I keep changing my mind about this one.
The Man and I, while not close to getting married, talk comfortably about what life would be like, how we would be, yadda yadda yadda. These topics never stir up a serious conversation and we usually end up laughing. Then the married name vs. maiden name came up.
When we first talked about it, I didn't mind. Much. I told him, if he really wanted it, of course I would take his last name. But please know that this is a big sacrifice to me because I LOVE my last name. I'm very proud of it. But if it was so important to him, what the heck? I'd change it. After all, don't almost all women?
Stupid, stupid me. I should have given my opinion more thought because I misled The Man in thinking that I didn't have a problem with this identity change. What made me really give it a second thought? I ran into my old coworker, Monica Lam.
Monica is about 20 years older than me. She was telling me all about her kids and then gave me her teenage son's newest school picture. I asked her to write his name in the back (b/c I'm terrible with names) and she wrote 'Mike Shultzlam.' I must have looked confused. "Oh," she said, "my son has a different last name than me. Actually, we all have different last names. My husband's last name is Shultz, mine is Lam, and we decided to give the kids Shultzlam."
As she's telling me this, I have a few thoughts. Don't the kids get confused? Doesn't the whole last name cause a fiasco when traveling or even just trying to straighten all that out with their schools? I end up asking her, "You didn't take your husband's last name? I know more women do it now but wasn't it unheard of when you got married?" Monica responded, "Why should I change my name? I told my husband, "you can change your last name to Lam but I'm not changing mine to Shultz!" and he understood. It's my name, I should be able to keep it if that's what I want."
If you know me, as most of you do, I'm sure you know I'm thinking, "Yah! Damn straight! Why do I have to change my name??!!"Woe is The Man. I know he doesn't see it as marking his territory. He just wants to proudly introduce his wife as "Mrs. R@mirez." Just a way of giving a little something of himself to his wife.
But I mean it, I LOVE my last name. My father has taught me a lot about my family, the culture (particularly the province he is from in the Philippines) and I love that my last name keeps me literally tied to all of that history. The Man understands. This is exactly why he loves his last name. He is so proud and has stated on many different occasions that he would want his wife to take his name. And I never had a real problem with it. Until I talked to Monica. She made me realize how connected I am to my last name and that I really don't want to part with it.
I half teasingly ask The Man if I could hyphenate my last name. This would mean thatif we were to marry, my last name would be seven syllables and 19 letters long. Yahhh, I'm going to have to pass on that one. So I asked him this weekend if he would mind if I didn't change my last name. I don't know if he thought I was being serious but he said, "As long as the children have my last name." I'm a bit afraid that if he knew I was serious, his feelings would be hurt.
So, what's in a name? I guess I won't worry about this until it's time for me to worry. Until then, I'll blissfully go on being an "@duviso."
13 comments:
I think that is awesome that monica was able to keep her last name. I have been taught to love my last name too and I don't want to change it either. Its like for twenty some years you are one person and then you all of a sudden the words "I DO" come out of your mouth and you become someone else. I have discussed keeping my last name and I don't think it is an option at this point but I have gotten the okay to hyphenate my name :)
Reminds me of what I heard on the radio recently. They said that "20% of brides will do this..." The answer? Won't take their husband's last name.
Mom didn't change her last name until she had to for (pregnancy)medical benefits. I think for benefits and property crud, sometimes it's easier to process paperwork with the same last name. Maybe not nowadays..
I love 'our' last name, too. I kept my maiden name for my unions, but wanted my married name to be private. So, I now use my maiden name as my middle name... Of course now I'm a little sad I didn't make the Boy's middle name our last name.
Well truth be, I have not changed my last name either. Nor, do I plan to anytime soon. I asked the hubby when we were interviewing...I mean dating. ;)
He said as long as I gave our kids his last name he was fine with it. So, my last name is still Milan.
I love my last name and I don't wanna give that up. Don't get me wrong, I love my hubby dearly, and this is why Ethan has the last name Lopez. My gift to the hubby. ;)
Oh hurray! I'm not the only one that feels the way. Buffy has stats to prove it!
Sister and Pookie, thanks for letting me know how y'all dealt with it.
Tater, looks like you and I are in the same boat. You have to tell me your boy's last name when I see you (I already know yours so I just want to hear the two together to picture your hyphenated compromise:) Me, I would sound like a Latina reporter (if you ever watched MAD TV, you know what I mean) if you put my first, last and The Man's last name. Forreal.
His last name is Garcia, I know from a beautiful name like Milan to Garcia. Which is why I want to keep my name but it looks like all I get is the hyphen. I don't have a middle name so at least that is a plus, you know I won't be the kind of Mexican with 15 names.
I can see it (the name deal) causing a huge argument. This is why, ladies listen up! You need to ask these questions BEFORE you get married.
I guess if you argue long enough about the name change...yeah, you could end up calling it quits.
Lulu- ahaha! yup your gunna be mistaken for a latina with a last name like that!
Hey, but there is nothing wrong with that, damn it!
I understand both sides of this argument. I took my husband's name for two reasons.
1. I was then and am still more attached to my middle name than to my maiden name. "Lynn" is a derivative of "Len", which was my father's nickname given to him by his mother. That has more sentimental value to me as my father had a very special bond with her and has a very special bond with me. I don’t know. It all seems to tie together as far as I’m concerned.
2. I like that it gives us all a sense of family. When I was growing up, the fact that my brothers had a different last name from mine always bothered me. With my two stepchildren geographically spread out as they are, it is incredibly difficult to feel that sense of family with them. At the very least because I took Joel’s name, my husband, my stepchildren, my future biological children and I will all share the same last name.
I think that if you aren’t comfortable with changing your name, then you shouldn’t. It’s a personal choice that everyone has to make and I think it has its pros and cons either way. For example, getting your name changed on all of your legal documentation is a BEYOTCH. It all depends upon what YOU want to do mamacita.
Anyway, that is my 37 cents. :)
OK, I'm going to be the skeptic (I can just feel my old professors' voices channeling through me.)
1. I want to know the exact source of this supposed study of hyphenated names & maiden names vs married names. Meaning the name of the journal in which it was published.
2. Who the "they" are (I bet some old-fashioned, crotchety old men who came up with this crockpot study or just spreaded the rumor of a study.)
50% of married couples divorce and I have a real hard time believing even half were b/c of the last name controversy.
3. MsLips, I demand to know which skin products cause cancer! I need to rid them from my drawers! (Please see previous blog, I'm not the only one who desparately wants this list. Please oh please.)
I hear you on that one. I don't think marriage ends because of this matter, it may cause arguments but end the relationship. Sheesh, that mean the realtionship sucked ass to begin with. ;) There are many factors such as finances,loss of communicaton (a biggy)....list goes on.
Never underestimate the political shitstorm that will occur no matter what you decide. I ended up keeping my maiden name as my middle name, and honestly changing it was super easy (you can even do it by mail with social security).
I've never felt like the last name made the family, though, and I've never cared if anyone thought I was married to Baby Daddy (maybe because although I am now, I wasn't when Baby was born?). I've also never had a problem getting benefits with a different last name, or even dealing with the pediatrician's office with a different last name than the Babe. Long way of saying that the "practical" concerns are really no big deal, and it really comes down to what you emotionally feel is the right way to honor who you are, your family of origin, and your marriage.
It seems like no matter what, though, someone's feelings are going to get hurt.
I'm sorry, I'm still giggling over Shultzlam. There were these two people I worked w/ last names 1)Korngeibel; and 2) Apinchapong. I used to fantasize they'd marry and adopt me and I'd be Demondoll ApinchapongKorngeibel. What heaven!
Well, I realize that is kinda sounds like "Sha-zam!"
Thank you EVERYBODY for giving me your opinion. Let me tell you, this entry did NOT go over well with The Man. No, he didn't beat his fists on his chest and call me "Woman" but it is a HUGE deal to him for me to take his last name (he has no recollection WHATSOEVER about our "well, if the kids have my last name I'll be happy" conversation.)Plus, I joked with him that we could be "life partners" then. He said as long as he could where flowy white pants and flip flops. Someone said I could make our life partner ceremony look like the ending of "40 Year Old Virgin." Uh. No.
Like I wrote before, I guess it's one of those things that I'll deal with when the time comes.
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