get to talk with her again.