To the little but all-consuming loves of my life

To The Bun and The Bean,

It’s been so long since I’ve written here because there has been no time. Well, scratch that. I haven’t made time because there are so many other things that are more important – including you two! I think I was also disheartened to see that all the photos I’ve posted no longer work:( How can I stroll down memory lane when the photos have disappeared? Ah well.
Anyway.
I’m in my 4th year of my j-o-b. Kids, this might not mean anything to you until much later. Like, when you’re gainfully employed. But I’m so very thankful to have a job that I enjoy tremendously and has afforded me the best commute in my career. I am about 20 minutes from home and while it is too far to go home for lunch, it’s nice to work so close to home.
Ava, the proximity of my job enables me to volunteer at your school every-other-week. It means so much to me to have you know that you’re important to me. I don’t care to hold a PTA position because I want to volunteer in roles in which you can see and talk to me. I want to know the kids in your class and see how they interact with you. I want to see you eat snack and know that I packed enough in your lunch box.
 Oh, that lunch box. I think that you think I don’t want you to buy school lunch because I don’t want to spend the money. That’s partially true. If it was a truly nutritious school lunch, I would be OK with it. But I know it’s not that good for you. And if you’re going to have a “not that good for you” lunch, well then I can pack that for you! But I aim a little higher most days;) I’m not a natural chef but I want to know that you have enough food for snack and lunch. I want you to know that maybe you can’t tell right now, but it’s how I show I love you.
On that note, I’m sorry that I snap at you sometimes. Or that I seem irritable. I hope that’s not what you remember most of me. I was telling a colleague that you and I have different personalities but there are enough similarities that cause us to knock heads. But I hope you always know that you are absolutely my favorite girl in the whole wide world. You are so beautiful, inside and out, that I am in awe that you came from us. You are so special and I hope you know that I feel that about you.
As for you, Mister … oh, Evan. You are a feisty little thing! You are so LOUD. And that statement is coming from a loud person! You challenge me and push me but you know what? I am thankful every day that you’re a Mama’s Boy. And I hope you stay one forever. Oh my goodness, do you know that when I give you this serious “You’re in trouble” look, you break out into a big smile and then laugh?! And then I laugh because I can’t believe that my look has NO effect on you except to make you laugh.
Last month, Evan, we transitioned you from Monique’s home day care to a preschool. Well, you were in the 2-4 year old section which is technically a day care but they are officially a preschool. We put you in twice a week with the intention of having you go four times a week. You hated it:( You cried so hard when I left you and then you cried with relief when I picked you up. That was something new for you – I’d never seen you be so relieve to see me you cried.
I was torn. I knew the preschool was just lovely. Ava had attended the same preschool when she was 4 years old. But it was different for you and me. I didn’t like that couldn’t tell me what made you so sad. I didn’t like that I had to leave you bawling. I didn’t like that you got hurt on your second day even though I know it was perfectly innocent. But all these signs were telling me that this just wasn’t the right time for you. If we didn’t have your Nana to take care of you, maybe we would’ve just waited for you to get used to it. And even though it’s very inconvenient to take you to Monique’s, we have to do what’s best for you.
At two years old, I think you just crave that personal attention. You are the only baby at Nana’s as well as Monique’s and it was obvious when I heard you would follow around one teacher the entire day, you needed that one-on-one attention. Sure, some people said you would eventually adapt. But you know what? You’re only going to be two once in your life ... I just want to let my baby be a baby. So I pulled you out of preschool and we’ll revisit the idea in a year or maybe two. But can I just say that you, my son, do not shed a tear now when you go to Nana and Papa’s or Monique’s. It’s like you realized how good you have it now:)
I do really like my job. But I look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks when I am off work and we get to sleep in and hang out. I also know that by the time those breaks end, I’ll be itching to go back to work. But I long for those moments of us lounging in the morning and taking our time to start our day.
I love being your mama, kids. I really do. I love you both higher than the sky and bigger than the world.

Xoxo,
Mama

Uh, hello? Is this thing on?

I feel like I should write out Adele's lyrics to "Hello". I think this is the longest gap of time I've had between posts. Would you believe me if I told you that I've thought about this blog at least a couple times a week? But when I would eventually get a pocket of time, I just didn't feel like writing. I thought of various things I wanted to be sure to write down so I wouldn't forget. But then, wouldn't you know, I forgot what they were. But it never occurred to me to just let this go and walk away. I'm stubborn that way. Right there, I can of so much I want to write about. I want to start writing personal letters to The Bun and The Bean so they can read it later and know what their mama was thinking ... and that maybe she really isn't that cray-cray. She just has a lot to think about that they didn't know about. I want to maybe even write letters to The Man but that's a little more sensitive because, well, those are very personal thoughts that most likely have to deal with conflict or relationship complexities. Essentially, not all cupcakes and roses:p I want to write about what my one word is for 2016, when I chose it, and how I'm going to use it to reframe my thoughts and actions so I can be a better self, wife, mama, daughter, sister, friend, professional and overall human being. I want to write about how my daughter wrote me a beautiful note with misspellings but so much wiser beyond her years, how it gave me pause and how it was a wakeup call that I was not doing things as well as I thought I was. And, shockingly enough, although it was something I have been fixated on for years, it was sort of an almost afterthought it this rambling of things I want to make sure to write about - I finally, finally reached my weight goal. How it happened and how I feel now. I must say that even though it was the last thing I thought about it when it came to things I want to write about in my blog, this was incredibly hard, and even though I am by no means a skinny minny (I will always be curvy unless I get very ill), I feel healthy and good, inside and out. Guess I should get started writing, right? Well, the 30 minutes that I took to write this has now eaten into my morning schedule and I'm now a half hour behind in getting myself, The Bun and The Bean ready. I'll leave you (well, really ME b/c this blog is read by only me) w/ two things that have captured perfectly what I struggle with on a daily basis. I know I'm not the only one but I can only speak for myself. There's a video of Jada Pinkett Smith that has gone viral b/c she talks about the challenges of finding balance in taking care and being responsible for herself, her husband and her children as well as fulfilling her dreams while helping her children and husband fulfill their dreams. It is a very good video and what she said spoke to me. http://omeleto.com/219456/ It also reminded me of an interview that really resonated w/ me regarding a woman CEO saying women can't have it all. And that you have to cope, know you are doing your best, or you will die of guilt. So I thought I would repost that article, in case anyone else, man or woman, struggles with balance. When I posted it on FB, some of my friends thought it was depressing. I found it to be the opposite. It made me feel that if this incredibly intelligent and successful woman is struggling, I don't feel so terrible about struggling with this, too. http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/07/why-pepsico-ceo-indra-k-nooyi-cant-have-it-all/373750/