1st World Problem vs 3rd World Problem

This is what my Sister prefaces each time she talks about a problem that really isn't a problem when thinking in the grand scheme of things. I mean, you've got people worrying about food and shelter so is it really that bad that your (humph, my) chiropractor cancels last minute? Or that someone cut me off on the freeway? Irritating but not life threatening incidents like that.
So let me preface this entry with the fact that I know I could have it a lot worse. That I am a very blessed individual and I do thank God each day for the blessings I have in my life. As I grow older, I've found that I'm actually a more thankful individual because it's so easy to take things and people for granted.
OK, with all that said, we all know that you can still be disappointed with a 1st world problem! And no, this is not about the miscarriage. It's about a completely different area in my life. I wish I could go into detail but it's one of things that I try to be careful with since this is a public blog. But let's just say that in the past five months, I will now have been disappointed THREE times in a certain area in my life. While I am very thankful for all that I do have, c'mon, you have to admit that three times is a big let down. These incidents also make me question my character: the drive I have and have I changed in the past 10 years? I used to be known as a go-getter, as a FIRE CRACKER (someone had actually used this term when describing me after an interview.) And now, well now I wonder if I've grown timid. Or complacent. Or worse, inept. I shudder at that one.
Then I remember that God has always made my life better after what I've perceived as disappointments. That something truly better did come along each time. So I hold onto that hope. It just seems that it, the higher plan, is unveiling itself a lot slower than it did in my 20s.
In any case, it helps to write this down, as cryptic as it may seem.

Good for the Soul

After all that worrying, the doctor gave me permission to travel. I was soooo happy! This Girlfriends' Trip has been two years in the making. After the ups and downs of the past few weeks, it was a relief to know that it would include me & The Bun, after all. The thought of sticking around and using my PTO to go to the hospital and lab for checkups made me sick.

This trip to Hawaii was good for my soul. Well, I think every trip has been good for my soul. But this one more so than any other. I spent practically every moment w/ The Bun. I kind of wondered how that would go and, thankfully, it ended up to be wonderful. The Bun normally sleeps in her own bed in her own room so this could have gone terribly awry. But she was a champ! And we adjusted to being in one bedroom pretty well.
My three girlfriends also proved to be extremely helpful. They let me have some moments to myself, when needed. Collectively, we were able to give all the attention The Bun (as well as my friend's one year old) could ever wish for :)
Some photos from the trip:




One of my dearest friends bought leis for all the gals, grown and little.

 

My friend had the idea to cover The Bun in all the leis. Made for a pretty photo.




Visiting the glass chapel where The Man and I married four years ago.
To this day, I loved just about every part of our wedding.

 


As gorgeous as I remember.

 

Beach time with The Bun.




Taken on a walk around TBR grounds to help The Bun take a nap. It's no wonder people call Hawaii, "paradise".



Look at this toddler kiss. So sweet!



Us waiting for our last Hawaiian sunset.



Us at TBR's Monday Brunch.




Our last night at Turtle Bay Resort. Isn't it lovely?

 Being in one of my favorite places with some of my favorite people really helped keep my mind from thinking negatively. On one hand, sometimes it all felt quite clinical. After all, my pregnancy was never going to result in a baby. So when I think of it like that, it's not a big deal. It was always going to result miscarriage. It was just a matter of how the situation was going to play out.
Then there are other times when I think of it as, "I lost our baby". In fact, this is exactly what I said to The Man the night before I left when he saw me a little weepy and asked why. Because while, medically speaking, my pregnancy would never turn into a baby, our hearts were sure that we were going to have a baby born in December. We had already planned to change the home office into a nursery. I already got in my head that The Bun and our newest baby would be three years apart. How perfect! But I try not to think about stuff like that. What's the point?

As much as I love Hawaii and as much as it's one of my favorite places to be (and I have traveled in my earlier years!), this time I was also happy to go back. I missed The Man, our pups and our sweet little household. It's easy to forget that I live in one of the most desirable places in the world.While the Bay Area is sometimes chaotic, frenetic, and frustrating, it's also one of the best places to be. We have the city, the ocean, the bay, the cute suburban towns, the hills and mountains, and all the amenities one could ever need all within an hour away. Best of all, this place has many of my family and friends.

So yes, while I also have to work for a living (why can't someone pay me to be a fantastic individual, positively contributing to society?) which is kind of a bummer, I'm happy to back to what is considered my norm. 

But I definitely could get used to an biennial Girlfriends' Trip to Hawaii. I really could.

Hoping & praying that it is all done

I woke up at 5:30 AM this morning. My wonderful mama planned on coming over at 6:30 AM so we wouldn't have to wake up The Bun while I went to the hospital. Since we had a babysitter, The Man wanted to be with me rather than drop me off & then pick me up. I was so thankful. I wouldn't have blamed him for doing that because the wait would be a couple of hours but I felt blessed to have him by my side for most of the time.

Yesterday, the Chief of Obstetrics and Gynecology said to go to the hospital at 7 AM. The folks needed to start my process in the OR don’t get there until 8 AM! Not sure what the logic in that was other than perhaps a lot of folks wait to get admitted so he wanted me to be first? In any case, the pre-op nurses were so sweet and apologized even though it wasn’t their fault.

Well, I was then put on the books for 10 AM. 10 AM rolled around and we found out there were two emergencies which pushed me to 1 PM. 1 PM! Understand that I had not eaten or drank since the night before. Not even water! You can’t eat or drink 8 hours before your surgery which is fine if it had been in the morning.By 11 AM, I was so hungry and thirsty and I wasn’t even allowed gum. Or to swab my mouth with a water soaked sponge on a stick! I had a huge headache by then (probably had to do with the fact I also hadn't had coffee) and I was certain I would have a raging migraine by the time I was done.

Let me just sing Kaiser’s praises again. My anesthesiologist was an earth angel. Come to find out, he was the same one for my cesarean section from almost three years ago. He promised I wouldn’t feel a thing. He said I wouldn’t be knocked out but that I wouldn’t remember. Let me tell you, I started crying in the Operating Room because The Man couldn't be there with me and it was such an intimidating room. It looked like I was having major surgery (even though it's considered minor) with all the equipment and masked faces. But then, BAM. I was being wheeled back in pre/post OP.

I hadn't felt or remembered a thing. Ignorance is truly bliss. I thought I was still waiting to go into surgery and they had to reassure me that, no, it was all done. If that’s not being knocked out, I don’t know what is. But I was so glad. Then I was given a Vicodin drip, monitored for an hour and then sent home w/ more Vicodin. I was a little loopy but I proclaimed my love for Kaiser, my doctor, my anesthesiologist and my nurses. They made a bad situation bearable.

Well, excluding the six hour wait. That was crappy.

I continue to worry, however, that when I get my lab work done on Monday, they will find out that I do have ectopic pregnancy after all, did a D&C for nothing and still not get to go to Hawaii. The doctor, prior to the surgery, warned that this could happen. But she had said, visiting me after the surgery, that everything looked promising. They still have to run tests on the tissue she took out but she said it looks like there was an embryo (or whatever terminology she used.) Plus I haven't shown symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy this entire time. Typically, one would have major cramping, bleeding and/or nausea.

So there is still more to be done. I have to go to the lab on Monday to get more blood drawn. This is how they know that the D&C worked because my HCG level should be going down.

I hate that this is still drawn out but I hope and pray that the D&C worked. If ever I needed a vacation, it’s now.

What to expect when you're no longer expecting

There are just some things people don't talk too much about. Or, in this case, write about. But I think it's good for people to know they're not alone. So here I go. Writing about one of the dreaded words ...
Miscarriage.
I know quite a few women who have miscarried. Often times, at least what I've noticed among my circle, is that it happens the second time around. So I knew there was a chance. But boy does it knock you off your feet. There's really no way to prepare.
Just like w/ The Bun, I started documenting this pregnancy, my second one, ready to hit "publish" the minute I was at 12 weeks AKA the safe zone. I wrote how I had planned on telling The Man, how this time I was going to be very happy how I did the big reveal. How I wanted to make it special. And I did! He was surprised. He was scared. He was happy. We both were. It was a beautiful moment. That was going to be my second entry.
But then that weekend, I had stomach cramps. So even though I was only six weeks along, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. Prior to seeing her, she ordered blood work. Upon examination and reviewing my results, she determined that I was probably just constipated. Silly me, I thought! How embarrassing. But then my doctor said she couldn't find anything in my ultrasound. I could be really early on but she thought it would be best if I continued to have lab work done for my HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) levels because the initial results were low. Over the span of a week, I went to the lab four times. If you read any of my entries during my pregnancy or when I went into labor, you know that I do not enjoy going to the lab.
The Man accompanied me again at my next appointment. My doctor said that while my HCG levels were rising, it wasn't at the normal rate. Not at all what we expected to hear.
My doctor asked that I get more blood tests the next day. I got a call later that same day from my doctor. She said that my HCG level plateaued. Regardless of whatever pregancy I am having, it's not normal and will not result in a full-term pregnancy. She suspected I have an ectopic AKA tubal pregnancy. My doctor wanted me to go to the lab again tomorrow and then one more time on Sunday. If her suspicions were true, I would need to take Methotrexate: used to stop the growth of an early ectopic pregnancy. This would result in me taking it over the span of three days and then being monitored for two weeks, thus having to stay home rather than go to Hawaii. This started my pity party - because my doctor insisted I have an ectopic pregnancy, she said she couldn't recommend I travel. After all, I would have to be monitored.
No baby and no Hawaii? How shitty is that. After the shellshock, I was upset. I didn't want anymore tests. I just wanted to DO something already. Whatever I needed to do. Why wait until Monday? And I HATE the lab. I addition to hating just being there, it felt like my hope died each time I got my blood taken because I knew that the results would be no good. I was tired of it and knew that I would have to go several times after the procedure (when I was supposed to be in Hawaii) so why bother with these last two appointments?
I called my hospital and ended up speaking with a different doctor because mine was gone for the day. He reviewed my chart and said that I should come in tomorrow to see the OB-GYN available rather than just doing labs. I ended up meeting with the Chief of Obstetrics and Gynecology today. Before talking about terminating the pregnancy, he wanted to make sure it was indeed an abnormal pregnancy. After I went to the lab again, he sent me to radiology/ultrasound rather than just having a regular ultrasound at the OB/GYN department. After being at the hospital a total of four hours, I finally saw the Chief again. He had my lab and ultrasound results back. My abnormal pregancy was an absolute. There was no embryo in the gestational sac. I will inevitably have a miscarriage.
There were three options:
1) Letting me naturally miscarry. This meant I would not know when it would happen during my pregnancy and I could bleed a lot. So much so that I would need a transfusion. A bit too risky for them to recommend.
2) D & C. For those not in the know, it's also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.
3) Taking Methotrexate. It's like pitocin for miscarriages. It prompts the process and I would go through all the physical symptoms of a miscarriage.
We decided it would be best for me to have a D&C. Mine is scheduled for tomorrow. Ah, here another part of the pity party. Tomorrow morning, I had scheduled a massage and facial as a Mama's Day gift to myself. They are far and few between now and I had thought it would be great to have one. I had to cancel it so I could have my D&C.
On one hand, it's a relief to have a resolution. As terrible as it is, at least there's an action plan. For nearly two weeks, I've been anxious, having my blood taken again and again, hearing that the news isn't good but there was no final word. Now there is one.
What I am scared about is that once I have the D&C and they take my blood a couple of days later, they will realize that I do have an ectopic pregnancy and I'll have to take the medicine that will make me have an actual miscarriage and I won't be able to travel after all. You may think it sounds shallow but after knowing that my pregnancy won't result in a baby, I really want an escape to one of my favorite destinations. I would rather NOT be at home, going to the lab every few days to make sure that my baby is gone.

What could have been but never was

(Written 4/27/12. Originally titled, "10 Days!" )

I'm pretty sure I know. According to my handy period tracker, I am ten days late. Yes, TEN.

Three days ago, I bought a pregnancy test. I plan on taking it on Saturday for confirmation. Just because I’m pretty sure doesn’t mean it’s absolute! But if my hunch is right, I’m going to present it to him in a pretty package. Washing it clean, of course.

A while back, I splurged and took boudoir photos. If I hadn’t been so reserved and insecure in my early 20s, I would have it taken it then. My body was rockin’! Hahaha, ok, not really. I was by no means a hard body but, as I’m able to reflect, it was nothing to be ashamed about. But I was bashful and that’s how it goes.

After having The Bun, I decided that I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted to take photos to give to The Man so that, when we got older and I got lumpier or saggy-er (heaven forbid, both!), he could look back at photos of his hot wife. Because, by golly, I was going to make sure the photos made me look good!

Don’t get me wrong, the reserved and insecure girl never went away. But I think she matured a bit. With that mindset, and the two glasses of wine the photographer provided, I took them. Oh yes, the package also came with hair and makeup … this was a must for me!

I just got the photos back earlier this week. Same day I bought the pregnancy test. So, if everything goes the way I think it will go (that there is, indeed, a bun in the oven), I’m going to package these photos in a box. I’ll have him look at them one by one and then, behind the last photo, will be the pregnancy test and some written remark of how he better cherish the body in those photos because it’s about to change. Again!

It’s so tempting to take the test now. But I’m going to wait until right before I plan on packaging everything up because I want to know right before he does. If I find out now, I’ll end up telling him! I guess it’s my way of keeping my own mouth shutJ Can’t divulge information that I’m not 100% sure about. Yet.

Shatty Day

And not just because it has to do with weight. Although, I will leave you will this picture to illustrate my frustration:

Yup, that's now I feel.

No, I went to the doctor's today and received really messed up news. Without going into too much detail, this is how it goes:

My follow up doctor's visit next week can go two ways - 1) All is good and that is that. OR 2) I will need to be monitored, my and The Bun's Hawaii trip will need to be cancelled and I'll get to spend it going to the doctor several times throughout the week (thus needing to be monitored.)

I am so frustrated. More so about that. But also because my weight spiked back up and I'm back to needing to lose 10 lbs. Does one have to do with the other? Not really so I can't even blame my weight gain on the shitacular news I received. What. The. Eff. I'm so upset on several levels.