What's the difference between graduating college & having a baby?

I swear I wrote this already but, when I looked back on my entries, I couldn't find it. So either I thought I wrote about it but didn't or I'm just a lousy researcher now.
You may or may not already know this but I have a dream about my college years at least once a week. Every time I wake up, I'm a little sad because I realize that those days are long gone. Then I feel guilty. I mean, do I wish I could go back and relive those days? Are those days the best years of my life?
Luckily, the answer is yes and NO.
Yes, I sometimes wish I could relive those days. At that time of my life, everything and anything seemed possible. I'm certain it was the most liberal, thought-provoking time in my life. But it was also a sheltered time because I wasn't worried about a mortgage, bills and health insurance. Mom and Dad were footing the bills. I was allowed to concentrate on my studies, what I wanted to become, falling in love and where I would live after graduation. Essentially, planning my adult life.
I've already written about what I would do over. I loved university life for so many reasons. In addition to what I've written already, it was the first time I felt like I belonged. Specifically, when I started taking courses in my major. College also introduced me to all types of people. This was such a breath of fresh air since high school was stifling. Who knows, maybe high school was filled with diverse people but it felt like we were all just trying to survive by hiding what made us different and just trying to be as mainstream as possible. In college, being unique was celebrated and, sometimes, the more unique the better! Within reason ;) I miss a lot of things. I miss that sheltered environment - being on the brink of the "real world" without having to deal with real world situations, I miss the incredibly liberal and thought-proking environment and I miss the diversity.
While I loved this time of my life, I'm happy to write that these were not the best years. How sad would that be? I would be pretty depressed if the best time of my life peaked in college. I love so much of my life now than ever before. I am truly in love and have found my partner in life. This is the happiest I've ever been with another person. I don't miss that feeling of loneliness, unhappiness or uncertainty when it came to love earlier in my life. I'm incredibly happy with The Man, The Bun & The Pups. I love our little household, my beautiful family and friends. I've been blessed to be surrounded by incredible people.
I think I also have a much better appreciation for those I love. I try my hardest to not take them for granted and show them the patience, love and help they deserve. I think I'm much better at prioritizing (although I could always be better) and I try extremely hard to be in the moment. Also a work in progress. But I didn't have the mindset or perhaps the maturity to think about things like that in college.
So, knowing a huge reason that I loved university life is because I loved the endless possibilities of what I could become once I graduated, why am I TERRIFIED of having another baby?
Yes, yes, it is old news that I'm open to having another baby. After two-going-on-three years of being adamantly against it, I am embracing the thought of having another child. But that doesn't stop me fretting over the unknown. But what's great about having a blog is being able to reflect. And, because I'd like to think I'm also self-aware, I know that that's my thing. I am somewhat of an anxious person. I am a worrywart. I worry about how our schedules will change once The Bun has to start going to school. Or if her day care provider or grandparents can't take care of her anymore. Of course, I also worry at the thought of trying to balance my already chaotic life with another child in it. I worry about basically anything upsetting the harmonious balance we have right now. But, as we all know, anything can happen. People can get sick. One of us can get laid off. Life happens. So why can't I embrace the unknown the way I could when I was graduating college?
Thought-provoking stuff, huh? ;)
That's how I'm going to think about life moving forward. Not just about children but any change, in general. I mean, I'm sure I'm romanticizing my college years. I know I freaked the eff out back then, as well. But, in the spirit of living in the moment and living without regret, I'm going to embrace the unknown. Because, as I get older, I have become more anxious (if that's possible) about change. Change & the unknown mean having no control. And that scares the bajeezus out of me. But, that's no way to live. That's not how I want to live.
Love and gratitude. That's how I want to be and how I want to live life. And yes, I think I'm turning into a big ol' hippie.

How is it almost three days until Christmas??

As soon as Thanksgiving rolled around, I pulled out the Christmas decorations. I paced myself but decorations were up by the second week of December. I created a Christmas gift list and completed 90% of it by mid-December. I also had greeting cards out around the same time. I made a TON of cookie dough the first week of December so all I would have to do is take them out of the freezer and stick in the oven.
Then I got caught up in life again. And NOW it's three days until Christmas.
I still have to:
- buy 1 more gift (for my brother)
- cook the rest of the damn cookies I had made last month
- buy more cookie containers because I had low-balled the amount I needed even though I had made a list
- clean the house (vacuum the 2nd floor, clean all the bathrooms, dust, kitchen counter tops but The Man will probably clean the tile)
- deliver the cookie gifts to recipients (Doggie Doc, Chiropractor, Yoga Studio, and my brothers roommates & caregivers)
- cook a couple dishes for our post Christmas lunch w/ out of town family
- buy ingredients for said dishes
- fold a $hit ton of clothes that have been piling up for two weeks (I'm great at keeping up with washing clothes, terrible about folding and putting away)
- pick up Christmas Day lunch (thankfully purchased)

I want to go to sleep and believe a fairy will take care of all of this for me. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I just don't know how time got away from me.
-------------------------------
12/23 update at 10:17 PM.
buy brother's gift - done!
buy cookie containers - done!
bake all cookies - done!
fold clothes - I found out that we have SEVEN loads of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. SEVEN!! I figured this out by the number of dryer sheets I found in the huge pile of clothes. Thankfully, most are done. All that is left is The Man's clothes (I put away his underwear and socks)
cookie delivery - almost all done

Still got to clean house (ughhhhh), pick up Christmas meal and buy ingredients for post Christmas day. Still a lot of stuff but feeling pretty good. Just NOT looking forward to cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming the stairs (I don't mind even flooring but stairs are a pain in the rear) and whatever else neeeds to be cleaned. But I love me some Christmas so I'm gonna get 'er done!

Because I have to be all-around mushy, not just Mommy mushy

I think I’ve written a little about this before. I like certain movie genres. I won’t watch romance, tragedies, romantic tragedies, thrillers or depressing documentaries (well, PBS does suck me into those unknowingly) because I want to be entertained. And by entertain, I mean laugh and feel happy at the end. I don’t want to bawl buckets. I probably wrote this already but I outright REFUSE to watch The Notebook.
That leaves romantic comedies, comedies, and action. I’m sure there are more but those are the ones I will watch. My favorite, however, are the romantic comedies. I’m a sucker for those. But they have to be good. They have to be smart, not so predictable yet generally happy movies. I recognize that this is hard to achieve without being formulaic. But that’s why they get paid the big bucks, right? Here’s the thing. I’m also the person who generally dislikes love songs. I find them sappy and just a bunch of noise. I have exceptions like anything sang by Boyz II Men but I think that’s more nostalgia than anything else.
“You’re picky!” you say. “That doesn’t make any sense!” Well, it doesn’t have to because I know what I like and that in itself makes perfect sense to me. It’s just my preference, my taste. As I get older, however, all romantic comedies don’t cut it anymore. I think it’s the whole predictability factor. Here is a list of the ones I love off the top of my head:
• Waitress
• Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
• Stranger than Fiction
And thanks to The Man, I’m adding one more to the list:
• Crazy Stupid Love
I love this movie! It’s smart, funny and unpredictable. Best of all, it left me feeling good about life. THAT is entertainment to me. The best part? I saw a bit of my relationship in this movie. And maybe that’s why I love certain movies – I can identify with aspects of them and it makes me appreciate what I have even more. Without giving too much away, I will say, no, it wasn’t the cheating part. It was the scene in which two of the characters talk the entire night. They stayed up and instead of just getting down to business, they end up getting to know each other and laughing almost the entire time. And yes, start to fall in love. It is a romantic comedy, after all.
I had that. I still do. Minus the staying up the entire night because sleep is a valuable commodity in my household. But the laughing. Oh, we do plenty of laughing. Our life couldn’t be labeled exciting and there are plenty of mundane tasks we do. But The Man makes me laugh a lot. And I know that I make him laugh with my antics. I can honestly say our house is filled with a lot of love and laughter. I treasure that. I don’t take it for granted and, if anything, I’m paranoid we will lose it one day. Life can be difficult. There are many challenges and stressful situations and they can cause two people to forget to appreciate and love each other.
In addition to the good writing and acting, this is why I love the movie so much. It reminds me why I love The Man and why I love and treasure our life together. Those moments, those talks and laughing fits, are so important and desired enough that they were put into a movie. And I have that. Of course, having a hot hubby also helps. (This will only make sense if you’ve seen the movie.) When Emma Stone’s character says Ryan Gosling’s character looks photoshopped, I remember thinking almost the exact same thing when I saw The Man. Mmm-hmm, I have quite a few things to appreciate in my life. I’m not bragging, I’m appreciative.

Christmas Cards - tardy but DONE!

I am the woman who has had her card in her recipents' hot little hands by the day after Thanksgiving. Not this year, though. Oh well, done, nevertheless!!!
Now I have to make labels, stuff, stamp and send. So really, I'm only 20% done. Dang.

Picture Joy Christmas

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Almost Christmas Season!!!!!!

Could I have anymore exclamation points?!?!?!?!?!?
I love Christmas. LOVE. Never watched the movie but I feel like this is what they meant in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Minus the Jamaican vacation and sexual exploits. Okay, so maybe nothing like it. What I mean is that my life is really fantastic right now. Perfect, no, but I need for nothing and am very happy and content.
I am so excited for Christmas! I can't wait to decorate. I will say this, though. I never took it for granted but it was pretty awesome to work from home. No wasted time commuting to and from an office and maximum use of time by being able to fit in chores here and there. It's a lot harder getting home stuff done not having that added benefit of a home office. But it's a give and take because I really like my office mates and my career opportunities are brighter now that I work in a regular office. Anyway, back to my main point.
I have to clean house before I feel I can decorate. *sigh* And, for the first time in three years, I will not have our family holiday cards mailed out the day after Thanksgiving. Dammit, that one really hurts. it's not so much lack of time as it is bad scheduling. I thought we would be able to use photos from our vacation but they didn't work out. So we scheduled a local photographer whom we really like. Unfortunately, Her next available appointment was a month out which is the week of Thanksgiving. And we won't get the photos for another week or so which really pushes back the holiday cards because those take a couple weeks to get and then for us to mail out. I estimate mid-December, hopefully. But it's OK. With a toddler and two pups, gone are the days when The Man can take the photos himself. Not only was that very economical ( can't beat free!) but it was comical, as well. He would pose us and then run to his spot, sometimes tripping and often times sweating from the many trial and errors. Of course, he would also have to chuck something at the camera so pups and baby wouldn't stare at him after he ran to his place in our photo. Ah, memories. He took the holiday card photos in '08, '09 & '10, bless his heart. Before then, we used an engagement photo and, in '08, we had included a photo from our wedding. These cards mean a lot to me, if you couldn't already tell.
Yup, I'm the gal who listens to Christmas music as soon as radio stations play it. And now, thanks to Pandora, I start in the beginning of November instead of having to wait for the week of Thanksgiving to get my Jingle Bells & White Christmas! Hope you have a great holiday season:)

So THIS is what they meant when they say, "Cute as a bug!"

The Bun's first Halloween.
Well, her first time trick-or-treating. Technically, this is her 3rd. Her first Halloween, she was fresh out of the oven. Her second, she couldn't walk. So here she is, on her first trick-or-treat outing.

See what I mean?

You can't braid a baby's hair:

I know this isn't the best french braid but I didn't want to scare her by pulling on her hair too much or making it too tight. This is, however, the first time that she a) stayed still long enough for me to complete it and b) had hair long enough to be french braided.
I know it's silly but, for so long, I've only been able to do a couple of things because her hair was so wispy and short. In other words, she's had baby hair forever.
Until now.
Now she is a little girl who can have braided hair. Wow. Feels like it's all of sudden even though it's been happening before my very eyes.
I can't say it enough. She is a constant reminder that life is short, time is fleeting and if I concentrate too much on the future or tasks that seem important at the time (but really aren't), I could miss so much.

Thankful I turned to the World Wide Web to write a semi private journal

Nope, that wasn't meant to smack of sarcasm. It's true.
My blog is public but I use nicknames which is why I wrote, "semi-private." A little dellusional, I admit, considering I post easily recognizable photos and situations (if one knew me.) I am truly thankful, however, that I got into writing a blog because I've recorded so many important things in my life. My only real regret is not taking the time to do it lately because of the instant gratification appeal of Facebook and because life has gotten a lot busier than when I first started. In AUGUST 2005.
That's right, two thousand mutha effin' five! (I don't know why getting ghetto for a quick second seemed appropriate but it did.) I can't believe I've had this teeny tiny sliver of the internet since then. And, after reading the first entry, I realize that I've kept the same profile photo this whole time! I can't help it. Even after all these years, I like it.
Do you read your old entries? It may seem narcissistic but I enjoy reading them. For instance, I decided to read all the entries labeled "getting hitched" because getting married was one of the happiest times of my life! And a year or so ago, I remember reading all the "sticky bun" entries because I wanted to recall what it had been like for me.
I'm so glad that I've kept a journal. I love this journal1 Reading those past entries made me remember just how much I treasure this little sliver and I want to be better about writing regularly. I know, time and time again I've written this as have many of my other blogger friends. It just seems like so much more of a challenge, doesn't it? As we get older, more responsibilities accrue and, particularly with kids, our time is no longer just "our" time. One of my faults? Sometimes I'm just to stinkin' tired by the time my baby goes to sleep that I just veg out and forget everything else.
Well, I want to live life to its fullest. And while sitting in front of a computer writing isn't always the best use of my time, I will make more of an effort to write about what I love, what I want to change, what I want to do and what makes me happy. (And, on occasion, what grosses me out. Like there appears to be a quite a few entries about bodily fluids. Ick.) Because having these entries to reflect upon years later is pretty awesome. Particularly when special moments in my life occur and those small details I took the time to write about then would have been all but forgotten. But, luckily, they won't be.
Thank you, Blogger. Thank you, fellow bloggers, for inspiring me to keep at it even though it feels like we're dwindling. And thank you World Wide Web for letting me have this teeny tiny place for my thoughts.

Scared

The Man and I know we want another child. We both know that having a sibling is an amazing experience and if we're able to give that to the Bun, we should. And our deadline of when we want to start trying again is fast approaching.  The Man is good to go but I've got a bunch of nerves.
What I'm scare of :
Failing as a mom - I'm scared that my patience is not infinite and that I will turn into the person that snaps at her husband and/or kids. I don't ever want to be that woman. I'd like to believe I'm pretty simple in my needs and one of them is having downtime. The other is sleep. Those two factors make a drastic difference in my attitude and both are practically non existent when one is a new mom.
Strain on my marriage - Maybe we won't snap at our kids. But I've seen couples become less lovey dovey because it takes effort. Or they're just downright mean to each other. I will admit, there are times when The Man and I are short with each other or have gotten into fights that really weren't necessary. We get more sleep now because The Bun sleeps through the night but it was rough when we were lacking rest.
Money - We're not rich. Having another baby scares the bajeezus after me because our budget is just so. Any additions are going to cause us to move from comfortable to tight. At the very least.
Body - Oh boy, it took nearly two years for me to lose the baby weight. And while my body is not the same shape, I'm overjoyed I was able to do it. But I'm still 8 lbs from goal weight which is the weight I was for most of my 20s. My weightloss has been very challenging. Every pound makes a difference on my 5'1" frame. I've written this before but I believe in the whole theory of bodies having "fat memory" and the longer I hold onto this weight, the more my body believes this is my normal weight and the harder it is to get these pounds off. Having another baby will not make this easier.
Career - I used to be able to easily work late or on the weekends. I used to have no problem taking on additional work that took additional time. I could easily volunteer for things or make time to get my work done. Now it is very difficult to work after hours and, if I can swing it, it takes a bit of planning. Even with a strong support system consisting of my husband, parents and Ava's day care! How crazy will it be with another baby? Stupid crazy. How will I be able to excel in my career if I'm going to spread myself even thinner?!
Time - There already seems to not be enough of it. 
These are just a few of the worries that I can recall. And for each "objections", I've either heard the rebuttle or have said it myself. Note that it does NOT help when people tell me women have been doing this since the beginning of time. But what does help me is to draw upon the examples and experiences of those around me. I see my family and friends sucessfully balance this crazy juggling that most mothers do.
Also, when it comes down to it, I try to always remember the adage, be in the moment. I don't want to waste any time fretting about what I want but don't have or what could be but isn't. It's hard because I'm a planner. And a worrier. I want to make sure I do everything to be sucessful. And, if I'm not sure, it seems like a big risk. I've discovered that when it comes to things like this, sometimes you have to just do it. And that scares the $*#% of me because I don't want anything to blow up in my face. The unknown, the things I have no control over, is so scary to me.
But I was scared to have The Bun. And the joy she has brought to our lives, the appreciation she has instilled in me ... all the stress and worry is worth it. She has made me a more giving, loving, and over all better person. Along with my husband and parents by showing me what LOVE looks like. And they all really have done that! Plus, she is growing up to be an awesome kid! (Another worry - how will I ever be blessed to have another baby as awesome as her? It's not possible! See? Worry, worry, worry.)
Yup, I'm still scared. Dare I say, scared $%^#less. It's true. I'm scared to fail, I'm scared to wreck the current wonderful life I have, I'm scared of so many things. But there is something inside of me that says that if we are able to have another child, we should do it.  Believe me, I can have a conversation all by myself that goes around and around indefinitely and even though I've pretty much talked myself out of it, what it comes down to it is being scared of the unknown. And that's no way to live. I would have never fallen in love w/ The Man. I would have never chosen my career. I would have never left my home.
So we're going to just do it. Or, at least, try. (Not yet, though, so no emails please!!!!) Call me bat$%^# crazy but that's the plan. Well, don't call me bat$%^# crazy but I would understand why you would think it.

Great, when I finally have a minute to write, I forget all the ideas that come to my head while driving.

Story of my life. I think of incredibly thought-provoking (or so I believe at the time) subjects and when I am finally in front of a computer and finally have a few minutes to jot them down, I can't think of a single one. Serious!
Well, we had a great time in Hawaii for The Bun's 2nd Birthday. All but the ending was fantastic. I wrote THREE PAGES, single typed to Hawaiian Airlines, regarding our return flight so why soil my little blog with anger and frustration?
I was right to assume it would not be relaxing. We also didn't explore like we normally would. But do I wish it had been anything different? Nope! Our little Bun had such a great time! She loved the beach. Loved, loved, loved it! Unfortunately, her mama and daddy didn't realize that the waves were a lot calmer just a few yards away. So while Bun loved it, she was also fighting for her life every time a wave came. Or so it seemed! She slept hard at night so I know she was working hard during the day:)
She also loved that we had adjoining rooms with her grandparents. LOVED it. What's funny is I forgot how much I, myself, loved it as a kid! She got a real kick out of being able to walk back and forth and visit with everyone. It was nice because it gave us a little relief to not have to watch her like a hawk all the time. And at night, bless my parents, they watched her while we walked around Waikiki. It was only for an hour or so at night but to have that little break each night was really nice. Just one of the many gifts my parents gave us.
I know she's wee little but I hope she remembers this because it was such a special vacation.

Why are sunsets so much prettier in Hawaii? Someone tell me the science behind this!

Our first evening and we just had to show her the water! Too bad it was already getting chilly.

I really wanted to take family portraits with the photographer from our wedding. I'm sentimental like that.



How beautiful is this? She loves her Nana & Papa.



It was hard to get good photos of her because she had little sleep compared to her normal 12 hours:(

She wanted to be done and be in the water already. Couldn't really blame her!

"What's up? Aren't we done yet?"

Had to get a few couple photos. Love him so much.

Can't believe she won't be this small forever.

So happy we were finally doing something she wanted to do! :)

The best we could do with The Pout!

See this right here? This is pure JOY.

Baby's 1st Luau :)

She was getting so much attention. I'm bias but she was pretty darn cute!

The Bun in her Super Suit (Daddy was concerned for her skin because while she is a brown baby, he didn't want to risk any burn! So she wore a hat, full length suit and water shoes:) w/ her studly Daddy.

Can't believe how fast it flew. Normally, 5 days in Hawaii just isn't enough for me. With all the money spent and the time it takes to travel, I like at least 7 days. But with The Bun and my folks with their physical limitations, 5 days was perfect. Plus, all the added costs like puppy boarding and The Man's non-paid Time Off, I totally get why people tend to stay home when they have families! Unfortunately, because our trip ended on a sour note, all of us were more than happy to be home and beyond exhaustion. Literally - we had been up for over 24 hours! But the upside is that we appreciate HOME and were happy to be back.
It was a lovely vacation in a beautiful location with The Bun absolutely surrounded by love. If I focus on that, there really isn't more that I could ask for.

Almost Two

Dear Bun,

You are one week away from being a whole TWO YEARS OLD. Like everyone has said at one time, "Where does the time go?"
Today I bought you a hairbrush. It wasn't just any ol' kiddie hairbrush. It was for an adult. Because the baby combs and brushes we have for you just don't cut it anymore. In fact, you and I have been sharing a hairbrush for a month now because you just have that much hair! (You can thank me and your daddy later for that.)
You are walking, you are talking and the world is your oyster. I knew it would be fun seeing the world in your eyes. And it is. But I think it's even more fun watching you discover the world. Your sheer joy is intoxicating and addicting. I just want to see you happy over and over again. Icky sweet? Maybe. But I don't care.
I can't wait to take you to one of my favorite places in the whole wide world. I know it's going to be one of your favorites too because you like the beach! By the way, Baby, later on you will see that not all beaches are the same and that there are some that are way better than others. And I'm taking you to one of the best. At least, in my limited knowledge but I have it on good authority that it really is;)
It's funny, a co-worker asked me if I was excited to go on vacation because I'll be able to relax.
Baby, I love you but there is no relaxing vacation with you. And that's OK! I explained to my colleague that it's different now that I have a baby. Vacations aren't relaxing anymore but the trade off is getting to see everything through your eyes. And sure, relaxation is a wonderful thing (your mama loves her some sleep), I know that these days aren't forever. I know that, one day, you will be more independent. And then, one day, going on vacation with your parents isn't going to be your #1 choice. (Thinking about that makes me wonder how many times I broke your grandparents' hearts:( You remember that, Bun.) So despite the fact that vacations are no longer about R & R, I'm excited to go. I'm excited to be with you, your Daddy, Nana and Papa and being with so many people I love in one place. Sure, I fully expect your Nana and Papa to drive me nuts with their shenanigans. But without you even knowing it, you have taught me to treasure every moment in life because it all goes by so very fast.
Happy almost birthday, my big girl.

I love you,
Mama

So Shutterfly will give me $10 off my next purchase if I post this ...

Very Merry Montage Christmas Card

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So of course I did! Got a jump start on Christmas cards (only because of another fantastic promotion Shutterfly offered ... I really should be making money off of these plugs). We will have another version since we are taking holiday photos but thought I'd play around with the photos we have so far.

At pre-pregnancy weight. Boo-yah.

There are some ladies who can lose all the pregnancy weight they gained within a matter of weeks. In fact, there was one mama in my Mommy & Baby group who was in skinny jeans within the first month. I was NOT one of those ladies. I gained a total of 30 lbs. Oh, I know I was lucky. "Thirty pounds?!" some friends exclaimed. "That's nothing! I gained [enter a much larger #] pounds!" Yes, yes. I know that it could have been worse for me. But here was the problem. The first 20 lbs melted off like butter (thanks, Baby Blues!) but the last 10 were amazingly sticky. Then it became 10-15 lbs that stuck around. That might not seem much but it's roughly three dress sizes on my 5'1" frame. Over a year and a half later, I was still struggling w/ those 10-15 lbs. I don't know much about weight loss (obviously) or the complex workings of the human body. What I do know, and what I've even read somewhere to confirm my beliefs, is that your body has a memory. Just like muscle memory but FAT MEMORY. Sure at my skinniest I was 20 lbs lighter than my weight right now. But my body hasn't seen that number since I was 17 years old and very briefly when I was 25. I know it isn't realistic of me to shoot for that number because my body just hasn't really been at that number for a looooong period of time. But my body has been at what I've chosen as my goal weight for many years in my early and late 20s. It has been quite some time, as well, but I believe it's achievable. And I'm just now 10 lbs to it. What's changed? Several factors, I believe. I've always known what I needed to eat in order to lose weight but I wasn't willing to give it up. I loved bread, pasta and sweets. Mmmm, carbs. I knew I should cut back but it seemed like too big of a sacrifice. And when I cut back a little and didn't see results, I said "Eff it". After posting for a second or third time about my weight loss effort on Facebook, a friend messaged me and politely (without any pressure!) recommended a book that helped her lose 22 lbs. When she told me it didn't require her to do much cooking and she was still able to stick w/ it, the 22 lbs was enough testimonial for me! The other factor that helped quite a bit was that The Man was (and still is) training for a race. It's a pretty rigorous one and he decided to take his training uber-seriously. In addition to working out six days a week, he also cut out a lot of carbs in his diet. While we are not on the same diet plan, not having temptations in the house helped A LOT. I am weak. I love tasty food. But if it's not in the house and accessible, it's a lot easier for me to not eat it. Also, quite frankly, the peer pressure of having someone else in the house trying to lose weight and get in shape is a great motivation for me. We stock up the house w/ lots of protein and I have found a couple of items that help me w/ my sweet tooth. While I do not join him in his workouts every day, I do them about twice a week w/ him as well as my own light exercises. Side note: If you ever done the workout DVDs, "Insanity" or "P90X", you know that those are no joke. So I feel very content w/ my 2x a week with him! Yes, I stumble and cheat on my diet. I'm sure if I stuck to it 100%, I'd lose weight a little faster. But I'm really proud of myself because I HAVE stuck to it most of the time and am seeing results. I don't know my exact starting weight because I was doing my own thing prior to this diet but I've lost about 10 lbs. I realize that it is typical woman of me to fret about weight. But you know what? It IS a big deal to me and it does affect how I feel. It means a lot to me to get to my goal weight because I'm putting forth effort. And I really want to succeed. So I'm going to chip away at this and lose these last 10 lbs! Wish me luck.

What will I tell The Bun?

It has been over two years but the navel ring is back on.
Oh, that navel ring.
A little history on this piece of jewelry. And, of course, a little history on me.

In the Fall of 1996, I was in the process of my very first heart break. Not even with a boyfriend! A mere prom date. But I was unexperienced, a late bloomer, if you will. I had only experienced crushes from afar and had only one boyfriend for three weeks! So no, I had never had a real boyfriend :p Anyway, there was a perfect storm brewing. It was my first year in college, I just experienced my heart being crushed and I was 17-going-on-18. Oh dear lor', I have to toot my own horn for a second and just commend my younger self for not getting into heaps of trouble. Although, if I could do it all over again or somehow mentor my young self, I would encourage her to get into a wee bit of trouble and live a little. Because you're only 18 once ;)

I will also point out that in 1996, this was a good TWO years before the Britneys and Christinas. So, YAH, I had a belly button ring when it was still cool and an emerging trend. (I will not go so far as to say I was a trend setter because I was cautious enough to make sure I knew a few people who had them and didn't die of gangrene. Or ended up with some crazy growth.) But they certainly weren't as common as they are now when just about every 16 year old seems to get one as a rite of passage.

It's been a very long time so I can't recall every detail. I do know, however, that within two weeks of my 18th birthday, I wanted a navel ring. Here's the thing. I wanted something. I really wanted a tattoo but there was no design that I was passionate enough about to have on my body forever. I had already chopped off a foot of my hair earlier that fall (because of the heart ache) but I wanted to do something drastic. So I did. Remember, it wasn't as common as it it now!

I'm sure I asked someone to go with me but I don't remember if it was my boyfriend at the time (kind of a rebound situation because, remember, I was still getting over being heart broken) or a friend. I do remember, though, that it was some place in my hometown.

Big mistake, kids. Go to reputable cities that have lots of young adult angst residing or going to school there! Like Berkeley or San Francisco. *Sigh* Anyway, I'm sure it was also because they didn't tell me how to take care of it properly but it ended up getting infected. Nothing gross but it was so tender that I got fed up and took it out myself. Not sure how long I had the belly button ring but it was long enough for me to know that jeans were my enemy and to leave a small dark scar.

Well, a little over a year later, I have another break up, this time with a real boyfriend. And a result of me not treating my rebound boyfriend very nicely. So I went through the tragic feelings all over again, this time feeling like an a-hole on top of an aching heart because I definitely had been a contributing factor to the break up. And the only good thing that comes from my breaks up is that I lose weight. While I've never had a defined stomach, it was flat again because of the most recent break up. So I decide that with my sorority lil sis, I was going to try again. This time at a place in Berkeley that had been recommended by others.

I even remember the name. Zebra. How could you forget a huge plastic Zebra suspended above the entrance?



Yes, this place probably was probably playing Alanis Morisette or Offspring or Green Day. Something deliciously 90s. It was the kind of place that did all types of piercings, tattoos, and sold tobacco (sure, tobacco) paraphernalia. The kind in which all the employees wore black, girls and boys alike wore blue or black nail polish and just about everyone was outfitted in combat boots. Can I just mention that I MISS these kind of places? I'm far from a yuppie, because I tend to think of yuppies as preppy individuals with money. But my one-baby-two-pups butt probably wouldn't be welcomed into places like this anymore. I smack too much of wholesomeness.

I remember being in a dentist-like chair and the hip young adult, probably not even five years older than my 18 year old self, told me to pick out a soda from the portable fridge in the corner. She (or was it a he? it's been such a long time) instructed me to put it over my navel to kind of numb the area. Then she told me to remove it so she can sterilize the area. I couldn't even look at the needle, I just know my friend's eyes got real big when she saw it. I closed my eyes and gripped her hand. The woman said, "On the count of three. One, two," and stab. She then said something to the effect of, "It's better if you don't know it's coming. After I put the ring in, put the soda can on top to help prevent swelling."

As I recall this experience, I'm thinking of how dumb it was to entrust my body to someone not that much older who may or may not have had a lot knowledge on piercing. But you know what? This time (unlike employee of hole-in-the-wall in my hometown that has since closed) it seemed like she really knew what she was doing. She instructed me on how to take care of it, telling me to buy Epson Salt and soak my belly button every day to ensure it healed properly and didn't get infected. Sure enough, it healed beautifully. And I went through my rite of passage.

My weight has greatly fluxuated since then. Yet through the ups and downs, I kept it in. I liked it! Even if no one else saw it. And no one else really did since I was self conscious of my stomach. Even when it was flat, it wasn't toned so I wasn't into half shirts or anything. The only time my navel ring made a public appearance was when I was at the beach.

Well, I took out my navel ring when I was in my second trimester for obvious reasons. And I hadn't seriously thought about putting it back in. Until this morning. I figured that the hole hadn't closed since I had been wearing a navel ring for 12 years.The primary reason why my navel ring saw the light of day again is because I'm a little over two pounds to my prebaby weight. And about 10 pounds away from goal weight. (I'm 15 pounds away from when I originally got the piercing but I don't think of that as my true weight since I only see that number when I'm going through a break up or highly stressed.)

I decided today was going to be the day I would put it back on. And boy did it bring a flood of memories! Obviously. I mean, I'm writing this, aren't I? Call it a near mid-life crisis. This little piece of jewelry reminds me of my younger days. It reminds me of college and the young me who was so insecure and yet trying to politely rebel;) It reminds me of how conservative I was and that it was my way of being a little bad. I had no idea I missed it. And maybe I didn't. But it sure is fun having it back.

I just don't know what I'm going to tell The Bun when she gets around to asking about it. Because I sure as hell don't want her to think she needs to get one at any tender age before 21!

Push present

"A push present (also known as a "push gift" or "baby bauble") is a present a new parent gives a new mother when she gives birth to their child. In practice the present may be given before or after the birth, or even in the delivery room."
- Wikipedia  
Because it's the most reliable source for information. Umm, that's sarcasm.

 You best believe I told The Man all about push presents when I found out I was pregnant!;) After months of telling me the idea of a push present was nonsense, he asked me what I wanted towards the end of my pregnancy. Most women want jewelry. I thought, Do I want something from Tiffany's? Do I want something with diamonds? And then I knew exactly what I wanted.
LASIK.
See, I had wanted to have the procedure in my early 20s. When I was in grad school, I went to a LASIK center and was deemed a good candidate for the procedure. I even had an appointment for the surgery. Then, to be sure, I also saw an optometrist  at my university's health center. and she said, while I was a good candidate, she suspected my eyes would change and strongly recommended I wait until I was in my 30s.
After I gave birth, The Man told me to do the research and I could have my push present. It was perfect timing because I was still on maternity leave! No need to take time off and my mom could watch The Bun while I went on appointments. So I did the research and found a good LASIK center. I was interviewed by their technician, seen by an optometrist and then the ophthalmologist who would be performing the surgery. And again was told I was a good candidate. Then they realized I was still breast feeding. I was informed that breast feeding can change a woman's vision and they recommended I wait at least six months after I stop breast feeding to consider LASIK.
Drat! Foiled again.
Today is the day I finally get LASIK. This has been a looooong time coming. I have been wearing glasses since the 5th grade. I am excited. And nervous. The idea of my eyes being cut open (to an extent), makes me scared. But, I figured, if I can have a cesarean section, I can do this!

Happy Father's Day

While there is no doubt I am a Daddy's girl, the only reason there wasn't a huge photo of my mom and The Bun for Mother's Day is because my parents were in the Philippines during that time. (As a mama, I have to say that there needs to be equal showering of love to both parents IF NOT MORE to the mama because she did do the carrying and the laboring when all is said and done. PLUS she dealt w/ the repercussions of having her body stretched to its limit. I'm just saying. And yes, maybe it's a touchy subject now. But it's true! I digress.)

Today is Father's Day. So let's here it for the boys! Let's give the boys a hand. Let's hear it for my baby ... I forget the rest of the song but you get what I'm trying to say. Below is a divine photo my husband took so he could create this very cool image:

We asked my Dad to wear something similar. We dressed The Bun in whatever she had closest to my outfit. And The Man took the photo in the same spot. Isn't it amazing how 30ish years (we aren't sure the exact date of when the first photo was taken) can just fly by? Yet here my Dad is, still winning the hearts of his little girls.

My father is awesome. My mom told me he stayed home after being honorably discharged from the Navy to raise me the first couple years of my life. He's always taken care of me, worried if I was eating enough and told me once when I hated my (not present) job a long time ago, "You will never be homeless or have nothing to eat. You don't have to work there if you don't like it. We'll make sure you're OK." He told me this sometime in my early 20s. He wanted me to make sure that I knew I was taken care of. Always. And I have never felt anything but love and care from them. My parents made sure that I knew I always had some place to go and that they would love me unconditionally. (But nagging or a good ass kicking was always an option.) I know that I am a lucky, lucky gal.

And here is a photo of both my guys:

Ah, this man. The man I nicknamed The Man (as I mentioned on FB, mostly because he is bad ass and a little bit because he pretends to oppress me) is a GOOD man and father. He believes marriage and parenthood are a partnership and he rises to the occasion.  He tries his best and that's all I could ever ask or hope. Our baby is a 100% Daddy's girl. Can I blame her? He is wonderful.

And because I'm the owner, I'm putting in the mamas:

Kissing a sleepy baby girl

Her expression kills me in this one!

I had a great day. I feel blessed that I was able to spend Father's Day w/ my parents and my own little family. We didn't do anything grandiose, we just went to a nice restaurant and had a good brunch. And with a nearly 2 year old girl, that is A LOT and I am tired. But I'm also filled with love. Happy Father's Day!

Weird, and I knew it even as it was coming out of my mouth

I went out to lunch with a few women from work the other day. Out of the five of us, four have children. And of the four, I was the only one with just one child.
As you know, I've made no attempts to hide my fear. I fear the physical part, the emotional part, the financial part - basically labor and everything after that. Yet here I am, tempted to have another. It's CRAZY TALK, I tell ya!
But here's the thing, the other women were saying that I should go for it. Even after the stories of how bonkers their kids drove them, the complete absence of sleep, and just the sheer exhaustion of it all, they all said I should have one more.
It's hard to explain but I came close to it when I saw the one gal without children, wide-eyed in disbelief. (She is getting married next week. We seem to be painting a crazy picture for her of what the next phase in her life will be.) I told her something along the lines of, "Having kids sounds nuts, doesn't it? I mean, most of the time I look forward to Mondays now because at least I get PAID to do that job!
Weekends aren't like how they used to be before children. They are exhausting. And sometimes hard. But here's the thing. If my husband and I still had all that free time to fart around like we did a few years ago, I think we would be longing for a baby. I would be wishing to have the life I lead now. Don't misunderstand, I love my free time. And I definitely NEED my free time - it's sometimes really hard without it. But we were ready and, quite frankly, it's not like our lives were awesome before the baby and now it sucks. It's just different and, more often than not, in a good way. We love her so much."
I don't know how clear I was for her. It may have still sounded nuts. But it's true. I wish for the free time I had before the baby. The freedom I had with my time and, for the most part, I owned my time. But was I doing anything that great or important with it? No. It was just nice to set the pace of my day or choose to spend it how I see fit. And when things are crazy at work or every so often I wish I could go with my friend to that impromptu outing, those instances are few and far between.
I guess what I'm saying is that the good often outweighs the bad. Sure, there are times when it's hard as hell. When I'm sick, the baby is sick, hubby is sick or pups are sick. When there is a hiccup in daycare or if we have to travel. [Side note: Vacations used to be relaxing but are now what I refer to ask work trips. Yah, admittedly, I do miss those kind of vacations. ] But most days, they are pretty good.
To sum it all up, I ask myself this question. (And if another mama were to answer it differently, I wouldn't judge. I would just be sad for her because, well, any regrets suck.) I ask myself, "Knowing everything I know, would I have chosen to be a childless couple? Or would I  have wanted to wait a little longer before having one?" and the resounding answer is NO. Nothing in my life before her would have been more fulfilling had I waited or decided not to have a baby. Our family is better because of her. I'm better because of her. Is it hard as hell? HELL yah but I would do it all over again, for sure. Um, except skipping all the nonsense I went through and just scheduled a C-section. That I would have certainly done over.
"So," you may be asking yourself, "does this mean you're off the pill and ready to start trying?" Um, no. But after all those many entries of how hard it is to be a mama, I surprise even myself by the fact that I would like to sometime soon.

Bound to happen

I think I knew it was eventually going to happen. I have been sensitive about it my ENTIRE life. Since I'm the heaviest I've ever been (excluding pregnancy,) even though this is also the most content I've ever been, it was bound to happen. It just took someone I considered very important to say it AKA hurt my feelings.
Is it reasonable? No. I know these feelings are very unreasonable. I mean, I know I need to lose weight. I'm 10 lbs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight and 20 lbs heavier than what was my average weight in my 20s. On a 5'1" frame, this is a lot. It the difference of 2-4 dress sizes.
Knowing all this, it still hurt a lot when someone said that I should try exercise DVDs. We weren't even discussing MY weight. I wasn't bitching about it at that time or anything. But we had just gone to a party in which all the women were thin. No joke. They were all a few years older, had multiple children yet about my height and far thinner than I.
Oh, don't think I didn't notice. And evidently, so did this other person. While we never brought that particular point up, I imagine that's what got our conversation there on me.
Do I think this person was unintentionally rude? Yes. But this person has no idea that my feelings got hurt. And I don't think I'm entirely in the right because while it was rude, it's not like I haven't said I wanted to lose weight.  I do want and need to lose weight. I know this. And it's true.
It just hurts when someone else mentions it first.

Baby, I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time ...

Those lyrics always confused me but it seems appropriate when describing my infrequency on Blogger. I know I'm constantly apologizing for the lag between entries and, in turn, bashing the allure and ease of FaceBook because that's what I update regularly.
My dear Blogger, you are like the beautiful wife that is wonderful but high maintenance. And FB is just that $20 hooker on the corner of Mission and King who easily fulfills my needs. (Aren't those always sketchy streets, no matter the city?) Yes, that's it. Blogger is my Elizabeth Hurley while FB is the funky lady Hugh Grant picked up to do a certain job which made us all shake our heads because, helloooo?! He had Elizabeth Hurley at home! (Not really, FB. You are more of a catch than that chick.) But you get what I'm trying to say.
Anyway.
I am much better at posting photos of The Bun on FB. But I'm trying to remember to post them here, too. Because this place, this is my special ode to my family, my quirky thoughts, and my simple yet lovely life. So here are some photos of The Bun:



Isn't she stinkin' adorable? She gives the best kisses now. Sometimes The Bun gives them away like candy, other times you either have to work for them or steal them. And just like a lady, she only gives them to those she knows very well.
That's my girl. Keep it up, especially in university. Heck, lets just make it a general rule, shall we?
She is growing so fast! She is enunciating more words and just advancing each day. She fills my heart much more than she breaks it. Those that see her on a daily basis swear she is very easy going and simply a joy to have around. Of course, I'm wary of these compliments because of course this is what people say to a mom! They wouldn't tell a mom her kid is a pain in the tuckus. But they insist that they wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
She is pretty freakin' awesome.
I keep waffling between thinking it may be time to have another to oh helllllll no, I'm not ready. All the meanwhile, enjoying my time with her, The Man and our little family.
While I would love to have the body in my 20s (and I would really appreciate it a lot more than I ever did back then), I am so happy right now. CONTENT. That would be the right word. I feel very blessed.

Oh ok, so we're not ready just quite yet

I forgot about the sleepless nights.
Specifically, I forgot how sleepless nights affects ME.
The Bun was feeling bad two nights ago. She didn't have a fever but was very close to it and couldn't go to sleep. She would wake up crying. The Man and I both went into her room after we put her down to hold and comfort her. She would fall asleep but then wake back up and cry. Finally, around 11:30 PM, I felt so bad for her that I took her into our room.
One may ask, why did you wait so long? Here's the thing. The Bun has been sleeping in her own room since she was six weeks old. Also, in the past, I tried sleeping w/ her on a futon to comfort her when she didn't feel good. It was a miserable night for both of us. She's used to having her own space to freely move about and I'm used to not being kicked in the head.
So I brought her into our bed and The Man, who usually can sleep through riots and natural disasters, woke up and helped me comfort her. But there was no comfort to be had. She would fall asleep only to wake up an hour or two later. I got up at least four times that night.
It was while working the next day that I realized we just aren't ready for another one. Yet. The Man took a day off so he could take care of the baby. But also because he just wouldn't have been able to function very well at his job. We were BEAT. As I mentioned, I did go to work but I had three cups of coffee. I think it may have been four but I can't remember. Because I was that dead ass tired.
The Man would like another baby and when I think about getting the infant part "over with" by having back to back chillins, it makes sense to me. I have many friends who had kids less than two years apart and they all say while it was hard in the beginning, they're glad they did it because they got the hardest part over with and are enjoying their lives now. Their kids are more independent, they play and keep each other company, and, parents get to sleep! I've received some great advice from friends that have also said I may never feel ready and to just do it. I totally get that and value that they are speaking from personal experience. But I'm going to listen to my instincts and just hold off. So, for right now, The Bun stands alone.