This one was really easy

I'm grateful for being able to spend my latest birthday in one of my most favorite places in the world with some of my most favorite people in the world.

It's not the best photo but it has all of in it with a hazy background of where we are. 

I loved Hawaii the first time I stepped foot on Oahu in 2001. I couldn't believe that I hadn't known how amazing this place was until I was 21 years old. I had childhood neighbors from HI, friends who vacationed in HI, but I was not the least bit interested until I went on a girls' trip with a college friend and absolutely fell in love with a place. I think the only two other places I loved as much were the Philippines (there is something magical about being with family and appreciating your ancestral land) and Washington (Sister loved it and showed me all the places she loved therefore I also loved it).  

I credit Hawaiian culture for helping me love my tanned skin and be more accepting of my body type. As proud as I am of being Filipino, colorism is an issue and so is weight. Growing up, I had wished I had lighter skin and really wished that I was underweight. Even at a size 4, I remember going to the Philippines and my relatives calling me curvy. Dancing hula, being immersed in Hawaiian culture and visiting Hawaii helped me appreciate how beautiful tan skin can be and also how all types of bodies can exist on a beach. To be fair, that's not just a Filipino issue, for the longest time America celebrated skinniness (let's face it, still does) so it felt like everywhere I turned, my type was not considered beauty. And I love that HI refuses to be colonized and bucks that belief in every which way. 

I visited Hawaii every year for several years (some years on Oahu, a few on Maui). The Man and I got married on Oahu, honeymooned on Kauai, and then the visits became less frequent after having two children. I've always wanted to go to the Big Island as it was the only inhabitable Hawaiian island I hadn't visited and we were able to make it happen this year. And it is the very first time I've ever celebrated a birthday in Hawaii. 

It felt pretty special to do this. We also stayed in an AirBnB for the first time in Hawaii and ohmigerd, it has made all the difference. Being in one hotel room with one bathroom has felt extra tight now that Bun is a teenager and Bean is basically the size of one. The Man found a beautiful home high up on the hills with incredible views.

My view as I wrote in my journal

Normally I don't like being so far from the water because I love the ease of stepping out of a hotel room and being minutes from the beach. But the quiet, privacy, and peace we have here, along with the convenience of two bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms (I cannot stress enough how this is a game changer), kitchen, living room ... basically, a whole house to ourselves with beautiful ocean views from most rooms in this house is extraordinary. I feel absolutely blessed. 

I see that my kids prefer having the beach more accessible and restaurants and shops being in walking distance. But they see the positives in what we are experiencing (having their own bedroom and a massive bathroom is a gigantic plus) and are happily along for the ride. Well, Bun is having to do a lot of homework for independent study and has requested we not take a vacation during school. The Man & I wanted to give it a go because travel and room/board is so expensive when schools are on break but won't be doing it again because we feel bad for the kiddos.

With all the health and housing issues my mom is going through (that would be many posts and has been many therapy sessions) and my role at work somewhat in question (boo to funding issues), I was having a hard time looking forward to this trip even though I had really been wanting to go. But things going as they were leading up to this trip were very stressful. And it felt like one of the worst times to possibly go. But then my mom's housing situation was solved, her health was somewhat steady, and it seemed that my job was hanging in the balance a bit less. 

And now we're here. And it's beautiful. And I'm one year older, in relatively good health, with my absolutely lovely family. Life feels good right now. 

Gratitude, continued

 After my last entry, I wrote in my paper journal an entry about my daughter. Then I skipped a day. But I'm back! And here to thank ... my junior high best friend, T. I've known her since I was 11 years old and she was 12. We weren't best friends back then. More like frenemies. We called each other friends but sometimes weren't very good friends to each other at all. We stayed friends throughout junior high and up through high school. And then we found ourselves being best friends our senior year. 

We stayed close after graduation and then she got married while I went to university. We still stayed close though she moved to Washington and then Colorado. As life would have it, we drifted apart. Then she moved back to California and we drifted our way back to each other again. But our kids were different ages so we stayed in contact but not very closely. And then, in 2013 (I remember because I started a job in Oakland and we met up just down the street from it), we decided we would try to do weekly hikes. And we've been meeting up ever since. Those hikes occurred while I was great with pregnancy (I remember because I thought there were times where I would have to tell her to just leave me behind), family deaths, other tragedies and hardships in our lives and everything in between. Hikes became knitting sessions, then pole fitness classes, and always coffee dates in between. We have talked about trivial things, important things, heart breaking things. She has attended my dad's funeral, listened to me sob about my sister, be frustrated about my mom's declining health and everything in between. We've gone to a women's spiritual retreat, more pole fitness classes, and many other things. 

T is a soul sister. She sees the positive in life and will hold my hand while we bemoan the negatives. I am grateful for this friendship that has gotten bigger when I needed it to and hopefully it's done the same for her. 

Gratitude over Anxiety

 That's what I'm going for. I was talking to my therapist yesterday about all the anxiety I have from the uncertainty of work and care for my mom. I won't into details but who wouldn't be worried when it comes to their livelihood and the care of an elderly parent with a host of serious medical issues? I feel on edge, not quite drowning but certainly overwhelmed. It affects my sleep and perhaps it's easier to call it anxiety than depression. I don't know. 

So we talked for a bit about this constant dread because it was affecting how I felt about life and not celebrating or enjoying the good moments. Because it felt that impending doom was around the corner. Dark and dramatic, perhaps, but we're still dealing with grief remember? She suggested focusing on gratitude, worrying that it might seem trivial or condescending when she said it but I assured her that I was on board. That I had done it before but, for whatever reason, I strayed away from it and wrote down all my worries. And that's probably why I didn't look forward to journaling and avoided it for days. Then weeks. Then months. 

What am I grateful for today? I will highlight my son, The Bean. A friend offered to help pack up my mom's room at her old facility when I found it was abruptly closing. This is a dear friend who is typically reliable. Well, she had to cancel last minute for a not-so-great reason (though I value her telling me the truth) and I had already told staff that I would be coming so would have felt bad for cancelling. They had to be mildly inconvenienced to let me in so I felt obligated to follow through. I was already feeling a sort of way with having to do this chore, feeling guilty that I hadn't seen my mom in a few days and now feeling put out that a friend cancelled. I asked Bean if he would come with me. I could tell he was not excited, as he had chores to do specifically on Wednesday and he was also hungry. But he looked at how disappointed I was in being cancelled on and with almost no hesitation (it was probably a second or two), Bean said he would help me. I told him thanks, eat a snack while I picked up his sister, and be ready to go in 10 minutes. 

My boy is 11 years old and very much the baby of the family. Look, I was the baby of the family so I know the role well. Unlike me at his age, though, he has more chores and more expectations put upon him in terms of helping around the house. So we drive to my mom's former facility, dark and cold outside, and without any complaints he packs as efficiently and neatly as he can. And by golly, he did a solid job. It wasn't like having another adult with me but it was far better than me doing it by myself. He was such a sport about it and I was the one to call it quits for us rather than him asking if we could stop. I had promised him McDonalds on the way home (a rare treat) and gave him the $10 we found in one of my mom's jacket pockets. 

I'm grateful to have a son who chose to help his mama out even though he was tired from school, hungry, and had a schedule his brain had already committed to (like my daughter and me, we like to know and stick to a schedule, especially when it comes to chores. Hi, I'm the tree, meet my apple.) My kids are their own personalities even though my husband and I see flickers of us in them. And Bean is someone who is the baby of the family, doesn't like to be inconvenienced, and won't necessarily be a martyr - again, also the baby of the family and totally get it. And yet ... he is very loving and giving, particularly when he thinks someone needs help and he can do it. I don't think I give him enough credit for this. So today I am very grateful for my baby boy.

They say you should journal every day

 ... and I have the best intentions to do just that but when I think about putting my pen to paper (journal), I'd rather go on a social media app, a pop culture website or just about anything else. So I'm wondering if unearthing my blog will inspire me to write a bit more. It's certainly faster to get my thoughts out this way.

So, I have been wanting to switch careers but stay in the nonprofit sector FOR YEARS. I just wasn't sure what it looked like. I wasn't interested in being an executive director or CEO but I also did not want to stay in fundraising, I was burnt out. I planned on seriously searching for a new job a month after I graduated. I started putting feelers out, asking for informational interviews with former colleagues, former supervisors, and my greater professional network. I thought about teaching, though I intentionally did not pursue a PhD because I didn't want to teach and research. But I figured why not see. But I continued to only be approached for fundraising positions. 

Then my Sister had her catastrophic stroke. And I could hardly function personally or professionally lives. And then my mom's physical and cognitive health was declining. Again, I felt like I was underwater. I dreaded waking up because I knew it was going to be another day of obstacles. I wasn't suicidal but I surely wasn't joyful. I had been invited to take part in a Women of Color Leadership Fellowship and instead of networking or working out a career plan, I was pouring out my soul and feeling like I was unprofessional because I couldn't stop crying. But it felt like I was dealing with something with my mom just about every day. Whether it was her falling, or forgetting her purse, or not making it to her doctors' appointments. I felt like I was responsible for so much. 

So I stayed. I stayed at the job that felt secure even though it was severely flawed. There was security with being with the devil you knew. I mean, it wasn't awful and it surely wasn't the worst place I had worked at, I just knew that it wasn't challenging me in a good way and I certainly wasn't using the education I obtained. It was a decent enough environment, I was fairly compensated, and the flexibility of a hybrid schedule was probably my most favorite aspect of the job. 

I won't go into details but this job eventually became insecure. The stress of not making the organization's fundraising goals got to leadership and there were poor decisions being made. And even though I should have been "safe", I wasn't and I quickly learned my job was unjustly on the line. I updated my resume and actively applied like it was my second job (it was.) This search was a long five month process, and many interviews, often times with the same organization, they just had a lengthy, multi-interview application process! It came down to two jobs I liked most. One was in fundraising but with a world renown institution and promised to view fundraising in a completely different light than any other organization I'd been part of. And the other was a Chief of Staff role with a small local church doing audacious things in the community. Almost two years after I graduated, I was in a career changing role.