Live and learn

I just got checked.

It’s hard to hear criticism about yourself. Admittedly, it is not easy to hear it from those I love, including The Man. I try hard not to get defensive but I think about all the things I do for our family and I feel unappreciated when I hear “constructive criticism”.

But I also know that any good relationship has open communication. Marriages are one of the oldest, closest relationships that a person can be part of. I know that is merely an opinion but it’s mine. I see how a marriage can deteriorate when people stop talking to each other and stop knowing how to communicate with one another. I see how manners displayed to strangers are extended to spouses. I also understand how the person you love most can also hurt you the most so it’s much easier to harden one’s self and not allow vulnerability in a relationship.

I don’t want to be in that kind of marriage.

Funny enough, all those examples are things that I’ve done at one time or another. My marriage is considered quite young, too! We’ve been married five years and dated exclusively six years prior to that. I know that I used to be a lot more open and communicative before. I choose to not address issues or discuss my feelings as much because I want to keep the peace AKA not fight or because I just don’t want to know.

Serious.

I remember thinking, “I’m not even going to ask what the hell that was about it because I don’t want to know.” I just wanted to sleep. Or eat. Or relax. Anything other than talk because I was certain we would fight. Now, let me just say that I think I’m in a relatively healthy marriage. I love my husband so much and close friends compliment our relationship. But it certainly isn’t perfect. I would be delusional after making such statements earlier.

My point is that it’s hard to hear the not so great stuff about yourself. And yesterday I was lamenting that I didn’t understand why The Bun seemed so distant with me lately and all over her Daddy. I know he’s great stuff and he’s my favorite person tooJ But I seriously felt like chopped liver and even an innocent bystander made a joke about it a couple of days ago.

When I made a comment about it last night, The Man said that we needed to bond more. My reply was something like, “What? How could we bond more?” He responded that we don’t play. We hang out, we watch TV and when she does watch TV, I’m on the phone. So we’re next to each other, he said, but we’re not interacting.

Ouch.

But true. I’ve lacked energy lately after work and I just want to relax. It’s so easy to give into her request to put on a Disney movie and just veg out. But we weren’t having quality time. When I did have spurts of energy, I do chores because I feel guilty that the house is mess. When I shared that, The Man said, “It’s OK. Just play with her. That’s a better use of your time.”

I did get a little defensive but I didn’t say anything. I let what he said digest and knew with a minute that he was right. I think what helped was his delivery, too. I’ve often told him that sometimes he talks to me like one of his employees. I think that style has served him quite well at work but it doesn’t feel like a partner is talking to me, but a rather bossy boss. So his communication style when telling me this truly helped a lot. So much so that I wrote him a note the next day letting him know that a) he’s right b) not to give me $#*t because I said that he’s right and c) I appreciated the way he told me.

I decided this morning that we were going to play tonight, even if I was absolutely beat. I was going to summon the energy and we were going to have fun! I told her this morning that she would get to pick between making a card (her current favorite craft) or baking. She chose baking. So we’ll go grocery shopping and pick a mix that she wants to make. I’m all for making things from scratch but since she’s gotten a real independent streak, I think the minimal amount of work is best at this moment.

Yes, I got checked. But I’m glad that I was able to recognize, learn and grow from it. I want to be the best wife, mom, daughter, friend, and professional I can be. It's exhausting but I have to try my best. 

Look what The Bun was up to when I got home! Have to do a quality check when she's not looking but I'm so proud of my little girl!