And I'm not even PMS-ing

"Life choices." That is such a buzz word at the J-O-B. So I question a few of my own. Don't confuse the following self-evaluation as regrets or what-ifs. It's just stuff I've wondered about and, while I don't question the outcomes, I wonder about the swiftness (or not) of my actions.

Not sure if it's the change in my meds but even The Man says I'm more serious about stuff and he wishes I was my playful self again. (OK, the only true meds I take are BC. I take vitamins, though, and maybe I need to hit the Flinstones bottle again.) I'm hoping that if I write down some of the stuff that's been floating in my head then it would be out and I could be my more normal self. Perhaps writing it down will be like fiber for my brain and I can end my psychological constipation and take a mental poop. A huge apology to my psych friends for the poor, grotesque and crass comparison ;)

Career - Very few people I know have had as many internships as me. I had a buttload between undergrad and grad school:
1. on-campus social service agency (Unfortunately, it wasn't b/c I wanted to be this awesome world-changer. I needed the units and wasn't able to crash the classes I wanted)
2. high-tech PR firm (didn't like it and it eventually went belly up after the Dot-Bomb)
3. radio station (for free! I interned for free! :( It was OK but not what I wanted to do and I had to work another job so I would at least break even)
4. television station (liked it)
5. event management company (didn't like it at all. I find it to be thankless but I highly respect the folks who do this. I definitely enjoy attending an event rather than planning.)
6. Another television station (again, for free!!! But I had a great experience.)
These internships were often in addition to a job and I did work at a TV station for a year after I graduated.
Obviously, these were all trial and error. I figured out many times over what I did NOT want as a career. But it was and still is difficult to figure out what I want to be. I've been struggling with the thought that it is possible to have a job that I'm in love with and passionate about or is a job a career that I like just enough and its only purpose is to fund the things that bring me joy - traveling, hobbies, having fun with my friends, and taking care of my family.
Somehow, I ended up back at a social service agency. Crazy, right? Who woulda thunk it. And I don't regret it for a minute. I love the people at my work. But I don't know if it's where I'm meant to be. I'm really torn about this right now. Luckily, I've been able to express this to my boss and am currently trying to figure out where I can grow in the organization and if there's a place for me. So that's a big fat "to be continued."

Love - no, not The Man (I can just imagine the e-mails and phone calls of "What the hell happened???") More like who I am when I'm in a relationship and do I like myself when I'm part of a couple. So yes, this is all about me:P For the most part, I do. I learned A LOT about myself from the previous one. I was very immature then. I didn't believe in compromise, I threw tantrums, I wanted to change him into someone else. Now don't get me wrong, despite all this, I was still a dandy girlfriend. I was 17 years old, for crap's sake! (And for me to sing my own praises, I'd have to put the Ex on blast and there's really no need for that. Just know we clearly were not meant to be.) After that relationship was over, I knew that I didn't want to be THAT girl again. What do I mean? I would have to take the next guy "as is." No man-project, no trying to change someone. Because I didn't want anyone to try to change ME. That's right, people, I come "as is" too.
I have learned to compromise, keep my tantrums at bay, to have patience (that's a new one) and am still working on some other stuff. I am guilty of making the love of my life my entire life. Not because he asked me to but I just did it. I've put that person ahead of my friends, family, school and/or work. Bad girl!! That's something I continually work out in my head. I've gotten better at having balance in my life.
It's also hard for me to distinguish the different between compromise and settling. If you can't tell already, I have stubborn tendencies. I know this so I work on it. (I don't want to be anyone else's project but I believe in making myself better and being my own "work-in-progress.") When do you know that you've crossed that line of compromise and ended up in the world of settling? I'm always getting ticked off at myself for that because that line is fuzzy, if not invisible, to me. Like most women, I was brought up to be an independent woman [insert Destiny's Child song] and not to put up with any $hit. However, when being part of a relationship, there is a certain amount of "$hit" one deals with because, whether you like it not, they are putting up with yours!
No one want to be taking advantage of and that's what happens when you go into the world of settling. Have I confused you yet? I fear that I'm the only one that wonders about this one. I know The Man deals with this too even though he doesn't come out and say it. From time to time, we express our frustration, happiness, likes and dislikes. But not a lot. And I am A-OK with that because you can only talk about your relationship so much (we don't want to be THAT couple.)

I'm sure there's more tucked away but being stone serious isn't something I like to do for a long period of time. My head feels a little lighter now, in a good way. Nothing like a good brain dump to ease the mind.

See what you did, Pookie?? You went and put up that picture of how a chick's brain works and I got all mushy and crapped out an emotional post ;)