Captain Save-a ...

Bunny.

What did you think it would be?
My Man, Jon-Jon, is THE Man. But you knew that already. He has a heart of gold.
When he was living with two roommates last year, one of them got the bright idea that he would take after his uncle and raise bunnies. For food. Never mind that Mark had never ever raised animals with the end result of making them a meal. Or that he lived in a suburban neighborhood. Or that he just sucks big balls for wanting to mate bunnies to end up slaughtering. Yah, I said it. (And that's not even why I think he sucks. But you'll soon understand.) For whatever reason, Mark wanted to raise two bunnies and turn them into fifty. Or something like that.
Their other roommate, Mario, was indifferent to the whole idea. He is also related to the uncle that raises bunnies (he's Mark's cousin) but didn't give two hoots what Mark did. Anyway, Jon-Jon had no idea that this hairbrain idea was cookin' in Mark's head until, one day, there were two bunnies in their backyard, like so -


"Awwww." Of course, how could I not think that as soon as I saw them? Well, they don't like people. They scurried away as soon as they smelled, heard, or saw you. I admired the bunnies from afar.
They didn't have a cage, they just roamed free like some dog named Sparky. They ate the grass but since Mario wasn't much of a gardener (it's his house,) it was fine. Weeks went by and they just lived in the backyard. Then Jon-Jon would repeatedly tell me that he would come home and see their water bottles empty and no food in their dish. Soon, he was feeding them. Then they ran out of food. Then Jon-Jon was buying their food and treats.
One night, probably after six months went by, we were on the phone and I started laughing, "Baby, you are a bunny owner!"
"No I'm not!" He exlaimed. This is a man who loves dogs and, to this day, tries to convince me that we should own a german shepard because surely I will think they are cuddly. I'm still not convinced.
"My love," I said, "no matter how prissy you may think it sounds, it's true. You are a bunny owner."
Fast forward to the beginning of this month. The bunnies have been there for nearly a year. Jon-Jon moves out. But he still picks up his bills from his old place. And for the past two weeks, he's dropped by and picked up his mail. Out of habit, he checked on the bunnies. They didn't have food or water.
It's been 100+ degrees lately.
I was beside myself when he told me. I wanted to kick Mark in the nuts on behalf of the bunnies. Of course, Jon-Jon filled their water bottles and gave them food. But he can't visit every couple of days and the bunnies need to be fed and given water almost every day. Then last Saturday, he told me that he had to wash his hands clean of the bunnies. He said we can't worry about them anymore b/c we just can't.
I felt like a criminal b/c I knew animal cruelty was happening. Look, you may think I'm twisted but I can't throw stones at anyone that wants to eat bunnies. I eat cow, pig, chicken and fish. But I canNOT deal with starving an animal and letting them die such a horrible slow death. For crap's sake! Not only does that make you a royal prick but everyone knows a starved animal does NOT TASTE GOOD. I know, NOT the point. But still. You have to admit.
I called the Humane Society. Then I realized that if Animal Control came, Mario and Mike would think Jon-Jon, the bunny whisperer, narked and be pissed. So I didn't make a report. But I did ask the operator about a bunny's health and she said that there is no way they would survive in this kind of heat w/o water or food. Right. How could they?
I then begged Jon-Jon to ask Mario (b/c Mark sucks SO BAD he is hardly home and Mario has been the one sort of taking care of them) if we could have the bunnies. "Please! Just lie and say we want them! We'll take them to the SPCA." No tears but after much begging, he relented and called Mario. Mario told him OF COURSE we can have the bunnies. Whooohooo!
The End. A Happily-Ever-After, if you will.
Well, not quite. After work today, Jon-Jon went to Mario's house and helped him catch the semi-wild bunnies. They make no sounds but they scratched up Jon-Jon plenty to show that they do not like to be handled. Once captured, Jon-Jon and Mario regrouped. I don't know what transpired but the bunnies are now on their way to the Uncle's farm. Jon-Jon said they will get fattened up and, um, go to that big crockpot in the sky.
Hey, I tried. And at least on the farm, it's the Uncle's livelihood to raise animals for food so he knows better than to let them run out of food or water. Because that's MEAN. And just bad business for him.
OK, so the story isn't exactly warm and fuzzy or have a happy ending. But Jon-Jon did take them out of a terrible environment. The bunnies are going to be reunited with their brothers and sisters on the farm. And, well, eventually go to bunny heaven.