Heart Breaker or Heart Ache-r?

Being sick has its disadvantages. The obvious is, well, being sick. And, of course, if you're like me and totally useless when ill then there's having to take time off work to lay in a NyQuil-induced coma.
And FaceBook didn't exactly help me any. Because when I am sick and in bed all damn day, there is nothing to do except look up people that should be left in the past. But I can't help myself. AND DON'T EVEN FAKE IT BECAUSE I KNOW I'M NOT ON MY OWN. Friendster, MySpace and FaceBook are convenient ways for us to keep tabs on the people we no longer talk to or make us think back of all the people who crossed our paths just to see what they've been up to since we last saw them.
And then, of course, because my mind can never just REST and always has to be busy even if it's to think of things that are useless or irrelevant to my happy life today, I wondered if the people I remembered and thought to look up did the same with me. And that's friends, enemies, old coworkers, old sorority sisters, ex-boyfriends and ex-crushes. But see, with me, I haven't had that many men in my life prior to The Man. And it's not something I regret, it just made me think.
I only have one ex-boyfriend and two significant crushes in my life. And a couple of guys that caught my eye. But that is it. Crazy isn't it? I mean, I've only had two serious boyfriends and I married one of them so there ya go. It is very easy for me to remember the past relationships because there were not that many in my life, making the few that occurred significant moments in my life.
And, because I just had way too much time lying in bed trying to breathe without coughing, I realized that the roles they had in my life were probably a lot more important and significant than the role I played in theirs. Because if there are, say four men that made a strong impact in your life, you are going to remember them. But if there was that one woman out of 15, well, you're going to kind of remember her and when you had gone out with her in your life. Maybe.
I'd like to think I'm memorable. I'd like to think I broke a heart or two. How morbid is that?! I may have bruised a couple of egos in my day. But I'm pretty sure I wasn't a heart breaker. I didn't let too many guys in my life (out of fear, already being in a relationship, and sometimes just too damn picky) so I can remember when I went out with these fellows and most of the details of the relationship. Although out of the four, two were just very long, twisted crushes where I gave them entirely too much power that, luckily, they had very little idea they had it because, unluckily, I was inept in expressing my feelings making me a pro (not that I realized it then) at sending mixed signals. But that huge flaw is another entry all together.
My point is that I am not a heart breaker. I am a heart ache-r. I've had my heart break or ache at least four times by two men who probably didn't even know they did it. And I don't mean I was necessarily in love. I just mean that period where you're sobbing uncontrollably in your pillow and you can't eat or sleep because you feel like your heart has been smashed by a hammer. And yes, The Man is counted in that four ... and obviously we made up. Thankfully I figured out how to articulate my feelings with him!
Although I complain about how busy my work keep me, I'm relieved to be throwing myself back into something where I can use my restless mind for good rather than drivel like wondering if I made an impact on the lives that made an impact on me. But if you have the time, think about it ...
Are you a heart breaker or heart ache-r? It's kind of a trip.

I talked to a friend about this and how ridiculous I felt for even thinking about this because I am in a beautiful and wonderful relationship and love my husband with all my heart. Why am I thinking about past relationships? Well, it really isn't about the men and "what if." I know exactly "what if" and dodged some potentially horrible relationships and lived through a tumultuous one. I am blessed to be with the best of the best. It's more of an ego thing, I suppose. And I know it's great to be a confident woman who knows her self worth. But I also don't mind the humbleness of it all that, well, just because someone was once important to you, your significance in their life may not be the same. And it's truly OK.
Unless you are sick and have way too much to think about and you kind of wished that you had been a heart breaker!