A little of my old routine ... with a twist

Prebaby, The Man and I would have leisurely weekends. Only we didn't know they were leisurely or somewhat luxurious until we didn't have them anymore.
I've said it before ... Your time is no longer yours once you have a child. Neither is your money if I'm being completely honest. Which I am.
But it's a trade off. I know 20 years down the road, I'll miss this family time and being the center of my daughter's world. So I enjoy the moment and don't wish for something I don't have. I mean, I can miss it but also be OK with it not being available anymore instead of being resentful.
But something new and fun is that The Bun is able to accompany me on more outings and is easily amused by things like people watching. Something I love to do too:) We go on more dates and I get to see things through her eyes.





I love cafes and eating breakfast. The Bun has acquired these same likes!
Prebaby, I could get a mani/pedi whenever I wanted. As a mama, not only have funds become a little more scarce but free time is also a thing of the past. Weekends are family time and not so much for pampering. Again, simply a worthwhile trade off.
Recently, The Bun has proven to be on her best behavior when I have appointments. Things around us are interesting enough for her to stay amused. Like chiropractor appointments. And pedicures! Oh, how I've missed both of those.
I don't get manicures anymore because I need to literally be hands on with my daughter so a manicure would get mussed in no time. But I can get a pedicure. Yay!


I am so impressed and grateful for The Bun's easy going attitude and good manners. She just sat patiently while I got adjusted at the chiropractor. And then, after brunch, while this Mama got her toes pampered.


I know that we can't be best friends. We have to have clear boundaries and rules so she can grow up to be a respectful and responsible individual. But I'm so happy we can enjoy each others company and similar things. It's so much fun to HAVE so much fun with her. If that makes any sense;)
I'll leave you with this last photo. For the past two years, I was a day-of-event volunteer for Relay for Life. This year, I decided to be a participant and raise money. I also decided to bring The Bun. She had a blast! And it was great to honor my mom, her Nana, since she is a breast cancer survivor.
Here is a photo from Relay:


I feel blessed to have all these little yet wondrous Mama/Daughter moments.
I love my little family so much.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mini Staycation Part III

Wine tasting was actually part I. Trip to the city was part II. Yesterday, we decided to explore the northern part of the East Bay.
I found this cool free event at Dimond Park in Oakland: Circus Bella.
Oh my gosh, so much fun! I was really impressed by the quality of this event. I always go with an open mind, especially to free events because, well, they're free. It's not fair to expect the moon and the stars when you're not paying, right? I thought, at the very least, we could get some sunshine and warmth (as opposed to our fun yet freezing trip to the city).
The Man and I bought non-healthy treats at the market in the morning (shame shame, Mama & Daddy!), packed three blankets and The Bun's tricycle. We picked up Sister & the boys (my nephew and my Sister's nephew) and met up with our cousin and his son. We trekked over to Dimond Park in Oakland which had to be one of the cutest little parks I've seen in a while.
It was a little tricky finding the actual location of Circus Bella because you can't see where they are from the parking lot. Luckily I found a person in the rec center who said it was near the tennis courts.
Side note: As cute and wholesome as this park was, the bathrooms left a lot to be desired. It was my first time (seriously - ever!) to use a restroom with no doors. Look, I get park and rec bathrooms. I can understand steel bowls with no lids, I can even understand no toilet seat protectors. Maybe even no toilet paper (although you have to have one or the other. It's not pleasant but you can use toilet seat protectors as paper and vice versa). But no stall doors? Yes, that's right. You knew if the stall was occupied because you could have a full view of the person using it. Thank goodness I only had to do the liquid business! Heaven help you if you were trying to do something else!
Anyway ...
Circus Bella was so good! It was a one ring circus with top notch performers. While the view is easily obstructed if you have folks taller than you sitting in front of you (which we did) but hey, it's free! I loved it. It felt like we were at some small town event. Everyone seem to have a little picnic going on and kids were excited for the circus to start.






Love, love, love.
Afterwards, we decided to go to locally famous Fentons Creamery in Piedmont. Well, what do you know? Fentons was celebrating its 118th birthday with face painting, animals to pet and just a fun little part. How lucky were we?






We filled ourselves up on ice cream and walked around Piedmont Avenue. While cute, not too much to capture three boys' attention. Cousin and his son wanted to go bowling so we decided to join them. The boys played three games and we partook in the unhealthy treats of a bowling alley. Collectively, we had nachos, cheesy fries, mozzarella sticks, a corn dog, and a burger. Oh boy! What a gluttonous day. I've got to do some sort of cleanse after this!

By the end of the day, we had exhausted but happy kids. And parents!
I treasure these moments. It's so easy to get caught up in chores, work, going to this or that. It's so nice to spend a wholesome, albeit junk food laden, day with family.

Mini Staycation

Written 7/13/12: Sometimes trendy, made up words annoy me. Like Bennifer or Branjelina. OK, those are names. Like ... conversated (that's not a real word, people!) But I've also thought there were some pretty cute words, like staycation, which best describes the meaning and is very appropriate.
I know I'm lucky to live in the Bay Area. I love it and understand that's why my small home cost a pretty penny and should it be plucked and moved to just about anywhere else, it would be half the price. If that.
But I digress.
This week, Sister and my nephew visited us. Last time Sister visited, I only took two days off and deeply regretted it. I'm not a workaholic but I just hadn't wrapped my brain on the fact that I don't have to travel somewhere to take paid time off. I promised myself and my Sister that the next time she visited, I would take more time off. This time I took FOUR days! I know, not a whole bunch but twice as much as last time ;)
I had so much fun.
I think it helps that The Bun is older. She's more mobile, lasts longer through the day without needing a nap and is just all around a pretty nifty companion. I won't lie, it's very helpful that there are other kids to capture her attention so she isn't bored. I guess it doesn't surprise other parents but I find it so interesting that she doesn't have to playing with kids to enjoy their company. The Bun is very much a people watcher. Had it just been The Man and me, it's a little harder to keep her amused all day and I don't know if she could last an entire day and early evening of being on the go. But w/ two older cousins and an Auntie, she was a trooper!
San Francisco Day: Sister planned a casual day of going to the city. This would consist of -
- BART ride to Powell Street

- Cable Car ride to Fisherman's Wharf


then we made it up as we we went ...
- Walk to Ghirardelli Square

- Walk from GS to Pier 39


- Enjoy Pier 39 for a while and then had back to Fisherman's wharf ... take the cable car back to Powell and then take BART back to the East Bay.
This was an ALL day excursion! Props to our 13 year old, 11 year old and 2 year old! They only got a little grumpy towards the end. I'm honestly impressed because the whole day was effin' cold. Seriously. Just the day before, it was 80+ degrees in the East Bay. We know San Francisco is typically cooler so we thought high 60s. Um, no, I think we were in the high 50s low 60s. It was CHILLY.
But what a fun day!

Birth Certificate & Wine = Good Day!

The Bun is nearly three years old. But today, TODAY, is when I decided to get her official birth certificate! I have what is called an official copy but it's not "official." Recently, I had a bug up my bum about getting a passport in case of an emergency. I mean, if ever there was an emergency, who knows how long a passport will take?! (I also have to get The Man's ... Argh!)
See, bug up my bum.
I'm happy to report that it wasn't nearly as stresful or tedious as I had imagined it would be. I went to the info desk and the lady told me to fill out the form and come back for a number.  I filled out the form, got a number and was called in less than five minutes. Then I went to the desk my # was assigned and had the nicest clerk. She gave me two official birth certificates in about five minutes. The total time it took? Fifteen minutes!
Side note: Now I know, fill out as many forms as you possibly can before going to a public agency. I actually knew this but forgot. Silly Mama.
After going to downtown Oakland, though, we went to my favorite wine company. I affectionately call them an Urban Winery but they don't have vineyards so technically they aren't one. They have a lovely view of San Francisco from their tasting room albeit slightly obstructed. Unfortunately we couldn't get a good shot it. But we did get one showing off their pretty room. My Ma & Sister had a grand old time. We were free because of my membership - yippee! And my underage nephew had a comfortable place to sit in what I think is their kids area. Man, I love this place. I also love how the folks who work there can only be described as "urban." Not all but many of them have piercing, tattoos and funky haircuts. My fellow wine tasters are not high-falutin' but normal dressing folks. My husband is not a fan of the polo-shirt-with-the-sweater-tied-around-the-shoulders-crowd. No offense if you like to wear that :)
What a nice way to spend a day with my Ma & Sister ... and nephew, too. He gets credit for the photo.

Humbling moment

There are many times in parenting when I became painfully aware of my flaws.The other day, The Bun kept asking me questions while I was trying to get ready for work. Becoming impatient, I shushed her.
She got very quiet. I glanced over to where she was sitting on my bed from the bathroom where I was getting ready and saw she slumped over, looking defeated. Oh boy.
I stopped what I was doing, walked over and sat down next to her to ask her if she was OK. She looked at me with tears and said, "Don't shush no more."
OH BOY.
The Bun was right. I know it wasn't just the shushing but the way I shushed her. With an impatient and irritated tone. I regretted my actions immediately.
One thing I'm very good at is admitting when I'm wrong. I gave her a big hug, lots of kisses and said I was sorry.
She forgave me immediately.
Being a parent is indescribable. It's challenging, rewarding, exhausting, loving, the list goes on and on. It can also make you feel like a superhero, a martyr, a beauty queen, a villain, a magician, a maid, a short order cook and an ass. And a whole bunch of other things.
Every day, I try to be better and to lead by example. And every single day The Bun teaches me how.

Another milestone

We are embarking on a new frontier with The Bun. She is now in a toddler bed.
It all started in Hawaii. When she and I were on vacation, we had to share a room. At home, we slept in separate rooms.
After our second night on vacation, I realized there were only two choices for bedtime:
1) We could replicate what we did at home as best as possible. She wouldn't be in a crib, however, she would be on an inflatable mattress. (Sleeping in one bed wasn't an option because I swear she breakdances in her sleep.) I played her bedtime music but because she knew I was in the room with her, she fidgeted and cried until I held her hand. She took more than an hour to go to sleep, though, because she knew I was in the room. If I left the room, she would just follow me. I ended up being bored out of my mind, lying in the dark. I inevitably dozed off and then woke up with a crick in my neck. Not fun times at 7:30 PM.
2) Say to hell with the bedtime routine and just accept that she would stay up until she fell asleep.
You know which way I went.
It was just a lot easier because there were a lot less tears. Despite The Bun  being really tired towards the end of her night, she wasn't irritable or irritating. She was actually pleasant even when tuckered out. On the third night, she stayed up until 10:30 PM, closing down the joint with just me left. All the other grownups were knocked out by 10:) By the sixth and final night, she went to bed by 8:30 PM. Not bad.
Well, all hell broke loose when we got home and tried to go back to our regular schedule. By that I mean that the crib was no longer acceptable. The Bun got a taste of freedom that couldn't be squelched! The Man and I agreed along time ago that once she started trying to climb out of her crib, it was time to move her into a toddler bed.
Until this point, The Bun's bedtime routine was perfection. We were the envy of most parents! We put her to bed at 7:30 PM and she would quietly sooth herself to sleep. Often times I would have to wake her up in the morning because she was still out cold. If, by chance, she was awake, she usually laid quietly waiting for me to get her.
Gone are those days.
When we first moved her into a toddler bed, she would throw open her door just a few minutes after tucking her in. She would do this multiple times, always bee-lining for our bedroom. She did this over a couple of days and we knew we had to move her bedtime. It was so bright outside, even at 7:30 PM, that she could see the sunlight through her blackout curtains and both her blinds (yes, she has two sets of blinds in addition to blackout curtains because she's like a rooster!) When she would throw open the door, she could see the sunlight streaming in through the shaded windows in the hall and knew it was still bright out. So we moved her bedtime to 8:00 PM.
In addition, I looked on Amazon and almost bought a $40 clock specifically for toddlers. Like a regular alarm clock, the parent sets the clock at a certain time. But instead of an alarm or radio, the clock doesn't make a sound, rather, it glows green which signals your toddler he/she is allowed to get up and leave the room. It got good reviews but just felt like too much for a clock with its primary purpose of keeping a kid in his/her room until it was time for the parents to get up.
i also turned to social networks to see how other moms dealt with the move from crib to toddler bed. Some fared well. Other didn't. A few said they were still training their kids who were older than The Bun to not wake up in the middle of the night and crawl into bed with them. Oh now, would that be my life? I love cuddling with her but I think she does martial arts when she's asleep. Neither The Man or I can get a good night's sleep when The Bun is with us in bed:(
Then a mom from my sorority answered my question with a doable solution. She said she bought a plain digital clock, blocked out the minutes with paper and told her child to stay in his room until the clock said 6. Once that number came around, he could go to mommy and daddy's room. In our household, the magical number is 7:

It took her a few days to accept this new development. She was not pleased. What's with this clock telling her what to do? The Bun still flung open her door, paddled down the hall and waited by the baby gate (which we added once she moved to a toddler bed.) Sometimes she would ask for juice, other times she would ask for a diaper change. All in the name of stalling. I was beginning to feel like her concierge!
Slowly but surely, she warmed up to it. We were and continue to be in the midst of also potty training so this is just one big summer project! While the bright sky, even at 8:30 PM, sometimes poses a challenge for us because she wants to stay up, The Bun is staying in her bedroom in the mornings until 7ish. Because the minutes are covered, her arrival at the baby gate and announcement of "Mama!" varies in the morning. Sometimes it's right at 7 AM, other times it's closer to 8 AM.

She is so darn cute when she's on the potty!
I tried to post a photo that wouldn't get me into trouble with her when she's older.

My baby is no longer a baby. The Bun is a full fledged toddler who is taking on the world, one milestone at at ime. I've written it before and I'll write it again. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the things that I don't have or miss the things I'm no longer doing. But I'm making it a priority to be in the moment because life passes by so fast and I could miss really fantastic moments. I've wished for The Bun to be a little more independent and now I want to hold onto her baby ways because she's growing up at what feels like to be lightening speed.

Feels like I'm going down the same road

but I have to keep telling myself that it's different. It's not the same person even though there are similarities.
It makes me want to run for the hills! But I just got to hitch up my big girl panties and deal with it. Because there's no use in worrying about the ifs, you just got to go along for the ride.
As an admitted worrier, though, this is not an easy task.

1st World Problem vs 3rd World Problem

This is what my Sister prefaces each time she talks about a problem that really isn't a problem when thinking in the grand scheme of things. I mean, you've got people worrying about food and shelter so is it really that bad that your (humph, my) chiropractor cancels last minute? Or that someone cut me off on the freeway? Irritating but not life threatening incidents like that.
So let me preface this entry with the fact that I know I could have it a lot worse. That I am a very blessed individual and I do thank God each day for the blessings I have in my life. As I grow older, I've found that I'm actually a more thankful individual because it's so easy to take things and people for granted.
OK, with all that said, we all know that you can still be disappointed with a 1st world problem! And no, this is not about the miscarriage. It's about a completely different area in my life. I wish I could go into detail but it's one of things that I try to be careful with since this is a public blog. But let's just say that in the past five months, I will now have been disappointed THREE times in a certain area in my life. While I am very thankful for all that I do have, c'mon, you have to admit that three times is a big let down. These incidents also make me question my character: the drive I have and have I changed in the past 10 years? I used to be known as a go-getter, as a FIRE CRACKER (someone had actually used this term when describing me after an interview.) And now, well now I wonder if I've grown timid. Or complacent. Or worse, inept. I shudder at that one.
Then I remember that God has always made my life better after what I've perceived as disappointments. That something truly better did come along each time. So I hold onto that hope. It just seems that it, the higher plan, is unveiling itself a lot slower than it did in my 20s.
In any case, it helps to write this down, as cryptic as it may seem.

Good for the Soul

After all that worrying, the doctor gave me permission to travel. I was soooo happy! This Girlfriends' Trip has been two years in the making. After the ups and downs of the past few weeks, it was a relief to know that it would include me & The Bun, after all. The thought of sticking around and using my PTO to go to the hospital and lab for checkups made me sick.

This trip to Hawaii was good for my soul. Well, I think every trip has been good for my soul. But this one more so than any other. I spent practically every moment w/ The Bun. I kind of wondered how that would go and, thankfully, it ended up to be wonderful. The Bun normally sleeps in her own bed in her own room so this could have gone terribly awry. But she was a champ! And we adjusted to being in one bedroom pretty well.
My three girlfriends also proved to be extremely helpful. They let me have some moments to myself, when needed. Collectively, we were able to give all the attention The Bun (as well as my friend's one year old) could ever wish for :)
Some photos from the trip:




One of my dearest friends bought leis for all the gals, grown and little.

 

My friend had the idea to cover The Bun in all the leis. Made for a pretty photo.




Visiting the glass chapel where The Man and I married four years ago.
To this day, I loved just about every part of our wedding.

 


As gorgeous as I remember.

 

Beach time with The Bun.




Taken on a walk around TBR grounds to help The Bun take a nap. It's no wonder people call Hawaii, "paradise".



Look at this toddler kiss. So sweet!



Us waiting for our last Hawaiian sunset.



Us at TBR's Monday Brunch.




Our last night at Turtle Bay Resort. Isn't it lovely?

 Being in one of my favorite places with some of my favorite people really helped keep my mind from thinking negatively. On one hand, sometimes it all felt quite clinical. After all, my pregnancy was never going to result in a baby. So when I think of it like that, it's not a big deal. It was always going to result miscarriage. It was just a matter of how the situation was going to play out.
Then there are other times when I think of it as, "I lost our baby". In fact, this is exactly what I said to The Man the night before I left when he saw me a little weepy and asked why. Because while, medically speaking, my pregnancy would never turn into a baby, our hearts were sure that we were going to have a baby born in December. We had already planned to change the home office into a nursery. I already got in my head that The Bun and our newest baby would be three years apart. How perfect! But I try not to think about stuff like that. What's the point?

As much as I love Hawaii and as much as it's one of my favorite places to be (and I have traveled in my earlier years!), this time I was also happy to go back. I missed The Man, our pups and our sweet little household. It's easy to forget that I live in one of the most desirable places in the world.While the Bay Area is sometimes chaotic, frenetic, and frustrating, it's also one of the best places to be. We have the city, the ocean, the bay, the cute suburban towns, the hills and mountains, and all the amenities one could ever need all within an hour away. Best of all, this place has many of my family and friends.

So yes, while I also have to work for a living (why can't someone pay me to be a fantastic individual, positively contributing to society?) which is kind of a bummer, I'm happy to back to what is considered my norm. 

But I definitely could get used to an biennial Girlfriends' Trip to Hawaii. I really could.

Hoping & praying that it is all done

I woke up at 5:30 AM this morning. My wonderful mama planned on coming over at 6:30 AM so we wouldn't have to wake up The Bun while I went to the hospital. Since we had a babysitter, The Man wanted to be with me rather than drop me off & then pick me up. I was so thankful. I wouldn't have blamed him for doing that because the wait would be a couple of hours but I felt blessed to have him by my side for most of the time.

Yesterday, the Chief of Obstetrics and Gynecology said to go to the hospital at 7 AM. The folks needed to start my process in the OR don’t get there until 8 AM! Not sure what the logic in that was other than perhaps a lot of folks wait to get admitted so he wanted me to be first? In any case, the pre-op nurses were so sweet and apologized even though it wasn’t their fault.

Well, I was then put on the books for 10 AM. 10 AM rolled around and we found out there were two emergencies which pushed me to 1 PM. 1 PM! Understand that I had not eaten or drank since the night before. Not even water! You can’t eat or drink 8 hours before your surgery which is fine if it had been in the morning.By 11 AM, I was so hungry and thirsty and I wasn’t even allowed gum. Or to swab my mouth with a water soaked sponge on a stick! I had a huge headache by then (probably had to do with the fact I also hadn't had coffee) and I was certain I would have a raging migraine by the time I was done.

Let me just sing Kaiser’s praises again. My anesthesiologist was an earth angel. Come to find out, he was the same one for my cesarean section from almost three years ago. He promised I wouldn’t feel a thing. He said I wouldn’t be knocked out but that I wouldn’t remember. Let me tell you, I started crying in the Operating Room because The Man couldn't be there with me and it was such an intimidating room. It looked like I was having major surgery (even though it's considered minor) with all the equipment and masked faces. But then, BAM. I was being wheeled back in pre/post OP.

I hadn't felt or remembered a thing. Ignorance is truly bliss. I thought I was still waiting to go into surgery and they had to reassure me that, no, it was all done. If that’s not being knocked out, I don’t know what is. But I was so glad. Then I was given a Vicodin drip, monitored for an hour and then sent home w/ more Vicodin. I was a little loopy but I proclaimed my love for Kaiser, my doctor, my anesthesiologist and my nurses. They made a bad situation bearable.

Well, excluding the six hour wait. That was crappy.

I continue to worry, however, that when I get my lab work done on Monday, they will find out that I do have ectopic pregnancy after all, did a D&C for nothing and still not get to go to Hawaii. The doctor, prior to the surgery, warned that this could happen. But she had said, visiting me after the surgery, that everything looked promising. They still have to run tests on the tissue she took out but she said it looks like there was an embryo (or whatever terminology she used.) Plus I haven't shown symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy this entire time. Typically, one would have major cramping, bleeding and/or nausea.

So there is still more to be done. I have to go to the lab on Monday to get more blood drawn. This is how they know that the D&C worked because my HCG level should be going down.

I hate that this is still drawn out but I hope and pray that the D&C worked. If ever I needed a vacation, it’s now.

What to expect when you're no longer expecting

There are just some things people don't talk too much about. Or, in this case, write about. But I think it's good for people to know they're not alone. So here I go. Writing about one of the dreaded words ...
Miscarriage.
I know quite a few women who have miscarried. Often times, at least what I've noticed among my circle, is that it happens the second time around. So I knew there was a chance. But boy does it knock you off your feet. There's really no way to prepare.
Just like w/ The Bun, I started documenting this pregnancy, my second one, ready to hit "publish" the minute I was at 12 weeks AKA the safe zone. I wrote how I had planned on telling The Man, how this time I was going to be very happy how I did the big reveal. How I wanted to make it special. And I did! He was surprised. He was scared. He was happy. We both were. It was a beautiful moment. That was going to be my second entry.
But then that weekend, I had stomach cramps. So even though I was only six weeks along, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. Prior to seeing her, she ordered blood work. Upon examination and reviewing my results, she determined that I was probably just constipated. Silly me, I thought! How embarrassing. But then my doctor said she couldn't find anything in my ultrasound. I could be really early on but she thought it would be best if I continued to have lab work done for my HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) levels because the initial results were low. Over the span of a week, I went to the lab four times. If you read any of my entries during my pregnancy or when I went into labor, you know that I do not enjoy going to the lab.
The Man accompanied me again at my next appointment. My doctor said that while my HCG levels were rising, it wasn't at the normal rate. Not at all what we expected to hear.
My doctor asked that I get more blood tests the next day. I got a call later that same day from my doctor. She said that my HCG level plateaued. Regardless of whatever pregancy I am having, it's not normal and will not result in a full-term pregnancy. She suspected I have an ectopic AKA tubal pregnancy. My doctor wanted me to go to the lab again tomorrow and then one more time on Sunday. If her suspicions were true, I would need to take Methotrexate: used to stop the growth of an early ectopic pregnancy. This would result in me taking it over the span of three days and then being monitored for two weeks, thus having to stay home rather than go to Hawaii. This started my pity party - because my doctor insisted I have an ectopic pregnancy, she said she couldn't recommend I travel. After all, I would have to be monitored.
No baby and no Hawaii? How shitty is that. After the shellshock, I was upset. I didn't want anymore tests. I just wanted to DO something already. Whatever I needed to do. Why wait until Monday? And I HATE the lab. I addition to hating just being there, it felt like my hope died each time I got my blood taken because I knew that the results would be no good. I was tired of it and knew that I would have to go several times after the procedure (when I was supposed to be in Hawaii) so why bother with these last two appointments?
I called my hospital and ended up speaking with a different doctor because mine was gone for the day. He reviewed my chart and said that I should come in tomorrow to see the OB-GYN available rather than just doing labs. I ended up meeting with the Chief of Obstetrics and Gynecology today. Before talking about terminating the pregnancy, he wanted to make sure it was indeed an abnormal pregnancy. After I went to the lab again, he sent me to radiology/ultrasound rather than just having a regular ultrasound at the OB/GYN department. After being at the hospital a total of four hours, I finally saw the Chief again. He had my lab and ultrasound results back. My abnormal pregancy was an absolute. There was no embryo in the gestational sac. I will inevitably have a miscarriage.
There were three options:
1) Letting me naturally miscarry. This meant I would not know when it would happen during my pregnancy and I could bleed a lot. So much so that I would need a transfusion. A bit too risky for them to recommend.
2) D & C. For those not in the know, it's also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.
3) Taking Methotrexate. It's like pitocin for miscarriages. It prompts the process and I would go through all the physical symptoms of a miscarriage.
We decided it would be best for me to have a D&C. Mine is scheduled for tomorrow. Ah, here another part of the pity party. Tomorrow morning, I had scheduled a massage and facial as a Mama's Day gift to myself. They are far and few between now and I had thought it would be great to have one. I had to cancel it so I could have my D&C.
On one hand, it's a relief to have a resolution. As terrible as it is, at least there's an action plan. For nearly two weeks, I've been anxious, having my blood taken again and again, hearing that the news isn't good but there was no final word. Now there is one.
What I am scared about is that once I have the D&C and they take my blood a couple of days later, they will realize that I do have an ectopic pregnancy and I'll have to take the medicine that will make me have an actual miscarriage and I won't be able to travel after all. You may think it sounds shallow but after knowing that my pregnancy won't result in a baby, I really want an escape to one of my favorite destinations. I would rather NOT be at home, going to the lab every few days to make sure that my baby is gone.

What could have been but never was

(Written 4/27/12. Originally titled, "10 Days!" )

I'm pretty sure I know. According to my handy period tracker, I am ten days late. Yes, TEN.

Three days ago, I bought a pregnancy test. I plan on taking it on Saturday for confirmation. Just because I’m pretty sure doesn’t mean it’s absolute! But if my hunch is right, I’m going to present it to him in a pretty package. Washing it clean, of course.

A while back, I splurged and took boudoir photos. If I hadn’t been so reserved and insecure in my early 20s, I would have it taken it then. My body was rockin’! Hahaha, ok, not really. I was by no means a hard body but, as I’m able to reflect, it was nothing to be ashamed about. But I was bashful and that’s how it goes.

After having The Bun, I decided that I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted to take photos to give to The Man so that, when we got older and I got lumpier or saggy-er (heaven forbid, both!), he could look back at photos of his hot wife. Because, by golly, I was going to make sure the photos made me look good!

Don’t get me wrong, the reserved and insecure girl never went away. But I think she matured a bit. With that mindset, and the two glasses of wine the photographer provided, I took them. Oh yes, the package also came with hair and makeup … this was a must for me!

I just got the photos back earlier this week. Same day I bought the pregnancy test. So, if everything goes the way I think it will go (that there is, indeed, a bun in the oven), I’m going to package these photos in a box. I’ll have him look at them one by one and then, behind the last photo, will be the pregnancy test and some written remark of how he better cherish the body in those photos because it’s about to change. Again!

It’s so tempting to take the test now. But I’m going to wait until right before I plan on packaging everything up because I want to know right before he does. If I find out now, I’ll end up telling him! I guess it’s my way of keeping my own mouth shutJ Can’t divulge information that I’m not 100% sure about. Yet.

Shatty Day

And not just because it has to do with weight. Although, I will leave you will this picture to illustrate my frustration:

Yup, that's now I feel.

No, I went to the doctor's today and received really messed up news. Without going into too much detail, this is how it goes:

My follow up doctor's visit next week can go two ways - 1) All is good and that is that. OR 2) I will need to be monitored, my and The Bun's Hawaii trip will need to be cancelled and I'll get to spend it going to the doctor several times throughout the week (thus needing to be monitored.)

I am so frustrated. More so about that. But also because my weight spiked back up and I'm back to needing to lose 10 lbs. Does one have to do with the other? Not really so I can't even blame my weight gain on the shitacular news I received. What. The. Eff. I'm so upset on several levels.

Rectifying weekend gluttony

Ah, my body is forgiving me. I'm back on track. So, to refresh your memory, I had 10 lbs. to go. I didn't post it (because I had forgotten to) but I had lost roughly 2 pounds of that. Then all hell broke loose in the part of my brain that dealt with self-control and I shot back, causing me to be 11 lbs. from goal as of last Monday.
As I've mentioned before, I know 10 lbs. (+1) doesn't seem like a lot. But these are my last ten pounds on my weight loss journey. They are the hardest 10 lbs. I've ever had to lose. They are clinging to me like nothing I've ever witnessed before. So while it may seem like a measly 10 lbs. to others, for me, it's two to three dress sizes. It's the difference between my body now and my body when I first started dating The Man. The end result of reaching my weight goal is a comfortable size 4 for me. For real.

And I'm happy to report that I've lost a few pounds from my weekend of gluttony and am now 8.5 lbs. away from goal.
I'll take it!
Do I slip up? Most definitely. Hell, I just ate the Godiva Truffles someone at work left for me (I know, bad girl.) But I'm doing my best to not just be lackadaisical. I know what works for me and I need to DO IT.

Well. That first week didn't go very well.

It's getting hard for me to kick my ass in gear. ARGHHHHHHHH! Why am I not disciplined? I know exactly what I need to do and I know exactly what works produces results. Yet ... I don't do it.

But I'm not giving up. I can do this. Even though I sabotaged myself this past week, I can get my booty in gear.

On a happier note, it looks like I have a future yogini on my hands! While I would love for her to dance hula with my old halau (they recently started offering a keiki class - first time, ever!), I would also be over-the-moon if I could share with my baby girl what both challenges me and bring me serenity and joy:

She's a natural! Her form in downward facing dog is better than mine.

Focusing on the yoga DVD.

Balancing out the vinyasa with upward facing dog.

How cute is she?? I know it's going to be a couple more years before she can go to class with me but I hope she learns to love yoga as much as I do:)

10 pounds in 30 days

It might seem too aggressive except that FIVE of those pounds shouldn't be there! I had lost them.
And, like a federal agent, they found me again.

Seriously? Seriously?!
Ah, why am I acting shocked? I knew I was pressing my luck. My body was my science experiment. I was testing its limits, seeing what I could get away with eating without gaining weight.
Well, I'm back in the game. Time to go with what I know works. I got comfortable when I lost 15 pounds and went back to my old habits. So, in my mind, the first five are going to be easy but the last five are the ones that have been here this whole time.
But who's to say I can't lose them? I was certain that those other 15 were here to stay. I'm determined to NOT psych out. I will stop being my worst critic and start being my best cheerleader. As corny as it sounds. And I know it sounds corny.
You there, 10 pounds, pack your bags. You're about to get the boot!!!!

The Bun's Easter Weekend

I can't believe it's already Sunday night (Uh, so, I wrote this on Sunday. It is now Tuesday night, nearly midnight. It took a while from completion to publishing - no judgment!;) This three-day weekend flew by. What was nice is that it was all about my daughter this weekend.
On Friday, my day off (whooo!), we went for a morning walk with the pups. Then we spent the afternoon with her Nana getting all our hairdos done! The Bun was so good. She watched Nana get a color & cut, then me just get a plain cut and when my hair stylist turned to her and asked, "Would you like to get your hair cut, too?" The Bun replied, "Yes!" She sat oh so still as her hair was being trimmed.

 

(Bad Mama, I forgot to take a photo with Nana so we could have all three generations. But this is one of the things The Bun and I did while Nana got her hair done so we could stay busy. Next time!)

On Saturday, we went to an egg hunt hosted by a Mom from my old Mommy Group. I have to say that this the biggest reason I love Facebook. I'm able to stay connected with people I might otherwise lose touch with. My mommy group never meets anymore, I guess you could call it defunct, but I feel like we see each other all the time because we're able to keep in touch on FB.
It was so cute to see The Bun with this group because we all remember when we first met and our babes were literally weeks old. Last year, we have photos from their first ever egg hunt. Even though they were all over a year old, they didn't know what the heck was going on their first Easter. It was the first time they all were able to toddle about and actually participate in an egg hunt. (On their official first Easter, they all were only six or seven months old.) Last year was such a funny egg hunt because none of the kids knew what they were doing. But it was touching to see them up and about because, after all, we remember when they were fresh out of the oven.
This year, though - what a change! Sure, they still overlooked eggs that weren't really hidden but they were movin' and shakin'. What a difference a year makes! Rather than drinking from a bottle, being breastfed or eating pureed foods, these kids were eating snacks, drinking from juice boxes and were full fledged toddlers. My goodness. Of course, I took only a couple of photos on my phone which turned out bad. Wish I had a few to post:(
The next day was Easter. The Bun had a two social outings! In the morning, we met up with Jen, her hubby and her son, K. Although they just traveled literally across the globe just the day before, they met up with us on our side of the Bay for coffee and a play date. The kids were so cute. While they're still too young to play with each other, they enjoyed playing in each other's company. They were walking all around the two playgrounds, going down slides, swinging on the swings and just being really cute toddlers. It was a great chance to catch up with Jen. It seems like just a couple of years ago when we lived in the same neighborhood but it's been over 12! When we met, we were footloose and fancy free. Now we're both happily married, have awesome kids and pretty fantastic lives. My how we've grown up:) (Ugh, guilty again for not taking photos. I'm hoping that Jen's hubby captured some precious moments with his camera that he wouldn't mind sharing ;)
Around noon, we said our goodbyes because we both had family engagements to attend. I shook the sand off Ava (that's when you know it was a good time at the playground), put her in a wonderful Spring dress her Auntie Nene gave her and we were off in less than an hour for our next egg hunt!
Side note: I wish I had taken a photo of the cheesecake I made. I was quite proud of it. It was my first plain cheesecake and it was actually pretty!  And by "pretty", I mean it hardly had a crack. Not an easy thing to do with a cheesecake, let me tell you. In fact, changed my mind about decorating it with blueberries and fresh blueberry compote because I thought it was so nice. I decided that if people wanted it, they could spoon it on themselves. In addition to being pretty, it ended up tasting good. Phew! I was really worried because the recipe was for a PUMPKIN cheesecake. I had to switch it last minute because my aunt told me she had bought pumpkin pie already. I'm not an expert baker so I had no idea if removing the pumpkin portion (canned pumpkin and spices) would make it fall, too thick, watery, taste funny or whatever. I searched around for other recipes and just decided to add 2 tablespoons of flour as it was called in another recipe. But I kept everything else the same. Thankfully, it turned out A-OK.
Back to the egg hunt now:) The Bun had a splendid time! Her cousins, and her cousin's cousins, are all so sweet. Most were older than her but there were a few youngsters, too. What I love about these gatherings is that ALL the kids are sweet. Yes, ALL. Not a rotten one in the bunch. Not that I would post about that child if one existed but I just wouldn't write anything. ALL the kids are sweet and kind. The older ones look after the youngsters which I find so heartwarming. I love that my daughter can have a great time and that these kids include her. Often times with older kids, they'll just ignore the little ones. And I get it, they're busy and they want to play! I don't hold it against them at all. But when we go to these family gatherings, they bigger kids want to hold The Bun's hand, or help her with something, like put on her shoes or gather her things. It's just so sweet! She loves kids and her eyes light up when they include her, even if she's a lot slower or doesn't get everything they do. They remember to include her enough that she's happy. And I love that.
Thankfully, The Man was with us and he took his fancy photo machine and took some great photos:

The Bun in her Easter finery. (Piko gave a sniff test of approval.)

Because we have to have a shot of Pili if we have one of Piko.

The kids were lined up according to height so that the little ones had a fair chance of getting eggs. See what I mean? Such sweet big kids because I didn't hear a peep or complaint.

Mama realizing The Bun needed an assist.

These two were the littlest walkers
(We had a few smaller kiddos but the babies weren't at Walker or even Crawler status just yet:)

Look at them go go go.

Look at these smiles. So much fun.

These cheeks are made for kissin'. Don't you agree?

After a fun filled afternoon, we ended her weekend with a visit to Nana & Papa's house. With Papa's knee replacement surgery, they aren't up for any social gatherings. With The Man and me working full time jobs, it's hard to fit in quality time with them. So it was wonderful that we were able to visit, show them The Bun's Easter outfit and just talk.  The Bun loves her Nana & Papa and they love her so much.

The Bun had a fantastic weekend. And being the softie mama that I am, I'm so happy she was happy so it was a fantastic weekend for me too. I love my little family and am so appreciative of my outstanding husband, my amazingly sweet daughter, our two pups and our superb family and friends. My heart is so full.

Busy little bee!

Work has been so busy! I had more than 15 meetings last week and I swear all this week has been doing all my follow ups from said meetings as well as catching up on anything I missed while being out of the office. But I am finally caught up. Perfect timing because today is my Friday!
Bless my work's heart, they gave us tomorrow off. This little mama is finally gettin' her hair done. I am in for a much needed trim. I'm also bringing my Ma and baby girl. That's right, three generations going to the salon. How cute is that? I'll be sure to take photos like I did last time. Hopefully, though, they will be cuter!

Self diagnosed addictive personality

Only when it comes to certain things. Which is why this is entirely speculation and a self-diagnosis.
My Kindle is an oldie but goodie. Yes, my Kindle is from pre-iPad days making it one overpriced mother effer. Seriously.

But I can't really complain because my Kindle was a baby shower gift from my Mama. (My Mama is one generous lady. Thanks, Ma!) I'm only annoyed on behalf of my Mama because it was really insulting for Amazon to charge so much now that we know how far $500 can really go (ah-hmm, say what you will about Apple but they really kicked Amazon in the tail.) Oh well, lesson learned.
I do still use my old Kindle, though! While we have an iPad, it's used mainly by The Man. I tend to use my work PC laptop or my iPhone. The Kindle makes an appearance now and then but I usually have to tuck it away because I have this fault. If I really like I book, I can't put it down. I know, many people have this issue. But it can get in the way. I will be up until 2 or 3 in the morning just so I can finish a book and find out how it ends. I know, it's just plain silly. But it's a huge reason why I put it away and don't read for a while. The Kindle revolutionized the way we read! Before, we would have to buy a book at the bookstore or check it out of the library. Now we can download a book in less than a minute. The accessibility to new-to-you literature is mind-blowing. And can be very distruptive to a person's schedule when the person is like me and has to finish the book.
So my dear Kindle has been in my bedside table for quite some time. Until I gave in to the masses and read The Hunger Games.

What a great book. I really liked it. So much more than Twilight (not winning any points with you literary snobs, am I?) I finished it one day so that night, before I went to sleep, I downloaded the second book so I could read it as soon as I woke up:

It was a blessing and a curse that I was not disappointed. Usually I lose interest in a main female character and it's because, unfortunately and typically, the character turns out to be helpless or indecisive. I can't stand that. But all the characters remain strong, including the lead female character. Love that.
Using all my control and frankly, it helped that I was ODed on books after a weekend, I decided that I was going to wait through the work week until April 1st to download the last book of the trilogy. A big reason why I decided to wait was because I was eligible through Amazon Prime to check out a book for free at the beginning of each month. Oh, Amazon, there you go winning me back again. You're just too amazing for me to stay away.
So yesterday I downloaded the final book:

I started reading around 8 PM and got done at about 1 AM. That's right. I just had to finish it. HAD TO FINISH! As I continued reading I knew that I should stop. The book would be waiting for me! But no, I just had to find out the ending and was soooo tired this morning.
This is why I don't read as much as I used to. Well, this and because I have a 2 year old daughter.
But I'm glad I got caught up in The Hunger Games frenzy. These really are good books and I highly recommend them! They are entertaining, easy, yet smart and well-developed.
(Although, who am I really encouraging to read these? I'm probably one of the last people to read the series!)