Self diagnosed addictive personality

Only when it comes to certain things. Which is why this is entirely speculation and a self-diagnosis.
My Kindle is an oldie but goodie. Yes, my Kindle is from pre-iPad days making it one overpriced mother effer. Seriously.

But I can't really complain because my Kindle was a baby shower gift from my Mama. (My Mama is one generous lady. Thanks, Ma!) I'm only annoyed on behalf of my Mama because it was really insulting for Amazon to charge so much now that we know how far $500 can really go (ah-hmm, say what you will about Apple but they really kicked Amazon in the tail.) Oh well, lesson learned.
I do still use my old Kindle, though! While we have an iPad, it's used mainly by The Man. I tend to use my work PC laptop or my iPhone. The Kindle makes an appearance now and then but I usually have to tuck it away because I have this fault. If I really like I book, I can't put it down. I know, many people have this issue. But it can get in the way. I will be up until 2 or 3 in the morning just so I can finish a book and find out how it ends. I know, it's just plain silly. But it's a huge reason why I put it away and don't read for a while. The Kindle revolutionized the way we read! Before, we would have to buy a book at the bookstore or check it out of the library. Now we can download a book in less than a minute. The accessibility to new-to-you literature is mind-blowing. And can be very distruptive to a person's schedule when the person is like me and has to finish the book.
So my dear Kindle has been in my bedside table for quite some time. Until I gave in to the masses and read The Hunger Games.

What a great book. I really liked it. So much more than Twilight (not winning any points with you literary snobs, am I?) I finished it one day so that night, before I went to sleep, I downloaded the second book so I could read it as soon as I woke up:

It was a blessing and a curse that I was not disappointed. Usually I lose interest in a main female character and it's because, unfortunately and typically, the character turns out to be helpless or indecisive. I can't stand that. But all the characters remain strong, including the lead female character. Love that.
Using all my control and frankly, it helped that I was ODed on books after a weekend, I decided that I was going to wait through the work week until April 1st to download the last book of the trilogy. A big reason why I decided to wait was because I was eligible through Amazon Prime to check out a book for free at the beginning of each month. Oh, Amazon, there you go winning me back again. You're just too amazing for me to stay away.
So yesterday I downloaded the final book:

I started reading around 8 PM and got done at about 1 AM. That's right. I just had to finish it. HAD TO FINISH! As I continued reading I knew that I should stop. The book would be waiting for me! But no, I just had to find out the ending and was soooo tired this morning.
This is why I don't read as much as I used to. Well, this and because I have a 2 year old daughter.
But I'm glad I got caught up in The Hunger Games frenzy. These really are good books and I highly recommend them! They are entertaining, easy, yet smart and well-developed.
(Although, who am I really encouraging to read these? I'm probably one of the last people to read the series!)

I wish I could be every woman

The perfect wife, the perfect mama and the perfect career woman. Oh yes, and the perfect sister, relative, and friend. Alas, that is impossible. But one of the things (one of the MANY things but I'm a realistic person) I want to be better about is cooking more for my family. By cooking I mean easy recipes or uncomplicated slow cooker recipes.
I have found some awesome bloggers on the internet who buy ingredients for the meals at the beginning of each week and share these menus on their blog. Love that. Why? Because most of them are busy women so they don't choose meals that take a lot of time but they are tasty and somewhat healthy. Sweet.
I don't promise to share what I'm cooking each week because, again, I'm realistic. But this is what I  planned this week:

http://www.campbellkitchen.com/RecipeDetail.aspx?recipeId=50684 (I liked this OK. I might make it again but it wasn't a favorite.)
Thai Lettuce Wraps:

http://www.colleenandkeith.com/2011/09/thai-beef-cabbage-cups.html (Her recipes are usually straight forward and very tasty! I just subbed the cabbage for lettuce because I like that better. I've made this many times and it IS a favorite. Thanks, Colleen!)

http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/2008/12/crockpot-lobster-bisque.html (I've made this before and liked it. The lobster tails make this a pricey meal but it's good every once in a while. And super easy! This is a treat for this weekend.)
At work, we're having a potluck and I think I'm making this tonight:

http://www.americastestkitchen.com/recipes/detail.php?docid=19363 (They really are the best blueberry muffins I've ever had. Yum!)

OR I'll make this:

(Sorry, no online recipe. Got it from a friend!)

I also made taco salads earlier at the beginning of the week. That was super easy - ground turkey meat with taco seasoning, shredded lettuce, shredded cheese, low-fat sour cream and sliced avacados. I'm not a fan of tomatoes but that would have been good with it.

Anyway, as I mentioned, these kind of posts will be far and few between but I thought I'd share:)

Time for a change

Decided to change it up a bit. I debated paying for a personalized blogger template because I love the blogs that have photos of the writer in the header. I even got a quote. But it was a little pricey and I think The Man would find it frivolous. Plus I'm not blogging for income so I'd feel a little guilty making a somewhat big purchase just for my personal viewing pleasure. I haven't completely ruled it out but this will do for now.
I dug around and this is what I came up with. Wish I had taken a screen shot of my blog's old appearance just so I could remember but what's done is done.
I think I also needed to reinvigorate this blog to reignite my interest in writing so hopefully this does the trick. Blogs have certainly captured my interest again because I've found great hair and makeup tutorials along with really good recipes. And by really good I mean super easy and, often times, calling for the use of a slow cooker:)
Here's to seven more years of journaling my life - my family and friends, my mishaps, my dreams, my crazy situations and all the memories I don't want to forget.

A remarkable photo I had to share

Please read my prior post so you know where I was and in what weather. Then check this out:

One of my FB friends wrote that this looked like one of those mayhem commercials by All State Insurance.
Thank goodness no one was hurt. Kind of a miracle considering how crowded this part of San Francisco is with both drivers and pedestrians. After this tree fell, a portion of Columbus was closed for hours. What's also freaky is I drove down this street moments before when the tree was still up and there was no indication that this was going to happen! I was looking for parking and was jealous of all those people that managed to find such good street parking.
And all I could think when we left the taped off area surrounded by police, when we were done ogling and taking photos, was that this poor Camry owner left his/her car feeling pret-ty lucky to score such awesome parking in North Beach. Dang.

PS: I am all about parking garages in the city and absolutely love them. Its worth saving me the time trying to find street parking if it's a highly congested area. Not to mistake garages for the random, unpaved parking lots. Why? The garage I parked in on North Beach was $9 for 3 hours! Random lot we passed was charging $25 flat fee. It's not always the case but I find garages a lot less and you park it yourself so no valet! Lots park cars like they're puzzle pieces and you often have to wait while they find keys and move all the cars blocking yours.

You know you are a tired Mama when ...

You love San Francisco but you love it a little less when it looks like this:

Who am I kidding? I was somewhat dreading this night even before I knew it was raining like crazy.
A dear friend from college is visiting and wanted to get together. She sent out an evite way back when to ensure we would all save the date. It's for a dinner in the city. At 8:00 PM.
This means me going from the Peninsula, where I work, to the East Bay, would be ridiculous. And The Man, while very sweet and caring, felt a little jipped when this event came around because he had been spending several weekends taking care of The Bun while I was sick. And then last weekend, we ended up spending it with my parents because my Dad is in a rehab center recovering  from knee replacement surgery. And The Man has a right to feel jipped. He hasn't had any time for himself.
Oh, and did I mention last Friday was a friend's birthday dinner? I wanted and had to go!
This is my dilemma. I go out a lot less now that I'm a Mama. Way back in my early 20s, I went out almost every weekend. That lasted two years. Typically, especially when I was in a relationship w/ my now hubby, I went out maybe twice a month with friends on the weekends and the occasion happy hour during the work week. I had hula class and practice 2x/ week. But it wasn't a big deal since I'm much more of a homebody than anything else. Then I had a baby. I've drastically reduced my gallivanting (including hobbies!) because I've got a baby to raise.
But even though I rarely go out, it's still more than The Man. Because he is a homebody and somewhat of a loner.  I'm not complaining! I love spending time with him and am glad I don't have to compete with friends. It's awesome! He is so generous and loving.
What I struggle with is that I like to be fair. I'm all about 50/50. And it's just not 50/50 because I go out with friends. I'm way more social. I like routine. So I go to yoga once a week. I go out 2x/month with friends. Do the math, this is a drop in the bucket. But, again, it is 100% more than what The Man does.
Friends tell me to stop feeling guilty. They say that it's not my fault or his fault that this can't be 50/50. It's all about preference. But I do feel guilty because he's incredibly generous and loving and I want him to have what I have. But he doesn't really want it. We tried designating a day and time for him so that, while he doesn't like group fitness classes, he could go biking or running. Or just futz somewhere outside of the house.
But it somehow didn't work out. I think because he wasn't beholden to someone else's schedule, like an instructor or a buddy, it wasn't easy for him to keep a scheduled appointment. Even though it was his schedules free time!
Anyway, this weekend is supposed to be his weekend. And I think what was the problem in the past was that he wanted to stay home but if The Bun and I were home, there was no way he could ignore us. Or hole up in a room. So I'm doing my best to take The Bun out of the house and be out for most of the day on Saturday and Sunday. He can hopefully feel like he's getting back some of his time and relax in his own home. He deserves it and I want to give this to him.
In the meantime, I'm now packing up at work and heading out. In the rain. To go to this aromatic joint:

Heaven help me. I adore my friend and know that I need to be a good friend and celebrate with her. No excuses! She came all the way out from Texas and asked for just one night for us to hang out! But I am dreading going to North Beach in this downpour. Blech.*

*And this is how I know I'm not the party gal I used to be. I loved going to San Francisco, rain or shine. Now I would much rather be home in my jammies come bedtime!

Lets start the day with an uplifting story, shall we?

My Sister shared this story on FaceBook and I had to put this up on my blog. While it is a few years old, Patrick and his dad's story is so inspirational. The love and sacrifice his father, mother, and I'm sure the rest of his family, is beautiful. In addition to being inspired, it also gives me perspective. As I get older, I truly do appreciate my life and my blessings more and more. And stories like Patrick also help me remember to be thankful and to wonder, when I face challenges, are they really that difficult? Is it really that bad? And how can I conduct myself in a manner which will only better myself and the others around me?

I know life can really stink sometimes. And I don't belittle anyone's challenges and adversities. Quite honestly, when I hear the news, I'm disgusted, disappointed and afraid of the world in which my baby is growing up. But with beautiful people in the world like Patrick and his dad, their stories reinstate the faith I have that most people are genuinely GOOD.

Futzing around with technology

This is how I decompress. I futz on the internet. Prior to FaceBook, MySpace and Friendster, I had blogs to peruse. And, of course, there are gossip sites, shopping sites, travel sites, and, really, I could find hours upon hours of things to look at and piss away my time. And now there's even more to look at! Uh, hello Pinterest?
When The Bun was an infant, it was OK for me to be on my smart phone or laptop. In fact, it was a great way to pass the time when I was breast feeding or pumping. Or when she was napping But a little over a year ago, The Man called me out. Rightfully so. He said he made it a point to not be on his iPod Touch or iPad when spending time with The Bun and he thought I should do the same. This ensured we had quality time with her. I fully agreed. I made it a point to not be on my laptop. But man, does that smart phone make it easy for me to slip up!
Here's the thing. I'll hear an email alert. Or, when checking the time, I'll see a notification on my FB app. Or one of my other apps. Or I'll receive a text message. Or, and I also trick myself into doing this, I'll take a photo, upload it to FB and then want to read the comments. Full addict confession: One thing leads to another and there I am, browsing the internet or scrolling down my FaceBook page.
I feel so guilty! There isn't much time to have QUALITY time with the Bun. I mean, we already have the TV distracting her, we're both working parents so our weekdays are cut short. So on the weekends, what is my bloody excuse?
In addition to putting it out there that I need to lose those last 5 lbs (I have been hovering between 5 and 7 pounds for months and have been too ashamed to post it on FB), I shall also declare on my blog that I will be stricter with myself and limit my iPhone futzing time to the bare minimum when The Bun is around. I mean, as soon as she goes to bed, The Man and I are already jumping on our electronic devices! Why can't I show some restraint when she's around? She deserves a Mama who is giving her full & undivided attention. Well, that's a lot to ask since we don't live in a bubble but how about a Mama who is focused on her and not the internet?
 I already don't talk on the phone unless it's neccessary. I will allow myself to answer texts and important emails. I just need to make sure that I don't get lured by my apps' notification features. I can do this!
(And, dammit, I can lose those last 5 lbs! For crap's sake, I am below pre-baby weight and wedding weight. I would just like to be at the weight I was when I met The Man. It's a reasonable goal since I've weighed less than that when we were dating. I just know that my goal weight is attainable. If I can just get TO IT.)

Crap, we're losing an hour

Sleep is a valuable commodity in our household. We take it VERY seriously.
So much so that we put The Bun to bed at 6 PM this evening to prep for the time change.
Mmm-hmmm, seriously.
Lately, she has been grumpy when I wake her up around 7:30 AM. (and she is positively upset on those days when I have to wake her up earlier.) That's about 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep for her. Yet I'm usually waking her up rather than her already awake, waiting for her day to start. This makes her grumpy.
It's taken me weeks to figure this out but I think The Bun needs more sleep. Serious. Because, on the weekends, we let her sleep in an hour or two more and she is a lot happier in the morning.
So we decided to bump her bedtime up a half hour. We will do this tomorrow night.
With the time change, heaven help us. Shouldn't be a big deal but, as I mentioned, sleep is like gold in our home. Nay, like platinum! But a Happy Bun makes for a happier morning so I think, in the end, it's going to better for us.

Latest obsession: Makeup. How old am I, anyway?!

I'm acting like a school girl. Lately I've been fixated on makeup. Specifically, eye makeup. I've even started a little section on this blog to link to other blogs that talk about fashion and makeup.
I know exactly when it started. It was mid-February and I was really upset that my favorite mascara was discontinued. [If you could give two craps about makeup, you'll want to skip this paragraph. Or this whole entry, for that matter.] I didn't wear much makeup - foundation (Bare Escentuals Bare Minerals & Mineral Veil), blush, and mascara. The two I never leave home without is my foundation and mascara. So having my Clinique Waterproof Mascara discontinued rocked my world.
"You've got to be kidding me," you say. I wish. My eyelashes are fickle son-of-a-biscuits. Not only are they straight but they actually point downward. So I curl them. The thing is, most mascaras are too wet and straighten out the curl and I'm stuck with straight lashes. I found that I needed waterproof because it was usually tacky but the only one that really kept the curl was Clinique Waterproof Mascara.
When I learned it had been discontinued, I lamented in a FaceBook status update. That's when I got all sorts of suggestions. Having been disappointed by many drugstore mascaras in the past (and drugstores having poor return policies), I decided to buy the Lancome Hypnose. For $26. Which was nearly double what I paid for my old mascara. And THAT'S when I became obsessed with eye makeup. Drugstore makeup. Why? Because, while I make a decent living, the following (but not limited to) deplete my income: day care, necessities for a 2 year old, property taxes, minivan payments, care for 2 pups, groceries, utility bills, and more. Sadly, I'm not even the bread winner. The Man pays a little bit more in our household bills. I can't invest in nor am I interested in high-falutin' makeup. Thus my fascination with drugstore makeup. Especially after all the online research I've done which resulted in me finding fashion editors, writers and bloggers stating that there are many high quality drugstore makeup products on the market now. Right on, right on.
In the past month, I have bought four types of eyeliner, BB Cream, eye primer,three brushes, two lip glosses and concealer. The only reason I haven't bought mascara, what started this all, is because I am determined to use my $26 mascara until it is all done. Then I'll try drugstore mascara!
 My internet searches in finding the best rated drugstore eye makeup also led me to "how to" videos on YouTube. I've always wanted to wear eyeliner but was intimidated so I hardly ever wore it. And, if I did, I would painstakingly put it in only to have people tell me later that they never knew I was wearing any. I wore brown so that it was subtle. Evidently, it was extremely subtle.
For the past week, I've worn what I think is much more dramatic eyeliner every day and, although I'm not content with how it looks just yet, I figured I should keep practicing until it's perfect.
Obsessed, I tell you.
It sounds silly to get all worked up from having my mascara discontinued. But I think there's a bigger picture. See, I completely identified with one of the bloggers I now follow (she's #14) who described herself as, "A new mommy working on getting her sexy back." My baby is two years old. Which is about how long it took for me to get to prebaby weight. And, frankly, I hadn't felt sexy in a very long time. Probably three years. Because I wasn't one of the fortunate women who felt sexy while pregnant. Three years is a long time to not feel the least bit attractive. A friend said it may also have to do with breastfeeding. She said that it was really hard for her to feel sexy while she was bfeeding because she felt like a cow. Reflecting, I think it was probably the weight, the working boobs and lack of sleep that lent to my feelings of unattractiveness.
But now I care. I don't feel like I have to put on makeup, rather, it makes me feel better and I like that I'm finally trying to master something I was uncomfortable with. Sounds so silly but I had always been intimidated by eyeliner and I'm excited that I finally figured out which products I like (if you're curious, it's Prestige pencil eyeliner and Wet n Wild creme eyeliner) and I think that I will eventually perfect an eyeliner technique very soon.
I'm telling you. Like a schoolgirl, for crap's sake. But I don't care. I like it. It's an inexpensive way for me to feel more attractive. Meow.

13 hours of OH. MY. GAWD.

Look how cute and inconspicuous it is

I have this really cool app on my iPhone. It's attractive, fun and, best of all, it does what I want it to do. It tracks my lady time. It also estimates when I'm ovulating and fertile. Now that I'm not on birth control, I have no way of tracking my Power Week. [Insert Superman theme, if you will.]
Really, it's too darn cute. There is a banner held up by butterflies which floats serenely across the screen (how could it not be serene?) that reads, "Period Day 3" or "10 days until Period" or whatever it may be. I showed The Man after telling him all this because he thinks I sometimes get too excited over nothing or I'm easily amused (to be fair, I am) and, after seeing it, he replied, "It really is a very nice app!"
I don't lead folks astray.
Anyway, I don't look at it very often. In fact, this past Monday, I thought to myself, "Hmm, am I late? Because I could swear that I should have my period by now." I opened my handy app because, after all, this is its purpose, and saw the banner held by butterflies float across the screen with the writing, "5 days late."
Say what?
SAY WHAT?
My heart flip-flopped. I know that we were planning for this. I mean, this was why I no longer took birth control, right? Letting nature take its course, right? Sure. But HOLY CRAP. We did it. Again.
I, of course, sprinted straight to The Man and shoved my phone in his face and yelled, "I'm late!" Let me just say that yet again, I failed to present him with this kind of big news in a thoughtful and creative manner. I always mean to and even daydream of how I would do it. But no, I just damn near smack him over the head with it. Like this.
Anyway, I saw his face as he processed the information. First wondering if I meant I was late for an appointment. Or a play date I had scheduled way back when. Then I saw his expression change from puzzled to a face of joy.
"Right on!"
Yes, that's definitely a statement you want to hear from your significant other. On the other hand, this is what I was saying:
"Oh my gawd, what are we going to do? How are we going to sleep? How am I going to sleep?? I'm the one who can't sleep! How am I going to get two kids ready in the morning and myself and get them to day care or their grandparents AND get to work????"
I kid you not, I was shaking.
Being a parent is a complicated thing. You want it. It's awesome. It's rewarding. Yet it is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
I couldn't sleep that night. My mind raced, thinking of how I would manage it all. What's my game plan? I know that we can do it but how will we do it? I'm a planner. I can't control a lot but I will prepare everything I possibly can.
Then I got my period the next morning.
I was disappointed. Sure, I had worried all through the night but we did it! We were going to have a baby.  For roughly 13 hours, I thought I was going to bring a baby into this world in less than a year. I thought about doctors' appointments, eating better, preparing The Bun, all that stuff.
But it's OK. It's not our time yet. And the lesson to be learned from all this? You really should download the app. It's pretty cool.

Love

I don't need no stinkin' Valentine's Day to feel the love.
It does, however, remind me how blessed I am. Here's the thing. I know myself. I'm happier in a relationship. I'm terrible at getting out there and I'm awful at dating. But I also would rather be by myself than be in a relationship for the mere sake of having someone. I was a late bloomer - I didn't date in high school and then I was in two serious, long-term relationships. Since my current relationship is the second one, and since this year will mark a decade with The Man, one would argue that I've never been by myself or only very briefly. But I have, for the first 17 years in my life and roughly two years between my two serious relationships.
This is why I count myself blessed. I know how hard it is to find a person. And as someone who doesn't believe in games, or in complicated, torrid yet romantic relationships, I very well could still be single if I hadn't met The Man. Because he has taught me a lot. Our relationship has taught me a lot. A few gems:
1. Love isn't complicated.
I don't care what anyone says. You figure out a way to uncomplicate it. You stop seeing other people. You don't keep other relationships that would enable you to cheat. You make time if you really want to make time. You truly can figure it out. And if it's that complicated, is it real love? Because very rarely is it the two of you against the world. It's you two against each other that makes it heart breaking and exhausting.
2. Falling in love is easy. It's staying in love that take work.
Love takes a lot of effort whereas falling in love can almost be effortless. Love takes patience, consideration, forgiveness and a plethora of other things that require you to rise above and be a better person. You have to figure out how to be content without taking the person or your relationship for granted. This is pretty tricky and, honestly, I work on this constantly. Why? Because love takes work! Like how I brought it back to my hypothesis?
3. When you're in love, the person still turns you on & simultaneously melts your heart years later
I'm hoping that this stands the test of time. I think The Man is quite hubba-hubba and after all these years, he still floats my boat. I still sometimes look at him and am amazed I captured his interest because he surely could have had anyone. He's smart, kind, handsome and successful. Come to find out, he's an excellent family man, too. I am over-the-moon in love with The Man.
So, on this overrated holiday, these are my thoughts about love. It's uncomplicated but it takes a lot of work. And if it's true, it's for life.

I'm not as granola as I thought.

Yoga is my outlet. Especially nowadays because my free time is limited and I've had to narrow my choices down. I go about once a week. I wish I could go twice but I take what I can get.
My point: My one class a week is precious to me. I know, I know, yoga is all about peace, love, harmony, acceptance and anything else good and loving. And I usually leave class feeling like I want to give a big bear hug to the earth because I feel one with the universe. (It's true.)
But when something disrupts my practice, I get irritable. I mean, really irritable. Quite frankly, there is this huge internal battle going on in my head. I'm upset because this time is extremely precious to me - I am doing one of my favorite things with one of my favorite teachers in my favorite studio. It's damn near perfect. But the perfection is disrupted by a hostile invasion. Well, just about any invasion is hostile which is why I'm irritable. Anyway, the other side of me, the yogini who wants to be loving and accepting, is upset with my irritable side for being upset. I mean, how hypocritical of me! Acceptance means to be accepting of everything because aren't we all striving for the same goal? To have a beautiful moment through yoga? Isn't this a semi-public space? (Open to all but you do have to pay.) Aren't we about peace and harmony???
Let me set up the picture for you.
I try to arrive 5 to 10 minutes early because the class fills up. I'm somewhat a creature of habit and like a certain spot in the room. I also like my space. What I like about my studio, and hope doesn't change, is that there is usually enough room for everyone without having to be so close are mats touch. I don't need too much personal space but I can't have the person next to me sweat on my mat. Feel free to refer to this entry if you need a refresher about my feelings on bodily fluids. I also like being close to the mirror so I can check if my alignment or poses are off. I know, I know, some yoga buffs think mirrors are for vanity and maybe they are but I think they're great for self-correcting, too.
Anyhoo.
My instructor promptly started the class on time and three minutes into it, I see HIM walk in. Keep in mind, I wouldn't even focus on or judge him except he, in just a few seconds, will greatly affect my yoga experience. HIM. This slender, decent looking guy who strutted in the class a few minutes late. He was without a shirt and wearing tie-die snug yoga pants. Not too snug but obviously meant for some serious yoga. OK. The shirt thing - well, I do have a preconceived notion about those who come into class shirtless or wearing a sports bra (cocky moh fohs) but I try to keep it in check. My instructor taped me on the shoulder and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt you but could you make room for _____?" (I forgot his name but, to be nice, I probably wouldn't put it in this entry, anyway.)
I begrudgingly made room. As I shift over, I have an obstructed view of the mirror. Damn. Dude rolled out his mat and joined us in downward dog. I should state that he looks like a poster boy for Vegan-ism. What does that look like? Well, I know Vegans. And they don't necessarily look like Dude. But he is what I imagine a Vegan would look like. Very Berkeley-esque. Huh?? If you're a Northern Californian, I could probably stop there. But let me go into further detail for you other folks. He had rumpled hair and he was very natural looking. He kind of looked like he just rolled out of bed. Since he was shirtless, I could see that he had hair on his chest as well as his back. And the tie-dye yoga pants just sort of sealed the deal.
So he went into downward dog. I instantly smelled a smell. Not pungent but definitely body odor. If you don't know what I mean, you are blessed. It wasn't like he was homeless but I don't know when Dude took his last shower. Or perhaps he just didn't believe in deodorant. Don't get me started on the whole "believing" thing. Either you use it or you don't. There's nothing to believe in. It exists! In any case, his natural smell easily wafted over to my mat.
Awesome.
But then CHECK THIS OUT. A couple minutes later, I was accosted by the smell of spicy sausage. Wait. WHAT??? No, that must have been accident. Wait, did it just happen again?! Did someone eat a polish sausage right before class? Oh-hell-to-the-no.
Obviously it was presumptuous of me to conclude that Dude was a Vegan. I honestly don't care if you are or are not. Unless you are affecting my restaurant choices because we're eating together. But you dared to eat spicy sausage before a Yoga class and now are burping?????? You strut in late, shirtless and aromatic, force me to move my mat over and are now overwhelming my sense of smell???? How DARE YOU.
Oh yes. Dude proceeded to intermittently expel silent but deadly burps throughout the entire yoga class. I never knew when I was going to be accosted by the spicy sausage smell or the light BO smell.
Ruined. My yoga class was ruined.
The love and peace side chastised my conservative with thoughts like, "Did he ruin it or did you ruin your experience because you refused to simply ignore and move past this challenge? Maybe you're too conservative and uptight." I tried! I promise I really tried!!! I was within two feet of someone with body order and spicy sausage burps!!!!!
When I came home, The Man said he could instantly tell that something went awry in class. When I told him, he sympathized and agreed that those challenges were simply too hard to ignore.
I see the humor. Which is why I'm sharing it with you. But dammit if my yoga practice didn't get bamboozled by a hairy, unpleasant smelling, spicy sausage-lovin' yogi.

A long time coming.

The Bun is about to be introduced to a tradition. One of my most favorite traditions, actually. Up there with Christmas. It started here, here and here. That's right, Girls' Trip! Way better than Girls' Night Out ;) Our third dearest friend joined us the second time because, while it was for a wedding, we arrived early so we could have some quality friend time. Then I got married, thus our third one but, unlike my friend's wedding, I didn't have a lot of time to hang out with friends :(  Then there was my last Girls' Trip with them in 2009 before my planned pregnany w/ The Bun.
I've missed two more trips due to being a mom and/or insufficient funds. But my two girlfriend made me and another girlfriend, who has never gone with us, promise that 2012 would be our year. All four of us would go. I made the lofty promise of going and bringing The Bun w/ me. When it was time to plan, I thought about going back on this promise. I knew that I would get little sleep and it wouldn't be relaxing. Although one of my friends also had a child she's going to bring, who is less than a year old, I figured she could strap her kid on her back versus me who will have to be in the hotel room by 7:00 PM.
I underestimated my friends.
They planned to rent a condo so that the moms with kids could comfortably lounge with everyone else in the safety of our condo versus two us being holed up in a room w/ bebes while the other two went out gallivanting. In addition to attempting to have the four of us have our own room, they were working their hardest to have a champagne vacation on a Budweiser budget.
Bless their hearts, they pretty much did.
So The Bun will be attending her first Girls' Trip this year. And I, after a three year hiatus, will be joining my girlfriends. I am so excited. One of our goals (in addition to having lots of fun, relaxing and making tons of awesome memories) is to get The Bun & Baby hooked so they look forward to Girls' Trips too! Well, the less-than-one-year-old baby may not remember a lick. But we can work on The Bun.

I thought it would be easier than tying my shoe laces

It's about to get real for a second.
I thought we would get pregnant the nano-second I was off birth control. I mean, when I got pregnant w/ The Bun, we were extremely lazy in our efforts. He basically looked at me and *boop!* I was pregnant.
It's been a few months now yet no double lines. If you've ever had a scare or been trying, you know what that means.
I don't know how to feel. I'm disappointed but not devestated. Just wondering, though, if things have changed down there. (Told you, R-E-A-L.) The Man isn't worried but is kind of surprised that the oven is still vacated.
I'm happy, though. Really happy with life:) I'm also a planner so this has thrown a wrench in my timeline. Hmm.

You know, I won an award for this.

I don't know if I've ever shared this but I won an award in graduate school. Best Writing in my graduate program, son. Ya' heard.
OK, OK, I'm 100% certain there are errors in just about every entry I've written. But it's true, I was awarded Best Writing way back when. I knew I was a decent to good writer but not confident enough to ever enter a competition. It was only because of one of the professors reviewing my graduate project recommended I submit an excerpt from my project. So I did. And I won.
I write less and less as the years go by. I used to write for one of my past jobs - grants, print materials, proposals. But now I hardly write. All I really have is this blog.
I think most people blog because they like to write. It's an opportunity to freely share one's thoughts and express oneself to the whole wide world through the world wide web.
I've missed writing. I worry that, just like most skills, it's something I've lost over time because I haven't practiced. Do you know I knew APA style like the back of my hand? OK, not that well but pret-ty well. Now I don't remember if I put the period before or after the parenthesis.
Know what else I miss? Having a hobby. I love yoga and am able to take a class once a week but it's hard to fit it in my schedule more than that. But this year, I'm going to express my interest and see if my studio needs my help. I'm not interested in teaching but I'd like to submerge myself more in the practice. Perhaps through writing? Maybe fund raising. Either way, I'm going to figure it out.
I'm also promising myself to write more so maybe, one day, I can win another award :)

Fallen off the wagon

I know I put it on my Facebook page but I haven't written about it for a while. In fact, this was the last time I wrote about it. I won't go into details because I don't want this entry to became an advertisement but, in short, the Dukan Diet works for me. IF I stick with it.
Of the 10 lbs I had left, I lost some more and only had four pounds to go. Then plateaued. Then I survived the holidays and somehow slipped back into bad habits. I gained a few pounds and now have to lose seven pounds. Yep, I backtracked.
It's so frustrating because the only thing truly standing in my way is ME. I know what I need to do and I know that it works. So WHY is it so hard for me to do it? And this is when I bash myself. I get mad at myself for being weak, lazy and undisciplined. But, as we all know, what good does that do? Nothing. What's that saying? Crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Or something to that effect.
OK. So this is where I change my thought process and not revert to my self destructive ways. I will go back to what has worked for me not that long ago. I will post something on FB because putting it out there somehow works for me, I will be better about planning what and when I eat, I will be more diligent about walking, yoga and working out with The Man. And I will loose these mother effin' last seven pounds.
I will.

Wrapped around her chubby little finger

The Man has a military background. He joked, when I was pregnant, that we would be all about corporal punishment. Well, I knew he was half-joking but I also know he would not stand for a bratty child. If that meant time-out, so be it. If it meant spanking, well, I don’t think he would have ruled that out.
And then she was born.
He doesn’t call her his princess (Thank goodness. I just have weird feelings about that particular nickname.) But you bet that she rules his world. Sure, The Bun melts my heart, too. But I think it may actually cause The Man pain when he sees her cry. And heaven forbid if, while she’s crying, she wails, “Daaaaaa-deeeeeee”. More often than not, he gives in.
This may alarm folks. “She’s probably a spoiled, rotten brat,” you whisper. We are blessed, people. Our daughter is not a problem child. She is actually very, very sweet. I have it on good authority from grandparents (bias), aunts, uncles & friends (semi-bias), day care (could be bias but is not) and strangers (unbias) that The Bun is one of the sweetest toddlers they’ve ever met.
For real.
If you keep up with this blog, you know that the first year was a struggle for me. I felt like I was barely holding it together but people reassured me I was fine. Later, because I’m related to and friends with some of the best people I’ve ever met, they told me that they thought The Bun was a super easy baby and that I was lucky. But they didn’t want to tell me because they didn’t want to negate my feelings AKA worrying. Instead, they were reassuring without being condescending or dismissive. (Told you, these people are keepers.)
My point is that my daughter’s easy-going nature and sweet disposition may be part nature as well as nurture. I mean, when a baby is challenging (colicky, irritable or just the opposite of “easy”), it is unfair to blame the parents. The baby is just working things out and having a damn hard time adjusting to the world after the comforts of the womb. I feel the same could be said for easy going babies. I think we lucked out because The Bun was a very even-tempered baby. But let me give credit where credit is due.
The Village. It really does take one. And mine consists of me, The Man, both grandmothers, a grandfather, and day care provider. (Shout out to the outer circle who contributed to this village and were there if needed like other relatives and very good girlfriends of mine.) Yes, we were blessed with a sweet baby right out the gate but this village nurtured that sweetness and made her the kind and loveable child she is today. These people helped so much by creating a safe environment where she could grow and flourish. Truly.
Does she have moods? Absolutely. She is a normal two year old with a temper as well as overwhelming feelings of sadness when she doesn’t get her way. At least, that’s what I think is going on when she flings herself to the ground, sobbing. But I am having more fun with her than ever before. I want to kiss her all the time and have tons of fun with her and The Man. All right, all right, I guess she has us both wrapped around her chubby little finger. I just think it takes me a little longer to crack ;)

What's a new year without a little resolution?

Some things I want to do or be in 2012.

I resolve:
- to be more loving, patient, helpful and generous to my loved ones.
Boy, this one is a doozy because it's general but it's asking a lot! I try my hardest to be all these things but, sometimes, I think I get too lazy or selfish. This means being a better wife, mother, sister, relative, and friend. I think I also want to extend it to those I don't necessarily love but deserve a better: employer, employee and even acquaintance. Such a tall order.
- to be in the moment and make time for those that I love.
Kind of similar. Time flies by so fast. LIFE just passes by in the blink of an eye. Now that I have a child, I see how the days, weeks and years just slip away. While I want to be in e moment and enjoy the now, it's a fine and difficult balance to also make sure I make the effort to be with all those that I love and appreciate. Because we aren't all here forever.
- to get to my goal weight!
Yah, yah. What would be a resolution without this? Well, I'm roughly 5 lbs away. I've lost 15 lbs (give or take 2 from "holiday happiness") and want to get to goal weight by THIS MONTH. Will power with food is not my strong point but I'm resolving, dammit!
- go to the Philippines either this year or next.
I have so much family there and haven't been for a visit since 2006. Entirely way too long ago. I've gotten married and have had a baby since then. My parents (shoot, everyone!) has gotten older and it means so much for my folks to have me & my family accompany them to the Philippines.
- stop being a weenie when it comes to The Bun.
I just blogged about this in my last entry. I worry about upsetting the delicate balance we have in our household. I don't like to go places if it means disrupting the Bun's sleep (if you lacked sleep for a year, you know why this is so important.) But I want to live life too. I don't want to make decisions because I'm scared of the unknown. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be reckless but to be "in the moment", I can't be scared. So, among other things, I want to travel with The Bun and not worry about how stressed I will be or if it's just better to stay at home than do things w/ her. Moms before me and after me have done it so why can't I? Plus I really really want to visit Sister. I miss her.

I'm sure there is more but this is quite a lot. I mean, the first one is a life long process! But I will try. Because my hippie self wants to be about love, gratitude, generosity and patience. And more yoga. Yup, I am SUCH a Californian:) HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What's the difference between graduating college & having a baby?

I swear I wrote this already but, when I looked back on my entries, I couldn't find it. So either I thought I wrote about it but didn't or I'm just a lousy researcher now.
You may or may not already know this but I have a dream about my college years at least once a week. Every time I wake up, I'm a little sad because I realize that those days are long gone. Then I feel guilty. I mean, do I wish I could go back and relive those days? Are those days the best years of my life?
Luckily, the answer is yes and NO.
Yes, I sometimes wish I could relive those days. At that time of my life, everything and anything seemed possible. I'm certain it was the most liberal, thought-provoking time in my life. But it was also a sheltered time because I wasn't worried about a mortgage, bills and health insurance. Mom and Dad were footing the bills. I was allowed to concentrate on my studies, what I wanted to become, falling in love and where I would live after graduation. Essentially, planning my adult life.
I've already written about what I would do over. I loved university life for so many reasons. In addition to what I've written already, it was the first time I felt like I belonged. Specifically, when I started taking courses in my major. College also introduced me to all types of people. This was such a breath of fresh air since high school was stifling. Who knows, maybe high school was filled with diverse people but it felt like we were all just trying to survive by hiding what made us different and just trying to be as mainstream as possible. In college, being unique was celebrated and, sometimes, the more unique the better! Within reason ;) I miss a lot of things. I miss that sheltered environment - being on the brink of the "real world" without having to deal with real world situations, I miss the incredibly liberal and thought-proking environment and I miss the diversity.
While I loved this time of my life, I'm happy to write that these were not the best years. How sad would that be? I would be pretty depressed if the best time of my life peaked in college. I love so much of my life now than ever before. I am truly in love and have found my partner in life. This is the happiest I've ever been with another person. I don't miss that feeling of loneliness, unhappiness or uncertainty when it came to love earlier in my life. I'm incredibly happy with The Man, The Bun & The Pups. I love our little household, my beautiful family and friends. I've been blessed to be surrounded by incredible people.
I think I also have a much better appreciation for those I love. I try my hardest to not take them for granted and show them the patience, love and help they deserve. I think I'm much better at prioritizing (although I could always be better) and I try extremely hard to be in the moment. Also a work in progress. But I didn't have the mindset or perhaps the maturity to think about things like that in college.
So, knowing a huge reason that I loved university life is because I loved the endless possibilities of what I could become once I graduated, why am I TERRIFIED of having another baby?
Yes, yes, it is old news that I'm open to having another baby. After two-going-on-three years of being adamantly against it, I am embracing the thought of having another child. But that doesn't stop me fretting over the unknown. But what's great about having a blog is being able to reflect. And, because I'd like to think I'm also self-aware, I know that that's my thing. I am somewhat of an anxious person. I am a worrywart. I worry about how our schedules will change once The Bun has to start going to school. Or if her day care provider or grandparents can't take care of her anymore. Of course, I also worry at the thought of trying to balance my already chaotic life with another child in it. I worry about basically anything upsetting the harmonious balance we have right now. But, as we all know, anything can happen. People can get sick. One of us can get laid off. Life happens. So why can't I embrace the unknown the way I could when I was graduating college?
Thought-provoking stuff, huh? ;)
That's how I'm going to think about life moving forward. Not just about children but any change, in general. I mean, I'm sure I'm romanticizing my college years. I know I freaked the eff out back then, as well. But, in the spirit of living in the moment and living without regret, I'm going to embrace the unknown. Because, as I get older, I have become more anxious (if that's possible) about change. Change & the unknown mean having no control. And that scares the bajeezus out of me. But, that's no way to live. That's not how I want to live.
Love and gratitude. That's how I want to be and how I want to live life. And yes, I think I'm turning into a big ol' hippie.

How is it almost three days until Christmas??

As soon as Thanksgiving rolled around, I pulled out the Christmas decorations. I paced myself but decorations were up by the second week of December. I created a Christmas gift list and completed 90% of it by mid-December. I also had greeting cards out around the same time. I made a TON of cookie dough the first week of December so all I would have to do is take them out of the freezer and stick in the oven.
Then I got caught up in life again. And NOW it's three days until Christmas.
I still have to:
- buy 1 more gift (for my brother)
- cook the rest of the damn cookies I had made last month
- buy more cookie containers because I had low-balled the amount I needed even though I had made a list
- clean the house (vacuum the 2nd floor, clean all the bathrooms, dust, kitchen counter tops but The Man will probably clean the tile)
- deliver the cookie gifts to recipients (Doggie Doc, Chiropractor, Yoga Studio, and my brothers roommates & caregivers)
- cook a couple dishes for our post Christmas lunch w/ out of town family
- buy ingredients for said dishes
- fold a $hit ton of clothes that have been piling up for two weeks (I'm great at keeping up with washing clothes, terrible about folding and putting away)
- pick up Christmas Day lunch (thankfully purchased)

I want to go to sleep and believe a fairy will take care of all of this for me. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I just don't know how time got away from me.
-------------------------------
12/23 update at 10:17 PM.
buy brother's gift - done!
buy cookie containers - done!
bake all cookies - done!
fold clothes - I found out that we have SEVEN loads of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. SEVEN!! I figured this out by the number of dryer sheets I found in the huge pile of clothes. Thankfully, most are done. All that is left is The Man's clothes (I put away his underwear and socks)
cookie delivery - almost all done

Still got to clean house (ughhhhh), pick up Christmas meal and buy ingredients for post Christmas day. Still a lot of stuff but feeling pretty good. Just NOT looking forward to cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming the stairs (I don't mind even flooring but stairs are a pain in the rear) and whatever else neeeds to be cleaned. But I love me some Christmas so I'm gonna get 'er done!

Because I have to be all-around mushy, not just Mommy mushy

I think I’ve written a little about this before. I like certain movie genres. I won’t watch romance, tragedies, romantic tragedies, thrillers or depressing documentaries (well, PBS does suck me into those unknowingly) because I want to be entertained. And by entertain, I mean laugh and feel happy at the end. I don’t want to bawl buckets. I probably wrote this already but I outright REFUSE to watch The Notebook.
That leaves romantic comedies, comedies, and action. I’m sure there are more but those are the ones I will watch. My favorite, however, are the romantic comedies. I’m a sucker for those. But they have to be good. They have to be smart, not so predictable yet generally happy movies. I recognize that this is hard to achieve without being formulaic. But that’s why they get paid the big bucks, right? Here’s the thing. I’m also the person who generally dislikes love songs. I find them sappy and just a bunch of noise. I have exceptions like anything sang by Boyz II Men but I think that’s more nostalgia than anything else.
“You’re picky!” you say. “That doesn’t make any sense!” Well, it doesn’t have to because I know what I like and that in itself makes perfect sense to me. It’s just my preference, my taste. As I get older, however, all romantic comedies don’t cut it anymore. I think it’s the whole predictability factor. Here is a list of the ones I love off the top of my head:
• Waitress
• Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
• Stranger than Fiction
And thanks to The Man, I’m adding one more to the list:
• Crazy Stupid Love
I love this movie! It’s smart, funny and unpredictable. Best of all, it left me feeling good about life. THAT is entertainment to me. The best part? I saw a bit of my relationship in this movie. And maybe that’s why I love certain movies – I can identify with aspects of them and it makes me appreciate what I have even more. Without giving too much away, I will say, no, it wasn’t the cheating part. It was the scene in which two of the characters talk the entire night. They stayed up and instead of just getting down to business, they end up getting to know each other and laughing almost the entire time. And yes, start to fall in love. It is a romantic comedy, after all.
I had that. I still do. Minus the staying up the entire night because sleep is a valuable commodity in my household. But the laughing. Oh, we do plenty of laughing. Our life couldn’t be labeled exciting and there are plenty of mundane tasks we do. But The Man makes me laugh a lot. And I know that I make him laugh with my antics. I can honestly say our house is filled with a lot of love and laughter. I treasure that. I don’t take it for granted and, if anything, I’m paranoid we will lose it one day. Life can be difficult. There are many challenges and stressful situations and they can cause two people to forget to appreciate and love each other.
In addition to the good writing and acting, this is why I love the movie so much. It reminds me why I love The Man and why I love and treasure our life together. Those moments, those talks and laughing fits, are so important and desired enough that they were put into a movie. And I have that. Of course, having a hot hubby also helps. (This will only make sense if you’ve seen the movie.) When Emma Stone’s character says Ryan Gosling’s character looks photoshopped, I remember thinking almost the exact same thing when I saw The Man. Mmm-hmm, I have quite a few things to appreciate in my life. I’m not bragging, I’m appreciative.

Christmas Cards - tardy but DONE!

I am the woman who has had her card in her recipents' hot little hands by the day after Thanksgiving. Not this year, though. Oh well, done, nevertheless!!!
Now I have to make labels, stuff, stamp and send. So really, I'm only 20% done. Dang.

Picture Joy Christmas

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Almost Christmas Season!!!!!!

Could I have anymore exclamation points?!?!?!?!?!?
I love Christmas. LOVE. Never watched the movie but I feel like this is what they meant in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Minus the Jamaican vacation and sexual exploits. Okay, so maybe nothing like it. What I mean is that my life is really fantastic right now. Perfect, no, but I need for nothing and am very happy and content.
I am so excited for Christmas! I can't wait to decorate. I will say this, though. I never took it for granted but it was pretty awesome to work from home. No wasted time commuting to and from an office and maximum use of time by being able to fit in chores here and there. It's a lot harder getting home stuff done not having that added benefit of a home office. But it's a give and take because I really like my office mates and my career opportunities are brighter now that I work in a regular office. Anyway, back to my main point.
I have to clean house before I feel I can decorate. *sigh* And, for the first time in three years, I will not have our family holiday cards mailed out the day after Thanksgiving. Dammit, that one really hurts. it's not so much lack of time as it is bad scheduling. I thought we would be able to use photos from our vacation but they didn't work out. So we scheduled a local photographer whom we really like. Unfortunately, Her next available appointment was a month out which is the week of Thanksgiving. And we won't get the photos for another week or so which really pushes back the holiday cards because those take a couple weeks to get and then for us to mail out. I estimate mid-December, hopefully. But it's OK. With a toddler and two pups, gone are the days when The Man can take the photos himself. Not only was that very economical ( can't beat free!) but it was comical, as well. He would pose us and then run to his spot, sometimes tripping and often times sweating from the many trial and errors. Of course, he would also have to chuck something at the camera so pups and baby wouldn't stare at him after he ran to his place in our photo. Ah, memories. He took the holiday card photos in '08, '09 & '10, bless his heart. Before then, we used an engagement photo and, in '08, we had included a photo from our wedding. These cards mean a lot to me, if you couldn't already tell.
Yup, I'm the gal who listens to Christmas music as soon as radio stations play it. And now, thanks to Pandora, I start in the beginning of November instead of having to wait for the week of Thanksgiving to get my Jingle Bells & White Christmas! Hope you have a great holiday season:)

So THIS is what they meant when they say, "Cute as a bug!"

The Bun's first Halloween.
Well, her first time trick-or-treating. Technically, this is her 3rd. Her first Halloween, she was fresh out of the oven. Her second, she couldn't walk. So here she is, on her first trick-or-treat outing.

See what I mean?

You can't braid a baby's hair:

I know this isn't the best french braid but I didn't want to scare her by pulling on her hair too much or making it too tight. This is, however, the first time that she a) stayed still long enough for me to complete it and b) had hair long enough to be french braided.
I know it's silly but, for so long, I've only been able to do a couple of things because her hair was so wispy and short. In other words, she's had baby hair forever.
Until now.
Now she is a little girl who can have braided hair. Wow. Feels like it's all of sudden even though it's been happening before my very eyes.
I can't say it enough. She is a constant reminder that life is short, time is fleeting and if I concentrate too much on the future or tasks that seem important at the time (but really aren't), I could miss so much.

Thankful I turned to the World Wide Web to write a semi private journal

Nope, that wasn't meant to smack of sarcasm. It's true.
My blog is public but I use nicknames which is why I wrote, "semi-private." A little dellusional, I admit, considering I post easily recognizable photos and situations (if one knew me.) I am truly thankful, however, that I got into writing a blog because I've recorded so many important things in my life. My only real regret is not taking the time to do it lately because of the instant gratification appeal of Facebook and because life has gotten a lot busier than when I first started. In AUGUST 2005.
That's right, two thousand mutha effin' five! (I don't know why getting ghetto for a quick second seemed appropriate but it did.) I can't believe I've had this teeny tiny sliver of the internet since then. And, after reading the first entry, I realize that I've kept the same profile photo this whole time! I can't help it. Even after all these years, I like it.
Do you read your old entries? It may seem narcissistic but I enjoy reading them. For instance, I decided to read all the entries labeled "getting hitched" because getting married was one of the happiest times of my life! And a year or so ago, I remember reading all the "sticky bun" entries because I wanted to recall what it had been like for me.
I'm so glad that I've kept a journal. I love this journal1 Reading those past entries made me remember just how much I treasure this little sliver and I want to be better about writing regularly. I know, time and time again I've written this as have many of my other blogger friends. It just seems like so much more of a challenge, doesn't it? As we get older, more responsibilities accrue and, particularly with kids, our time is no longer just "our" time. One of my faults? Sometimes I'm just to stinkin' tired by the time my baby goes to sleep that I just veg out and forget everything else.
Well, I want to live life to its fullest. And while sitting in front of a computer writing isn't always the best use of my time, I will make more of an effort to write about what I love, what I want to change, what I want to do and what makes me happy. (And, on occasion, what grosses me out. Like there appears to be a quite a few entries about bodily fluids. Ick.) Because having these entries to reflect upon years later is pretty awesome. Particularly when special moments in my life occur and those small details I took the time to write about then would have been all but forgotten. But, luckily, they won't be.
Thank you, Blogger. Thank you, fellow bloggers, for inspiring me to keep at it even though it feels like we're dwindling. And thank you World Wide Web for letting me have this teeny tiny place for my thoughts.

Scared

The Man and I know we want another child. We both know that having a sibling is an amazing experience and if we're able to give that to the Bun, we should. And our deadline of when we want to start trying again is fast approaching.  The Man is good to go but I've got a bunch of nerves.
What I'm scare of :
Failing as a mom - I'm scared that my patience is not infinite and that I will turn into the person that snaps at her husband and/or kids. I don't ever want to be that woman. I'd like to believe I'm pretty simple in my needs and one of them is having downtime. The other is sleep. Those two factors make a drastic difference in my attitude and both are practically non existent when one is a new mom.
Strain on my marriage - Maybe we won't snap at our kids. But I've seen couples become less lovey dovey because it takes effort. Or they're just downright mean to each other. I will admit, there are times when The Man and I are short with each other or have gotten into fights that really weren't necessary. We get more sleep now because The Bun sleeps through the night but it was rough when we were lacking rest.
Money - We're not rich. Having another baby scares the bajeezus after me because our budget is just so. Any additions are going to cause us to move from comfortable to tight. At the very least.
Body - Oh boy, it took nearly two years for me to lose the baby weight. And while my body is not the same shape, I'm overjoyed I was able to do it. But I'm still 8 lbs from goal weight which is the weight I was for most of my 20s. My weightloss has been very challenging. Every pound makes a difference on my 5'1" frame. I've written this before but I believe in the whole theory of bodies having "fat memory" and the longer I hold onto this weight, the more my body believes this is my normal weight and the harder it is to get these pounds off. Having another baby will not make this easier.
Career - I used to be able to easily work late or on the weekends. I used to have no problem taking on additional work that took additional time. I could easily volunteer for things or make time to get my work done. Now it is very difficult to work after hours and, if I can swing it, it takes a bit of planning. Even with a strong support system consisting of my husband, parents and Ava's day care! How crazy will it be with another baby? Stupid crazy. How will I be able to excel in my career if I'm going to spread myself even thinner?!
Time - There already seems to not be enough of it. 
These are just a few of the worries that I can recall. And for each "objections", I've either heard the rebuttle or have said it myself. Note that it does NOT help when people tell me women have been doing this since the beginning of time. But what does help me is to draw upon the examples and experiences of those around me. I see my family and friends sucessfully balance this crazy juggling that most mothers do.
Also, when it comes down to it, I try to always remember the adage, be in the moment. I don't want to waste any time fretting about what I want but don't have or what could be but isn't. It's hard because I'm a planner. And a worrier. I want to make sure I do everything to be sucessful. And, if I'm not sure, it seems like a big risk. I've discovered that when it comes to things like this, sometimes you have to just do it. And that scares the $*#% of me because I don't want anything to blow up in my face. The unknown, the things I have no control over, is so scary to me.
But I was scared to have The Bun. And the joy she has brought to our lives, the appreciation she has instilled in me ... all the stress and worry is worth it. She has made me a more giving, loving, and over all better person. Along with my husband and parents by showing me what LOVE looks like. And they all really have done that! Plus, she is growing up to be an awesome kid! (Another worry - how will I ever be blessed to have another baby as awesome as her? It's not possible! See? Worry, worry, worry.)
Yup, I'm still scared. Dare I say, scared $%^#less. It's true. I'm scared to fail, I'm scared to wreck the current wonderful life I have, I'm scared of so many things. But there is something inside of me that says that if we are able to have another child, we should do it.  Believe me, I can have a conversation all by myself that goes around and around indefinitely and even though I've pretty much talked myself out of it, what it comes down to it is being scared of the unknown. And that's no way to live. I would have never fallen in love w/ The Man. I would have never chosen my career. I would have never left my home.
So we're going to just do it. Or, at least, try. (Not yet, though, so no emails please!!!!) Call me bat$%^# crazy but that's the plan. Well, don't call me bat$%^# crazy but I would understand why you would think it.

Great, when I finally have a minute to write, I forget all the ideas that come to my head while driving.

Story of my life. I think of incredibly thought-provoking (or so I believe at the time) subjects and when I am finally in front of a computer and finally have a few minutes to jot them down, I can't think of a single one. Serious!
Well, we had a great time in Hawaii for The Bun's 2nd Birthday. All but the ending was fantastic. I wrote THREE PAGES, single typed to Hawaiian Airlines, regarding our return flight so why soil my little blog with anger and frustration?
I was right to assume it would not be relaxing. We also didn't explore like we normally would. But do I wish it had been anything different? Nope! Our little Bun had such a great time! She loved the beach. Loved, loved, loved it! Unfortunately, her mama and daddy didn't realize that the waves were a lot calmer just a few yards away. So while Bun loved it, she was also fighting for her life every time a wave came. Or so it seemed! She slept hard at night so I know she was working hard during the day:)
She also loved that we had adjoining rooms with her grandparents. LOVED it. What's funny is I forgot how much I, myself, loved it as a kid! She got a real kick out of being able to walk back and forth and visit with everyone. It was nice because it gave us a little relief to not have to watch her like a hawk all the time. And at night, bless my parents, they watched her while we walked around Waikiki. It was only for an hour or so at night but to have that little break each night was really nice. Just one of the many gifts my parents gave us.
I know she's wee little but I hope she remembers this because it was such a special vacation.

Why are sunsets so much prettier in Hawaii? Someone tell me the science behind this!

Our first evening and we just had to show her the water! Too bad it was already getting chilly.

I really wanted to take family portraits with the photographer from our wedding. I'm sentimental like that.



How beautiful is this? She loves her Nana & Papa.



It was hard to get good photos of her because she had little sleep compared to her normal 12 hours:(

She wanted to be done and be in the water already. Couldn't really blame her!

"What's up? Aren't we done yet?"

Had to get a few couple photos. Love him so much.

Can't believe she won't be this small forever.

So happy we were finally doing something she wanted to do! :)

The best we could do with The Pout!

See this right here? This is pure JOY.

Baby's 1st Luau :)

She was getting so much attention. I'm bias but she was pretty darn cute!

The Bun in her Super Suit (Daddy was concerned for her skin because while she is a brown baby, he didn't want to risk any burn! So she wore a hat, full length suit and water shoes:) w/ her studly Daddy.

Can't believe how fast it flew. Normally, 5 days in Hawaii just isn't enough for me. With all the money spent and the time it takes to travel, I like at least 7 days. But with The Bun and my folks with their physical limitations, 5 days was perfect. Plus, all the added costs like puppy boarding and The Man's non-paid Time Off, I totally get why people tend to stay home when they have families! Unfortunately, because our trip ended on a sour note, all of us were more than happy to be home and beyond exhaustion. Literally - we had been up for over 24 hours! But the upside is that we appreciate HOME and were happy to be back.
It was a lovely vacation in a beautiful location with The Bun absolutely surrounded by love. If I focus on that, there really isn't more that I could ask for.