I evidently have panic attacks. And NO, it's not self-diagnosed, I sought out a professional!
Working for the company that I do, I am very aware of my health, specifically my heart. For the past couple of weeks, I've been getting mild chest pains at night. It would happen when The Man and I are laying in bed, watching television. It felt abnormal, but I would forget about it in the morning thus forgetting to make an appointment. I would then remember at night.
Two days ago, I began to have these pains and shortness of breath in the morning while driving. It certainly served as a big ass reminder that I meant to see my physician. I decided to call Kaiser to make an appointment. Yesterday I saw my physician. She said that if it was a heart problem, my breath wouldn't coincide with my palpitations. The doc still requested an EKG and blood work.
Got the results and everything looks A-OK.
WTF - Panic Attacks?
Before I went to the lab, the doctor and I discussed this and she said that even though I'm not more stressed than normal, I could still have them. I am grateful that I'm not a walking time bomb and about the keel over and have a heart attack. But I kind of feel like a fraud. I mean, what the hell am I panicking about? Luckily, they aren't affecting me in any way other than mild chest pains and needing to catch my breath at times. But I hope they go away. Because, seriously, What The Hell?!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I did it! And it felt SO GOOD!
I didn't know a diplomatic way of deleting folks on my Facebook. Or what to use as the cut off point. I mean, sure, keep the family and good friends, of course. And, of course, there are people I would obviously delete for good reasons. But what about all those in between people? Like the high schoolmates I haven't seen or talked to in over 12 years? Wouldn't I have to keep all since they ran in the same circle? And I didn't DISlike the guy I only talked to a few times over 10 years ago because of my ex-boyfriend. But I also don't anticipate ever carrying on a conversation with him. Ever. What to do?
I started ALL OVER. I didn't discriminate - I deleted ALL my friends. And now I know.
I don't have to accept everyone. I also don't have to seek out every single person I ever ran into in my 30 years. (Umm, it goes w/o saying, if you have access to this blog, I certainly WANT to be connected to you.) I was tired of being a Pokemon and I was disgusted w/ the fact that I was a Pokemon collector myself. I sure as hell don't talk to 143 people in an even somewhat-moderate basis.
I have to say, it feels pretty darn good to start a new!
I started ALL OVER. I didn't discriminate - I deleted ALL my friends. And now I know.
I don't have to accept everyone. I also don't have to seek out every single person I ever ran into in my 30 years. (Umm, it goes w/o saying, if you have access to this blog, I certainly WANT to be connected to you.) I was tired of being a Pokemon and I was disgusted w/ the fact that I was a Pokemon collector myself. I sure as hell don't talk to 143 people in an even somewhat-moderate basis.
I have to say, it feels pretty darn good to start a new!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Workin' nine to five ...
I figured it's okay to write a little bit about work since this is a private blog now. I meant to post last week and write about my good news. See, I was so happy a couple of weeks ago because I found out something really fantastic on our affiliate conference call. We have them quarterly, when all the offices and telecommuters call in and are informed how we're doing nationally and the affiliate level (California, Nevada & Utah.) Anyway, I'm listening while driving - on a headset, of course, because I'm no dummy - and they announce a couple of prestigious awards. No, I did not get one of them. But then they announce the participants of this year's Leadership class. This was something started two years ago by our Executive Vice President. Employees are nominated by their supervisors and from those nominations, 12 people out of the entire affiliate are chosen. In their words, "The concept of the program was derived from our desire to recognize individuals throughout the affiliate who, in addition to making exceptional contributions to the organization, also role model the leadership capabilities which will propel us forward. It's designed to facilitate focused attention on nurturing leadership potential while challenging individuals to develop the talent of others."
I did get this:) And I was so excited for several reasons. First of all, I was really honored that my supervisor nominated me. It feels good to know my boss thinks I have potential. This also showed she really listened to me. She had asked what I wanted in terms of career growth during my year end evaluation last year. I told her that it is very important for me to continuing learning because it keeps me stimulated and challenged me.
Secondly, I know that since it's the program's third year, more nominations than ever before were made for these 12 slots. I also know for a fact that I don't generate the most revenue, largely due to my territory. Many of my colleagues very talented and hard working individuals. Quite a few are able to produce numbers me and my territory could only dream of having one day! So to be recognized among so many phenomenal people really rejuvenated my passion for my job and the company. This also reaffirmed that the organization, indeed, recognizes other abilities and specialties in addition to "showing them the money". I'm so happy and grateful for that.
Lastly, it's because I truly believe what I told my boss. I love to learn new things. But having a full time job makes me shamefully complacent and unmotivated to explore education opportunities. So to have the opportunity given to me by my company is absolutely amazing.
On top of all that, our raises finally kicked in! Due to the economic climate, my company made the decision to freeze any raises that were earned in July until January. Since this decision prevented any lay offs, I couldn't really get upset. But thank goodness they finally kicked in! Things were basically sunshine and roses.
Then, two days ago, I found out the my largest account - which is actually an umbrella for several smaller accounts - decided that they couldn't be my client this year, after all. Understandably, the economy and proposed state budget cuts are freaking them out (there really isn't a better term because they really are freaked out) and they feel they need to save every penny. And I really mean it - I UNDERSTAND. But I am losing 25% of the total income I brought in last year. See, even though I knew it was going to be a pretty hard year, I counted on the fact that I would at least generate the same amount of revenue that I did last year. I sought out all my clients at the end of the fiscal year to get recommitments for this year. Then I worked hard to bring in new accounts, more than making up for the ones I couldn't renew. I even projected that I would have an increase this year, just not a large one. Now I am missing 1/4 of last year's revenue. I will have a very difficult time reaching last year's numbers. Pretty improbable since I would have to have NONE of my other accounts drop. Attrition of some kind is always a factor and I would have to have zero attrition in order to achieve last year's numbers.
Basically, no matter what I do, I will not get a good end of the year evaluation. Because my job, and I knew this when I took it, is primarily evaluated on the revenue I bring in. Sure, I can be a great employee. I could even score top notch marks on every other aspect of my position. And maybe my boss will give me a perfect evaluation. But it won't matter. Because 80% of my review is if I made an increase from last year's numbers. If I do not make an increase or, at the very least, reach last year's revenue, I will automatically get a poor review.
How's that for royally effed?
I still love my job. And I'm very thankful to HAVE a job. It's just, well, I have the competitive side of me. The side that wants to be one of the best and, HELL YAH wants to beat my last year's self, is really disappointed. I will continue to work hard. I will continue to give my job my all. But in the back of my mind, I will know that no matter what I do, I will not do nearly as well as last year and that my evaluation will be sub par. And that blows.
So there you have it. Regarding work, I had a really great week two weeks ago. And then I had a crappy end of the week just two days ago. But any way you slice it, I am happy to be working.
I did get this:) And I was so excited for several reasons. First of all, I was really honored that my supervisor nominated me. It feels good to know my boss thinks I have potential. This also showed she really listened to me. She had asked what I wanted in terms of career growth during my year end evaluation last year. I told her that it is very important for me to continuing learning because it keeps me stimulated and challenged me.
Secondly, I know that since it's the program's third year, more nominations than ever before were made for these 12 slots. I also know for a fact that I don't generate the most revenue, largely due to my territory. Many of my colleagues very talented and hard working individuals. Quite a few are able to produce numbers me and my territory could only dream of having one day! So to be recognized among so many phenomenal people really rejuvenated my passion for my job and the company. This also reaffirmed that the organization, indeed, recognizes other abilities and specialties in addition to "showing them the money". I'm so happy and grateful for that.
Lastly, it's because I truly believe what I told my boss. I love to learn new things. But having a full time job makes me shamefully complacent and unmotivated to explore education opportunities. So to have the opportunity given to me by my company is absolutely amazing.
On top of all that, our raises finally kicked in! Due to the economic climate, my company made the decision to freeze any raises that were earned in July until January. Since this decision prevented any lay offs, I couldn't really get upset. But thank goodness they finally kicked in! Things were basically sunshine and roses.
Then, two days ago, I found out the my largest account - which is actually an umbrella for several smaller accounts - decided that they couldn't be my client this year, after all. Understandably, the economy and proposed state budget cuts are freaking them out (there really isn't a better term because they really are freaked out) and they feel they need to save every penny. And I really mean it - I UNDERSTAND. But I am losing 25% of the total income I brought in last year. See, even though I knew it was going to be a pretty hard year, I counted on the fact that I would at least generate the same amount of revenue that I did last year. I sought out all my clients at the end of the fiscal year to get recommitments for this year. Then I worked hard to bring in new accounts, more than making up for the ones I couldn't renew. I even projected that I would have an increase this year, just not a large one. Now I am missing 1/4 of last year's revenue. I will have a very difficult time reaching last year's numbers. Pretty improbable since I would have to have NONE of my other accounts drop. Attrition of some kind is always a factor and I would have to have zero attrition in order to achieve last year's numbers.
Basically, no matter what I do, I will not get a good end of the year evaluation. Because my job, and I knew this when I took it, is primarily evaluated on the revenue I bring in. Sure, I can be a great employee. I could even score top notch marks on every other aspect of my position. And maybe my boss will give me a perfect evaluation. But it won't matter. Because 80% of my review is if I made an increase from last year's numbers. If I do not make an increase or, at the very least, reach last year's revenue, I will automatically get a poor review.
How's that for royally effed?
I still love my job. And I'm very thankful to HAVE a job. It's just, well, I have the competitive side of me. The side that wants to be one of the best and, HELL YAH wants to beat my last year's self, is really disappointed. I will continue to work hard. I will continue to give my job my all. But in the back of my mind, I will know that no matter what I do, I will not do nearly as well as last year and that my evaluation will be sub par. And that blows.
So there you have it. Regarding work, I had a really great week two weeks ago. And then I had a crappy end of the week just two days ago. But any way you slice it, I am happy to be working.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Irony ... stupidity?
As I write on this blog that is WIDE OPEN to the internet, I realize that there is quite an irony to my entry. Here's the thing ... I have this short-term memory, I think. There was a reason I got my ass off of Friendster. Then I wasn't so active on MySpace. And now there's Facebook. That damn thing is addicting. We all know why - you can peek into people's lives without talking to them (yes, voyeurism) as well as reconnect with people you drifted away from and just another way to keep an already strong relationship. Great, right? Right.
Well, because I'm not completely mentally disabled (to what extent I AM disabled, I'm not sure) I won't go into the specific incident and it's nothing big but I realize now that I like NOT being connected to everyone that has come in and out of my life. I know that I can be dramatic (or as the Filipinos like to call it - OA) but I sincerely think I'm pretty good about keeping drama out of my life. Sure, I like to observe it every so often because, well, it makes thing lively. But I keep my circle very small so I don't have it IN my life. I don't mean to be ironic. Or is it contrary? Or just effin' complicated? See, I am a friendly person. I like meeting with people and chatting with folks. But I also like to keep things compartmentalized. And I like to keep a routine and I like no drama IN my routine. Anyway, thanks to my friendliness and thanks to Facebook, it's not exactly that way anymore. Nothing big happened, but I thought, "Maybe I should delete my FB account." I know, it's only as personal as you make it so I could put absolutely nothing personal about me on it. But it's also the self-restraint that I do NOT possess and that I look up people that I should avoid.
Ahhh, I don't know. Still thinking about what to do.
Well, because I'm not completely mentally disabled (to what extent I AM disabled, I'm not sure) I won't go into the specific incident and it's nothing big but I realize now that I like NOT being connected to everyone that has come in and out of my life. I know that I can be dramatic (or as the Filipinos like to call it - OA) but I sincerely think I'm pretty good about keeping drama out of my life. Sure, I like to observe it every so often because, well, it makes thing lively. But I keep my circle very small so I don't have it IN my life. I don't mean to be ironic. Or is it contrary? Or just effin' complicated? See, I am a friendly person. I like meeting with people and chatting with folks. But I also like to keep things compartmentalized. And I like to keep a routine and I like no drama IN my routine. Anyway, thanks to my friendliness and thanks to Facebook, it's not exactly that way anymore. Nothing big happened, but I thought, "Maybe I should delete my FB account." I know, it's only as personal as you make it so I could put absolutely nothing personal about me on it. But it's also the self-restraint that I do NOT possess and that I look up people that I should avoid.
Ahhh, I don't know. Still thinking about what to do.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Just had to add my favorite 2008 exchange w/ my husband, Jon
Me: "Hon, did you grow up on a farm or a ranch?"
Jon: "A house! Would you quit trying to make me sound Country?!"
Me: "OK, fine. Where did you play when you were growing up?"
Jon: "On a ranch."
I just stared at him until he started cracking up.
Mmm-hmm.
Although I tease him, I keep telling him that I'm being affectionate when I call him my Country Boy. He was proud of his dad's ranch and *shhhhhh, don't tell him* I actually think it's really cool that he's Country. It's different from my Ghetto Suburbs background. And when I think of "Country" I think of this -
But I think HE thinks that I'M thinking of this -
Jon: "A house! Would you quit trying to make me sound Country?!"
Me: "OK, fine. Where did you play when you were growing up?"
Jon: "On a ranch."
I just stared at him until he started cracking up.
Mmm-hmm.
Although I tease him, I keep telling him that I'm being affectionate when I call him my Country Boy. He was proud of his dad's ranch and *shhhhhh, don't tell him* I actually think it's really cool that he's Country. It's different from my Ghetto Suburbs background. And when I think of "Country" I think of this -
But I think HE thinks that I'M thinking of this -
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Goodbye 2008 ... Why helllllo there, 2009!
This blog was started before my birthday. And then I got sick. And then Christmas beat me over with a stick. And then I got lazy and procrastinated. So here we are, kicking off 2009 - with a late, leftover entry :)
In 2008, a couple of big things happened. I got married! I completed one year in my job! (I didn't think this was a big feat until my last job which I hated a mere few months after I started - so now I celebrate completing a year.) I turned the bit 3-0! Let's start with that, shall we?
Sure, being in my 20s and looking kind of young always felt like a handicap in the "real world." I was seen as a kid at times and I hated it. Before anyone slaps me, please know that I have a new appreciation for looking youthful and now treasure it. I also realize that when I make a dumb ass decision now, versus back in my 20s, I'm now going to be seen as just a dumb ass adult instead of being dismissed as being a naive kid or young adult. Just as well.
Sure, being in my 20s and looking kind of young always felt like a handicap in the "real world." I was seen as a kid at times and I hated it. Before anyone slaps me, please know that I have a new appreciation for looking youthful and now treasure it. I also realize that when I make a dumb ass decision now, versus back in my 20s, I'm now going to be seen as just a dumb ass adult instead of being dismissed as being a naive kid or young adult. Just as well.
Oh my goodness ... getting married TO THE RIGHT GUY FOR ME was such a fantastic time in my life. People will ask me, "Do you like being married?" and I feel like I have to add a little detail because, yes, I like being married to The Man. But it wasn't like I was ready to take the first proposal tossed at me. And being a serial monogamist, I have been in a previous relationship that wasn't healthy for either one of us. If my ex and I had gotten married, we would either be in years of counseling (best scenario ... no really, BEST), divorced, or in a terrible marriage and cheating on each other (worst scenario ... and pretty realistic.) Getting married was not a goal. Getting married to The Man was absolutely something I really wanted and feel very blessed that we stumbled upon each other and worked. So having what ended up to be the wedding of my dreams last year was awesome. It probably helped that we were on vacation for two weeks in one of my most favorite places and we had a total of three weeks off from our day to day schedules. It was all around a wonderful and memorable time and my favorite of 2008.
Have I accomplished everything I wanted to do by the time I turned 30? What DID I want to do?
Depending upon which part in my 20s someone would have asked me, the answer regarding my career would have been different. I never dreamed of working in non-profit and fund raising. But when I tried something other than that I realized that this is where I belong. I found out quickly that I was not up to event planning or broadcasting (even though I had three internships and a degree in that field.) Or Sales. Although I am very happy professionally, in terms of my career, I would have to say no, I haven't accomplished what I wanted to do by now. Because, at 30, I would have really liked to already have discovered where my passion lies ... then I could say if I wanted to be in upper management. Or in human resources. Or be in marketing. But at least being in the right industry is a good start. But I need to discover what my passion is so I can steer my career in a clearer direction.
I'm happy that I found the person I'm supposed to be with and started a life with him. I didn't consider it a goal to be married by 30 but I think it was just an expectation that I had. Like graduating from high school. I expected that I would have found the right guy by this time. Wonder if I put more or less pressure on myself? In any case, lucky for me, it happened. Not because I think it's bad to be single. But because I'm a TERRIBLE dater. I hate dating! It was so painful for me.
That pesky yet relevant yearly resolution regarding weight. Oh boy. Well, what's funny is that I'm much more comfortable in my skin now than when I was younger. And I was definitely thinner in my early and mid 20s. Well, it's like this. I wish I had appreciated what I had looked like when I was younger. And I have always done something - hula, yoga, personal training. But I found myself not motivated enough to work out during a period of time last year, using my busy work schedule as an excuse in mid August, September and October. It got to a point where I was disgusted with myself because I wasn't doing ANYTHING. I had been interested in this particular boot camp close to my house but put it off. And put it off. I finally checked it out. I've been going for over two months and it is the best thing I've done for my health and well being in a very long time. Of course, I hope that I will slim down as a result of working hard in boot camp! So while I am content with my body and health, I am in the PROCESS of being where I want to be :)
As for the other things like buying a home or traveling more when I was younger, a little part of me does wish I had done those things in my 20s. But I had/have a happy life. I'm really quite content. I don't think I have any true regrets other than appreciating more the time I had with all the people that I love. It's taken me some time to live in the moment and not wish for things I don't have. That's probably the only thing I would do over.
So hello 2009! I hope you're as good to me as your sista-girl, 2008. Feel free to even be better ... if you want :)
PS: We are putting off taking down our Christmas decorations until this weekend. The Man commented that it feels like we had just put them up! That's what happens when we get sick for a week. Effin' Flu.
That pesky yet relevant yearly resolution regarding weight. Oh boy. Well, what's funny is that I'm much more comfortable in my skin now than when I was younger. And I was definitely thinner in my early and mid 20s. Well, it's like this. I wish I had appreciated what I had looked like when I was younger. And I have always done something - hula, yoga, personal training. But I found myself not motivated enough to work out during a period of time last year, using my busy work schedule as an excuse in mid August, September and October. It got to a point where I was disgusted with myself because I wasn't doing ANYTHING. I had been interested in this particular boot camp close to my house but put it off. And put it off. I finally checked it out. I've been going for over two months and it is the best thing I've done for my health and well being in a very long time. Of course, I hope that I will slim down as a result of working hard in boot camp! So while I am content with my body and health, I am in the PROCESS of being where I want to be :)
As for the other things like buying a home or traveling more when I was younger, a little part of me does wish I had done those things in my 20s. But I had/have a happy life. I'm really quite content. I don't think I have any true regrets other than appreciating more the time I had with all the people that I love. It's taken me some time to live in the moment and not wish for things I don't have. That's probably the only thing I would do over.
So hello 2009! I hope you're as good to me as your sista-girl, 2008. Feel free to even be better ... if you want :)
PS: We are putting off taking down our Christmas decorations until this weekend. The Man commented that it feels like we had just put them up! That's what happens when we get sick for a week. Effin' Flu.
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