I. Can't. Stop. EATING.

First off, I don't buy the whole saying, "I'm eating for two!" I mean, the baby is such a small percentage of the overall weight gain. Plus, I know how hard it is to get the last 10 lbs. off. Ugh. It took me four years to finally get rid of it all and it's only because I did the Purium cleanse twice and incorporated it into my routine throughout the week for two months between my cleanses.
Well, even though this is what I believe, I've been eating like crazy this past week. When I was pregnant with The Bun, my downfall was the McDonald's sausage and egg biscuit meal. Well, my craving with The Bean isn't that much different -

That's right, the Sausage McGriddle meal. The shame! Oh, the shame.

I know, I KNOW. It's terrible! Not a bit of it is healthy but I couldn't resist! I've had it THREE times this week. Not to mention other things that I shouldn't be eating. I was doing so well, too! I was eating salads, sandwiches with lots of spinach or arugula, smoothies full of good vegetables and fruit but my will-power is poop. And when The Man isn't eating good, I don't eat good. That's not to say I blame him. I think I should be strong enough to eat good even if he doesn't. But I'm finding it extremely challenging to take the initiative to eat healthy when he's not in the mood. I mean, I still get in fruits and veggies throughout the day but the junk definitely infiltrates my day. For instance, I just tucked into some Doritos and a Sprite. Oh my gosh, the shame! What's wrong with me????
So here's my vow to you, Coffee Bean. Mama is going to stop giving into these cravings and get back on the wagon. That's drinking 60+ oz. water each day, eating more fruits and vegetables, and cutting out fast food. Even though I kind of went down this path before with your sister, I know better and should BE better. I will go back to eating organic foods and, when I want a bit of a splurge, I'll be healthier like I had been just a few weeks ago and have a banana and peanut butter or something like that. Mama is going to kick her rear end back in gear, son!

It's so nice to finally let it all bump out.

I love Ann Taylor Loft & Factory. I'm fortunate enough to live near an Ann Taylor Factory. Because I'm a card carrying member, I receive coupons as well as gift certificates. I decided to take my bum to ATF on my lunch break to redeem my 20% coupon and my $20 gift certificate (oh, how I heart them.)  They don't have a maternity area but they have some items that I could wear right now and after the baby is born.
Since I'm out of the baby closet, I decided to get a couple items that didn't hide my pregnancy. Ah, it's just so much easier and, hopefully, more comfortable! One of my purchases was a gray dress. I like it because it's a faux wrap style (I like wrap and wrap-like dresses a lot) and made with very comfortable and stretchy material. It's also very work friendly since it has a high neckline. I'm top heavy already so I'm even more chesty when I'm pregnant. I like not having to worry about my modesty at work.

The Bun has great full length mirror closet doors so that's why I'm in her room.

Truckin' along at 18 weeks (and 2 days).
How cute is she? Oh how I love The Bun. And The Bean;)

I think I want to take photos like this one as the pregnancy progresses because it's fun to incorporate both my babies. She is so excited to be a big sister and talks about her baby brother all the time. In fact, her preschool knew far in advance of everyone else because she kept talking about him. Ha! I kind of expected that so I didn't mind at all.

Completely out of the (baby) closet

Yesterday I hosted a work event at a local pub. I figured that would be as good of a time than any to “announce” my pregnancy. I write, announce, in quotations because I just told a few people I worked with. I knew that at least once person would ask why I wasn’t drinking so it seemed like a good reason to share my good news. I think sharing it at 4 ½ months, though, threw some people off slightly but all three people were very celebratory in their responses.

Then this morning I let the rest of my department know in my event recap email … at the end. Let me know tell you, it really shows who reads my emails! There are about 12 of us so now everyone knows. Or, at least, has the info if they read it.

It feels good to just be OUT. It’s not completely obvious but there are some outfits I wear that really make my bump noticeable. The Bean will not be contained for much longer;) Oh, and I also announced my pregnancy on Facebook by changing my profile photo to the one I posted here. Just as I suspected, people figured it out f-a-s-t. The congratulatory messages were very sweet.
This pregnancy is going pretty well. It started off a bit funky with bronchitis and a couple of bladder infections (those are the worst!) But I remember during my first pregnancy my eczema was so bad and just about everywhere that I had to go see a dermatologist. I think I was also more tired in my first pregnancy. But it could also be that having a toddler this time around forces me to a bit more peppy. I'm still tired but I remember finagling my work schedule so I was home and in bed by 3 PM. I've got an 8 hour desk job now so I feel like I'm more awake this time around. Overall, a peaceful pregnancy. Then again, I'm less than halfway through it;)

Wow, 5 ½ months to go until we get to meet my Coffee Bean! Yes, he’s still waking me up at night, every night. Such an appropriate nickname. Most nights I go right back to sleep so I don't mind (much.) I know from experience that I should treasure any chunks of continuous sleep I can get. I believe that this will also be my last pregnancy so I'm making an effort to find joy, the blessing or, at the very least, contentment in just about every moment. 

President's Weekend

We were busy this weekend! But it was a nice, family-oriented one meaning we went to events that everyone in the family could attend.
Saturday was a packed day. We went to church, then zoomed over across the San Mateo Bridge to Millbrae for a one year old birthday party for my friend's son. Then we drove over the Bay Bridge to Emeryville for my boss' housewarming party for a couple hours. My boss puts me to shame. She moved in September and her home looks great. Everything is unpacked and not a sign that they had recently moved. Us? We have two bedrooms that are currently junk rooms filled with boxes and miscellaneous items. Not to mention the two storage units we still pay for. My goal is to get all of it done by The Bean's arrival. I'm a wee bit scared that this goal might not be met. Anyway, back to my boss' home. It was a lovely grown up party but for The Bun, I think it was a little too grown up for her taste. She was the only kid there and it was a wine and cheese type of deal. Everyone was very nice to her but we were ready to head home after a couple hours. Even though we got home around 7:00 PM, we were a tired bunch. It had been a good day.
Here are photos we took at the birthday party:

The Bun loves getting her face painted! The person there did fantastic work on the kids.

Close up.

On Sunday, we decided to head out to Monterey. We purposely chose this destination so we could include the entire family - our furry babies, too!
We wanted to eat at a dog friendly restaurant so we went back to place we hadn't visited since 2007 - Tarpy's Roadhouse. Don't let the name fool you. It's quite pretty and right next to a wine tasting room. They have delicious food and a lovely outdoor area which was perfect since it was a beautiful day.

We both got so warm we had to take off our jackets.

After our delicious brunch, we decided to head over to Cannery Row and walk off the calories. The Bun wanted to stay put and play around so the hubby stayed with her while I walked our antsy dogs. They had been so good during the car ride and the restaurant that I wanted to reward them with some good people watching and sniffing.

A much happier girl now that she could climb about instead of walk about.
(The coat had to come back on because it was chilly!)

The pups and I walked the length of Cannery Row and then walked back to meet the rest of the family. It was nice to be reunited and it was perfect timing since the sun was beginning to set. I posted this photo on FB from our short drive home. I did it because I realized that she is growing up so fast. She just graduated to a new car seat!

I remember when she was in a teeny car seat, facing backwards! Now look at her.

THAT GUY.

There's always one. That person in your life that you're stuck forever with or for a very long time. It's because they're a coworker, relative, significant other or best friend of a mutual best friend. Either way, whether you like it or not, THAT guy is in your life.
Yup, I got one of those.
I try to make the best of it but it's very, very hard. Typically, if I don't get along with a person because he or she rubs me the wrong way, is morally or ethically questionable or just plain wrong, is annoying or is a liar, or let's face, is a complete ass, I avoid said person. I make the person an insignificant role within my life. Or, better yet, non-existent by cutting him/her out of my life. For instance, I once had to sacrifice a best friendship because I couldn't pretend to like her husband anymore.  Even though she suspected he stepped out on her, she wouldn't leave him. I get it - things aren't black and white. I respected her decision even though I didn't necessarily agree with it. It's her life. But it was really hard for me to stand by and witness as he kept cheating on her. It wouldn't have been fair to her if I told her how I really felt about him. Our best friendship waned which was very sad but it was just too hard to stand by and watch without saying anything. I think she understood and, honestly, was glad she didn't have to hear it. Yes, there were times when I couldn't keep my mouth shut and shared how I felt. But that must be hard to hear when she chose to forgive him again. In the end, my sanity stayed in tact and we remained friends which I don't know would be the case if I had stayed an important person in her life because I would eventually confront her husband, the That Guy in this instance, on his cheating ways. He is also a piece of work in other ways but that to go into that whole ordeal is a long story and not the point of this one.
Every so often, I've got to deal with THAT GUY because I have no choice.
Well, That Guy (TG) has taken on a different form and is now back in my life. TG is unavoidable and just about every day I struggle because I feel my energy becoming negative with all the resentment I feel towards TG. I'm also frustrated with myself because I know I'm giving TG too much influence. "I'm better than this!" I think when I let TG get the best of me.
Here's the thing, TG has pulled the wool over many eyes. In fact, there is only one other person in our group who sees TG in the same light. It's a huge relief to know that I'm not delusional. What's funny is the other person is also relieved to know that I know because she felt this way for many more years since she's known TG a lot longer. Let me describe TG as best as I can. I'll start off describing how TG is perceived by our group of friends and acquaintances:
That Guy appears to be very nice. TG is good with first impressions, coming off helpful, sweet and an all-around good person. TG appears to be mellow, open-minded, drama-free and a team player. TG almost seems like a people pleaser, willing to help even though TG has a very busy life.
Now here is how TG really is:
TG is very judgemental. TG has strong (negative) opinions about just about everyone in our group, with the exception of a couple of folks. TG thinks TG is the one who carries the group and is basically the backbone who makes the biggest contribution but gets little if any glory. TG marginalizes what everyone else does for a living as well as their contribution to the group and honesty, doesn't respect their talents or skills.
What's interesting is we have other people in our group who are much more caring, nurturing and loving. But TG thinks that TG is the only one who does the grunt work whenever we make plans. Here's the thing: TG actually pushes back on a lot of suggestions other people have on how TG could contribute to the group and, when forced to help, is passive aggressive. TG complains (but I think TG thinks it's "venting") a lot to others but never directly to the individual TG has conflict with. TG is opinionated but, I've learned, can't back it up and won't be upfront with others. Instead, TG will share with those outside the group to get sympathy by positioning oneself like a victim or martyr. And, to be perfectly honest, TG isn't nearly as great as self-perceived - TG isn't meticulous but, in fact, sloppy and when called out on it, puts it on other people and never "owns" the mistakes TG made. TG also makes sure TG does the least amount of work.
That Guy is effin' infuriating.
I don't know if it's my exhaustion with pregnancy or every day life but I am TIRED of That Guy. Having to put up with That Guy in my life on a regular basis is extraordinarily frustrating and annoying. I try to ignore That Guy but I can't because That Guy is around All. The. Time. And, as I mentioned, there is no way I can remove That Guy out of my life or confront That Guy because it would cause a major disruption AKA $hit storm. Our every day lives are intertwined too much that I can't confront TG or even ignore because we are too closely connected. Yes, even closer than a former best friend because there are other relationships at stake.
As I mentioned, I try just about every day to not let That Guy get to me. I know I'm giving TG too much power by affecting my day. I'm not joking, I even pray that I will be strong enough to rise above the negativity That Guy creates. Yes, this is also one of the reasons why I've taken up yoga again! But I feel like just about every day I fail. I fail by either letting That Guy affect my mood or by sinking to TG's level and sh*t talking about That Guy to the one friend who also sees through TG's facade and knows about TG's truly bad attitude has and the smack talking TG does about our group.
I know I'm better than that yet I fall short just about every day. Ugh. And I know it doesn't say much about my character. I had to finally write about it because this has been going on for months. I think I'm also hoping that maybe trying something different will help me change. This negative energy I'm either releasing by talking about it or keeping it stored inside me can't be good The Bean! I know, that sounds kind of hokey but I do think it helps if I'm more serene than angry while pregnant.
I've got to try to conquer this. Let's face it, with my track record, there will be a major confrontation/blowout down the road. I promise. Someone had already tried to confront That Guy about this a couple years ago and it was a complete fiasco. Also, TG never took any accountability. To this day, TG thinks it was entirely the other person's issues. I swear, there is no reasoning with That Guy. It would be a knock down, drag out fight should one try to stage an intervention or confrontation. So what is there left to do? I'm out of ideas.
I will continue to do yoga, pray and try to let only positive energy inside ... and figure out how to let TG's negative energy bounce off of me. I welcome all (rational) ideas anyone has, though, because clearly I need them!

Valentine's Day

You either love it or hate it. And a few people are indifferent.
That's me.
I think any holiday that makes me relieved that I'm in a relationship just so I don't feel the pressure of not having a significant other is a questionable holiday. But when I get to see it through my daughter's eyes - the fun of receiving Valentines from everyone in the class and having a potluck - it reminds me of a simpler time. She just gets to enjoy passing out and receiving cards and candy! That is the nice part of Valentine's Day that I haven't seen in a long time.
I'm also blessed to have a husband who is super sweet. The photo doesn't do it justice but he had two dozen + 1(to grow on? We don't know why the florist offered 25) red roses delivered to my work. I know that it's a splurge and can be viewed as a frivolous expensive so I didn't expect them. But it was so nice to be surprised with beautiful roses. Admittedly, it made me feel special and loved. Not only did they look gorgeous but their fragrance was absolutely lovely. I took them home so I could enjoy them over the long weekend.

An aggressive assault atop my head.

It's been happening for over 10 years ... but just here and there. Now it seems to be every week, one will stick out as if to say, "Hey! HEY! Here I am. I've BEEN here, actually. You haven't noticed me for months! But here I am now."
On a much more frequent basis, I'm finding these bad boys when I brush my hair in the morning:

Sure, I've been hitting the bottle for almost 20 years. I've had highlights in my hair  since I was 18 years old. Maybe that's why I'm not used to seeing them-I've inadvertently covered the majority of them up when coloring. But now I discover them on a regular basis.
I know I don't look 21. But I think I probably look like I'm in my very late 20s or early 30s. And that's how I feel so aren't I lucky? Sometimes I take it for granted but I'm very thankful for good genes. I know that wrinkles, sagging, saddle bags and other changes will eventually come but perhaps not as fast as it will for others of the same age. I don't have an extensive beauty regiment to stay youthful but I do make an effort because anything helps.
But these gray hairs - nothing is stopping them. Regardless of good genes, there is nothing I can do to prevent their attack. It's like they are meticulous and ever so patient in their strategy to take over my head. I know they're calling in for back up and eventually going to launch an all out war.
Until then, I just have to either pull them out or smother them with dye.

Religion

I have written about this before, here and here. I was raised with God in my life and while I no longer practice the same religion, I knew I wanted to find a church. It doesn’t happen to all parents but it seems that if a couple believes in God, even if they didn’t go to church earlier in their relationship, they decide to go to church again once they have a child.
The Man and I fall into this category.
We decided that even though he hadn’t regularly attended since he was a teenager but still identifies with his religion we would find an Adventist church to join. It may go without saying but I’m just going to say it – it’s a very big deal. We both grew up with church heavily influencing just about every aspect of our lives. We would essentially be raising The Bun in this church community so there needed to be a lot of trust.
We first attended a church near our old home but it felt huge. They were also a more vocal in their worship which was something we weren’t used to and, truthfully, it made us a little uncomfortable. Not that there is anything wrong with it but, like I wrote, church is a very intimate thing. A person needs to feel at ease or else whatever is making one uncomfortable becomes very distracting.
Then we tried a church two cities over in Fremont. It was much smaller. A little too small in the sense that it was very clear who was in attendance as well as who wasn't so we couldn’t go unnoticed. It was quite easy for them to spot new people (us) and this was the kind of church that liked new people to introduce themselves in front of the whole congregation.
Before we sound like Goldilocks when it comes to churchin’, we liked the feel of this particular community. It may not be ideal for shy newbies, but we liked how welcoming everyone was. We liked how they greeted The Bun and patiently waited (over months!) for her to return their greetings. We also liked how they incorporated children in the service by having them collect the offering and then read them a bible story. Sure, there are some things we wished the church had like a choir, bigger congregation or more children present but this church had so much more we liked. In addition to having approachable members, we liked the pastor's outlook on God and humanity. Rather than always concentrating on how we are sinners and undeserving of God's love (like some other churches tend to focus on), he preached how blessed we are to have God's love and how we can strive to be better even in challenging circumstances. We left feeling uplifted after all his sermons. So The Man and I decided the church in Fremont would be our church.
We moved to our current home shortly thereafter so our church became even more of a trek for us, about 25 minutes. We found out that there is another Adventist church just 15 minutes from our new home but we already felt connected to the members in Fremont so we haven’t even visited to see. I started bible study because it’s been a looooooong time, like 20+ years, since I’ve studied the bible. The Man, because he’s just awesome, is studying with me even though he doesn’t have to because he said he could use a refresher.
I have a point.
Another horrific crime happened recently. When I heard the details on the radio, I was overcome with sorrow. I cried thinking how this poor innocent three year old girl depended on her mommy to love her and keep her safe yet she suffered sexual and physical abuse before she was eventually murdered. Why does this happen? I know God is almighty so then why do innocent people get savagely hurt, abused or killed?
I had asked a similar question a couple weeks prior to the woman leading my bible study. She is a truly lovely person who The Man and I have grown very fond of but I didn't understand her answer. Though she spoke at great length and detail, I still felt confused.
This is yet another reason why I’m so thankful to be in the job I have now. I work at a Catholic school that is unapologetically Catholic AND respects everyone’s religious backgrounds. The principal’s words, not mine, but I like that she says this because it's true - we're a Catholic school, we don't shy away from this fact because we're proud of it. And one of the goals is that each student is brought closer to their God, whoever that is, through the school’s studies and beliefs. Even though I’m not Catholic, i appreciate this school encouraging a closer relationship to God and respecting other faiths. I decided to reach out to the priest we have on campus, Father Gerald. I’m so glad that I did.
I told him briefly about my religious upbringing and where I go to church now. Then I asked him my question. I admit, it brought tears to my eyes again. Because I think of the vulnerable people in my life – my autistic brother, my four year old little girl, my frail parents – and I’m terrified something awful or tragic could happen to them. Even though they are good people who cause no harm to anyone, it’s evident that no one is safe in this world.
I wish I could reiterate what Father Gerald said to me because he was so articulate in his explanation and when I try to write it down, it’s not nearly as eloquent. But one of the examples he gave me was comparing God & his children to me & my relationship with my daughter. How I love my her so much, I know more than her and am stronger than her (right now) but as much as I try to teach her, she will make her own mistakes. That really spoke to me because I understand that perspective. Of course, God is much bigger than I but on a much smaller scale, I get it. Father Gerald also said that when one asks, “Where is God?” during a terrible situation, that God can be found in the victim. God can be found in the people seeking justice and change. Like I said, he was much more articulate than I am but that’s essentially our conversation.
I left feeling better. I also left with a feeling of gratitude to have people in my life willing to discuss God with me in a compassionate manner even if I’m not the same religion. I’m also thankful to have found a church community that is welcoming and engaging.
While I know I need to strengthen my relationship with God, I'm comforted by how much he is present in my life.

16 weeks (as of last Sunday)

I haven't come out on Facebook yet. I haven't officially come out at work, either. The boss and one colleague knows.
But it's getting a bit harder to conceal. I went back at old blog entries trying to figure out if I'm tracking about the same as last time. But I must have been self-conscious of my weight gain because I hardly wrote about it and I certainly didn't track it. Let me tell you, though. I am rockin' a pooch. I can't remember for the life of me if I had one at this point back in 2009 but it's getting harder to conceal. Unfortunately, it's not so much a pregnancy look as it is like I've been hitting the candy bars a bit hard lately. Funny since I had done a cleanse twice in the past six months and had lost 15 lbs. No one has had the nerve (or balls) to say anything yet, though. I don't blame them. When I have a suspicion, I keep that sucker to myself. There isn't much worse in terms of a faux pas than asking someone if or congratulating someone on her pregnancy only to find out that she is not pregnant. I saved my husband once from that awful experience and he is forever grateful.
Anyway.
As of last week, the doctor said I gained six pounds. I think that's a bit much for 16 weeks since I gained 30 lbs w/ my daughter. Clearly I am not holding back and I really need to rein it in. The Man keeps telling me not to worry about it which is sweet. But here's the thing, it was one mother effer of a process getting off the baby weight. The last 10 lbs never came off and increased by 5 before I finally did the cleanse and got it all off. FOUR YEARS LATER. Yes, of course I want a healthy baby. Of course! But I can certainly eat more vegetables and fruits and lay off the bad stuff. Which is exactly what I need to do but really haven't. I'm putting it out in cyber space! This mama has got to get some self-control and stop inhaling everything that lands on my plate.
 Hubby is pretty excited since 16 weeks is the farthest we've gotten since The Bun. He's feeling good and decided to post our DIY-announcement photo. I've got to post the rejected photos when I have time. We took so many horrible photos! One of the pups would wiggle wildly so she looked like a blur in the photo. The Man didn't rush fast enough to sit down so he would be in motion when the camera went off. I would blink, The Bun wasn't smiling ... it was 45 minutes of continuous bloopers.
We finally got one usable photo. This isn't perfect but it's the best one, good enough, and we were all getting tired -

Can you see the pups' eyes? Piko (left) is has crazy-eyes while Pili (right) looks uneasy. I'd say, knowing how their world was turned upside down the first time, their expressions are appropriate.

I decided I'm going to come out at work next week. It so happens that I'm hosting a meet up for work at a bar so I figured that there will be situations that will naturally lead to me telling folks I'm pregnant. It won't be anything formal but if I tell a few people it will eventually spread like wildfire. That will probably be also the day I post this photo on FB.
My boss wanted to talk to me today about when I was going to let the general public know because there is an individual she already has in mind to take my position while I'm on leave. Am I nervous that she already has someone picked out? Well, my paranoia tendencies don't help much but I'm hoping for the best. When I told her that I anticipated letting everyone know next week, she said, "I feel like you're excited but very reserved. You don't want to talk about it much and you're happy but you don't want to show it." I thought about it for a minute and replied, "Yes, you're right. If this ends terribly, no matter what, it's heartbreaking. But I'd rather deal with it all by myself than have a bunch of people commiserating with me." And she told me she completely understood.
It's dark, I know. Believe me, I hesitated writing it because it sounds so negative. But it's how I feel and it's not all negative. I'm just trying to protect myself as much as I can even if it's futile. Every day I hope and pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby so I'm definitely hoping for the best. And every day, a little bit of me lets myself get a tiny bit more excited. For instance, I went ahead and bought this:

That is the Happy Baby wrap. I was won over when part of its description was that it was lightweight and good for hot weather. I'm due at the end of July! I don't own anything in bamboo fabric but that's what is supposed to make it different and better. It's also in my favorite color - not a deciding factor but does't hurt.
( Side note: Back in The Bun's early days, the big thing was the Moby Wrap. I was tempted to get it but didn't think I could master it. I ended up with this:

This is the Ergobaby. I just looked it up and it's still expensive. I thought it would go down in price since four years ago. I have to find where the heck this is because it was pretty handy. But I went ahead and bought the wrap because the Ergo, while very comfortable once on, is a little hard to get on by myself and it's huge. I look like I'm going camping whenever I used it.)
Even though I'm still cautious to announce and don't talk about my pregnancy much at all with the people that do know, me buying the wrap was a very subdued way of me showing my excitement for The Bean. Even though I want to protect myself, I can't help love this baby as soon as I knew he existed. Bean, if you ever end up reading this, you were a complete surprise but wanted and loved from Day One.

Cleaning up. It had to be done:(

I've had this blog since 2005. Way back, back when blogging was one of the rare forms of social media. No YouTube, no Twitter, no Facebook, no Yelp - just Blogger, Friendster (I think) ... and AOL chat dying off.

I met a few people by perusing blogs and discovering a mutual appreciation for each other's writing. But blogging was mainly for me to keep in touch with people I had become friends with who either lived far away or ended up moving far enough to make it a challenge to keep in touch. Blogging was such an easy way to remedy the situation. I got to keep in touch with my dear sister, old roommates, neighbors, classmates and friends. Blogging, I believe, also helped me keep up my writing skills.

Things change, though: easier and faster ways to connect with people were created; as my jobs grew greater in responsibility and pay, the demand of my time and energy also grew exponentially; I have my own home to take care of; and the greatest whopper of them all - I became a mama. All these things make blogging less and less of a priority.

Yet I lamented over and over again how I miss it. Although it takes more time and effort, the substance of communication my friends and I had through blogs was so much richer and more personal. Like dieting, though, I would try to start blogging again only to stop again because it was so much easier to go to back to things like Facebook.

But I've taken a big step just today to show just how serious I am about wanting to use this forum again. It was hard and something I had postponed for months, no, years. I deleted all the blogs that my friends have left behind. It was something I honestly dreaded. I think it's because I wanted to believe that, like me, they would resurrect their little place on the internet and start writing again.

You see, I have some talented and fascinating family & friends. Their writing styles were all different but very entertaining. Their viewpoints on the world were sometimes similar to mine, sometimes way out of left field (in my opinion, of course) but always worth reading. And I wanted to believe that they, too, would find time to write again. My own sister hasn't written on her blog for two and a half years yet I kept hoping she would return!

I had been holding out in deleting their blogs because, just like with my own, their old entries were like reminiscing with old friends. Many of them wrote about just starting out in their careers; dating and life before they met their significant others; falling in love; moving out of state, across the country or even international waters; pregnancy and becoming a new mom; small yet significant (and sometimes crazy) every day occurrences that seem ordinary but made for good stories; and all those other wonderful and lovely things that happen to us as we get older. And, sometimes, experiences not so lovely. Their blogs documented their lives and it's hard for me to let go of them even though they have been long since abandoned.

When I decided to do the Great Blog Clean Up, I was surprised to see it had been so long since a few of my friends had written that blog addresses had been taken over by different people. The way I have people listed on my blog, I can see the last time they wrote an entry. So I knew that some folks hadn't touched their blogs in months or even years. But I had kind of held hope. Well, when I clicked on links just to verify if they truly hadn't written this whole time (sometimes that new entry indicator is inaccurate), I had at least two friends who no longer owned their blog addresses. All of these inactive blogs I still listed on my blog made me realize that it was time to let go.

I doubt that I will make new friends through blogs like I had done before just because, as I mentioned, it's a different time now. I notice that people are more strategic about who they visit instead of using the "next blog" button to visit others because they want to be build readership for their own blog. I totally get it. I know there are many worthwhile blogs but I just don't have time to do that. I'm also not trying to use my blog to gain advertising - again, completely understand and actually envy women who get paid to write their blogs but I just don't have that kind of time.

I used to write for me and my friends because I loved reading their comments and us having a full on conversation about it. But now I just write for me and maybe my family if they decide to visit my blog years down the road. I foolishly still hold out hope, though. That some if not all of my blogger friends will one day come back and drop me a comment with their new blog address so I get to read them again. Maybe it's simply the hormones making me more sentimental but I truly miss you guys.

Fridays are not always Fun-days.

My poor baby. We were headed to her preschool Friday morning (our favorite day of the week!) when she started to cry. She said her ear hurt.

Do you notice her sweet chain? She picked it out to wear to school. And even though it's pretty huge and gaudy, the girl knows her audience. While she was crying, several of her classmates comforted her and complimented her necklace.

She hadn't complained about it at all when we were getting ready in the morning. I asked her questions about it while I drove so I could get a better understanding of her pain. But her discomfort quickly escalated which resulted in full blown sobs.

I took this photo right before I took her out of the car seat so I could show her Daddy. He has a thing about ears so I knew he would want to see what was going on that morning. I promise it was a lightening quick shot!

We were close enough to her preschool that we went in anyway to talk to the director. She recommended I call The Bun's doctor to get her seen right away. My baby girl may have a low tolerance for pain but she isn't someone who cries nonstop.
Luckily, we have Kaiser and a doctor (although it wasn't The Bun's specific pediatrician) was available to see us in an hour.
We went straight from the preschool to the doctor's office. And waited.
We were there a little bit early and then the doctor we were scheduled to see was running a little bit late. My parents, bless their hearts, met us there so that they could take over and I could go to work.
It's a tricky thing, being a working mom. Especially when I'm still kind of new to the job and have an even newer boss. I'm still figuring out what is acceptable and what is frowned upon. I felt terrible leaving The Bun because she cried so loud, "No mama! I want you to stay! I want my mama!" My mom said she cried for a while after too. Ah, it breaks my heart. I know for a fact she was in loving and capable hands but she wanted me.
I'm glad to write, however, that The Bun is feeling much better today. She is very peppy and yesterday is all but forgotten. Well, she hasn't necessarily forgotten her traumatic experience (she was in a lot of pain) but The Bun has certainly bounced back. Thankful for that!

Trying to figure out how we can go to Hawaii in 2014

All right. I totally own that this is a first-world problem. I wouldn't even claim it to be a problem. I've been to Hawaii just about every year since for a little over a decade. I went with girlfriends for the first time in 2002 and absolutely fell in love. Since then, there are only two years I haven't gone to Hawaii: in 2007 because we were saving up for wedding the following year and last year because we were moving and buying a house. I really don't want to have this happen again in 2014!
Before 2002, I had no interest in going because I didn't have any friends or family who lived there and if I was going anywhere tropical, it would be the Philippines. But my girlfriend from college planned a trip and it sounded like fun. I had also started dancing hula in the fall of 2001 and it was an expectation to immerse myself in Hawaiian culture if I was going to dance hula. I also just finished having a huge crush on a boy from Hawaii. That shouldn't matter but I would be lying if I didn't say it didn't influence the situation. 
As I mentioned, I fell in love with Hawaii even though I only visited Oahu for four days (I also concluded that four days is not enough time when vacationing there.)

Both our first times in Hawaii! I remember we were dying to get on the beach. This is a dear college and sorority friend. She was also a big time partyer! Now she is happily married with a beautiful little girl. Crazy how things change.

I think this was one of our best excursions. We scored this free boat ride by attending one of those time share breakfasts:) 

In 2003, The Man and I decided to celebrate our one year anniversary as a couple by going to Maui. Wow, even though we were making far less back then, I suppose to balanced the fact that we also had far less debt. Anyway, we decided that we would celebrate our anniversary in Hawaii. While Maui is a lovely island, I will always remember this vacation as the one time in our relationship we nearly broke up. I suppose it was a combination of being young, us not living together at that time, and spending an entire week together for the first time. Thanks be, we survived our massive argument that actually came back to California with us.
Overall, it was a nice vacation but I think we should have a do-over so our Maui experience can be untarnished. Yes, that's exactly the reason why we should go back!

At the Old Lahaina Luau (It was fine but better for a huge group of friends who just want to have fun. I strongly recommend Feast at Lele for couples or people who want a really good meal.)

NOT actually taken in 2001. Man, my then-boyfriend was a hottie! This was taken in Lahaina. 
He's still a hottie, just now my husband.

On our way back home Look how young we were!

I was then blessed to be able to go back to Oahu in 2004 with my halau. By this time, I had been with my hula brothers and sisters for four years. Our kumu planned a trip for anyone who was willing and able to go. It was such a different experience for me! All the other times, it was with friends and to do tourist-y things. And to relax! This trip was all about learning Hawaiian culture and customs as it related to hula. For instance, we were tasked with waking up before the sun rose on our first morning. We chanted through the streets of Waikiki, ending our solemn march in the ocean and asking for our trip to be blessed. We visited sacred grounds, museums and learned how poi was made. We were expected to learn new chants, dances and Hawaiian words (since mastering the Hawaiian language in a week wasn't a practical expectation.) It was good to see Oahu in a different light. And some of us even had time to have some fun at night. I will admit, though, that I only went out one night. Our day schedule was too rigorous for me to party and not have any recovery time.
This trip was significant to me because I knew that I would be leaving my halau shortly thereafter. I was finishing graduate school (I had one class last that I was doing by home study) and had started my first full-time job  after graduate school. I found it very difficult to make my way to San Francisco to go to hula class and practice. Because I wasn't making it to practice and hula was just getting harder, I was falling more and more behind. And while I loved my time with my halau on this trip, studying for new dances and chats during our week in Hawaii made it painfully clear that I wasn't going to catch up unless I could invest more time. Which I couldn't. So, for me, this was also a farewell trip.

At the airport, on our way to Oahu!

One of those photos that reminded me of a time when I thought I was fat. Partly because my cute friend in this picture was smaller ( not her fault that this was my hang up.) If only I could talk to my younger self.  

My hula sister (& hotel mate) practicing a new hula. That's our hula brother taking a photo to the right. And I wish I could remember who took this one.

All my hula brothers and sisters. Some of whom I don't know! My halau has several classes so I was closest to those who attended the same class.

Ah, 2005 is when I got more into blogging and finally have old posts to reflect upon. Like this one when I want to remember how truly craptastic a "hotel" room can be. Man. And this nice post as well as this humbling AKA moded moment. And then this last post to remind me just how great a vacation it had been. My friend and I had never traveled together prior to this trip. We were amazed just how well we got along and how in sync we were when it came to vacationing. We determined that we should vacation together when we grow old. We were smart to realize that it would be a looooooong time before we could ever do that again. Hubbies and children have a way of changing your lives:)

In 2006, the gal I had vacationed with in 2005 got married in Hawaii. She got married at The Kahala so we vacationed on Oahu again. It was a beautiful wedding and made for a wonderful vacation as well as a great escape from a job I wasn't fond of. Oh, the memories. 

As I wrote, I had to skip 2007 because we were saving for the wedding. But we went back in 2008 for our nuptials and boy, did I blog about it!

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Of course, my brand-spankin' new husband subjected me to a crazy hike on our honeymoon so I blogged about that. (More posts about the wedding can be found here and here.) 
Moving on to 2009. This was the year I knew The Man and I would try to have a baby. My friends and I decided to have one last hurrah before that happened. While we did nothing close to wild partying, it was more celebrating that we could have a relaxing, cocktail-filled vacation without babies under foot. 

Impostor Drink - filled with our own concoction! Shhhh ...

Cheers by the pool and  ocean.

Hot tubbin' with the ladies

A beautiful North Shore rainbow

It was a lot of fun. We decided to stay at the Turtle Bay Resort and it felt funny being back at the place where I got married. I definitely missed The Man because that place now holds so many memories for me.

Ah, then 2010. The Man proposed this idea when I was near the end of my maternity leave - "Hey, what do you think about just me and you going to Hawaii? Your parents could watch The Bun and we could go for a few days. What do you think?" I was so thrilled and terrified about this idea. I love going to Hawaii and it's my favorite place on earth. Why not?

Why not?! I'm breast-feeding my teeny-tiny 4 month old. How can I be away from her for 5 days?! I could already hear the judgement in other mommies' voices. But The Man and my parents reassured me that this was a good idea because as she got bigger, it wouldn't be as easy for The Bun to have her parents gone for a few days. So I stock piled as much breast milk as possible and took a portable pump while on vacation.

The pump became our traveling gnome. 

The pump enjoyed picturesque views.

The pump enjoyed our gorgeous hotel balcony view.

Had to be one photo sans pump. How different we look from those fresh faced lovers on their first Hawaiian vacation!

Then 2011 was the year that we took The Bun on her first trip to Hawaii! She had so much fun. We went with my parents, too, so we stayed at a military hotel on Waikiki Beach. The Man and I learned from that experience exactly why people with children opt for condos and townhouses rather than hotels. It is too much money paying for every meal and snack! It was a good trip that ended on a sour note, though. Our return flight was cancelled and Hawaiian Airlines handled it so poorly that I lost my $h*t. I also wrote a letter when we finally got home. They somewhat made it up to us by giving all of us 50% vouchers for our next flight. My friend told me ATA gave her free flights every time her flight was cancelled. But ATA also went out of business so I'll take what I can get from Hawaiian Airlines.

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In 2012, The Bun and I went back for a Girls' Trip after a really tough period. It was great to share our experiences with the little girls. We lamented how it's definitely different than our last Girls' Trip but we knew that's the way it was going to be even back then. We also stayed in a very nice condo at Turtle Bay resort. It was perfect! it was on the 1st floor, right outside was the pool and less than a two minute walk from the beach. Truly perfection. I should also note that the only way I could afford staying there is because 1) I have bargain-finding whizs for friends and 2) we split it four ways.

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Cutie pies and, hopefully, future best friends.

Because the vouchers we received from Hawaiian Airlines back in 2011 were going to expire at the end of the year, we decided to just go ahead and plan another trip to Hawaii in 2012.  

Watching planes take off at the beach near our cottage (we stayed on a base in Kaneohe)

View from our balcony.

Loved the views we saw from our cottage. It was secluded and peaceful.

On a boat ride to the Kaneohe Bay Sandbar.

Look at that face. LOVED the sandbar!

Here we are in 2014. OK, I admit it. After reminiscing over all my trips to Hawaii, I realize I'm a lucky gal. A blessed gal. I'm thankful for all the times I've been able to go. They have been so wonderful. But I have to figure out how to get us back there. Do you know The Bun has told us and her Nana & Papa that she wants to go to Hawaii for her 5th birthday? I swear, SWEAR, I did not plant that in her brain. It sounds like something I would do but I didn't! I was so surprised when she told me. So then I thought maybe her Nana has made some suggestive comments to her but she also swears that The Bun came up with this on her own. 

Here's the thing: The Bean is set to make his grand entrance at the end of July. Do we try to do it before or after he's born? No matter what, I know we need to be in a cottage, townhome or condo because, regardless of one little one or two, it is so much easier when we vacation in a home-like setting. 

All right, I'm putting it out there. I will figure out how to make this happen! For The Bun!:)

Meet my best friend ... and a new bathroom ally

Even though I've gained about five pounds, I've had trouble sleeping since nearly Day One of this pregnancy. I was just uncomfortable from the get go. And when I wanted to sleep with more pillows, I knew it was time to bring out the big guns. Specifically, the Snoogle.
When I was pregnant with The Bun and became uncomfortable at night, I tried using several pillows. Then I bought a body pillow similar to this for $20 at Target. It did the trick for a few weeks but then I was having restless sleep again. I was skeptical to buy anything else because what if that didn't work? I don't think you can return a pillow and then I would be stuck with this huge thing that I would have to throw out because it took up too much room and wasn't even helping me sleep.
Thanks be, I decided to put the Snoogle on my baby registry even thought it was for me and not The Bun. I mean, happy mama = happy baby, right? Well, a good friend went and bought it and it has to be one of the best baby shower gifts I received.
I had bought a nice sage-colored cover for it shortly after the baby shower but the damn thing pilled almost immediately. So when The Man unearthed it this time around, I went and bought this cover for it:

I know, it totally clashes w/ the quilt but it helps me sleep better so I got over that real quick. It also has a zipper unlike the sage one which folded over like a typical pillow cover. The zipper makes it so much easier to put on.

I still wake up once a night but the Snoogle has helped tremendously. When I have it face the other way and it's more in the middle of the bed, I often find my husband cuddling it when I wake up! And when The Bun sleeps with us one a week, I also find her spooning this pillow. It is an amazing invention.

This might be narcissistic (the fact that I'm writing "this might be narcissistic" kind of guarantees that it is, doesn't it?) but I was reading some old posts from 2005 and I found myself laughing at the the things I wrote about. I admit, and The Man always tell me, that I crack myself up. Doesn't everyone crack themselves up? I mean, if you don't get your humor then who the heck will?
Anyway, I miss it. I miss remembering to write things down that make me laugh so I can look back and laugh all over again. There are so many small incidents that happen in my life that brighten my day. I want to do that again, if I can.

This isn't necessarily funny but worth a mention. At my job, there are unisex one-toilet bathrooms that have poor ventilation. Let me be frank - one is at the end of the hall near the stairs and when one of the dudes blows it up, it makes the whole first floor reek. When it's really bad, like exotic food hitting someone the wrong way, it wafts through the air so potently that it also hits the second floor. MY floor.
Anyway, it happened one fateful day and my poor colleague on the 1st floor had to shut her door because it was so bad. When I got a whiff of it, I called her and she confirmed that the 1st floor bathroom was the victim of a lunch gone bad in a poor man's stomach. We joked how we wished the smell could be seen (for example, purple smoke) so we could get some warning and try to shield ourselves from the offensive odor. She then went on to tell me that she read somewhere about PooPourri and maybe we, as a department, needed to purchase it for occasions such as these.
I had not heard of it so, because I'm a curious gal, immediately looked it up online. The description reads:

• Stop embarrassing odor before you go. This bathroom freshener's natural essential oils create a film on the surface of the water, trapping odor at it's source.
• The x-large 8 oz bottle is the perfect size for your busiest bathroom at the home OR office
• Up to 400 uses.
• All-natural, non-toxic, biodegradable. Never tested on animals.
• Made in the USA.

"What an interesting product!" I thought. Then I promptly forgot about it because I had a ton of work waiting for me.
Imagine my surprise when this showed up on my doorstep. Literally -

When I went to look it up, I evidently put that bad boy in my Amazon cart and The Man, when he signed on to order something else, thought I had wanted the PooPourri but forgot about it and kindly ordered it with his stuff. He promptly forgot all about it. So when I asked him why he ordered it, he said, "Well, I thought you wanted it because you put it in the cart."
So there it is. The Man and I are unexpected owners of PooPourri.