Heart Breaker or Heart Ache-r?

Being sick has its disadvantages. The obvious is, well, being sick. And, of course, if you're like me and totally useless when ill then there's having to take time off work to lay in a NyQuil-induced coma.
And FaceBook didn't exactly help me any. Because when I am sick and in bed all damn day, there is nothing to do except look up people that should be left in the past. But I can't help myself. AND DON'T EVEN FAKE IT BECAUSE I KNOW I'M NOT ON MY OWN. Friendster, MySpace and FaceBook are convenient ways for us to keep tabs on the people we no longer talk to or make us think back of all the people who crossed our paths just to see what they've been up to since we last saw them.
And then, of course, because my mind can never just REST and always has to be busy even if it's to think of things that are useless or irrelevant to my happy life today, I wondered if the people I remembered and thought to look up did the same with me. And that's friends, enemies, old coworkers, old sorority sisters, ex-boyfriends and ex-crushes. But see, with me, I haven't had that many men in my life prior to The Man. And it's not something I regret, it just made me think.
I only have one ex-boyfriend and two significant crushes in my life. And a couple of guys that caught my eye. But that is it. Crazy isn't it? I mean, I've only had two serious boyfriends and I married one of them so there ya go. It is very easy for me to remember the past relationships because there were not that many in my life, making the few that occurred significant moments in my life.
And, because I just had way too much time lying in bed trying to breathe without coughing, I realized that the roles they had in my life were probably a lot more important and significant than the role I played in theirs. Because if there are, say four men that made a strong impact in your life, you are going to remember them. But if there was that one woman out of 15, well, you're going to kind of remember her and when you had gone out with her in your life. Maybe.
I'd like to think I'm memorable. I'd like to think I broke a heart or two. How morbid is that?! I may have bruised a couple of egos in my day. But I'm pretty sure I wasn't a heart breaker. I didn't let too many guys in my life (out of fear, already being in a relationship, and sometimes just too damn picky) so I can remember when I went out with these fellows and most of the details of the relationship. Although out of the four, two were just very long, twisted crushes where I gave them entirely too much power that, luckily, they had very little idea they had it because, unluckily, I was inept in expressing my feelings making me a pro (not that I realized it then) at sending mixed signals. But that huge flaw is another entry all together.
My point is that I am not a heart breaker. I am a heart ache-r. I've had my heart break or ache at least four times by two men who probably didn't even know they did it. And I don't mean I was necessarily in love. I just mean that period where you're sobbing uncontrollably in your pillow and you can't eat or sleep because you feel like your heart has been smashed by a hammer. And yes, The Man is counted in that four ... and obviously we made up. Thankfully I figured out how to articulate my feelings with him!
Although I complain about how busy my work keep me, I'm relieved to be throwing myself back into something where I can use my restless mind for good rather than drivel like wondering if I made an impact on the lives that made an impact on me. But if you have the time, think about it ...
Are you a heart breaker or heart ache-r? It's kind of a trip.

I talked to a friend about this and how ridiculous I felt for even thinking about this because I am in a beautiful and wonderful relationship and love my husband with all my heart. Why am I thinking about past relationships? Well, it really isn't about the men and "what if." I know exactly "what if" and dodged some potentially horrible relationships and lived through a tumultuous one. I am blessed to be with the best of the best. It's more of an ego thing, I suppose. And I know it's great to be a confident woman who knows her self worth. But I also don't mind the humbleness of it all that, well, just because someone was once important to you, your significance in their life may not be the same. And it's truly OK.
Unless you are sick and have way too much to think about and you kind of wished that you had been a heart breaker!

I give you ...

The Knox!
OK ... this is the last shoe on my wishlist, all named in honor of the kids adopted/made by that beautiful but bat $hit crazy woman. Who just admitted what everyone already knew which is she did, indeed, make the moves on her current boyfriend while he was still married. Oh, I know he's not blameless by any means and I hope he ages badly. But that's another entry.
Back to the shoes - Cute, huh?
So I caught a cold from my boss. I don't really blame her, though, because I could feel it in my body that I was fighting something, especially every morning. But I was able to shake it off for a while and took Vitamin C on a daily basis. But then I had a two hour meeting with my boss while she was sick and I couldn't fight off the bug anymore.
When I get sick, I'm just about useless. And if I try to go-go-go, I just stay sick for a longer amount of time. So I called in sick today. And laid in bed all freakin' day. Normally, that would not neccessarily be a bad thing but I couldn't really enjoy it since I'm sick. I basically drowned my sorrows and sickness in NyQuil.
And it bought me three hours of sleep :)

I'm fine, how are you?

Still pluggin' away at work (and yes, although it makes sad that anytime I drop my Gs I think of Sarah Palin, I have to stay true to form) but it's much better. Easier? Heyyyyylllllz no! But I am much more accustomed to my schedule and have made peace with it.
Throughout the years, I've learned that very rarely do The J-O-B duties change for any given position. So either I have to adapt and make peace with it or I have to leave because whether it's me or someone else in the position, the job is always going to be the job. Kind of profound, isn't it? Or maybe not. It seems like a simple enough concept but we can be stubborn people. We think that we can just do what we really like or what we're really good at and then, because we have proven ourselves, we can shove off what we don't like to other people.
On that rare occasion, it sometimes works. Typically, though, we have to be in the job for several years and prove to be moderately successful in all facets of the position (including the one we want to get rid of) before we can negotiate removing the duties we don't care for ... and we better have a damn good argument why. But most of the time, whether we like it or not, we have to take the whole job description and own it. The parts we love, the parts we hate - all of it.
It's funny, I didn't think this entry was going to go this way. I was actually going to post pictures of the shoes I liked from Sofft that I'm planning to slowly add to my shoe collection the way Angelina adds kids to her household. But I've witnessed and continue to witness people who are struggling with accepting important parts of their job. And it's sad to watch because, in the end, I know that the job description will win. I mean, I've been on both sides. At my last job, I knew right away that I didn't like it. But I tried to convince myself it would work because I liked the people I worked with. But man, I hated my job and Sundays nights my stomach would hurt because I knew I would have to through another week of unsatisfying work. Now I never tried to change the job so that I only did what I wanted because I knew what the job entailed - I just didn't know how much I would dislike it. And because I knew the job wasn't going to change for me, I had to make the very difficult decision to leave it for the unknown.
Now I'm at a job that, over all, I love. Of course there are parts that I wish I didn't have to do but I'm at peace with having to do them. As I mentioned, though, there are others who try to reshape a position that was well established before they ever came on and isn't going to change even if they leave. I'm not just talking about people who do the same thing as me because I see it in many other areas. And rather than trying to adapt, there is a resistance. And I know that the inevitable will come when they realize that the description will always win and it's hardly ever pretty or peaceful.
Goodness, I didn't mean for this to be a morbid post! It really isn't. It's just an observation I've been thinking about for a few days now.
Anyway ... shoes!

The Maddox

The Sahara

The Pax

The Shiloh

The Vivienne

I guess I need to find one more that I like and call it the Knox! Wow, she has more kids than shoes that I've been eyeing for work. Jeez.

A stone's throw away from 30.

Another incident that made me realize I am welcoming this new milestone in my life (in addition to purchasing TWO pairs of Naturalizer shoes earlier this year) ...

I saw a lady walking to BART wearing white tennis shoes while her sensible heels were tucked away in her bag. Ordinarily, I can't help but pass judgement. Not necessarily about the woman but the style. "Jeezus, that does nothing for her outfit." And then, "I wouldn't be caught DEAD wearing white tennies with a work outfit."

As I get older, though, I notice I am having stronger thoughts about the women traipsing about in spiked / spice girl high heels versus the women in sneakers. Because at least with the women in sneakers, I totally get where where they're coming from. A long time ago, I had been the little 20-something wearing really high and really cute heels. But no more!

Yes, I still have opinions of the unattractiveness of the Easy Spirits over nude pantyhose ensemble. But, if I had to choose, I would begrudgingly pick that over the just-chop-off-my-feet-now-because-I'm-in-so-much-pain high heels. Because I would be limping something terrible by the end of the day. Of course, thinking that it's so much cooler, I have always opted for the flip flops and had my not so sensible heels in my bag. For my job, however, changing from flip flops to heels and then back again multiple times throughout the day just isn't reasonable.

While I am hoping with all my might that I won't become one of them, I am a little uneasy that I fully understand the concept of throwing cuteness to the wind in order to be able to walk comfortably for an entire day.

Will this be me one day?

I didn't realize how much I walked on a daily basis for work until I wore the wrong heels and tore up my feet. My poor toes. I was in so much pain that at the end of the day, I immediately went online and bought the Sofft high heels I had been eyeing but thought to be a little pricey. My feet definitely sent a clear message to me that day and I'm awaiting my stylish yet comfortable Sofft shoes. If you haven't checked this brand out, they have a bigger selection than Naturalizer and Aerosoles of cute shoes.

Yes. This obviously is an important topic for me and required thorough research. I even interrogated a couple of colleagues who told me they had Sofft shoes to ensure that I was making a wise investment. One said, "Seriously, girl. They're like walking on pillows." Yes, Sofft shoes are THAT good. (They should really pay me for this entry.)

My body is NOT a wonderland

I decided to see a chiropractor through a local chiropractic college a few months ago because of my shoulder. I really liked her (she has since graduated and moved back to LA) and was open to her holistic approach because she was really passionate about it without being preachy. The two things she was concerned about was my intake of aspartame and birth control pills. Aspartame has been hard to kick. It's in a lot of things that I like so I'm slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) taking that out of my diet. I am a huge fan of Crystal Light and consume it all day long. So we'll see abut kicking the aspartame. Birth control, on the other hand, is easy. You just stop. I have been on the pill for six years straight, ten years total. I had a one year break after four years because my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I wasn't doing anything to merit a pregnancy scare and I knew that mixing birth control pills and cigarettes were dangerous. So of course I gave up the birth control. I loved Marlboro Menthol Ultra Lights. (Yes, I have a dreamy look on my face just thinking about it.) But anyway ... back to the chiropractor. She told me that if it was at all possible, I should stop taking the pill because of all the hormones and it's just healthier for my body to stop. Hmm. I thought about it and shared this information with The Man. While we are not trying to have a baby right now, getting pregnant now by accident versus getting pregnant, oh, while I was in college and broke ass, is pretty different. There are other methods of birth control, as well. So the pill and I have broken up.
My body is NOT happy. I have been off the pill for two weeks. This past week my body decided we were fighting and I had cramps for the entire week. Damn. I completely forgot that a wonderful side affect of being on birth control pills was that I stopped having cramps. They used to be so bad in high school that I would go home almost once a month. The school nurse and I were friends ... she knew that I wasn't trying to play her for a fool and I knew that she would only make me lie on that army cot they called a bed for 1/2 hour before letting me go home. I loved my school nurse. In addition to the cramps, I am angry to report that I have found three blemishes on my chin. I call them "blemishes" because it's a damn shame that I'm damn near 30 years of age and breaking out. WHAT THE EFF. This lovely side affect is something I did not forget and knew that my skin would turn on me once I was off the pill. I am not claiming I had a lovely complexion while taking birth control pills but I appreciated the mostly-clear face and am so sad that age has not remedied this problem. So here I am. Cramping steadily for seven days and starting to break out. But, by golly, I don't have any artificial hormones in my body! (I am muttering a bunch of curse words right now. By the way, did you know "the curse" is defined as informal menstruation? First of all, how appropriate. Secondly, what is informal versus formal menstruation?) 

I miss reading blogger and I miss writing. But from what I see, a lot of you have been MIA. What gives? Are you busy with work too? That's my main reason. And the discovery of FaceBook. What another time sucker that thing is ;)