Birth Story Part III

It has been nearly seven weeks since I delivered Sticky Bun and my memories are fading. I had better write down what I remember before I forget. And, yes, I totally have baby brain. My vocabulary has significantly decreased and I talk like English isn't my first language. How sad that it's not only my first but my only.
I wondered if I should even write this all down because, from what I understand, women are programmed to forget all the trauma. Evidently, when my baby becomes a toddler, some part of my brain is going activate fire alarm blasts and scream at me, "You want another baby! You NEED another baby!" But I've gone this far so why not write the rest?

Sometime after 7:00am, I was prepped and ready to go to the O.R. The Man would join me shortly after he changed into scrubs. I was scared but thank goodness the epidural was strong. I really didn't feel much down there. I said goodbye to my mom and Patti. The plan was that the hubby would stay with me until Sticky Bun was out. Once SB left the O.R., as long as she was healthy, The Man would stay with her while my doula would then come into the O.R. and stay with me until I was done.

A mention about my mom. I didn't know if she would be around when I gave birth. My dad and she planned to attend a wedding in New York a week before I was due. I also knew that she wasn't big on the Natural Birth route so those two factors had made me want to seek out a doula. Well, she surprised me by being really calm and respecting my decisions ... although I know she thought it was INSANE that I didn't want the epidural right away. But I wasn't sure how she would handle me (or at least, parts of me) being inside out so I stuck with the original plan of having the doula there after The Man left.

I don't remember what I was thinking while I was being rolled into the O.R. I know I was scared. I'm the type of gal that looks away when my blood is being drawn. I don't faint but I sure as heck don't want to see the process.

There were a lot of people in the O.R. They were all friendly and calm because this wasn't an emergency C-Section. It was just unplanned ... for me. I asked if there would be a cover so I wouldn't see the surgery. Please tell me that the separator wasn't just on TV shows!!! Dr. Stephens assured me that there was a big sheet that went up, separating me from the operation. I was glad. I didn't want The Man to see the operation either. I know some of you will not agree but I can't help it. There is a certain modesty I have and while I have exchanged vows with him and he is my very bestest friend in the whole wide world, I did NOT want him to see my innards. What if he could never get that image out of his head? So much for intimacy. Perhaps it is completely irrational of me but how could he ever think I was sexy after that? It just felt like that would be too much. If I didn't want to see myself all cut up, I sure as heck didn't want someone I love (my husband, my mom, my dad ... anyone) to see me like that.

The sheet separator was no joke. They erected (and yes, erected is the perfect word) this huge sheet wall near my head. I couldn't see anything or anyone on the other side of it. A new anaesthesiologist introduced himself to me and said he was going to numb me so I wouldn't feel a thing. He wasn't, however, going to make me drowsy because he didn't want the baby drowsy. I was glad he said that because I did want my baby to be alert. I had learned that this would help the baby latch more easily than if she was drowsy from drugs.

After a few moments, Dr. Stephens said that they were ready. I was a bit out of it but I panicked. My husband was still not in the room. It was hard to talk by then but I spoke up and asked them to please wait for my husband. Where was my husband? One of the staff said that he was coming soon. In the meantime, Dr. Stephens said they were going to do a test to make sure I couldn't feel anything.

"Do you feel this?"

"No."

"Do you feel this?"

"No."

"Do you feel this?"

"Yes. Yes! I feel that!"

I will never forget how terrified I was that I could feel that pinch. Because I swear Dr. Stephens was ready to cut me open.

The anaesthesiologist even sounded surprised when he asked, "You really felt that?"

"Yes! It's on my right side. I felt that pinch! I felt it. I felt it!"

The anaesthesiologist said, "Let's wait a few moments." My doula later told me that the anaesthesiologist gave me more drugs and numbed further up my body because I had felt that pinch on my right side. I didn't mind, though, because I was petrified at the thought of being able to feel my C-section procedure. The one adverse reaction that made things difficult for me was I couldn't breathe. When I was prepped, I was given oxygen through the nose. Once they had numbed more parts of my body, I found it truly difficult to breathe. I was gasping, trying to suck in as much air as possible but couldn't. The staff didn't seem concerned so I guess I was getting enough oxygen but it certainly didn't feel like it.

I asked one of the nurses if I could change to an oxygen mask. They changed it for me but it was still incredibly difficult to breathe. It felt like they were going to start and still no husband. I was so relieved when I heard him enter the room. The Man asked me how I was doing and, for the life of me, I can't remember my answer. I do recall that once Dr. Stephens started and I could feel a tugging sensation, I felt sick and wanted to be distracted. I told him to talk about something. Anything. Just to talk so I could focus on something else. No, I don't remember what he was saying. I remember trying to ignore the tugging. I don't know if it was her pulling back my skin or if it was my insides being pulled out but there was a constant tugging feel and I hated it. I know The Man and I were trying to carry on a insignificant conversation.

Then we all heard a small baby cry. Almost like a kitten. I don't know who said it but I heard, "Congratulations! That's your baby girl. And look at all that hair!"

At 7:32am, that was when The Man had The Moment. The very moment that the almost ten months led us up to, that the entire night led us up to, the very moment he realized that the cry we had heard was our daughter. And I'm so happy for him that he had this moment. And I'm fine that I didn't. I was too doped up and trying too hard to breathe to have The Moment. I remember saying something to The Man like,

"Did you hear her? That's our daughter crying."

Then one of the nurses told him to cut the umbilical cord. He got up and was able to see her first. When he returned, I asked him how she looked and I'm pretty sure he said beautiful. He later told me that he almost cried, he was so happy. And for the rest of my life I will be glad that he had that moment.