Thursday, December 29, 2011

What's the difference between graduating college & having a baby?

I swear I wrote this already but, when I looked back on my entries, I couldn't find it. So either I thought I wrote about it but didn't or I'm just a lousy researcher now.
You may or may not already know this but I have a dream about my college years at least once a week. Every time I wake up, I'm a little sad because I realize that those days are long gone. Then I feel guilty. I mean, do I wish I could go back and relive those days? Are those days the best years of my life?
Luckily, the answer is yes and NO.
Yes, I sometimes wish I could relive those days. At that time of my life, everything and anything seemed possible. I'm certain it was the most liberal, thought-provoking time in my life. But it was also a sheltered time because I wasn't worried about a mortgage, bills and health insurance. Mom and Dad were footing the bills. I was allowed to concentrate on my studies, what I wanted to become, falling in love and where I would live after graduation. Essentially, planning my adult life.
I've already written about what I would do over. I loved university life for so many reasons. In addition to what I've written already, it was the first time I felt like I belonged. Specifically, when I started taking courses in my major. College also introduced me to all types of people. This was such a breath of fresh air since high school was stifling. Who knows, maybe high school was filled with diverse people but it felt like we were all just trying to survive by hiding what made us different and just trying to be as mainstream as possible. In college, being unique was celebrated and, sometimes, the more unique the better! Within reason ;) I miss a lot of things. I miss that sheltered environment - being on the brink of the "real world" without having to deal with real world situations, I miss the incredibly liberal and thought-proking environment and I miss the diversity.
While I loved this time of my life, I'm happy to write that these were not the best years. How sad would that be? I would be pretty depressed if the best time of my life peaked in college. I love so much of my life now than ever before. I am truly in love and have found my partner in life. This is the happiest I've ever been with another person. I don't miss that feeling of loneliness, unhappiness or uncertainty when it came to love earlier in my life. I'm incredibly happy with The Man, The Bun & The Pups. I love our little household, my beautiful family and friends. I've been blessed to be surrounded by incredible people.
I think I also have a much better appreciation for those I love. I try my hardest to not take them for granted and show them the patience, love and help they deserve. I think I'm much better at prioritizing (although I could always be better) and I try extremely hard to be in the moment. Also a work in progress. But I didn't have the mindset or perhaps the maturity to think about things like that in college.
So, knowing a huge reason that I loved university life is because I loved the endless possibilities of what I could become once I graduated, why am I TERRIFIED of having another baby?
Yes, yes, it is old news that I'm open to having another baby. After two-going-on-three years of being adamantly against it, I am embracing the thought of having another child. But that doesn't stop me fretting over the unknown. But what's great about having a blog is being able to reflect. And, because I'd like to think I'm also self-aware, I know that that's my thing. I am somewhat of an anxious person. I am a worrywart. I worry about how our schedules will change once The Bun has to start going to school. Or if her day care provider or grandparents can't take care of her anymore. Of course, I also worry at the thought of trying to balance my already chaotic life with another child in it. I worry about basically anything upsetting the harmonious balance we have right now. But, as we all know, anything can happen. People can get sick. One of us can get laid off. Life happens. So why can't I embrace the unknown the way I could when I was graduating college?
Thought-provoking stuff, huh? ;)
That's how I'm going to think about life moving forward. Not just about children but any change, in general. I mean, I'm sure I'm romanticizing my college years. I know I freaked the eff out back then, as well. But, in the spirit of living in the moment and living without regret, I'm going to embrace the unknown. Because, as I get older, I have become more anxious (if that's possible) about change. Change & the unknown mean having no control. And that scares the bajeezus out of me. But, that's no way to live. That's not how I want to live.
Love and gratitude. That's how I want to be and how I want to live life. And yes, I think I'm turning into a big ol' hippie.

1 comment:

jen said...

amen, sister friend! amen! :)