Today, I woke up with the same pain I felt the day I needed surgery (but didn't know it yet). I wasn't bleeding but I was very worried that something was wrong and I would need surgery again. God forbid if they had to reopen my scars.
How awful would that be?
I called the Kaiser Advice Line again hoping they would shed some light and tell me that there was nothing to worry about. After a series of questions, the nurse admitted not being too familiar with methotrexate. She read me the same information I was given on Friday but that didn't address the pain and if I was having a bad reaction to the medication. She put me on hold so she could confer with the OB-GYN on call.
When the nurse got back on the line, she said that the doctor wasn't worried. I wasn't bleeding, I didn't have a fever and my wounds weren't infected. (Thank goodness for that, ugh.) I was having strong abdominal pain because the methotrexate was doing its job.
I had forgotten that way back when the doctors were talking to me about surgery versus methotrexate, I had learned that one of the downfalls to taking the medication was that it simulated a miscarriage. How could I forget that?
Having a D & C and, most recently, surgery, that was something I hadn't experienced yet - going through a natural miscarriage. While this isn't truly natural, the physical experience, according to my doctor, is very similar if not the same.
I'm trying so hard not to wallow in self-pity. I know there are women who have suffered far more than I and that there are far worse situations in this world. To just about everyone, I've been upbeat and not been nearly as negative about all of this as I have on this blog. I have been very matter-a-fact at work and jumped right back into the j-o-b.
But if I don't release it somewhere, all my anger, frustration and sadness, I think I'll explode. Worse, at a completely inappropriate place like work.
So forgive the wallowing (or not) but I'm so angry and upset that I've had two miscarriages in four months and that the last one comes with the two-for-one bonus of surgery AND the physical pain of going through a miscarriage naturally.
It just doesn't seem to ever end. Go away, already.
1 comment:
Go ahead and vent away! It's not self-pity. You've been through a lot in a short amount of time. Sometimes it helps to put all that anger on paper (e-paper?). Please know that you have a little support system here on your blog. xoxo
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